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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 29/05/2019 08:44

It really depends. A lot of housewives / SAHMs struggle returning to work not because of a lack of skill but because they aren’t used to working on someone else’s schedule. You need to be really organised to make work and school runs / / clubs etc work.

I personally would try it — earning your own income is always a positive even if you don’t need it.

ssd · 29/05/2019 08:45

Kids do need you around as much during the difficult teenage years as much as toddlers if you can be at home but still volunteer or work school hours that's perfect.

Singlenotsingle · 29/05/2019 08:45

You wouldn't be able to justify nagging the DH to do his fair share of housework though, would you? That would be your 'job'.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/05/2019 08:45

You may not need to work, but is it fair on your partner (assuming that’s where your income comes from) to expect them to cover you being at home when you don’t need to any more?

Frankly, if I was the earning partner I’d be cheesed off that my partner chose to sit around all day rather than contribute to the family.

KneelJustKneel · 29/05/2019 08:47

Ive found it tricky to fijnd the right thing to leap into - both kids to afterschool sports clubs which require me to ferry them about. One has anxiety and likes me to be there afterschool...

There isnt a ton of school hour jobs out there. Its a heck of a lot easier I think if you have a career that you can drop to part time with some flexibility than trying to start again.

showgirl · 29/05/2019 08:47

I think I would get bored but saying that the whole juggle with work, sickness, school trips, class visits, celebration assembly's and school holidays is very very tiring and stressful.

InDubiousBattle · 29/05/2019 08:47

single do you know something we don't about the op?

Bridget1983 · 29/05/2019 08:49

I reckon for those who can the best of both worlds is working from home in some way or other - fits in around school, after school activities etc but you’re still fulfilling career needs, earning money and having something to focus on other than just your family. That being said, it’s an incredibly fortunate option to have, so many people (including myself a few years back) don’t have the option and have to do hard stressful jobs AND all the family stuff they would normally do.
OP enjoy it if you can and maybe a hobby will become a job, the gig economy is massive now

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 08:49

I'm a sahm of school age children. I have far less time than you would imagine. I actually worked out that in April, due to school holidays and various illnesses my dc got, I only had two childfree days!

School days are short, holidays are long, illnesses frequent.

It's not the life of leisure you'd imagine!

SpotsAreAppearing · 29/05/2019 08:49

I'd be happy to do it.

If my DHs job paid well enough and we didn't go without.

I'd see my "job" as making sure the house was perfect and all food etc was sorted.

DH is fine doing housework but he hates food shopping. But if he worked full time and I didn't while kids were at school I'd feel like he shouldn't need to do housework/food shopping/cooking.

Sadly we both need to work so we both do equal at home too.

MatildaTheCat · 29/05/2019 08:50

If you don’t need to work I would be pursuing education or interests that could help you into work later on. To be honest the school day is quite short and it’s so often the mother who ends up responsible for covering all of the wrap around care and stressed.

So I wouldn’t just hunt for any old job that fits around the dc but I would aim to do something interesting and useful.

EchidnasPhone · 29/05/2019 08:50

This will be me next year as my youngest starts school. Have been a SAHM for 12 years and loved most of it. It doesn’t make financial sense to work as it would be stressful and expensive coordinating childcare and holiday cover for multiple children and to be honest - I don’t want to. I am looking forward to doing stuff you can’t when you have the children 24/7 - like a yoga class or repaint the hallway! I am extremely appreciative of the opportunity and know how lucky I am. I may do my masters or retrain but I’ll still haven children at school for the next 13 years and I figure life’s not a sprint.

OwlinaTree · 29/05/2019 08:51

It's up to you and your partner.

Lonng term, getting back into work might give the family a better lifestyle. It takes the pressure off the sole earner if you both work. You will build up your own pension pot, learn new skills etc. Your children will grow and leave home, you will have something for yourself. If the relationship breaks down for whatever reason you will have more options and independence.

Short term, child care is expensive, you will still need to cover school holidays and before and after school care. Your DP will need to do more at home if you are both working, so make that absolutely clear.

NicciLovesSundays · 29/05/2019 08:53

@PinkButton85
I dont think there is any big hurry for you to return to work if you dont want to. Try not to think about other peoples expectations but about what you need and what works for your family. Is there anything you want to do/ have thought about doing over the last few years but havent had the time for? Now might be the time to do those things.

