To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

No one I have interacted with have said this is the reason they are at home though

Well I have.

I think a lot comes down to what you are use to. I don’t know any mother who doesn’t work full time, my DM and DMil did as do my DSis and DSil. I’ve never financially needed to work but returned to my career after six months maternity leave. We used nursery, school and holiday clubs as we don’t have family living in the UK to provide any childcare help. As my friends also work full time, it’s what I’m use to and understand.

Yes I think it is affected by what you’re used to, not just in terms of your own background, but also the longer you are at home, the more people (DC and DH) gat used to thst “norm”, so extra expectations come with it that might not have been the case if you were working. I think if you e always worked it might be difficult to appreciate this tbh. Also, if you have a DH who expects you to work, then you’re far more likely to do so than if he prefers you not to. There are subtle expectations and psychological factors in other words. It’s very complex. All families are different and relate to each other differently.

@TigerTooth my remark about independence was regarding financial independence.

Parker I expect that is very true. I don't know anyone at my childrens primary who works full time (they must exist...)
All my daughter's friends have mums (occasionally a daddy or a granny day) who pick them up. Theres usually only a handful of kids who dont have someone there for assemblies/look at work/whatever else they want you in for days and its a bit sad for them.

It really does show you that6g it depends what youre used to. It certainly influenced my decision (amd it does still in terms of not wanting to retrain full time) as I dont want my child to be in full time before and afterschool care. I dont know anyone that does that.

I always wanted a career - my DM was an engineer and DMil a doctor. Both now retired. My DSil is a teacher and DSil a dentist. I know I was influenced by my parents. DH is a doctor and has always supported my decision to work. I don’t remember much of a discussion, as it was a given that I returned after DT’s were born. DH and I met at Uni so we knew early on about each other’s ambitions regarding careers.

I also wonder about the circles people mix in. The majority of mums I know went back part time and at work that is very much the case for those with younger children. The ones that stayed at home have often gone back at some point later on.

Every sahp seems very happy with their set up and insist they are an equal and full partner.
So why keep arguing then.

I’m considered a rarity round here because I don’t have “after school help” in addition to being a SAHM. People look at me in disbelief quite often. It’s the norm to have a SAHM, plus “help” in the form of an au pair or someone who comes at key times. Do one cools while the other is doing homework or cleaning up / organising etc.
I know families who have used nannies if both work, but nobody who has used day nurseries or after school clubs.

One cooks - not cools -sorry!

Yes I would love to be a SAHM if I didn't have to work (we need the money). For others I suppose it depends what kind of person you are. Some women love work - plus the status and company of work colleagues, etc. Some women would be bored at home. I don't mind being on my own, plus I have a lot of interests such as art/ painting/ writing/ crafting/ sewing/ cooking, all that kind of stuff, so I never have enough time to pursue my own interests, it frustrates me. If you have the opportunity to be a SAHM and you want to be, then go for it, enjoy it x

Most couples I know have one part time worker and one full time or both have flexible working.
I know a few couples who both work full time long hours, one has a nanny and the others have DC who stay at GP's or GP's that stay with them to facilitate.
I can only think of four SAHM with school age children and one is me, one works abroad and one us a carer for her DH and her DS.

Growing up, my mum didnt work and we still had help...nannies and au pairs. She would occasionally temp if she was bored.

I agree with those saying you leave yourself vulnerable as you never know what the future holds. But to be honest, if it were the other way around people would be horrified and jumping all over it. If your husband stayed at home each day doing hobbies and picking the kids up after school people would say he was taking the piss and you should leave him. Why is different for a woman? Women bang on about equality but then think this is ok?! It’s no wonder men die younger than women with more stress on them financially, step up and help him!! I am a woman and work full time earning the main income (good income) and it’s stressful for me. My other half is in early stages of new business so it will change at some point but meanwhile I don’t like being the sole breadwinner. I earn enough for us to live comfortably but it’s not the point. I’d go mad if he said he would be a SAHD!!!

GrimDamnFanjo

@TigerTooth my remark about independence was regarding financial independence

Why do you feel that a SAHM doesn’t have financial independence?
We have a joint account and equally free access. Do you really think that SAHM’s have to go cap in hand to DH/W and ask for spending money?
I’m on holiday at the moment with 2 of my 4 children and a friend (also SAHM) and her 3 children, we booked it independently and I certainly don’t phone home to clear any costs with DH. I know what we can and can’t afford and act accordingly. Kids are currently horse riding whilst I post this.
I am totally independent.
What an assumption!
Nor am I bored! I worked in a challenging profession for 20 years but I’ve had enough now. I spend a lot of time with friends, I go to galleries, theatre, lunches, coffees, I’ve taken up Piano and essentially I am totally prepared for my children when they get in with homework etc.
My DH finds me far less stressed and I have more time for him.
It’s great.

*So why keep arguing then.k

I am discussing the situation of so many women who CANT work. I have said, loads of times, I am not fussed if you work or not.

Or am I not allowed to respond to people?

If you dont want to engage, dont. Rather that pick bits out and then tell people they shouldnt post.

You dont agree with me. That's fine. But I am not forced to agree with you or shit up either.

It’s not just about the money, it’s working in a team with colleagues and making friends that don’t know you as just your child’s mummy. Finding your independence

Ive known plenty of people have joint accounts and joint access to money but if things start to go tits up the man, as the earning party, has transferred it to another account before announcing they are buggering off. I’ve known a number of complacent women thinking they have it made that are then left in the lurch. Just enjoy it while you can because unfortunately you just never know. Some of the splits I’ve seen were a complete shock to all. I have always had my own ones that I earn myself. I do think it’s foolish to rely on someone 100% financially.

TigerTooth that's not independence.

If dh left you tomorrow and emptied the joint bank accounts. Where would your income come from?

You booked the holiday, great. But again, do you have personal wealth to book that if dh wasnt there.

Again, not saying your choices are wrong. But it's not financial independence.

Own money ....

Have you been reading along with this thread Sb? Or just popped in at the end to raise a point that has been answered umpteen times yesterday and today?

If I could afford not to work I would do a masters or volunteer in a zoo. Two things I've always wanted to do but couldn't as I've needed to work.

sb74

But I'd hate your life by the sounds of it, why be stressed if you don't have to be. My moto "Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think".
My dh supports my choice to be a sahm, he'd not be at all mad whatever I chose, your marriage sounds awful.

Sb74
It’s not an equality issue - if the working partner had an issue with it then that’s different but my DH has no issues with it - we didn’t ‘need’ my income - I was a teacher, my salary was nowhere near his and made no difference to our quality of life. It was great whilst I lived teaching but I came to dislike my job so I left.
We are both happier with the current situation and the children really benefit from the time I can give them at home after school because all the chores are done.
We have somebody to iron but I do all the other chores myself. It suits us, we’re happy, if your partner would judge you differently then that’s your issue but for us it’s a win-win.