To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

We both travel internationally for work - luckily mostly in Europe, just a few longer trips. All it really takes is a shared calendar to sort out that we're not away at the same time - it has happened that we wave to each other at the airport, one coming and other one leaving.

It's true though that I tell my male colleagues with SAHMs constantly how much easier it is for them, they just assume the wife will take care of everything and is mostly not consulted, only informed if lucky, when the working partner is away. I'm not giving up my job because of that though.

All it really takes is a shared calendar to sort out that we're not away at the same time - it has happened that we wave to each other at the airport, one coming and other one leaving

My ex used to get a call from investors and they’d expect him to be on the next plane out A shared calendar wouldn’t have really worked for the more ad hoc trips for him.

No, I would hate not to work. I would feel bored and boring. Rightly or wrongly in all honesty I don’t respect people who don’t work when they are able to, so I wouldn’t respect myself. I’m all for mothers being at home pre school, but I don’t think it sets a good example to be at home all day, having coffee mornings or doing housework all day long.

The thing that is most annoying about this thread (and of the same ilk) is that every time a sahp has stated their reasons for being at home it has been seen as a challenge to the wohp to disprove it and decide whether or not it is good enough (hint: it never is) and/or is a taken as a slight on those that work. Even those who have thrown in the towel and said 'because I want to' are wrong.

And now on top they have to feel guilty if they accept a service off someone.

It is very tiresome, my choices and those of my DH in no way affect anyone else so it isn't for anyone else to decide if they are good enough.

And so what if we get CT, they cost more for education and health care then if both of us were working, so no one else is funding our 'lifestyle' by one being at home anymore than us both working.

My ex used to get a call from investors and they’d expect him to be on the next plane out

Well obviously if I have a board meeting or something I can't cancel, DH will not book anything or cancel his trip. If there are 2 working parents who both only and always have work travel on short notice and where they have no say whatsoever, a live-in nanny would be needed. I would at least hope one is also compensated sufficiently for such work.

My dh likes having a sahp we discussed it, but obviously as he is around as much as me he does more than his share, he has higher standards than me, so I do a bit then he does everything I miss.
he did school runs, parents evenings and all the other stuff that comes with a family. His career didn't suffer and neither has our marriage, even though we spend so much time together.
You should do what you want to not what society or others dictate.As long as you are happy, enjoying life, and family thriving, who gives a fuck.

JacquesHammer which is fine if the other person is happy not working.

But if the other person wants to work. It's possible. Or a converstation needs to happen.

I honestly think if people want to be a sahp. I dont judge them.

But people keep giving situations where they couldnt possible work and its ridiculous and not true.

If you choose to be a sahp, choose to be a sahp. You do t have to come up with extremely complex situations to justify it, expect people to agree even if they disagree.

moonrises I totally disagree.

Many of the sahp have said 'I do it because I could because of its reasons', of course people have replied (since is a discussion) that actually you still could.

If some just doesnt want to, great.

But again, I have challenged the ones that say 'I dont want to work and dh wont leave me. Even if he did he wont be dick'

Why cant people discuss those points? Why do we have to accept that as fact when it's not and very possible not a realistic view.

I did return to work part time during school hours for a while but then found I was not really alert enough to fully support my children with their homework and after school learning. I therefore reduced my part time hours further.

My mind is boggling at this. I mean, this can't be a common feeling can it? I honestly think people don't know they are born sometimes.

Coffee mornings and housework all day long
I wouldn't have lasted a year as a sahm let alone 30 if I was so brain dead as to not be able to think of anything better. Working for an employer comes nowhere near.
I love getting up when I like, dictating my own time and what I do with it.
Where I go, what time we have sex, what time to eat. It must be boring to do the same stuff everyday.

I'd bloody love to go back to work properly (not 4 hours/week) when DS is about 10 months in September.

