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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
NunoGoncalves · 31/05/2019 13:05

I wouldn't have lasted a year as a sahm let alone 30 if I was so brain dead as to not be able to think of anything better.

It is odd that so many people think: "I'm bored, best get a job" as if that's the very best thing to do with your time. There are so many things I could do with my time if I didn't need extra money that in my opinion are far preferable to getting a job!

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2019 13:08

But actually no, I dont think you being a main wage earner or home paying spousal support means that you cab each get mad at the other for not doing what you want them to

Nice twisting there Wink

Grasping these opportunities wasn't what I wanted him to do, it was what he was desperate to do and couldn't where he was working. I would absolutely have been annoyed at him for giving that up when it was far easier for me to quit (especially given I didn't need him to fun me being a SAHM).

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2019 13:09

fun = fund

Pa1oma · 31/05/2019 13:10

But when you say, “You COULD work - single mums work,” again, which single mums? Do you think all single mums are in the same mould?

notso · 31/05/2019 13:11

If you life is so great, you are happy with your choices, why would you be defensive.

Why are you posting? Why does anyone post on any random Mumsnet thread? Does every poster regret their life choices.

And how does say 'but I cant work....cause reasons' (that arent reasons to not work) actually help?

It helps because it's the truth. Your confusing can't work with don't work.

notso · 31/05/2019 13:13

But, on a discussion thread, I will discuss the points raised I have challenged and discussed points from wohm as well.
So it's ok when you do it when I do it I'm defensive and not happy in my life.

moonrises · 31/05/2019 13:13

Missing a trick though as I don't have a nice home.

But anyway it has been a case of your reasons aren't good enough or twisting them as a slight on their parenting.

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2019 13:16

The problem is, people take these debates as if there was a single entity that is SAHM and WOHP.

There isn't.

It is far easier when people acknowledge and understand their situation ONLY applies to them. And when people accept that one person's reasons aren't a slight on their own.

In short, OP - make the decision for YOUR family. Do what's right for YOU

Pa1oma · 31/05/2019 13:22

Jacques - I know we’ve disagreed on other threads and you probably think I’m a loon in many respects (fair enough), but in this thread I have to say totally agree with you! Grin

Icandothisallday · 31/05/2019 13:25

Pa1oma really are they not?

Most single mums have to work. Especially if their kids are older. Because benefits dont really help. They dint have a choice in lots of cases. If the ones that have to work can manage it, then its possible to work with a partner who works alot.

Should you have to work, if you have a partner, just because it's possible. No I dont think you should. I am simply saying it's possible.

Why are you posting? Why does anyone post on any random Mumsnet thread? Does every poster regret their life choices.

Posting doesnt equal defensive. You can post without it.

So it's ok when you do it when I do it I'm defensive and not happy in my life.

No. Now who is twisting? A poster said the sahp were defensive I responded to that.

Neither group is a single entity. That doesnt mean, that in the majority of cases being a sahp is a choice.

But some people seem hell bent on telling everyone its not really their choice its impossible to work.

You dont work? Are you happy about it? If you are that's really enough, instead of pretending

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2019 13:36

I know we’ve disagreed on other threads and you probably think I’m a loon in many respects (fair enough), but in this thread I have to say totally agree with you!

I recognise you. I don't agree with some of your views. I don't think you're a loon Smile

Pa1oma · 31/05/2019 13:37

Anything is “possible”, I guess, but that doesn’t mean it makes sense.

You say most single mums will have to work. Well yes. But this will be more “possible” for some than others - eg. who has an involved ex nearby; who has family support they can call on; what type of job do you do and what are typical hours; is the pay worth it; how many DC - 1 or 5; do you DC have any special needs; do you have any mental or physical illnesses; where do you live - rural or urban; what is your age; how old are the DC; how much maintenance do you receive (if any); savings / living costs etc etc - these are just a few factors off the top of my head. You make your own decisions in your own context.

notso · 31/05/2019 13:41

Posting doesnt equal defensive. You can post without it.

So why do you keep defensively posting against those who don't work. You've acknowledged it's their right to choose not to do why keep banging on about how they could if they chose to.

NataliaOsipova · 31/05/2019 13:43

It is far easier when people acknowledge and understand their situation ONLY applies to them. And when people accept that one person's reasons aren't a slight on their own.

Well said. I always assume that, as all families and situations are different, people are uniquely well placed to judge what’s best for their own family....

Pa1oma · 31/05/2019 13:54

Also, there will no doubt be women on here whose husbands prefer to have them in a certain wife role and over the years have done a subtle job of undermining their wife’s confidence in even considering a return to work. This is another reality. So although it may well be “possible” for that woman to return to work, she herself may not see it as possible. And the last thing these women need is to come on what’s meant to be a supportive mums’ website and read other women telling them that they are useless.

notso · 31/05/2019 13:58

You dont work? Are you happy about it? If you are that's really enough, instead of pretending
I'm not pretending anything. I don't work. I'm happy, my family is happy.
I could work and do all the childcare/housework etc I do now. I don't think I'd be as happy.
Just because something is possible it doesn't mean it's the best thing to do.
When I look back at the early days of my relationship when we were young and skint and had a baby and house that we were renovating. We used to literally run out of money. It seems impossible now it wasn't we lived it. Would I live that way if I had to, of course, would I choose it? Hell no.

Icandothisallday · 31/05/2019 13:59

Anything is “possible”, I guess, but that doesn’t mean it makes sense.

Which is what I am saying.

Just because it's possible, doesnt mean you should. But that not the same as impossible.

Lots of single mums dont have outside support and have to love jobs etc for working hours. Make sacrifices, such as promotions or maybe leaving a job they like for one with more flexibility.

The point is they dont have a choice, so make it work.

Again, I am not saying you or anyone else shouldnt be a sahp. Simply that in most cases it's a choice.

Icandothisallday · 31/05/2019 14:02

although it may well be “possible” for that woman to return to work, she herself may not see it as possible. And the last thing these women need is to come on what’s meant to be a supportive mums’ website and read other women telling them that they are useless.

I agree. Sahp are not useless.

However no one on hear has said this situation. Every sahp seems very happy with their set up and insist they are an equal and full partner.

But I do agree, sahp arent worth less than those of us that work

BethMaddison · 31/05/2019 14:04

I do think when it comes to single parents and benefits that there should be a choice rather than look for work once they are 3. Whatever isnt then paid in benefits is paid to help with childcare costs by the government
Some may want to work others may not for a huge amount of reasons
Some children thrive in nursery others may thrive at home but it seems to be one size fits all
With the rise in home education I think the whole thing needs to be looked at again as some single parents may need to be at home

haloumi · 31/05/2019 14:10

Go for it! … It's called being UNEMPLOYED

thousands of people do it!

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2019 14:13

It's called being UNEMPLOYED

A SAHP is actually classed as economically inactive rather than unemployed.

notso · 31/05/2019 14:16

Go for it! … It's called being UNEMPLOYED
Unemployed implies your looking for work. I'm not.

notso · 31/05/2019 14:22

The point is they dont have a choice, so make it work.
And some SAHP don't have a choice. They can't work because of disability, their own their spouses or their children's.
Doesn't make it relevant to anyone else's situation.

Icandothisallday · 31/05/2019 14:24

They can't work because of disability, their own their spouses or their children's.

Yes, which is why I said most can. Obviously if a child is disabled that's whole other issue.

If the person is disbaled themselevs, hats another issue.

No one I have interacted with have said thisbsivthe reason they are at home though.

Spikeyball · 31/05/2019 14:26

I know plenty of single mums that don't work because they can't work.