To ban husband's 'friends' from our house

[CustardCreamLover]

When I was 5 months pregnant we went to a friend's wedding. While we were there my husband got completely bladdered. He had 3 friends there (all single and male) and they kept going outside to 'smoke' leaving me alone at our table with no one to talk to. Didn't bother me too much there was plenty to eat which of course being pregnant I was taking full advantage of!

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

I don't do drugs, never have, don't tolerate them and have never been confronted with coke before. I flipped out and shouted 'no' several times at my husband in my panic and then shouted at his friends to get out of my car. I then told him I was going home and he either came or he got a taxi home on his own. After half an hour having gone to get my coat he came back empty handed and we left. During that time the bride and groom came out to see me. How they knew I was out in the car I don't know I guess husband must have told them. I was mortified but they didn't seem to know why I was out there so I just covered and blamed my upset on pregnancy hormones.

The next day my husband couldn't remember what had happened (allegedly). I told him, he apologised a lot and I made it very clear that I didn't want those friends in our house ever again.

I've just got back from taking my mum to the airport to not only find one of those friends in our house but with my son as well (who is now 4 months old 😍).

AIBU to kick off at my husband about this? I told him I didn't want them here and he's blatantly ignored me and I certainly don't want them around my son but I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit over dramatic about it? At the time I was probably hormonal and having never been exposed to it a bit shocked as well.

I've kept my mouth shut for the moment and now I put it to Mumsnet to decide for me!!

@diddl I think it's pretty obvious that they were doing coke outside/in the car isn't it?

*PP they weren't smoking in the car. It was cold and raining so we were sitting getting warm. They were in the back. We were at a wedding so I wasn't going to drive off anywhere.

That’s just weird - they went outside for a ‘smoke’ yet you were all sitting in a car not smoking

What did you think they were doing?

Wake up OP, everyone is telling you that your DH has taken coke because it's very obvious. You clearly have no experience with anyone taking drugs, so you wouldn't know if he's taking drugs or not. If you're worried about your child then it's your DH's drug taking that you need to address. It might be that he's only taken it recreationally a few times and wouldn't have any more / wouldn't have it around the child, that's something you can work on. It might be that he's regularly taking coke and has some hidden in the house, you need to know this before your baby becomes a toddler getting into everything. What you need to do is have an open conversation with your DH and find out.

As far as the friends are concerned, if your DH won't take coke around the baby nor allow it then they won't take coke in your house. Your only evidence against the friends was from the wedding event on your OP, now you've suddenly started a drip feed that they're not functional adults, can't maintain relationships etc. Bollocks and stop making things up. On the off chance there really are other issues with these men then address it with your DH based on those specific issues, not "they once took coke at a wedding".

I think you're very naive about drugs. You know that so many people do cocaine that every single note of money you handle has it on?

Your question was whether you were BU to ban his friends from the house. If, as you are now saying (after you didn't get the responses you want) they are confirmed regular drug users with a problem and you have any actual reason to suspect they are doing drugs in your home, then no, you are well within your rights to say you don't want them there. If that's not true, then YABU.

And I very much doubt that one of this friends would admit to you that he has a coke problem when you're so obviously hysterical and judgemental about it and already banning him from seeing his friend based on one line on a night out.

As for telling people they don't have morals because they don't agree with you - they do, they just also live in the real world. If you have no experience of drugs existing in your bubble then maybe you should listen to people who do.

As for seeing why divorce rates are so high in the UK... This is the type of thing that is usually discussed before marriage. Most people don't find out whilst pregnant at a wedding that their husband recreationallu uses cocaine.

KAYTEE87 yes. It's blindingly obviously everyone apart from the OP.

And as for your friend who assures you he was drunk when you described his behaviour. That's bollocks.

People react differently. As I said, in my late teens, I knew several coke users. Some just appeared no different to if they were completely drunk. Some you could just tell they were on something. One took it because it made him feel drunk quicker when he was drinking.

These people arent my friends anymore. We grew apart and I didnt ever do it. But I can tell you, your friend cant say wether he did it.

"@diddl I think it's pretty obvious that they were doing coke outside/in the car isn't it?"

Well yes & it's not likely to have been the first time, is it?

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who took coke at all & it is a reason I'd leave.

Its only right and proper that you offer to share any drugs you have to the host. They can then accept, decline or say no drugs at all.

Politeness costs nothing

Oh what a load OP.
This is why there's a high divorce rate? Because not everyone is as rigid as you about illegal social drug use ?
And of course, here comes the "what about the children" reference to really bolster your point of view and immediately diminish everything you've been told contrary to your opinion as therefore we must all be shit parents.
OP you've dropped a colossal load of irony referencing the snowflake generation here - because it isn't descriptive at all of the posters disagreeing with you . The snowflake ...well .....that's be the lady shrieking NO NO NO, like Satan was about to zap everyone taking coke in the car straight to hell . Check your definition on that one.

