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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 29/05/2019 09:00

Maybe I'm morbid but I worry a lot about what would happen if DH suddenly passed away. I'm working three days a week) with a 21 month old) but I would still struggle financially if the worst happened. Do you have a back up plan for how you would manage if it happened to you?

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/05/2019 09:01

I never returned to the 9-5 job after having eldest.

Childcare costs made it financially not viable, Dp earning enough for me not to work and the fact pregnancy made me disabled for years after.

(A big sarcastic thank you to the NHS who diagnosed me with needing a new hip when I had a slipped disc)

I work for myself intermittently.
I probably can earn as much or more than Dp.

As I didn’t have a “career” there wasn’t going to be any gaps.

If anything happens to Dp I can pretty much turn my hand to anything.
I wouldn’t be returning to working for someone else.
Firstly I am too old and secondly I haven’t got a single qualification

HolesinTheSoles · 29/05/2019 09:01

This all depends on career though. In many careers its not possible to work part time and doing an admin job would be seen in a negative light when you return to work. Obviously this isn't always the case though.

Bringonspring · 29/05/2019 09:01

I would love it for about 2 weeks! Then would probably get restless and start volunteering at places.

I only work though because I love my job. I wouldn’t do something mindless although have done historically when we needed the cash.

daisypond · 29/05/2019 09:01

I know quite a few people whose DPs either died, left them or lost their jobs in their 40s and 50s. How would you manage? For your own peace of mind I would work or at least train for a job while you have time and leisure. I work full time now - I have teenage DC. When mine were younger I worked three or four days a week. And I consider that a luxury.

Bringonspring · 29/05/2019 09:01

I would add, you can always try it and change your mind!

HolesinTheSoles · 29/05/2019 09:02

Also I would definitely have insurance to protect against your dp dying or being unable to work due to physical or mental illness.

PregnantSea · 29/05/2019 09:03

It's entirely up to you and your partner. Nobody can tell you what you want. If you want to go back to work then you should. If you don't want to and your partner is truly happy supporting you then don't.

It doesn't matter what other people think. This decision is highly personal and no one else can make it for you.

Shadycorner · 29/05/2019 09:03

I don't share this view of sahm being "lazy" and "sitting around all day" because done properly and creatively, with a degre if self-discipline, you can make massive (physical and emotional) contributions to family life and significant financial savings by being at home.

(Also it depends so much on people's individual circumstances eg how many DC, the size of your home(s), whether you are an expat/trailing spouses etc, whether your spouse travels often and without much notice, whether you have DC with sn or not.) One size definitely does not fit all.

However, speaking as someone who is out the other side raising a teen, I would encourage you to pursue a job or educational course leading to a job, or a serious voluntary role and a couple of interests just for yourself so that you can enjoy some financial independence, have your own identity outside of being "wife of" and "mother to", and are able to experience the rewards and satisfactions that come from work other than choring (which is not satisfying at all, especially after you have been doing it for a long time!). I agree with pp, the happiest I ever was, was when working three days a week which proved to be just the right balance for me at the time.

Good luck with your decision op Flowers

randomsabreuse · 29/05/2019 09:03

I think the logistics of KS1 and EYFS are less helpful for working than Nursery years ... short days, lots of illness, lots of holidays to cover, limited places in after school club which is finished by 5pm making commuting to a normal hours job more or less impossible.

Depends how flexible DH's job is.

Have been trying to work out logistics of working more now older DC is starting school and without local family I'm really struggling to sort it. Many holiday clubs don't take 4 year olds for full days either - sucks to have summer born!

Term time school hours jobs are fairly limited in scope and number!

OllyBJolly · 29/05/2019 09:04

I have discovered that the DCs need just as much, if not more, support as they get older

As a single parent, I had no option but to work for all of my DC's childhood. Youngest was under a year when I found myself with no income, debts, bills and a house in negative equity.

I found the statement above to be so true. Finding childcare pre school age was easy. Primary school was more difficult, and the stress of working full time plus, commuting and having 10 minutes notice to provide an egg, cardboard and whatever for that day's school activity was a bit overwhelmng. Not being able to attend nativity plays and carol concerts regularly is heart breaking.

However, the hardest bit for me was teenage years. Thankfully by that time I had got to a level where it was possible to work more flexibly but I do think it would have been better to have more energy to focus on the DCs.

However, having made a very considered decision with XH that I should give up my higher paying job to be a SAHM for him to leave us two years later, I would never, ever put myself in such a vulnerable position again.

Shadycorner · 29/05/2019 09:04

A degree of self-discipline!

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2019 09:04

I would go back to work yes, it gives you a life outside the home, some financial independence and a sense of contributing more than just housework and cooking etc.

