To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

I've been a stay at home mum for the past 8 years after the birth of our second DC and not feeling ready to go back to work. I had a well paid job in a senior position which I gained aftee graduating. We weren't particularly well off but felt that the value of being at home far out weighed both DC being in school/nursery for 6+ hours a day. Being at SAHM is still of value to our family. My partner works long hours and it takes me 2 hours + to do a school run morning and afternoon as i dont drive and my DC go to different schools, so i actually have 4 hours a day to do what i need to do which actually is very little when you consider walking the dog, shopping, cleaning and doing whatever other errans pop up. Sometimes i miss it but most of the the time I wouldn't have it any other way and think I am blessed to be able to drop off and pick up my children everyday. It all depends on your circumstances and what works for you as a family.

For most people being a sahm takes away financial independence.

Having a good amount travel suffered to each month isnt financial independence.

The reason I think people should think about divorce when sahm is, all the sahp on this thread are happy. They absolutely love what they do, they love their lifestyle love being there for every school drop off. Dont feel they sacrificed anything. Their husbands are more than happy with them being a sahp, because their career can take off (oddly many womens careers take off without having a sahp, but that's another debate), they dint want the kids in childcare etc.

Then the marriage ends. All of a sudden the sahp is talking about how they want more than half because they have sacrificed so much, the working parent feels he is getting the piss taken out of him and does see why, when the sahp doesnt contribute financially they should get more than half of everything including their pension. All of a sudden it seems no one was happy with this situation at all. Divorce makes people draw battle lines. People seem to have forgotten all the benefits of their lifestyles and it becomes about which sactficed and contributed more.

Obviously this doesnt happen in all cases, but it does happen alot.

Also, if your kids need you at home (genuinely need you at home) what do you do in the event of a divorce? Spousal maintenance is rare. CMS let's men take the piss and often isnt enough to stay at home. The kids see their parents split, may have to move etc and then all of a sudden they have to go into childcare, come home to an empty house because their mother has had to find a job.

I am not judging and saying anyone has the answer. But when I divorced, apart from the big fact we werent together, the kids life continued as normal. No massive lifestyle changes. Which helped the transition.

Yes, the financial independence is important in the event of a break up, or ill health.

Current UK divorce laws don’t seem too bad in sharing financial assets, pension etc. Bur even so, the earner retains his earning power, while the SAHM could find it difficult to earn a decent wage.

The sex imbalance also bothers me: hardly any fathers SAH.

Men get to be fathers AND WoH, often progressing their career and increasing their earnings. Those of us who WoH as mothers, by contrast, pay a “motherhood penalty”.

Meh. Do people genuinely give a shit how strangers or even friends and family live as long as it’s not harming anyone?

I work FT as does DH (35 hrs each in IT) we work close to home, good money, good career prospects, have flexible working, can work from home . Love our jobs. SAH would not be for me in my current circumstances as I’m aware I’ve got it sweet although I plan to go PT when mortgage is paid off.

However, if I just had a ‘job’ and one or hardly any of the above benefits of my job I’d be tempted to be a SAHM (although to be honest I’d probably have to get a new DH as he likes being with a career woman and wouldn’t be keen on being the sole earner long term).

So I guess it’s down to your individual situation. Other people’s set up is of no real interest to me. Most adults seem to turn out ok whether their mum was at home or not anyway.

I wouldn't really care if my dh 'liked being with a career woman' or not.

I was a sahm for a few years, then back to work when youngest was 3 where it is bloody hard to work your way up again.
Each to their own....I really don't mind what other people do although I confess I do roll my eyes when stay at home parents moan about how busy they are.

Icandothidallday That's pretty much my experience, I was able to buy my exH out of his share of the equity (didn't give him 50%) and remortgage so we didn't have to move. If anything I have more disposable income now I have sole charge and life has continued as it was lifestyle wise. I know several SAHMs who are hanging onto their homes by having their exH on the mortgage and have the sale of their home hanging over them, or they've had to move into a much smaller house, cheaper area or rented, and the dc have had to adjust to mum going out to work.

