To be annoyed at card?

[justlonelystars]

I recently got married and I have received a birthday card from a (well wishing I’m sure) elderly relative made out to Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband? I know there are bigger things to worry about but it’s irritated me somewhat

But that’s fine, Basilisk. I wouldn’t complain about an older person/family member addressing me thusly or call them sexist or whatever, I’d just suck it up; to them it is what they learned as “correct”.

I just hope that this habit dies along with those who still use it, that’s all!

I find it a bit weird that women who changed their surname and title are getting riled up by this. It's all part of the same sexist tradition. It only differs in degree.

Agree with that.

Poor old Zara Phillips, granddaughter of the Queen and referred to as Mrs Mike Tindall at functions. What a come down, am surprised and also disappointed that she hasn't kicked up a fuss about it.

I haven’t changed my surname but DH and I still get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs H Cavill*. Pisses me right off. Apparently I don’t even warrant my own initial now I’m somebody’s wife, much less my own surname!

The mode I tend to use is-

Married with same name, no DC- card addressed to Mr A and Mrs B Smith.

Married, same name, with DC- The Smith Family. Unless the card or invitation does not include the DC in which case use the first option.

Married, different names- Mr A Smith and Ms B Jones.

Married, different names, with kids, as above with “and family” on the end.

Sometimes if the recipient we know better is the wife I might even put Mrs B and Mr A Smith, or Ms B Jones and Mr A Smith- why should the man always go first?

*obviously I’m not actually married to Henry Cavill. Suspect I wouldn’t mind people getting name wrong nearly as much if I was

They'd have to be pretty elderly to think this is okay just based on age. My mum is in her 70s, and it boils her piss.

One day when you’re her age or older you’ll do something that isn’t the “done thing” anymore. And maybe your granddaughter or great-niece will post about it on a forum.

Isn’t it nice to get a card for your birthday? The card is for you. The envelope is for the postal service. It’s just the packaging to send the card. It’s the card that counts.

@TheFreaksShallinIherittheEarth

"I just hope that this habit dies along with those who still use it, that’s all!"

I very much suspect it will & I am with you on that

On the whole I would rather someone sent me a nice card than not - I really can't get too worked up about names. I have bunged my lot in with DH - I sometimes am called his last name & sometimes I use his last name if it seems to make life easier , not banks , passport as I say , but also sometimes when it someone who knows me better he will get something ( e.g. a card or invitation ) as Mr my last name. I am not sure he loses sleep over it.

Not once have I ever thought I was a chattel . & to be fair I do not think , indeed I am sure DH has ever thought that.

How could Mrs. Jane Smith mean she is widowed or divorced?

I second the suggestion to kindly let her know that you aren't at all grateful and she shouldn't bother wasting her well wishes next year.

You obviously do not understand the traditions about names and marriage. When Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister she was referred to in the social diaries either as "the Prime Minister" or "Mrs Denis Thatcher" because that is the way that it was. I don't think that she ever objected.

In today's world Kate Middleton is the Duchess of Cambridge and Meghan Markle is the Duchess of Sussex.

Your elderly relative will have the same traditions and don't blame her for that. You are lucky that she was kind enough to send you a birthday card when perhaps some of your friends decided to save money and sent you a text or email. What is the fuss?

For what it is worth, I always address a card to my mother as Mrs John Smith and to a married couple (eg at Christmas) as Mr and Mrs John Smith, unless the wife has kept her maiden surname, in which case I would say John Smith and Mary Brown. Many professional women keep their maiden surnames professionally but use their husband's surname socially.

If you have changed your surname on your marriage, then socially the "correct form" is that you are Mrs John Smith. If somebody does not use the Mrs then you can be Jane Smith but, if they call you Mrs it should be Mrs John Smith. Mrs Jane Smith is the address for a widow.

I'm only in my early 40s and was taught at primary school that this was the correct way to address a letter. Correct and non negotiable. I remember that it really irritated me and I asked my mum about it and she shrugged and said that we couldn't change it because it's just the way it is. So I duly addressed stuff like my wedding invitations in this way because I felt that I had to or people would think me rude.

I've never thought that women become the property of their husbands and didn't associate the addressing of letters with that train of thought, I just thought that I had to suck it up because that was the done thing.

It took until I was in my 30s and had discovered the FWR boards on mumsnet to suddenly have the lightbulb moment that other women were pissed off by it too and it was ok to stop doing it.

It's surprisingly hard to break a habit that you have been taught to be non negotiable in childhood, even when you secretly seethe inside every time you do it.

YANBU, how would it go down if your DH got a card saying 'Congratulations Mr Jane Smith. How ridiculous, you married your DH, you didn't lose your own identity at the same time.

I would be unimpressed too.

It never meant you were "owned by your husband" so don't take offense. When I was at secretarial school we always had to address envelopes that way if it was a married woman. It just meant " the wife of John Smith" .

Isn't it the purpose of elderly relatives to be mildly irritating in a variety of ways?

I am only 42 but am already on track.

If something official came through like that I would lose my shit, but from Great Aunt Martha I would let it slide.

YANBU
My MIL does this, it really grates.

It might be "tradition" but that doesn't mean it's ok. It's part of the everyday sexism that treats women as second class citizens

I'm at the number of women in here who think it's ok and who actively embrace it.

She's old. She was taught to do that in school. Does it really matter?

“Old” people were taught lots of crap things at school.Doesn’t mean we get a free pass to carry on doing them.

My aunt once sent me a congratulations on your marriage card for my first marriage. It was addressed to mrs dh surname. I wasn't very happy about it and my mum told her not to address anything to me like that again. To be fair she listened and always addressed further correspondence to me as mrs my name. Some people are not bothered about it but to me its like my identity was my husbands whereas I have my own identity!

My mother is in her 70’s. She does this. I hate it. I find it really disrespectful.

It’s an old fashioned convention that is thankfully dying out now. It would irritate me to receive something addressed this way.

@BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou

It appears we are in the minority! I love it too.

My DH is a stay at home dad and works on the yard. I work away in global corporate settings.

It has nothing to do with ownership, dominance or power, or indeed lack of: it’s a traditionally correct form of address, which is normal in our social circles and I love.

Clearly, if I do come across someone who doesn’t like it and has either outright said it, or alluded to it, I wouldn’t use it. I’m not intending to offend as I’m sure this sender wasn’t to the OP.

What I can’t understand is why women who have taken their husband’s surname then have a strop about formal letters addressed to his first name? Why is one okay and not ownership, and the second is anti feminist and demeaning?

I'd say relax. That's how the older generation were taught to address people.
The practice will naturally die out pretty soon anyway.

“it’s a traditionally correct form of address, which is normal in our social circles and I love.“
Which social circles are those?

Fascinating how many women who work in high powered -even “global corporate” settings emerge on threads like how much they love the trappings of the patriarchy!