DH not mad on his job either. Problem is his current job is inherently incompatible with a working spouse working more than a few hours out of the house because it is necessarily rural (late/flexible childcare not available), very limited ability to pick up unexpectedly (could be over an hour away with arm up an animal's backside, or in the middle of minor surgery with no one to take over (or answer his phone). Also works 1 in 4 or 5 weekends (so I couldn't work weekends) and at least one night a week, not necessarily the same. Might get called in any morning as well. Therefore all childcare drop offs and pick ups are my problem...

No well paid roles exist within those constraints, we can afford a slight net loss by me working but only with childcare vouchers (which will be gone if he changes jobs - I would have to scrabble together enough hours to allow tax free childcare to kick in to take a low paid role)

Ideally we would switch around and get both of us working 3/4 days a week, the problem is the transition period! That and the need to align childcare with getting a job because nursery, childminder and after/before school clubs aren't always instantly available in the rural areas his job ties us to!

Horses for courses - no two families circumstances are exactly the same. There's always the mention when this comes up about what happens if a couple splits up when one isn't working, but at my DH's company (international, lots of moving about, many people not living in their native country) the couples that split up tend to be the ones where both parents are working full time because frankly it's just so complicated with all the moving and travel and children in schools where they are not being taught in their first language. I'm lucky that I'm able to work freelance and fit my work around the dcs and dh's job. Married to someone from your hometown, living in a place where you are surrounded by family support is completely different kettle of fish. It also depends what your options are workwise OP - if you can afford not to work and you are not qualified to do anything interesting or flexible then why not use the time to learn a new skill or do some volunteering? There isn't a right thing to do - just do what's best for your particular circumstances.

I absolutely would! I think the boredom thing depends on how creative you are and what resources you have to be creative. There are plenty of skills that can be acquired being a sahm that are transferable to future work if needs be. My Mum was a sahm, she broadened her horizons in amazing ways. Sometimes she said it was tedious, other times great. She went through a stage of being a bit resentful about 'all that she had given up' but ultimately she said it was the best thing that she ever did and the best years of her life. Personally, I think the pitfalls about being a sahm also apply to being a working Mum, it just depends on each person. I hate trying to balance work and kids, I'd be a sahm like a shot given the chance, not sure why its looked down on these days.

You do t have to come up with extremely complex situations to justify it, expect people to agree even if they disagree.

I think when your faced with comments saying your lazy, boring, not contributing to society etc people feel rightly defensive and give their reasons for staying at home.
I expect people to respect my families reasons even if they would make a different choice not keep repeating things like 'but single parents do it' or well I do [insert completely different situation] and we manage fine'.
My reasons to stay at home and just that mine, I don't think they are rules everyone else should live by.

Nor am I sure why some people think that this role involves just housework and coffee mornings- it depends very much on how you choose to use your time. My dm had a good phrase... It's not the hours that you put in, it's what you put into the hours :-)

It has been less of a discussion and more of a pile on.

But people keep giving situations where they couldnt possible work and its ridiculous and not true

Or maybe they're true and relevant for them...?

You do t have to come up with extremely complex situations to justify it

So you'd prefer if people weren't honest about their reasons?

I couldn't have done my job with a partner who worked how my ex-husband worked. It simply wouldn't have worked FOR US. Not least because I had been the main breadwinner for two years whilst ex-H created his business. I would have been more irritated had he been willing to miss on opportunity after being sole-earner for a fair amount of time!

I think when your faced with comments saying your lazy, boring, not contributing to society etc people feel rightly defensive and give their reasons for staying at home.

I get the feeling defensive (though wohms have been called ridiculous, jealous and selfish, for appearing defensive on this thread, some also say the dont want to spend precious time with their children or even arent raising them), but why would it bother you?

If you life is so great, you are happy with your choices, why would you be defensive.

And how does say 'but I cant work....cause reasons' (that arent reasons to not work) actually help?

So you'd prefer if people weren't honest about their reasons?

No. And they arent being honest.