It's the income loss that's the killer on divorce for SAHMs unless there are sufficient assets to provide a mortgage free home and enough income to live on, the rare cases where the exW gets spousal it's usually time limited. I would always encourage my daughters to be financially independent, even if that's by going PT for a few years, at least your maintaining skills and experience.

Vulpine, surely that poster’s DH’s preference for being married to someone who shares the task of providing for the household is as valid as the apparent preference of lots of DHs in this thread for having a SAHM to facilitate their careers, iron their shirts, and have their dinner on the table?

I mean, I’m with you in the sense that arranging your economic life to suit someone else isn’t a good idea, but surely it’s worth wondering also about all these men’s ‘strong preferences’ for having a SAHP, while they’re not prepared to do it themselves.

My DH has been a SAHP for the last few years, I have been amazed by some of the comments we have received, surprisingly they are often from SAHMs! Most men are just jealous but some women ( including my Dsis) think he is using me as a cash cow. The usual comment is “if it works for you”. I now tell people that he has taken early retirement as it is much more acceptable to everyone🤣

Wild - yes I think it’s much more difficult for men to SAH and this is a shame. Personally, if I had a high-paying career that could easily support the family, I wouid love DH to SAH. No nursery / school run rush; no liaising with childminders; no worries if I had to stay late; all my dry cleaning and laundry sorted; never have to think about what everyone can eat or do food shopping; no worries about DC or any homework / school / friendship / emotional issues that may arise while I’m not there, etc. Sounds brilliant!

I wouldn't really care if my dh 'liked being with a career woman' or not.

So you dont think being a sahp is a joint decision?

Pa1oma that would be an odd set up. I dont know one working person that doesnt at least take on some responsibility for their kids day to day lives even with sahp.

So you dont think being a sahp is a joint decision?

IME people don’t believe that whether it’s true or not. They seem to think somehow a woman loses all agency when she becomes a mother and is unable to have an equal discussion with her partner as to what works best for them

I believe that can. And that's not the point of my post l.

The poster that I quoted clearly said she isnt bothered about how her dh feels. That not her being unable to make a decision or have a converstation.

That's her unilaterally making a decision for both of them, without having a converstation.

They seem to think somehow a woman loses all agency when she becomes a mother and is unable to have an equal discussion with her partner as to what works best for them

They think this because of maunderings like this --

Personally, if I had a high-paying career that could easily support the family, I wouid love DH to SAH

as though her not having this career is as inevitable as the weather, rather than a choice. Pa1oma has told us at length about her husband's ginormous income and that he was an unemployed ex-Marine when she first met him, so, presuming she had a job at the time they met, she was starting ahead. She chose not to have a career that would see her DH being a SAHP. And this comes up over and over again that it was 'natural' for the woman to be the one who became a SAHP because she earned less than her husband. Now, given that girls are considerably more successful at school and university than boys, how is this?

They think this because of maunderings like this

Such a shame for them they’re not able to accept every situation in its merits and not extrapolate one person’s experience to apply to everyone!

No one has ever really said much more than 'oh right' when I say DH is the sahp.

One of my colleagues also has her partner at home so I am not that unusual and we will often joke about our kept men.

Then the marriage ends. All of a sudden the sahp is talking about how they want more than half because they have sacrificed so much, the working parent feels he is getting the piss taken out of him and does see why, when the sahp doesnt contribute financially they should get more than half of everything including their pension. All of a sudden it seems no one was happy with this situation at all. Divorce makes people draw battle lines. People seem to have forgotten all the benefits of their lifestyles and it becomes about which sactficed and contributed more.

I also agree with this. It can seem like things are working well, fair and equal ... until they aren't.

