To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

“For the posters who claim a need to be at home to support education of your DC how do you reconcile educational success for your DDs with a view that children need a parent at home?”

I don’t say you “need” to be at home. I can only speak from my experience - not for anyone else - but I do thinkin my case, with 4 DC, my being at home helps my DC educationally, yes. Even if it just means getting everything else out if the way do that you are 100% available for this after 4pm. Or simply having more energy to focus on it. Being able to research stuff in the day - dyslexia resources, for instance. Keeping a calm atmosphere as much as possible. Helping them to organise their stuff and focus. All this kind of stuff.

This year alone so far I’ve had a DD who sat 5 different 11 plus exams for 5 London Independents. This may sound s nightmare, but its absolutely standard in her prep, everyone does it. It’s takes a lot of stamina on the part of the DC, as well as the mums. The prep really kicks in in the Sept of Year 5.

Then I had another one go straight into mocks and these recent weeks he’s been in study leave and is in the midst of GCSEs. I’ve been home, I’ve gone through the curriculum with him for history or whatever. The maths is beyond me, but it’s just moral support. We go for long walks and only speak Spanish or French. He’s working really hard. It’s a high pressure school. They’re all on to get 8/9s in everything and I feel that if I’ve put him in that high pressure situation in that school then I should support him as much as I can.

To the op who asked how I would reconcile educational success with having a parent st home - well, firstly, I would never argue that everyone should have a parent at home. Just because something feels tight for me, doesn’t mean it’s tight for everyone - I’m in a particular situation. But the point is, an education gives you greater choice. If my daughter wants a full on career, then I’m behind her all the way. But if she decides she feels more fulfilled by staying home with her DC, then I’m equally happy for her, as long as her DH supports and respects her in doing so and they can afford it. You only live once and have to be honest about your motivations, as far as possible. I want my DC to be happy in whatever way that may be - for me this is success.,Education is far more than “getting a job”. It informs how you think about the world, how you will raise your DC and its something that is just as relevant if you are at home. No need to be brain dead at home you know - if anything it’s an opportunity for self- development.

Feels “right” , not “tight” - apologies.

If i was lucky enough to have a choice i would still work, just not fulltime like i do now. But my kids are more or less grown up so there is no reason to be a SAHP anyway. When they were a lot younger i always worked jobshare but we had to be careful with money, which was the best of both worlds i think. I really enjoyed getting out of the house and enjoyed the company of the people I worked with and I think I would have been bored to tears at home every single day. It broke up my week and gave me a release.

However Mumsnet isnt really an accurate representation of my reality, as I only know of one woman my age who has never worked since having kids. Most people I know work at least part time so i would felt quite isolated and found baby groups etc very cliquey. It's different if you have a circle of friends who can afford not to work.

I just think it's unfair to put the entire financial pressure on one person for ever and ever in a relationship.

In answer to what was raised earlier I managed orthodontic appointments perfectly well but i have flexible working hours so could finish early/ work from home or have leave and when I couldn't a relative would step in to help. It really isnt that impossible. You just organize it in advance.How do you think single parents get on?

I'd try to do something I enjoy that makes money. I don't follow the "I'm bored... better get a job!" train of thought to be honest. But if you don't need money, you can do whatever you want. If that makes you a bit of spare cash, even better!

I do and DD is 15. I sometimes get a bit twitchy but rarely bored.

There’s a lot of people saying they manage appts through flexible working, that’s great, and it’s great more and more workplaces support that BUT a lot of people don’t have that flexibility, and a lot don’t have a relative to “step in and help”.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way saying that orthodontist appts are why I’m a SAHM, it was just something that crossed my mind as I start the process again as being bloody hard for working parents.

I think I'd study a lot too and maybe go into academia. There are a couple of fields I wish I had a degree in but I don't have the time because I need to work to live.

I would have loved to have been an SAHM.
However XH and I broke up a few years ago and I am so glad I never stopped working. I don't have a high flying career but I can afford a nice house for me and the DC and decent standard of living.
Meanwhile others I know are trapped living with a man they used to love but treats them like shit. Sad but true.

I just think it's unfair to put the entire financial pressure on one person for ever and ever in a relationship.

Here's the thing. It's not unilaterally imposed. It's a situation that has been mutually agreed, in our relationship, with sacrifice and benefit experienced by both parties.

I was off work for 6 months once and I didn’t miss it at all. I was really happy reading loads of books, watching films, cooking from scratch and meeting friends. I never got bored. Although my work is interesting and uses my skills my self esteem is not tied up in it and if I didn’t need to work I probably wouldn’t. BUT the thing that other posters are saying that is resonating with me is that it’s important to me to know I could support myself and family if I had to. But then we only really have the here and now. Whatever you do best of luck.

Also, slightly off topic, but I remember a talk given by one if the heads of a girls school we visited back in Jan. The school was Francis Holland Sloane Square and I mention it because of the fresh approach. The head said that the current A-level system is failing our children. It’s too rigid. The thing we need to be teaching them most is adaptability and resilience, because these days, far fewer will go into the “professions”. The average graduate will change job 9 times in average. The notion of the 9-5 will be less prevalent as people, particularly women, look for a better work / life balance. Apparently, most people will start up their own businesses at some point in their lives and not be locked into one career track. There will be a massive shift towards people (men and women) working from home at least part-time - maybe having a couple of part-time jobs which they manage at different times. Anyway, the job market will alter more rapidly than ever before as technology makes many traditional jobs redundant, so the most important skills we should be arming girls with is creativity, flexibility and resilience. She said no girls will leave this school without knowing the fundamentals of setting up a small business; how to open current and savings accounts; how to invest; how to get a mortgage, etc, I thought it was really inspiring tbh.