The bottom line is op do you trust your husband? If so then you wouldn't even have to articulate no drugs in the house, but even if you did feel he was so irresponsible you needed to articulate it, you should trust that he can have friends round and he won't permit them to do drugs and he won't either.

If you don't trust him, and think he will have friends round to do drugs in the house, when his child is there, then ban his friends as you are doing.

As you're going for the latter option it seems you don't trust your husband and feel he would permit his friends to snort coke with your kid in the house.

Loving him or not, that's a horrible way to have to live. To raise a child with a man who you think will permit this. Who will have mates round to do drugs with his child present.

If you don't think this, and you do trust him then stop being hysterical and let him be a responsible adult who can be trusted to not be snorting Coke or his mates snorting coke at home with your kid present.

Your husband is clearly a recreational drug user. Whether you like it or not. He was even doing it at a wedding when you were heavily pregnant and got so off his face he's claiming a black out.

The question I've got is why did you need to scream "no" twenty times when handed the coke. He was going to do it in front of you wasn't he? That's why you has to keep screaming no. He didn't respond with WTAF is that. He was going to snort it and you had to put a stop to it.

So you know. You just don't want to address it, and you'd rather blame his friends, and you're banning them because you don't trust your husband to not do or have drugs in the house round your son.

I'm not dictating who he can be friends with. I'm saying I don't want druggies who take coke in my house with my son.

I agree. Since when did a 'little coke' become legal and acceptable?

I'm saying I don't want druggies who take coke in my house with my son

Well, that includes your dear husband the , doesn’t it?

I presume you’ll be separating then?

It's so laughable that you are getting wound up at other posters trying to get you to realise what is actually happening here. And I have RTFT, it's you that's not listening to reality.

There is no doubt your husband uses drugs regularly enough that his friends passed it to him without comment, assuming you knew and were fine with it. They are your husband's friends, he lies to you or avoids telling you because he probably knew the sort of reaction you would have. He continues to lie about it because he knows how you would react. Which is fine of course, you don't have to be ok with drugs.

BUT. You can choose to turn a blind eye to your husband's drug use as you wish and not say anything to him. Its then a bit ridiculous to get on your high horse about banning these awful druggies from your home. They are there because your husband brought them into your life and the thing you hate about them he clearly joins in with, it literally happened in front of you.

If you ban them from your house all that will happen is next time your husband meets up with them and coke is passed around they will have a good laugh about being more careful around you and how they are pariahs. Probably be a good 'no no no' joke about you too.

The poster that said you're acting like the parent who thinks their kids are just in with a bad crowd is right. The problem you have here is with your husband, transferring it onto his friends might make you feel better so you can keep on your high horse is silly. And stop criticising other people's marriages, people in glass houses....

There's a massive difference between taking Coke on a night out/wedding and being a 'druggie'. I've never taken any drugs but one of my circles of friends do sometimes when they're out. They would absolutely never bring any to my house and I would trust them to babysit my daughter with no concerns at all. They have professional jobs and are wonderful women. I think you've overreacted massively. What I would be annoyed with is you told your dh these friends of his couldn't come to your house (which is OTT in my book) but he just ignored that and did it anyway. You should talk to him about it.

You need to think carefully about your stance here. You're saying that other "people don't care about their children being around drug users" but also that you're "not going to say anything" to your husband about not having his class A drug user friends over to your house, implying that neither do you really care about it either. Or at least not to the extent of doing anything about it. (Whereas what you say really contradicts this - it sounds like something that bothers you very much)

When I was with my ex I normalised and accepted so much behaviour. I blamed his "friends" for behaviours I really disliked. I minimised everything I gradually began to find out about him. (Telling myself it was his friends for example who were involved in the worst stuff, and he just tolerated it)

You've already gone from being completely anti class A drugs to accepting that he is probably a recreational cocaine user and defending that behaviour.

In the end it's up to you what you accept, but don't do what I did and minimise behaviours and begin to put up with and accept more and more previously non negotiable red lines. Really you'd be better off sticking to your stance of not wanting them in your home and standing up for what you believe than not to face up to things that actually really do bother you. It's how you feel that's important in the end.

This thread has just explained to me why we have such a high divorce rate in the UK and why we have a snowflake generation.

Eh? That makes no sense! And quite frankly it's insulting to anyone divorced!
I am divorcing my husband because of his drug and alcohol abuse, and all that goes with it.
I am absolutely on the same page as you where cocaine is concerned OP, right down to blaming his friends at the beginning and denying he was involved. I wish I had realised it was him I had a problem with then, and not his friends.

It really seems like no one who has disagreed with me would care about their children being around regular drug users?

