If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

[onceacheat]

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

@onceacheat

Nobody is suggesting they wife should be blissfully unaware, far from.
They are simply stating that the OW shouldn't be the one to tell her considering she is at fault herself and will only be doing it out of spite!
You have to be a particular kind if woman to shag a man who has just had a baby! You have to be a complete cunt to have an affair when your wife has just given birth.

They wife deserves better than to hear from any of those parties ever again.

As for the work situation. They made their bed! They have to lie in it like a pig in shit!

OP, you're a goady fucker. You should be ashamed of yourself. Thoroughly ashamed.

@onceacheat if you are her best friend (and didn't shag her husband!!) and you just happen to know what has gone on then by all means tell her. Hold her while she cries, take her calls at 2am, babysit while she visits the solicitors, be there for her while her world falls apart...IF you are doing this to support and care for someone you love them feel free to tell her everything you know and then be with her every step of the way while she sorts it out.

BUT if you are just doing it to make him pay because you are the OW then leave them alone!!

Excellent only hearing what you want to hear, OP. Truly outstanding, an industry award beckons.

To burst your bubble... People are telling you that the Other Woman (you) should not tell the wife in question. Which is not the same as not wanting to know.

I agree with PP who say this, as you are quite scarily hell bent on a destructive course that will damage all three people involved, only one of them undeservedly.

I would say it's possible for an OW to deliver this news sensitively, even though it will hurt like a sledgehammer. In this case, I think you are the sledgehammer.

@onceacheat I think she should know. It's how it's done. It would be better coming from him. If it's coming from you then don't rub it in her face. Also don't do anything that will just make her doubt without cold, hard facts. Its then up to them and you need to live with what you've done and hopefully learn not to do it again.

You will never be the winner here if that's what you'd hoped. Anything you do make sure it's for the right reasons.

Oh OP the bitterness just oozes out of you in your posts.

So if I can get anything through, can I ask for just a while don't think about OW (wether that is you or not) or DH. But think of the the DW.

Genuinely she hasn't done anything to deserve this desire to punish her, so please if you have any empathy think what kind of bomb you want to put in her life.

It won't give you the relief you hope it will to destroy hers, honestly it won't.

You won't make yourself happy by hurting someone else, please don't do it.

Cherry picking opinions... yawn.

And tiny breadcrumbs of information and opinion to keep everyone riled up.

No, opinions have not changed. You asked 'would you want to know?'. The vast majority said 'yes I would'. Personal question = personal response. What people do not agree with is the OW writing an anonymous letter to a woman who is still on mat leave after having her first baby, just to cause the implosion of the marriage out of spite because she has been dumped. Should the husband tell her - yes. He probably wont though. Should a concerned friend tell her? Yes, but face to face and gently. Shoukd the ow tell her? Only if she isnt doing it out of revenge or to try and get her man. The OW can do no right in this situation- because she has already fucked up so badly by shagging another woman's husband. No matter what she does, she can not make it right because she is already so very wrong. She can take responsibility and avoid further shitty behaviour by not writing a letter though. Stop being obtuse.

@MrsTerryPratchett

And tiny breadcrumbs of information and opinion to keep everyone riled up

Agreed

I’d want to know but I absolutely would not want it to be the OW to tell me. If you are the OW and you tell the wife that’s an incredibly spiteful thing to do.

i dont think theres anyone whether it comes from ,him,other woman,friend,colleague,general shitstirrer,..that can soften the blow or make it more palateable. An anon letter is creepy. Presumeably you dont personally know the wife? If you are ow face to face best avoided. Your names gonna come out anyway so at least sign the letter. .....cant help but feel for the wife involved;- even if hes got previous for cheating,its not ever what you want to hear. I guess where you work,what as and who for are relevant with regard to awkward employment situation.

@onceacheat I think you should tell her to her face. Hopefully she wont be like me though 'cos I'd probably punch you in your cunt face then I'd deal with 'DH'. Of course once I'd got over my shock and anger I might apologise and thank you for telling me.

OP: no matter who you are, no matter what your motivation, please do not tell her.

Her baby is 11 months old. This is an intensely vulnerable period of time for any new mother. She could have PND; her hormones will still be all over the place; at the very best, she’s likely to be exhausted from lack of sleep. It’s not a time that is conducive to making life-changing decisions. At worst, if she’s suffering in these ways or feeling unsupported, which is highly likely if her husband is out shagging elsewhere, then divulging this information could potentially lead to something very serious. Are you prepared to live with the consequences of this?

