To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

I have only worked school hours since having the DC but I wouldn’t want to give that up.

The only RL SAHM mums I know definitely appear to ‘work’ for their families, as one pp put it. They do all the housework as well as running ‘errands’ for their DH’s and DC and (from the outside)it doesn’t appear to have done their self-esteem or relationships much good.

We don’t have life insurance. We can’t get cover.

I have only worked very part time or been a sahm for 15 years now. Youngest is 5 and in year 1.
Initially I took on a small self employment but now have a couple of parr time jobs.
It works for us.
If I ever divorced damn right I would want 50/50 mancliff not becsuse I put my career on hold but because I make an equal contribution.
I may work limited hours for minimum wage but I do everything else to run the hone and care for 2 kids with additional needs and a husband who need some additional help at the moment.
If I has a full time job I couldn't do all this.

Apologies typos.

I don't understand how for many the only options are: a) work fulltime or b) sit at the home the rest of your life, bored, staring at a wall.
Surely for most people there is a middle ground somewhere?

Ie: im effectively a 'trailing spouse' overseas. I gave up my 60+ hr mon-fri job to do so. However, I still work part time from home consulting, run a small holiday let, volunteer locally, actually now have time for some leisure, family time, cook more than an egg, renovate our (new to us) crumbly old house. (Actually doing all renovation myself, rather than paying local very expensive tradesmen, saves us virtually an entire years income atm as well). Its a good balance, and I wish I did it earlier.

Childcare here is also very limited. Age 0-3 virtually nothing exists bar a private very expensive nanny, then nursery 3-6 years is only 8am-12, and 6+ years school is 7.30am-11.30am, with again very limited after school care available if any. It would be virtually impossible for DH and I to both work 9-5 jobs.

Roses I think once you have DC there’s a balance to be struck. And I have to ask where your dad was when you were growing up?

My mother was a SAHM but a pretty indifferent one. My father needed to work long hours and as a result I hardly ever saw him, or when I did he was knackered and would generally be asleep on the sofa.

Good parents will make time for their DC somehow, working or not.

To answer your question, yes. I have, and still am a "SAHM" for 14 years, and my DD's are 16 and 22. I love it and don't have time to get bored. I did it the other way round to most, and worked through babyhood, and early years until both were at nursery/school then gave up. Best decision we ever made. Very happy, stress free family.

I’d be shit bored tbh. Everyone is different, some people are perfectly ok being home all day but it drives me mad.

I’m currently on mat leave and whilst I love spending time with baby DS, I am aching to be at work too. It’s just so tedious day in, day out. I need more stimulation.

Do it if you’re happy being home but I’d personally feel I had to do something be it part time work, a college course etc.

OP, it is totally irrelevant what other people think. They are not you. Their personality is not yours. Their DHs are not yours. Their financial set-up is not yours and nor are their children. This is stating the obvious, but what I mean to say is that you don’t have to justify anything - ever. Don’t listen to these petty people going in about proportions of housework etc, as if that’s the be-all-and-end-all.

I’ve been a SAHM for 15 years. We have 4 DC and all I can say is, thank god I don’t need to work and DH is fully supportive. Our lives are so much less hectic for it -not too mention our mental health.

When you’re ready to return to work or perhaps reinvent yourself via a need training or business idea maybe, you will know. Nothing is ever set in stone.

@Notabedofroses we are defined by our own experiences. My mum was not like your mum, she was a working mum who climbed the career ladder as I grew up, I have nothing but respect and am very close to her. She inspired me to go out and do what I want, not what society expects. I think work ethic is incredibly important and I want to show my children that life is too short to do something boring or that doesn't fulfil you, I want them to see the world as their oyster and forge whatever career they want for themselves, not being restrained by society. If growing up with a working mum was so bad for me, I wouldn't be one.

My grandmother was a SAHM to 4 kids, she said multiple times she was born in the wrong era and would have loved to have worked, her life wasted due to the time she was born.

Not every mum is like your mum, I am home by 5.30, I'm not too tired to talk to my kids, our careers have opened amazing opportunities for our children. It's ridiculous to say "you can't have it all" based on your own experience. You can't possibly know the dynamics of all families. Frankly, I just think I'd be wasted at home, I'm capable of more, I pay a cleaner, when you factor in school activities I don't see my kids 1.5 hours in the day, the benefit of what they do see me do is far greater.

Personally I’d only do it if it meant doing something creative in those hours, rather than volunteering, pta or cleaning. If it was the latter I’d rather be at work (doing something creative).

Plus I like to have my own money coming in, which does happen as a sahm which helps my mh and feeling about it all in general.

Are you independently financially secure? Finding a decent job with 6 years out of market is hard enough - 16 or 26 will be a lot more challenging.

Part time work is the happy medium. Don't work full time if you don't need to. There's more to life than work!