Have a think about how busy does family life keep you, whether you would like to have some income independent from your partner, what type of opportunities there are in your area. Volunteering might be a good way to test the water and give you an idea of what you could do longer term.

Hollowvictory · 29/05/2019 08:53

I'd rather do an interesting job than think my role, was to make the house perfect. That's fun for weeks. I had 6 months off after being made redundant and so I did the cleaning myself. Hated it. Would rather work.

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 08:53

I was a SAHM whilst DD was in full-time education from when she was 3 to 7. I then went very part time.

I absolutely don’t regret it.

I also got 50/50 in the divorce settlement Wink

However you do need to consider what would happen in the event of a marital split etc

BrilliantYou · 29/05/2019 08:55

I found it fine in theory but when the time came I was so bored!

When my youngest started school I had been a SAHM for 10 years. I had no plans to return to work but after the first few months I was bored and wanted to do something for myself so I went back to school. I still get periods of time off with the kids and really appreciate the days I get to potter around at home but glad I'm doing something for me too.

When my oldest started school, at that point I had no other children, I stayed at home but did a few hours volunteering per week.

Jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 29/05/2019 08:55

It depends on your circumstances.
I didn't go back to work, dh travelled a lot, never consistently. Organising work and kids would have been a nightmare.

When they were younger I volunteered within the school. We got ddog. I play tennis. Someone always there for school holidays etc. We were always busy with after school activities.

As they got older our lives have changed completely. Dh works away, kids in uni (one away, one home). Dh and I travel between our homes. He comes home for weekends or I go to his for a week/few days at a time, it depends what is going on and where.

His job is within m25, we found a lovely village feel place to live, I bring ddog with me and have fab walks on my doorstep but can easily nip into town for visiting places.

It's very different but for us it works.

TheKrakening3 · 29/05/2019 08:55

This will be me next year when my current work contract ends. I am so excited and plan to get fit, get the house and gardens in order and volunteer at the school.

Fortunately I am in a situation that in the unlikely event DH dropped dead or ran off with an exotic dancer, I would be able to maintain a modest but comfortable lifestyle for myself and my kids for the long term.

LaurieMarlow · 29/05/2019 08:56

I wouldn’t no. For lots of reasons, but in part because I’ve watched two female relative’s marriages break down when they were in their 50s (DH cheated).

Neither of them had worked since their marriage and both ended up taking the cheating bastards back because they were worried about their financial stability. I will never put myself in that position.

But lots of other reasons too. Why not work part time?

newjobnerves · 29/05/2019 08:57

I honestly don't understand what people do all day, it sounds utterly boring and unfulfilling. I just don't understand the desire to not have a career, obviously I understand not everyone has the desire, but I just can't relate to it.

Runkle · 29/05/2019 08:58

if you don't need the money (assuming you have your own) then why don't you volunteer somewhere first to see if you want to get back into working?

EmeraldRubyShark · 29/05/2019 08:59

No, you need to contribute financially to the family and pull your weight just like the partner who has been working this past few years to enable you to stay home (not that what you’ve been doing isn’t work, but once the kids are in school it’d be pretty selfish to say yep I’m just gonna continue not to bring an income in; makes sense while they’re small and need constant care throughout the day but not so much once they’re in school).

redeyes1 · 29/05/2019 08:59

I was a SAHM for 20 years (from first maternity leave). I absolutely loved it. I loved being able to be there for my children whenever they needed me. I (think) I had very varied days, I was never bored. Lots of different friends, gym, cooking classes, language lessons, volunteering, etc. I know I was very lucky to be able to do that.

However, 21 years later, I am now divorced. My choice entirely, but I really never saw it coming. I'm working PT but am feeling increasingly useless and worthless because I know that I'm capable of more, yet I have no relevant or recent experience. I've never even worked in an office with a computer!

Would I change anything? My time at home with my children was the most precious time to me, but now they resent that their dad, by law, has to give me maintenance and they have no appreciation of that I gave up a very good career for them. (again, it was my choice, but has rendered me more useless than a good graduate)

If I was you, I would keep one finger in the pie in one way or another, so to speak. You never know where you'll end up...

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 08:59

I honestly don't understand what people do all day, it sounds utterly boring and unfulfilling

I had singing lessons, had time to play my beloved musical instrument, improved my knowledge of a language, volunteered. And oh, the time for reading! And never had to worry about childcare!