I'm always a bit about the argument that SAHPs enable the working parents carer and they're equally responsible for its success. I'm the main breadwinner in our family and I've worked my way up to partner level. We have two children. But my husband hasn't enabled me to progress and get promoted. He's been busy working at his own career with no "sacrifices" as far as I can see. I just got on with it.

And if you take credit as SAHP for a successful high earning spouse's career what if the working parent doesn't progress beyond a minimum wage job? I expect SAHP's in those circumstances aren't saying they blame themselves for not sufficiently supporting and enabling their partner - funny how it doesn't work that way around.

honeylulu

Dp works away a lot. What happens if you too work away? Who looks after the children?

If you have jobs that are in one place and don’t involve travel then it is possible for both to work.
Unfortunately not everyone has jobs like that.

What works for you might not work for others

Meh. Do people genuinely give a shit how strangers or even friends and family live as long as it’s not harming anyone?

My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately, especially on here, people seem to view anyone making a choice that differs from their own as some sort of personal slight....

I think it’s just best not to presume anything about anyone, to be honest. I get drawn into these threads because I never come across people with a “view” towards SAHMs in real life. So when I read all this, I wonder if It’s MN that is a-typical or me! But, it gets tiring reading all the generalisations that “SAHMs are x,y,z” from people who are not in this situation and who have never wanted to be! It’s as if people think SAHPs have never considered the risks and need this pointing out? I totally accept I may not be “typical” (as someone told me yesterday), but do know that I am definitely typical of a particular kind of SAHM and therefore have more insight into it than many on here who feel the need to go to great lengths and make sweeping generalisations. SAHMs are as varied as the next woman, basically and we don’t need to feel patronised, or have “doom and gloom” situations constantly thrown at us.

would it be possible for women to be respectful of what is traditionally seen as 'women's work' i.e, the domestic work at home? If it is not possible for women to be respectful of the reality that some women do find it fulfilling, can find plenty in their day to keep them busy, stimulated and occupied, that it works for some women as an option throughout their lifetime, and that their husbands (or wives) see it as a mutually beneficial arrangement, and are very respectful of the unpaid but large contribution their partners make that enables their career to flourish (and of their sacrifices in terms of income, career, and social status), I'm just kind of wondering how the hell we can castigate men for not being so?
Exactly this, thanksmbosnz

Lucky for some to say they would rather not be working where they are not aporeciated. You dont know cos you havent worked for 20 years.
Funnily enough its thoes that are working that are making life easier for you.Have you ever needed to go to the ER with one of your loved one that work force is there because they took a chance and decided not to be fearful of what a career could offer.
OP you must have this on your mind

If you could I would go and restart your career maybe not now but maybe later.
Talking from.experience and what ive seen.
I would never wish for your marriage to end.
So wont harp on that but your mind is always more active when you meet others.
All the best whatever you do

Dp works away a lot. What happens if you too work away? Who looks after the children?

Well when you decide to have kids......you decide what to do about that. The option if one or both of you (doesnt have to be the woman) look for a role where travel can be arranged more flexibly. Or look for a role that doesnt involve travel. If you both want to work.

You have the time from TTC, pregnancy and MAT leave to arrange this. Or if the pregnancy is a surprise. You have the pregnancy AND Mat Leave.

If one of you works away, the other can still work......because lots of single parents manage it.

But again this is only if both of you want to remain working. People can choose what they want to do.

But so many people make out its impossible, when it's actually not.

I find it interesting how many people who work are convinced they'd be bored at home without work to occupy them. (I was a SAHM for a few years, and did 1 year with all school aged DCs, and honestly wasn't bored).

It reminded me about conversations with my MIL about people who struggled with retirement. Those who didn't have hobbies or groups they were involved with, who spent their weekends rushing about getting admin/housework/family visits done, found the transition to retirement very hard mentally. It's not really something that's discussed much, how some people really struggle to fill their time without paid employment.

oh and some people on here really take other people making different life choices/risks to them as a criticism of their own choices.