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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
Biblio78 · 30/05/2019 21:40

I think you should think about what works for you. I returned to work when my ds turned 1 because I had to, financially and for my own sake! But due to a move and health issues I have been a sahm for past 2yrs. I have enjoyed the school run and assemblies, think he has enjoyed me being more present too. Being a single mum who worked 40 hr weeks then returned to higher education was tough. Currently I have been able to do short adult education courses, volunteer with local organisations. I will have to return to work for financial reasons. So yes, if I could afford to, I would be a sahm. I also don't see why a man cannot be a stay at home dad if needed. Hope that helps you think things through?

WLmum · 30/05/2019 21:42

Totally would. Would love to be able to do school runs and help out with reading, swimming, trips. Being at home would mean I could sort all the domestic stuff so when DH was at home we could focus on hobbies or time together instead of trying to keep our heads above the rising sea of home/school admin.
Not for me in this lifetime though.

Pa1oma · 30/05/2019 21:43

Also Katherina, Wouod you really feel as confident going abroad at the drop of a hat, if it had to leave you DC with “a childminder”. Wouldn’t this worry you more? The childminder wouid probably work fixed daytime hours - you’d have to get her to live in for a start. Wouldn’t your DC rather have their dad there in these circumstances? If there’s a concert or something and you can’t get the time off, wouid by you rather have your DH go, rather than a childminder?
It’s a bit odd that you see you DH as no more than an interchangeable support role Confused. He’s the kids dad fgs!

IndieTara · 30/05/2019 21:44

God I'd love this

Pa1oma · 30/05/2019 21:45

Well what is typical Alaskan? You?

mrspalomar · 30/05/2019 21:48

Once the summer holidays are over and your youngest has started school , i’d Say it would be reasonable to enjoy a bit of time to yourself. You’ll probably start to get some ideas of what to do and once your youngest has settled in to school and you’ve settled into having a different timetable for yourself. You will find other things to do - maybe work, maybe study, maybe volunteering, maybe something creative. It’s great to start getting back out into the world outside of home and family. But why put yourself under any pressure to work just because you think you ‘should’. That’s nuts. Give yourself time and space to see what opportunities are out there. That’s what I reckon, anyway. Enjoy!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 30/05/2019 21:52

*I just think it's unfair to put the entire financial pressure on one person for ever and ever in a relationship.

"Here's the thing. It's not unilaterally imposed. It's a situation that has been mutually agreed, in our relationship, with sacrifice and benefit experienced by both parties."*

That's good but it's definitely not the case in every family with a SAHP. We are good friends with two couples where it was mutually agreed that the woman would be a SAHM until the DC started school but now that time has come they're very resistant to going back to work. One flat out refuses to discuss it and the other keeps procrastinating and making excuses to put it off. They know that their DH's aren't happy with the situation but they also know they can't exactly force them to get a job. In one case the DH is so stressed about work that it's affected his health quite badly. I have also seen many threads on here over the years from SAHM's whose DH's want them to go back to work for various reasons and they're finding every excuse in the book not to. So maybe it is mutually agreed but initially in the majority of cases but things change and I do wonder how some of the women on this thread who've been at home for years supported by their DH would react if he came home tomorrow and said he'd had enough of being the breadwinner and wanted to cut his hours/retrain/just take some time off, if it meant they had to go back out to work.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/05/2019 21:53

It’s a bit odd that you see you DH as no more than an interchangeable support role

Where did I say that? He didn't see me as 'no more than a walking wallet' either. It's simply a reply to the poster who said that earning partners rely just as much on SAH ones than vice versa. In my opinion, not quite.

RomanyQueen1 · 30/05/2019 21:54

I think threads like these should include everyone whether typical or not. It just might help folk realise that we are all fucking different, with different sets of circumstances, living different lives.
Heaven forbid somebody should wander away from The stepford wives, all dropping their 2.4 kids off at nursery or wraparound care, going to the same type of job.

palepinkflowers · 30/05/2019 21:57

I really enjoyed being at home when my children were at school, I had time to study with the OU and time for myself and my hobbies, I attended classes and saw friends. I like to make a nice home and actually enjoy cooking and baking. I was able to be available in half terms and holidays to be with my children- which was particularly important as I was a lone parent. I did return to work part time during school hours for a while but then found I was not really alert enough to fully support my children with their homework and after school learning. I therefore reduced my part time hours further. Additionally, I found hat children need you in different ways as they get older, e.g. to talk to you about things that worry them, assistance with homework, driving them to music lessons and ballet. Last, but not least, I found it enjoyable to be there, to spend time with them and enjoy their company.

