To be annoyed at card?

[justlonelystars]

I recently got married and I have received a birthday card from a (well wishing I’m sure) elderly relative made out to Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband? I know there are bigger things to worry about but it’s irritated me somewhat

It's how we were taught at school, sort of letter etiquette. I'm coming up to 70.

“It's how we were taught at school, sort of letter etiquette. I'm coming up to 70”
I agree. So was I. Do you still do everything the way you were taught at school?

Meh, I find it irritating and not the way I address cards, but on something kind from a relative who thinks they’re doing it right I couldn’t get pissed off about it.

I think its all about the context of the person.
If its an elderly relative that I have the kind of relationship where we meet and chat about a wide variety of topics then I would quite happily bring it up in a discussion. However those relatives that fall in this category are probably unlikely to actually do something like this.
I have some other elderly relatives who I don't have such a good relationship with - its just a christmas card and a nod at family events. Usually the relationship has not developed because we just don't get on - in many cases after unwanted opinions were given to me about my choice of boyfriend, how to look after babies etc. I have to say that these relatives are more of the 'but that how its always been done' school and less questioning of the status quo. They are the ones that would send a letter addressed to my husbands name and to be honest I would just carry on and not engage - they do not want a debate they just expect me to comply and I can't be bothered getting involved in a futile exercise...
But I wouldn't get annoyed by it - just acknowledge the card and nice sentiment behind that and move on swiftly.

It is the correct term albeit more traditional

Re punctuation in addresses, DM started work as a shorthand typist in the late 1940’s. When, in the mid eighties, I was taught to punctuate addresses at school she rolled her eyes and explained this was now considered old fashioned.

Yet there are people on this thread, younger than me, who were seemingly still taught to punctuate addresses. This might be correct according to a dusty etiquette guide, but it stopped being business practice decades ago.

The polite way to address a married / widowed / divorced / cohabiting women, is however she chooses to be addressed. It is poor manners to do otherwise, no?

I wouldn’t necessarily be offended by someone using lapsed etiquette, to address me but I would be irritated if they insisted they were correct to use a different form.

She's old. She was taught to do that in school. Does it really matter?

Well when my granny was in school the teachers used to belt the kids, treat them like animals and even cut their hair if they had nits. By your logic that would be acceptable today. It's not.

It is the correct term albeit more traditional

How is it ‘correct’, littlebillie?

The mode I tend to use is-

Married with same name, no DC- card addressed to Mr A and Mrs B Smith.

Hmm, why is no one, not even those bemoaning the Mrs John Smith thing annoyed about the fact that it is always the man who is put first?

It is always Mr and Mrs, Mr and Ms, whether they share a surname or not. I hate being relegated like that, especially when it is something, like bills for example, that I have been responsible for organising.

Sorry, not picking on the poster I quoted, most of us probably do it!

Another thing I was taught by parents who were sticklers for correct etiquette. Another thing I’ll continue to do until the day I can no longer write an address.

It would annoy me, and I'd roll my eyes and have a rant on here or to dp but I wouldn't say anything to the relative or to anyone that it would get back to the relative.

As you say, you believe it to be well meaning and they probably thought exciting for you to have your new 'role' acknowledged.

I think the clue in your post is the word ‘elderly’- it was the correct way of addressing individuals, why should they change that?

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth - did you read the rest of my post? Because at the bottom I wrote

Sometimes if the recipient we know better is the wife I might even put Mrs B and Mr A Smith, or Ms B Jones and Mr A Smith- why should the man always go first?

Another thing I was taught by parents who were sticklers for correct etiquette. Another thing I’ll continue to do until the day I can no longer write an address.

I kept my name. I’m not Mrs anyone, never mind Mrs DHname DHsurname.

Send me something addressed like that and it will be sent back to you. It’s is not possible for an entirely incorrect name to be correct etiquette and is actually extremely rude.

Clearly I wouldn’t address it to a person who doesn’t exist.

Eek, apologies Angelo!

I wasn’t criticising you though, just using a bit of your post as an illustration. But I see you’re actually more enlightened than most!

Clearly I wouldn’t address it to a person who doesn’t exist.

A) that wasn’t clear, and
B) it literally never exists. Any woman changing her name on marriage does it deliberately. It isn’t automatic. She would not change her first name to her husband’s as part of this. Therefore there is never any such person as Mrs John Smith, and the “etiquette” is absolute bollocks.

I was taught in threat sixties that Mrs Jane Smith indicated a divorced woman. My aunt, a widow of many years, insisted on cards and letters bring addressed to Mrs John Smith. My secretarial course included etiquette
Classes. I reckon I could still introduce a bishop to a duke correctly though I have never needed to.

One woman’s bollocks is another woman’s good manners. Disagreement is allowed.

No wonder the world is becoming full of snowflakes when the future of the world and life, revolves around how you might be addressed on an envelope.

Very antiquated and I dislike the notion of allowing racism/sexism/homophobia because the person is ‘of a different generation’. We all have to move with the times.

I challenged my DP’s elderly Grandfather over sexism before and would do it again.

What an incredibly unkind thing to do @Pinkvoid, it’s not something I’d be proud of.

“I challenged my DP’s elderly Grandfather over sexism before and would do it again.”

What’s the age that’s the cut off point for being challenged in unacceptable behaviour?

A point where the person in question couldn’t possibly be expected to know what sexism even is. There comes a point where nothing’s going to change and the best response is to roll your eyes and move on.

I was taught in threat sixties that Mrs Jane Smith indicated a divorced woman. My aunt, a widow of many years, insisted on cards and letters bring addressed to Mrs John Smith. My secretarial course included etiquette Classes.

Do we live in the 60s?