BarbarianMum · 29/05/2019 09:06

Jacques can I ask, did you not feel guilty? Basically playing whilst your dh worked to support you. Or was the music your equivalent to his golf (or whatever)?

OP I was at home for 6 years like you and then went back part -time. It took some juggling (mostly w dh's attitude, it was a bit of a shock for him to suddenly have to cover some childcare issues like sick days) but its made for a happier, better balanced relationship long-term.

redexpat · 29/05/2019 09:06

Think like a Girl Guide and be prepared. How is your pension looking? What if dh died? The widows benefit has just been cut. What if the relationship broke down? Would you have enough to be happy in any of those circumstances.

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/05/2019 09:06

Fine but go into it with your eyes wide open.

I have a friend who has been home for almost 20 years and she's now getting a divorce and she is betting the farm on her STBX hiding money, because she can't believe how little they have of it.

She's super fucked, no two ways about it.

I have other friends who have been long-term SAHMs and they're fine and have had amazing lives and their husbands seemingly like having them at home.

stucknoue · 29/05/2019 09:06

I did for the first couple of years then went back pt

TwoOddSocks · 29/05/2019 09:06

To all the people saying 'what if DH died?' do you not have insurance to cover that!? We got that when we first got a mortgage. Even if you were both working it's a very good idea anyway. I know one woman who was a lawyer and developed bipolar so couldn't work anymore at all (at least not in the kind of high stress position which paid her mortgage) . She was insured and continues in the same lifestyle has no paid off her mortgage.

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 09:07

I would go back to work yes, it gives you a life outside the home, some financial independence and a sense of contributing more than just housework and cooking etc

Actually I think the financial independence aspect is important, I was lucky to have that despite being a SAHM so didn’t need to worry.

NabooThatsWho · 29/05/2019 09:07

Pre-school age, SAHM is fine, as long as the DH is ok with it.
With children at school, I would be bored not working. Cleaning the house isn’t exactly stimulating.
What about volunteering?

KoalasAteMyHomework · 29/05/2019 09:07

My DH and I have always planned for me to stay at home even when the children are both at school.
My career before kids was very "who you know" based and with all the changes to technology etc I can't see me ever being able to go back to it at a decent level, so if I worked it would be bottom rung of a ladder again somewhere.
Yes it's scary being financially dependent on DH but I also find it very sad that there are always so many people on Mumsnet assuming that any person dependent on their partner is a week away from divorce or something!
I like the idea of being home to help with homework, being able to shop, clean and prep dinner etc in the day so that when the kids are home they have my attention. Also we won't have to worry about childcare during the school holidays, sick days etc as jobs in my area that are part time, term time only are pretty rare and in high demand. Plus no juggling time off to attend assemblies, meetings, nativity plays etc.
I totally understand it's not for everyone though, I have several friends who would go out of their minds if they chose to stay at home and I will certainly miss out on the financial benefits of working and the time away from being "Mum".
Turns out my son has a lot of additional needs so the choice is pretty much out of my hands at the moment anyway - I gave up my part time job as it was too full on coping with all the paperwork, appointments etc we've had his year (Feb alone would have meant 15 days or at least afternoons off work).
I think ultimately it's whether you think you will be happy or not! You could always try for 6 months and see.

Hollowvictory · 29/05/2019 09:08

Our insurance covers paying off our mortgage plus insur of 4xmy dh income. Plus his pension. So nowhere near what he would have earned if he was alive!

newjobnerves · 29/05/2019 09:08

@JacquesHammer every day, 38 weeks of the year?! My mum and a dear friend of mine struggled with their period of being unemployed as they didn't feel they earned their time off, if every day is a blank day it's just a bit samey? Too much of a good thing and all that. I enjoy my time off as it's not the norm, and plenty of time for hobbies. I don't really worry about childcare, it's in place, there's 3 of us when needed and I work flexibly. Obviously it's just very different personalities. And I imagine it depends on how much money you have as a family, the few SAHMs I know aren't well off, don't go on holidays and can't really go off and do much. That just sounds dire to me.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 29/05/2019 09:08

What would you do all day if you were at home though? There’s only so much house work etc. But then I guess it would be nice to have to have so much time to yourself to relax and do things you enjoy.
So if you can easily afford it and you’re both happy then go for it.

If I had plenty of cash I’m sure I could manage to find ways to fill my time!

legalseagull · 29/05/2019 09:09

Personally the idea of sitting home alone and not having a purpose during the day would affect my mental health. I'm on maternity leave now and I miss having my own work life, work friends, intellectual stimulation etc. Plus, sorry to say it, but I do think it's a bit lazy and I wouldn't blame my husband if he started to begrudge it.