Yeah, Nuno, because academia isn’t at all a highly sought-after and competitive field where you need to be prepared to move around for years post-PhD to get short-term contracts while publishing high-quality research. They’re just crying out for bored housewives.

and maybe go into academia

If you had a clue what it takes to get an academic career off the ground nowadays I doubt you’d be saying that.

Yeah, Nuno, because academia isn’t at all a highly sought-after and competitive field where you need to be prepared to move around for years post-PhD to get short-term contracts while publishing high-quality research. They’re just crying out for bored housewives

Good contribution to the discussion.

If you had a clue what it takes to get an academic career off the ground nowadays I doubt you’d be saying that

Seems like the academics are touchy today. It's exactly because I know what it takes that I'd only be able to do it if I had tons of spare time and money!

Good contribution to the discussion.

I thought it was quite funny, actually.

I mean, if somebody with no job and plenty of money can't do it, who can? Unless you're just implying that somebody who has had a few years off their career to have kids couldn't possibly have the intelligence or drive to do it?

There’s a lot of people saying they manage appts through flexible working, that’s great, and it’s great more and more workplaces support that BUT a lot of people don’t have that flexibility, and a lot don’t have a relative to “step in and help”.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way saying that orthodontist appts are why I’m a SAHM, it was just something that crossed my mind as I start the process again as being bloody hard for working parents.

That's why I pointed out that I had to do lots of juggling. Apply for a lot of jobs and hop jobs, after researching the level of flexibility. Flexibility is more important to me than a wage increase.

A flexible job didnt just fall in my lap
I had to take a step down from the level I was at, to get a foot in the door of a company that would give me some flexibility. Then looked for roles that gave more than my current one.

I am NC with my parents. The only support I have is dp (who I dont live with) who doesnt drive due a medical condition. He cant help with school runs etc as its 3 buses on public transport. He also works 45 hours a week. So while he is great emotional support, practical is nearly zero. He isnt ds dad but would help if he could. But ibwont move in with him, just for that. I am happy living, just me and the kids at the moment. My best friend lives close. But both her and her husband work. I dont have a family member who can just take him.

Even if you employer isnt flexible. You still have annual leave, parental leave, lots of employers allow shift swops etc. And with 2 people you have 2 sets of all this leave.

So ironically I work in one of these "demanding high powered" jobs that many claim they need to be a SAHM to support but I have more flexibility than the average call centre worker.

Yes, same here. High earning management job with lots of travel. If i was a man, I'm sure my wife (if she wanted to be a SAHM) would claim she simply has to stay at home to facilitate my career and I couldn't manage without her.
As I'm a woman, we manage just fine.

And yes the part about relying on your SAH partner the same way the SAH partner relies on the earning partner's income - no, sorry, not the same. DH was a SAHD. Of course it was convenient, but it would have been way easier for me to find a nanny-housekeeper and dog walker than for him to find someone willing to fully finance his life.

Unless you're just implying that somebody who has had a few years off their career to have kids couldn't possibly have the intelligence or drive to do it?

Not saying that at all.

Are you prepared to chase a couple of post docs in different countries/continents til you land a part time contract, probably a minimum of 5 years post PhD?

Because that’s what it takes.

Katherina - well that’s up to you, but you must be able to grasp that some men actually want a SAHW. That might make you feel uncomfortable, but there it is. My DH felt very strongly that he didn’t want to rely on other people in our lives or bringing up our DC. We would not have had 4 otherwise. By the way, that is NO judgement on anyone who does use childcare, obviously it works fantastically for many people, but it’s not obligatory and we just didn’t want to live like that which is why we organised ourselves the way we did. Obviously, he wouldn’t have got on too well with a woman who wouid have wanted a full-on carrrer with small DC, but that was ok because I wouid have found it difficult if I’d felt pressured to return to work when they were young. It’s a lifestyle decision you make and some couples are just naturally like this. When it works, it works though.

DH was a SAHD. Of course it was convenient, but it would have been way easier for me to find a nanny-housekeeper and dog walker than for him to find someone willing to fully finance his life.

Sheese! I'd be real worried if my DH talked about me and my contribution to the family unit in such terms - really rather contemptuous. Luckily he seems to see me as a little bit more. (And I'm pretty certain it's not the mind blowing sex . . .)

I have been a stay at home mum to 3 for 12 years. I do not get bored. I have 3 children and have had health issues so a parent at home is needed. However, this year, I have started on the path to work. It all depends on your family, your dynamics, personality etc. I can say that with me now working life is more hectic and it brings up other issues. I think you should look at what you want. Maybe look for a volunteer role to keep it flexible. I am coming up to my first summer and it is stressful as to what to do with the kids even in a part time role. As others mentioned, worth a discussion with your husband about paying into a pension for you. Maybe look at training. But don't worry about it. If you have the opportunity to take your time, then do that.

My DH felt very strongly that he didn’t want to rely on other people in our lives or bringing up our DC

Another one who ‘felt strongly’ but not strongly enough to stay at home himself. Interesting.

Paloma you seem intent on dominating the airwaves with your personal situation.

We get it; you're rich, your husband makes a lot of money, you've got 4 kids in private school. Your situation is not typical.