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Original poster

If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

397 replies

onceacheat · 29/05/2019 08:12

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 29/05/2019 11:49

I'd want to know and I wouldn't care if you were the OW. At least the OW would be able to provide proof of what had happened ie messages, dates, etc, so I'd know it was true and not just spiteful gossip.

As the OW and a colleague be prepared for it to impact massively at work. Once you give someone information, you can't control who they share it with or what they do with it.

Kaddm · 29/05/2019 11:52

Yes
Poor bloody woman struggling at home with a little baby and everything that the postpartum period brings whilst her husband is out shagging.

ImNotNigel · 29/05/2019 11:52

I wish some of these OW “ doing the right thing “ would bloody well do it BEFORE they shagged a married man and not after.

All this “ taking the moral high ground “ is a bit late.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 29/05/2019 11:53

"Did the right thing in the end". Is there really a right thing to do when you've pissed all over your marriage?

I'd want to know so I could leave him.

TheTrollFairy · 29/05/2019 11:59

Op won’t be back!

I would want to know but not from the OW so yes, it does make a difference with who you are in all of this as it will depend your motivation.

SimplySteveRedux · 29/05/2019 12:00

Yep, with the door shut in the bastards face.

proseccoandbooks · 29/05/2019 12:00

Of course, how else would I dump the idiot?

MorrisZapp · 29/05/2019 12:01

Nope, don't tell her. It's over so just stay out of it. She's in no position to leave him anyway if she has a tiny baby.

BTW, to the karma merchants. If a married man has an affair with a single woman, surely 'karma' would be his own wife cheating on him later? Why does the single woman need to be punished by karma while the actual cheater walks free?

CripsSandwiches · 29/05/2019 12:04

If you're the OW and tell the wife there's no way you can claim any moral high ground. If you were that concerned about the poor woman you wouldn't have done it in the first place. Whether or not she'll appreciate being told your motives in telling her will naturally be assumed to be bad.

Personally I wouldn't want to know while I was stuck at home with a tiny baby.

whothedaddy · 29/05/2019 12:16

I'm going against the grain with the opinion of not wanting to know.
If it was just 1 month. If it was just the one woman. If my husband wanted our relationship to work and to keep our family together...I'd rather live in blissful ignorance.

It's only when the truth is known that the pain is felt and the trust is broken, "if you don't know it can't hurt you". As a woman who's child's father cheated on me, I forgave the once...it was the other times that killed it. It was everyone knowing that haunted me. It was the trust that was broken that effected future relationships.

I would like to caveat this though. If my husband was not happy and wanted out, I would want to know. If it wasn't over I would want to know. If there were feelings and doubts to the future of my family I would want to know. If it was public knowledge I would want to know. If he had caught anything I would want to know.

People, and therefor relationships, are never black and white. I do think somethings that break some people are the making of others. I do think affairs can make you appreciate what you have and give you clarity to what you want and need. When a child is created it is terrifying for all parties involved and people do crazy things. I wouldn't write off a person just because of one affair. It needs an holistic approach. Is life together worth more than one indiscretion?

Thedilemma111 · 29/05/2019 12:18

If you are the OW are you just wanting to stir things up because you got DUMPED ?!

TheCraicDealer · 29/05/2019 12:21

Honestly? If my husband had had an affair that he deeply regretted, and he genuinely was never going to do it again? Um... probably not, no.

Same. If it truly was a one-off and the marriage was otherwise happy I wouldn't end things under those circumstances, and I would hazard a guess I wouldn't be unusual in that regard when it came down to it. Even on the relationships board if the affair is over and the adulterer ceases contact with the OW most of the time you'll find they'll "try again". Sometimes ignorance is bliss, particularly with a 7mo.

And if you are the OW, telling his wife just smacks of trying to get back at him for rejecting you rather than any altruistic reason.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 12:25

When I read this first, I thought both parties were married, but now it seems the OW isn't married and did develop feelings for the OM.

If you are the OW, then you need to stay well alone now. He's rejected you. You were wrong to have an affair in the first place, as was he, but don't go making her life a misery by telling her. It will make them both hate you.

Find someone else and be happy there. You'll never be happy by making someone else miserable.