No, you need to contribute financially to the family and pull your weight just like the partner who has been working this past few years to enable you to stay home (not that what you’ve been doing isn’t work, but once the kids are in school it’d be pretty selfish to say yep I’m just gonna continue not to bring an income in; makes sense while they’re small and need constant care throughout the day but not so much once they’re in school).

The OP hasn't given us the information we need to ascertain whether her working would make a financial contribution to the household. Depending on how many children they have, their ages and her earning potential, it's possible that wraparound and holiday care would cost more than she'd earn, and therefore she would be costing the household by working.

Now that's not to say there aren't arguments for her doing it anyway, a family might well decide to shoulder a financial loss for a period in order to future proof. That's often the best decision. But if you're couching it in terms of pulling one's weight financially, you can't just make assumptions like you have. And please no posts about childcare being a joint cost, that doesn't matter when it's a decision purely about whether a second earner will bring more money in or not.

OP what sort of thing might you be interested in doing? If you worked, and if you didn't work.

I have been a SAHM for quite a long time ,and feel it has plus sides (lots of free time ,no worries about work on top of home .Always there for the children).If so inclined can always get a dog /lots of time for walks (way to meet people and not be bored!).On the minus side less money ,Friends often at work . Try it and see ,you may find it difficult to get school time jobs anyway TBH. And then would have to factor in childcare costs as well.

A lot of this also depends on your children. I was more of a studious, introvert. After school I wanted to come home, chat about my day, read my book in peace. I hated after school club and it left me exhausted. It also meant I had very little quality time with either parent as by the time work was done it was a rush to get homework done, bath, bed etc. A relationship can't be sustained without quality time and when kids are little the quality time has to be everyday - they usually need that boost.

I'm lucky in that I'm able to work in a stimulating job part time. My original career wasn't possible part time, if I'd done an admin or other unrelated job it would have been seen as a massive negative and effectively ruled me out of returning. I'm not sure what I'd do if I wasn't able to adapt my career to part time. I don't think two full time jobs would be an option as it would negatively affect the kids too much but I'd hate to give up all career prospects permanently. I think I would devote the time to studying part time so I'd be qualified to work once the kids were older and less dependent on me. Obviously that's a luxury not everyone can afford but if I could make it happen it would 100% be worth the investment.

Logistically I think it's harder to work when your children are at school compared with when they are babies/toddlers.

School holidays are 14 weeks a year. That's a lot of childcare to find. Schools start at 8.30-9 and finish at 3ish...jobs that fit into that time space aren't necessarily easy to come by.

Not to mention inset days. And the amount of events primary schools want parents to attend...

Open mornings
Assembly's
School plays
Sports day

No.

I'd not want my children to see it a daily example of men work and women don't. I want them to have an equal relationship in future where both parties share the responsibilities not just one.

I want them to see it's possible to have it all, work, children and a home regardless of their gender. I want them to use their education.

What happens if your husband leaves? What about a pension?

Does it not bother you that everything you buy is funded by someone else? Every gift (so your DH funds his own), every meal, hygiene products etc? I couldn't cope with that, it would feel very selfish. Not to mention all going to pot if something happened.

Well if dc are at school your not a SAHM your just unemployed.

I guess it depends how comfortable you are being completely reliant on a man for money and I’d be worried about my children growing up thinking this set up was normal

Agree with a PP, your children need you more when they get older. Holiday clubs , nursery care fine when they are young but what happens when they are Y7 in senior school? I gave up 18k 3 days a week job when my children were 12 and 8 and was lucky enough to get a term time job 4 years ago but the 4 years I had at home (picking up random part time work ) was priceless , children definitely need you more in those interim years .

I'm not sure I agree that teens need more help. Certainly not in terms of time. Whilst they remain demanding time spent with them reduces and certainly becomes more ad hoc.

Both my teens keep "office hours" although they finish school at 4, they're not usually home until 6 as they'll hang out with friends until then.

The chats and support they need are much more intense but more ad hoc on my experience

Um, would it be possible for women to be respectful of what is traditionally seen as 'women's work' i.e, the domestic work at home? If it is not possible for women to be respectful of the reality that some women do find it fulfilling, can find plenty in their day to keep them busy, stimulated and occupied, that it works for some women as an option throughout their lifetime, and that their husbands (or wives) see it as a mutually beneficial arrangement, and are very respectful of the unpaid but large contribution their partners make that enables their career to flourish (and of their sacrifices in terms of income, career, and social status), I'm just kind of wondering how the hell we can castigate men for not being so?

That was a very long sentence. Sorry.

Well if dc are at school your not a SAHM your just unemployed.

Don't be silly. Kids are in school 9-3 during term time only. That gives you about four hours a day to work maximum. Minus the days they're sick, have school assemblies etc.

I think most of the posts whatever their advice have been well reasoned but there are always a few who have to be divisive and defensive towards people who have made a different choice.