If you are the OW, have feelings for this creep of a man and hope that telling her will clear the way to your being together permanently then you’re either very young, very naive, or have an outsized capacity for self-delusion. Surely you must know that this isn’t going to happen. You were a receptacle because sex was probably either very rare or non-existent, which is hardly unusual with a 7-MO. He’s already decided he doesn’t want you. If all you want is revenge, the likelihood is that she’ll believe him, not you, and it’s you they will both end up hating.

Let me be clear: the bulk of the responsibility for his despicable actions rests with him. You should now accept the consequences of your own, and leave his wife alone. It will lead you to absolutely nowhere good if you don’t. And in any event, I think you’ve done enough.

If you are the OW, and I strongly suspect that you are, then Arse Married Man wouldn't be able to do it, without your engaging with it, would he. So, 'he'll do it again'. Yes, if women like you let him Don't kid yourself your motives in telling her are pure. They aren't.

Think the problem is that the wife should know but seemingly no one else is going to tell her bar the OW. She still needs to know so now it's damage limitation. Can't say I trust the OW to do it for the right reasons but the woman needs to know some way or another.

Yes, the wife should know... but she should never hear it from the OW. Never.

OP, if you are the OW, you will be seen as 'the spiteful nutjob'. You will get nothing out of telling the wife. You won't get the husband back.
If you are the OW, you have to move on. Find love in a way that can be reciprocated, a love with room for growth and evolution. Affairs are nothing but sad... especially when there are children involved. You just don't touch these guys with a barge pole.

I remember being in love at 24 with a wonderful photographer I used to work with all the time. I remember leaving the studio one day at the same time as him and seeing two car seats in the back of his car and I was like, "Don't even daydream about this guy anymore." We worked so well together for years and he was a very good friend. I absolutely put my feelings into lock-down. I had way too much respect for the wife and children in his life to let my crush take over. When I saw those car seats, the wife and children suddenly and wholly existed in my mind.
You just have to be sensible and compassionate towards others. Life isn't just about us and our little wants and whims.

If you are the OW, it's not about you. YOu need to just let go and find love that you can actually have the freedom to enjoy. No sense in wrecking people's lives.

I don't believe so many people would want to know if it was guaranteed to never happen again-they may say that they do, and if they've lived through a relationship with an unfaithful spouse then they may have convinced themselves that's true...but I think most women would rather never know if it's a one-off.

I'm genuinely interested in why you think most women wouldn't want to know. Some women, sure. There have been some who have posted here. But I would want to know, even if he regretted it immediately and lived a whiter-than-white life afterwards. And I've never had an unfaithful spouse.

I would not appreciate someone deciding what information about my life I could or could not have. I don't believe in blissful ignorance. Honestly, I think the only time that it may be easier for some people not to know, is if they'd stay regardless.

Honestly, no. I wouldn’t want to know because I’d be in hugely vulnerable time in my life. Personally the hardest time in my life was first year of parenting. So even if it came out later, I’d rather not know. I also think your motives are hugely suspect. Just get a new job and move on.

IMO an OW or bystander’s motivation for telling the cheated on person isn’t relevant: always better for the cheated on person to have information than not to have it, to inform their decisions about their relationship and life.

Yes, I would want to know. No doubt about it. Absolutely and unequivocally. Even if it was coming from a sad and bitter ex OW that is only ‘doing the right thing’ because she has been callously discarded and now feels even more worthless and pitiful than before the affair started, and is out for revenge

Tell her! It should be her decision on what happens next...

AnchorDownDeepBreath

I'm genuinely interested in why you think most women wouldn't want to know

For many, many reasons. I would want to ensure my sexual health was the same as pre the affair, I would want to know that I am married to the kind of lowlife that has an affair with an office random when I have just given birth. I would want the decision as to whether I want to stay with such a creature to be mine and not his.

Your last post shows that you’re the OW and you came on here for justification to tell his wife.
You’re not concerned for her well-being or indeed her marriage. You are pissed off about being dumped and this faux indignation is for you, not his wife.
You need to keep your mouth shut, stop pretending to be holier than thou and spend some time on finding your morals. You’re a proper piece of work.

AnchorDownDeepBreath

I need to learn to read

If it was just a month with a bit of shagging, flirting etc then it was most likely some cheap slapper .... so perhaps best not to know as it’s not like he will be going back for more.