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Original poster

If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

397 replies

onceacheat · 29/05/2019 08:12

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

OP posts:
NorthernRunner · 29/05/2019 15:19

Onceacheat- if you are the OW I implore you to consider the consequences. Would you just be telling the wife to ease your conscience, for revenge because the husband has rejected you, or because you think she would want to know...

I think the wife should be told, but not anonymously. Tell her the whole truth, including who you are, or not at all.

As for the work situation, tough shit if it’s awkward. Perhaps the OW with no children or family should be the one to find another job!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/05/2019 15:21

Yes I’d want to know. For several reasons

I’m building my life with him
Might have more dc
Making lifelong decisions based on me trusting him
Finances, again decisions are made and I think I can trust him
If he’s been cheating his capacity for deceit has to be known before making any life changing decisions

ethelfleda · 29/05/2019 15:26

I would want to know. I’d want to know what was wrong in our marriage to make him do that and I’d want to bloody well work on it and sort it out so it doesn’t happen again.
Please don’t do it OP. You are clearly the OW and it’s spiteful and vindictive and you WILL regret it massively.

ichifanny · 29/05/2019 15:28

You’ve got to love when the other woman or man comes over all moral once the affair is over pity you didn’t have the same morality when chasing an affair with a married person . I hope you get shat on from a great height too one day OP .

Passtherioja · 29/05/2019 15:30

How do the husband and OW deal with working together when there is such awkwardness now? Yes, they should have thought about this but hindsight is a great thing. Should one suggest the other leaves?

Wow...definitely the OW. You really want to do him over don't you!? You know you hold the cards so you'll tell his wife-most likely end his marriage and he'll lose his child, and end his job too. Way to go 😡

I don't believe so many people would want to know if it was guaranteed to never happen again-they may say that they do, and if they've lived through a relationship with an unfaithful spouse then they may have convinced themselves that's true...but I think most women would rather never know if it's a one-off.

Now, I am in no way condoning his behaviour but this is just vengeful shite because you wanted to rekindle the affair and he doesn't. If you think his wife should know then tell him that's what you think he should do...it's not for you to do.

Most of all just him alone- you shouldn't have messed with a married man anyway, find some morals and self-respect and find someone single to play with rather than someone's husband.

I just hope you can live with yourself if the pressure of this revelation becomes too much for him, or his wife. If any harm comes to him, his wife or their child this sits at your door step if you tell her.

Takemetothemoon · 29/05/2019 15:30

I'm sorry but she needs to know so she can make up her own mind. Perhaps not an anonymous letter because she'll be constantly looking over her shoulder wondering how many people know, but a letter from YOU with proof. If you're doing this to get a chance with the husband just be warned he will never forgive you for this. Even anonymously he'll know it's you.

If you care at all about this woman and feel deep regret for what you've done then tell her, not face to face so she can digest it privately, then leave them to sort out their marriage if it can be saved.

I understand he may never do this again after realising how important his FAMILY are but more likely he'll think he can get away with it again.

You were sex, an ego boost and a distraction. You need to work on your self esteem and he needs to he honest and work on his marriage.

With regards to moving jobs or being uncomfortable in the workplace... that's something you'll both need to think about because these are the consequences messing about with an innocent wife and baby.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2019 15:31

If she is the OW, she hasn’t done anything wrong really.

Normally I'm all in favour of blaming the married party 100%. But it takes a special kind of arsehole to shag a married man with a new baby. I mean come on, nothing wrong?

And an anonymous letter is shit. All of the messing with their marriage with none of the blame or consequences. Double arsehole.

KnittingForMittens · 29/05/2019 15:36

Yes I would. I do not appreciate being mugged off.

Passtherioja · 29/05/2019 15:40

Can we all stop the anonymous letter/email/send proof/text advice.

@onceacheat - if you're going to tell this innocent wife about the affair then go to the house, look her in the eyes and tell her the truth.

If you feel so heroic in your actions do it face to face. Not hidden and cowardly. Look her in the fucking eyes if your going to rip her world apart-you should at least have to live with that image if you're so convinced you're right.

I for one hope she deals with it well, and sorts it out with her husband, if she's wishes to, for the sake of her baby and I also hope that she doesn't try too hard to resist the temptation to slap you!

frazzledasarock · 29/05/2019 15:50

OP the man dumped you.