LightDrizzle · 29/05/2019 12:25

I’d want to know. Even if you are the OW. Unless you are must friend or family, you are pretty much irrelevant to me. It’s my partner I’m bothered about and I deserve to make an informed choice as to whether I spend more years of my precious life with him.
I would always tell, even at the risk of losing the friend, because I think a true friend doesn’t make that order of decision on the part of their friend.

Sparklesocks · 29/05/2019 12:27

I would want to know but if the OW was the one who told me I wouldn’t think of it as an act of altruism on her part, but see it as an attempt to hurt my husband/cause upset out of spite.

Fedoratheexploreer · 29/05/2019 12:31

I’d definitely want to know, but I’d definitely leave, even if it was just a one time thing.

sincethereis · 29/05/2019 12:32

the language being used here is awful

Deeming OP/OW (if she is) , “despicable” “low life” is disgusting.

Saying things like “leave the man and his wife alone” is disgusting.

Acting as if men don’t cheat because THEY WANT TO and blaming the woman he cheats with is disgusting. If she is the OW, she wasn’t predatory and MADE him cheat. They both decided too.

If she is the OW, she hasn’t done anything wrong really. He has. She didn’t promise to not cheat or to stay loyal so if she wants to sleep with a married man, go for it. It can only happen if the married man wants it to happen.

@TheDilemma111
You can’t be serious. I would say it’s worse that your husband SLEEPS with another woman than “dumps” the woman he sleeps with. He at some point preferred to sleep with OP rather than the wife !

Weirdwonders · 29/05/2019 12:33

If you’re the OW and weren’t prepared to tell her during the affair, are you not a bit embarrassed about wanting to do so now just because you got dumped?

And honestly, I probably wouldn’t want to know. I suspect he’s realised he’s happy with what he has.

sincethereis · 29/05/2019 12:33

And in answer to the OP, I wouldn’t tell her. They clearly have marital problems that telling her won’t solve

BrendasUmbrella · 29/05/2019 12:34

if he's had an affair already, there will be others in the future. Even if she is the OW, I think telling her is the right thing to do. Then she can decide whether she wants to stay under the true circumstances of her marriage, or not.

if the OW was the one who told me I wouldn’t think of it as an act of altruism on her part, but see it as an attempt to hurt my husband/cause upset out of spite

But I don't think the OW's motivations are the primary point here. She would find out her DH had been cheating, it doesn't really matter why the OW told her.

Sparklesocks · 29/05/2019 12:37

BrendasUmbrella yes but i think it would be extra hurtful to find out that way, on top of the pain and anger towards your husband I would also be mortified that’s how I found out.

Mia1415 · 29/05/2019 12:38

No I wouldn't want to know.

Unless, the marriage was unhappy and I wanted a reason to end it, OR this wasn't the first affair.

Otherwise, I'd rather not know I think

EmeraldShamrock · 29/05/2019 12:39

if the OW was the one who told me I wouldn’t think of it as an act of altruism on her part, but see it as an attempt to hurt my husband/cause upset out of spite
Me too.
I'd still appreciate the information whatever the motive, then I could hurt my husband too, my physically flinging his sorry weak arse out the door.
She deserves to know.

Squigglesworth · 29/05/2019 12:42

She needs to know as gently as possible, and not from the disgusting (yes, she's disgusting, as is the piece-of-crap husband) "OW". If the OW-- cheating-partner decides she's suddenly going to take the "high road" by telling the wife, perhaps she can do so anonymously, to save the poor wife some small part of the humiliation and shock.

Also, telling her isn't about trying to solve any marital problems. It's about giving the wife the chance to make up her own mind whether or not to stay with her cheating husband. It's no-one else's business or concern whether or not the marriage is beyond saving. If anything, if it's beyond saving, that's all the more reason for letting her known as soon as possible to get out-- to protect herself from further possible exposure to diseases, to stop her wasting even more time, effort, and life on her shitty husband, etc.

gingerbiscuits · 29/05/2019 12:43

I'd definitely want to know but the fact that your username is 'onceacheat' makes me suspicious of who you are & what your motives are in this scenario.

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