Tulipsandroses · 30/05/2019 21:59

But the school day is short. I personally plan to remain a SAHP when my children start school. For me it’s important I’m there for them to come home to. I suspect they will need me more emotionally as they get older. If you can afford it enjoy having a little more you time. It’s certainly not lazy.

moonrises · 30/05/2019 22:04

who've been at home for years supported by their DH would react if he came home tomorrow and said he'd had enough of being the breadwinner and wanted to cut his hours/retrain/just take some time off, if it meant they had to go back out to work.

I went 'ok, then' and I did. (Again not the same conversation / circumstance but the end result was the same)

YouJustDoYou · 30/05/2019 22:08

Do what works for you. When people tell you you're wrong for what you've chosen in life, then they're not nice people to listen to.

RomanyQueen1 · 30/05/2019 22:11

Minister

Wouldn't happen in our case as dh loves what he does, and doesn't see it as work. He's happy I allow him to do it tbh, and has always been open about his feelings.
He was glad he found someone who didn't want a high earning corporate type and I was happy with a poor stress free man, who was always there for his family.

ilovechocolate07 · 30/05/2019 22:38

I don't need to work but I got so bored at home when the kids were at school. I've taken up low paid part time work so I can still be home when they are most of the time. My job us stressful and I often daydream about leaving but I think I'd miss it. It also pays my car loan, into savings and for holidays.

DGV · 30/05/2019 23:11

Nice one OP. Light the touch paper and then run! Grin

edgeofheaven · 31/05/2019 00:36

My kids are 19,17 and 15. Oldest is in college. I'll always be a sahm and wouldn't trade it for anything.

You won’t always be a SAHM, in fact you won’t be one quite soon with children those ages! This is a new one, I have to stay home to support my adult children Hmm

TigerTooth · 31/05/2019 00:41
manicmij · 31/05/2019 00:44

Your life, your decision. If you do stay at home you will be giving your children constant stability, probably be more interested in what is going on in their life as you will have time. Given the number of posts in which MNs complain about not being able to juggle work, school holidays and family life especially if DH works away, if you don't depend on a would be income and you would feel you had enough to interest you I certainly wouldn't think twice about being ASAHM.

supermommyof4 · 31/05/2019 00:45

@missminagrindlay actually children born before 2017 are protected. Those born after the cut off point are not, i only have 3 at home now as 1 has moved out. I have worked on and off as they were growing up, but atm I just can not do it due to ill health. And i have been told the 3 still at home in fulltime education are protected from the 2 child cut off as they were all born well before 2017, last one was 2005.
Although I think Happymum might find that once UC takes over her dh will be expected to do more hrs..ie find full time work or a second job or for her to find work.
I am my sen childs carer and also a carer for mil, so i will not be expected to work and dh already works full time.

TigerTooth · 31/05/2019 00:46

Mancliffe

Sure, but don’t ask for 50/50 on everything should you divorce whilst claiming you “put your career in hold to bring up his kids”.

Why not? I’m a SAHM with 2 at school and 2at uni. I work just as hard as DH running the home, shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills and paperwork plus school related chores, homework and school runs.
Bloody right I’d want half in a divorce AND the house. Don’t underestimate the work of a SAHM and the creature comforts it affords a working DH.

supermommyof4 · 31/05/2019 00:52

@TigerTooth i totally agree. Don't get me wrong I do know sone sahp who do nothing all day. But that's not typical of sahp. I am constantly on the go. I keep my house garden kids etc in order. I make sure everyone has everything they need, and i am the first to volunteer to make cakes for cake sales, events, parties. I do all the diy in my home too. I would love the extra money from a job but I just couldn't atm.

Irishbookworm · 31/05/2019 01:02

I’m a SAHM & I’m certainly not lazy! All 4 of my kids are in school but I have no childcare for before/after school and school holidays. There aren’t too many jobs that would pay me well enough to afford childcare while I worked.

GrimDamnFanjo · 31/05/2019 01:11

I think I'd rather contribute to family finances and have some independence tbh.

TigerTooth · 31/05/2019 01:24

GrimDamnFanjo
I think I'd rather contribute to family finances and have some independence tbh.

Why do you feel that being a SAHM takes away independence? In what way? I can’t imagine anything I could do if I were working that I can’t do now.