If you tell his wife, he will not come running to you you, he’s already decided he doesn’t want you, he’ll just hate you.

Also I’d be mindful of sending his wife compromising pictures you may have as you could find yourself being prosecuted for revenge porn.

You’re really coming over all fatal attraction.

Leave them alone.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/05/2019 15:51

Yes I would want to know, whoever told me.

However I also wouldn't believe it without evidence - so an anonymous letter would be awful, stirring up worry and doubt with no evidence to confirm my suspicions.

boobirdblue · 29/05/2019 15:51

If she is the OW, she hasn’t done anything wrong really.

Really?

That's a highly debatable comment.

Takemetothemoon · 29/05/2019 15:52

I'm sorry but I couldn't think of anything worse than the woman who was shagging my husband seeing my complete devastation simply for her own gain. I would rather deal with it privately and I absolutely would want proof or I wouldn't believe it.

Doesn't really matter anyway, the OP/OW will do what she likes to get back at that disgusting man. Both as bad as each other.

Takemetothemoon · 29/05/2019 15:53

Certainly wouldn't suggest sending photos though, not only illegal it's an image the poor wife won't forget.

boobirdblue · 29/05/2019 15:54

Working together is difficult, you know he's rejected you as you're not what he wants. Can you work like that, you clearly still want him but he's not interested, I'd move on if I were you.

ichifanny · 29/05/2019 15:55

The poor woman has a young baby the fact someone would send anyonymous letters right photos is pretty disgusting and cowardly

Passtherioja · 29/05/2019 15:59

@Takemetothemoon -I know what you mean ... but I don't think she should be able to do it from a distance, she should have to bear witness to the destruction she causes.

Whatsername7 · 29/05/2019 16:04

An anonymous letter is the most cowardly solution. You get to throw the hand grenade in but don't have to deal with the messy fall out. Why don't you go the whole hog a blackmail the husband for a bit first? If you are going to behave so cruelly you might as well do it properly. If you are the OW, leave your place of work. You are going to come out of this looking like an unprofessional, manipulative and nasty bitch. Firstly for the affair with a married man and secondly for the callous way in which you seem determined to inform the wife and blow his marriage apart. No one will have any sympathy for you.

Tableclothing · 29/05/2019 16:05

Anonymous letters are probably the cuntiest way of telling someone their husband has been unfaithful.

Ending his marriage won't make him want you. It'll just make him angry.

TheCakeCrusader · 29/05/2019 16:06

I don’t think the OP gives a jot what anyone’s opinion is tbh, whoever they might be - however, he/ she seems to be enjoying having attention on themselves... 😏

Original poster
onceacheat · 29/05/2019 16:10

Ok, so it seems opinion has changed and the wife now shouldn't be told that their husband has had an affair. She should remain blissfully unaware to live with her wonderful husband (who will probably do it again). Fair enough.

OP posts:
Takemetothemoon · 29/05/2019 16:12

@passtherioja (love the name btw!) No I totally get what you're saying. The OW should have to face up to this too but from previous posts she might enjoy it. There is nothing to suggest she feels bad at all and looks like it's just vengeful.

I would feel worse knowing that someone who didn't care about me saw my world being ripped apart because that's exactly how the wife will feel and most likely won't be able to maintain dignity after such a horrific revelation which will only make her feel worse. In a perfect world he'll confess himself. Certainly nothing anon because that just creates doubt. Facts then crawl back under her rock if she believes they're doing the right thing by this poor woman and child.

OP I will also look at the other side and understand you must be hurt but it doesn't take hindsight to know that you DO NOT go near a married man with a baby. You are both equally responsible whether he's the one in the relationship or not.

JimandPam · 29/05/2019 16:15

Opinion hasn't changed. It's been consistent.

She deserves to know but if you are the OW then coming from either you or an anonymous letter is the most hurtful cowardly way to do it.

She deserves to hear it from a friend or someone who can be there for her to pick her up.

Your motives for doing this sound very bitter from your last post.

NKFell · 29/05/2019 16:15

OP I'm sure you must feel hurt and angry but you mustn't do anything. Let him live with his own guilt and take it as a lesson learnt to never get involved with a married man.

TheCakeCrusader · 29/05/2019 16:15

Cherry picking opinions... yawn.

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