I do; this is a major reason for my divorce. Do you? You have no idea how often your DH takes it. It's easy to hide from non-users, I was fooled for a long time. Top tip: check your bank accounts, does he spend a lot more than you would on a night out? That's a huge clue that he's doing coke.

* I don't care that I was being unreasonable in my reaction at the time. That wasn't up for debate. Neither was if my husband is regular user.*

I don't think you over reacted. You made your point, albeit in an extreme way. If your DH continues to use cocaine even occasionally after that then you have a major DH issue.

We were at a wedding so I wasn't going to drive off anywhere.

Why not? Why would you want to stay in the company of drunken drug users?
(I did this once, incidentally while pregnant. Didn't acheive anything, but got me away from them. Wish I'd done it in life)

Anyway, again I'll write RTFT. I've mentioned several times that I'm not going to say anything.

But I think you should...to your DH about his suspected cocaine use.
Banning him from seeing his drug using friends won't stop him taking drugs if he wants to. In fact, it may encourage him to go out more to do so. Spell it out to him that him using drugs is unacceptable. If he has any sense and respect for you and your child he will not do coke again.
Don't fixate on his friends, like attracts like and these men will likely fall by the wayside if he stops indulging.

Please heed poster's warnings (the ones who don't think it's just a bit of fun and you were over reacting ). Cocaine use is no joke, it can and does ruin lives. Look at the worry that night is causing you still months later. And that is NOTHING compared to what it could become.

3 years ago my DH was a popular, hard working family man, with a loving family, lots of friends, a good job, a lovely home, and several holidays a year. He liked a social drink, and a line or two on special occasions.
He is now an unemployed addict with huge mental health issues. His friends have deserted him because he ripped them all off for money, his family don't speak to him, he is getting divorced, his child is wary of him, and he will shortly be housed in temporary accommodation, because he cannot afford anything else.

Hear hear MakeItRain

I'm surprised they want to come to your house after witnessing you have a temper tantrum. How embarrassing for everyone.

Oh you do need to give your head a wobble OP..

Occasional cocaine use doth not equal 'living in squalor, needle hanging out of arm, vomit and piss all over self, dead baby in a crib in the next room'... a la Trainspotting.

In the same way that going 5 miles over the speed limit is not the same as nor does it mean you would do 130 down a residential street in a stolen Audi at 3am whilst off your tits on Diamond White..

YABU about a lot of things but actually I think your biggest issue is that you will not, or cannot, speak honestly and frankly to your husband about any of this shit.

That is a far bigger issue you have, than whether or not he does the odd line of coke or whether his mates come to your home.

Occasional cocaine use doth not equal 'living in squalor, needle hanging out of arm, vomit and piss all over self, dead baby in a crib in the next room'... a la Trainspotting.

No, but it does support gang culture and fund criminal activity. It's a big fat red line for me personally.

@pouncerdarling I was pregnant, having a crappy night and I really don't give 2 flying fucks if I embarrassed myself with my reaction.

@tomjet and @makeitrain how am I supposed to know if he's a regular user? If I ask him and he is he'll say no. If he isn't he'll say no. I can't just kick him out with no evidence. That's my point about divorce rates being so high. It's easy to just leave. I'm not saying you were not right to divorce, I'm asking how can i leave my husband and father of my baby without knowing for 100% certainty that he's a class A drug user?

I'm going to sit down tomorrow with him and have full and frank discussion about it but I'm at a loss to know how I'm supposed to know if he's telling the truth or not.

Can I throw away 10 years and my baby's father??

I'm also interested in why so many people have been so quick to condemn my actions but not those of my husband's friends and potentially my husband?

I can't believe that coke use is so accepted. I must have lived a very sheltered life.

Urm plenty of us have condemned your husband and the friends.

But we arent talking to them.

You do have evidence your husband does coke. The same evidence you have that the friends do it. There was a one cracked up for all of them and they passed it to him.

He does coke. Odd that you just think when it comes to your husband if he says he doesnt it's a bit 'meh what can you do' and such a big reaction to the friend.

You husband is doing coke AND lying to you.

I wouldn't want anyone doing coke in my car or house or around my children, but I couldn't give two hoots if someone who has ever used drugs at any point in their life came to my house to see my dh. I'm not sure I know anyone who has never used drugs. My 69 year old mum maybe? I'm a highly educated middle-aged middle class professional. I would actually think it quite odd if someone has never done any drugs.

Now the difference would be if his friends are regular users, so using coke every day or planning to come to your house with drugs on them or planning to use or sell drugs from your house. That's a different thing. But no, I think you are being a bit crazy. I wouldn't be bothered at all if a friend who I knew had used drugs at one point like 9 months ago came over.

If you can't trust your dh to not use drugs while caring for your child just because he is seeing a friend who at some point has used drugs, then your problem is not the friends.