You COULD have worked. Single parents work. I know, I am one of them. I dont have family help.

You didnt want to juggle everything or decided it was best. That's fine. But you could have if you really wanted to

And why would you get annoyed at him missing an opportunity? Simply because you were bread winner for 2 years?

“why can’t we discuss these points?”

Icandothis - It’s difficult to discuss the financial vulnerability of SAHMs because there is no such thing as a typical SAHM! Just as there is no such thing as a typical working mum.

It’s very obvious to most people that some SAHMs are financially vulnerable in the case of divorce, but equally there will be many more who have thought this through snd steps have been taken to endure this would not be the case.

Just as there will be working mums who would find it hard to financially manage after divorce, compared to others who wouldn’t. I mean, how long is a piece of string?

There’s no point in personal anecdotes really either because that’s only relevant to that individual. None of SAHMs I know are economically vulnerable. Most women I know are SAHMs or work very part-time to be honest. I’m sure there’s SAHMs across the UK who could be economically vulnerable, but then so are many people for all kinds of reasons - women who co-habit with DC; have low job security; financially abusive husbands; debt - all sorts of factors.

Also, if you are a long-term SAHM, you don’t actually expect to just waltz back into your old career decades later This isn’t the mindset for any woman I know really. If you do plan to return to work at some point, you use the years to retrain, often in something totally different. So I don’t recognise this stereotype of the vulnerable, hapless SAHM who has closed the door on future earning potential, only to be at the whim of her DH. I know one divorced woman and she gotten house and a very good settlement - far better than if she’s been working as a single woman all those years, tbh. She did return to work gradually, but it wasn’t some great drama doing so. That was the least of her worries tbh. As I said before, individuals can do a cost-benefit analysis of being a SAHM or working for themselves. But they can’t apply their logic and experiences to anyone else because it will be irrelevant.

You COULD have worked

That's a fairly arrogant viewpoint, no? Assuming you know my situation better than I did. I've given a very simplistic outline of our situation, I mean - I COULD explain fully why I coulnd't work but I have already been castigated on the thread for sharing anecdote so.....

Single parents work

Yeah, I kind of get that given I AM one.

And why would you get annoyed at him missing an opportunity? Simply because you were bread winner for 2 years?

We agreed I would be bread-winner until he got his business established and running. So yeah, I'd be fairly miffed if he was willing to miss out on millions of poundsworth of opportunities following that. Would have rendered the whole enterprise pretty pointless.

Much like he paid me spousal maintenance for two years so I could establish MY business. He would be fully within his rights to be irritated if I hadn't bothered grasping the best opportunities.

Most people could work if they wanted to, it doesn't mean they should.
I could have worked but I wanted a better life for my dc and for them not to miss out, this is not the case for many other families. Their children might not miss out, they might have a perfectly good life with both parents working.

Pa1oma actually, it easy to discuss the vulnerability of sahm. If your dont have personal wealth, you are vulnerable.

Yes, rare women may be better off divorced. But most arent married to with millions.

And actually, you only have to look at the board here, to see how many women struggle to get back into work, havent spent years prepping to go back.

Or find their dh has walked and that they are in the shit. There one recently where the exh quit his high paying job. So no more CMS.

And then there loads of thread from women who are sahm and not married with all the assets in the dps name. Some of who, who believe common law wife is a legal thing in England.

JacquesHammer the point is that if working was something you really wanted to do. You and the ex could have done it.

But actually no, I dont think you being a main wage earner or home paying spousal support means that you cab each get mad at the other for not doing what you want them to

Most people could work if they wanted to, it doesn't mean they should.

Exactly. I am not saying everyone should work. And dont judge if you dont.

But, on a discussion thread, I will discuss the points raised I have challenged and discussed points from wohm as well.

Id stay SAHM. So nice to be able to keep home really nice, not stress about childcare for holidays. Have some me time to do exersize leisure or hobbys.
If you have the income id recommend paying into a pension