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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

232 replies

Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:11

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/05/2019 19:30

Your daughter working abroad is a godsend Its a natural break in the proceedings that allows you to change the rules.
I was angry on your behalf when I read your post. You very kindly, to help your adult child offered to let her move in to save money to establish a future home.
Now that you've done that they both seem to take it as read that they can behave however they want.
If you try to discuss things with them, they start getting angry and defencive. It is your RIGHT in your own home to be able to say to them sit down and discuss this like adults. They are not giving fair trade in return for your generosity and you need to tell them that. What I noticed in your post is that you are frightened of being thought of as "nasty" because boyfriend is supposedly "lovely".. This is what they think. Its not true. He's sometimes charming but complains about you to DD behind your back. Not lovely. Not to someone who is financially supporting them.
I would sit DD down and ask exactly how much has been saved for the "mortgage" and what their plans are. How long does she plan to stay. She is not allowed to stand up and squawk that she;ll move out if you say anything she doesn't like. That is blackmail.
Make a list of what you want to say. You are allowed to ask these questions because you are footing the bill.
Personally I think you need to make a stand about him living under your root when your daughter isn't. FOR YOUR OTHER DCs sake.
You may get called nasty names. This shows how ungrateful they are both being for your kindness to date.
Then you should sit him down and say your piece. I'd be asking him to make alternative arrangements when DD abroad since he's taken offence about you asking about jobs etc. Tell him its a bad example to your boys and you are not subsidising him.
This all stems from not agreeing things upfront (difficult I know and easy to say with hindsight) but just because you initially accepted something to help them out DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT INDEFINATELY.. and you are allowed to call a halt, change the rules etc.. without them being outraged at you. You don't have to be agressive just reasonable, calm and firm and by the looks of it repetitive. If they won't listen. Put it in writing, kindly and without over emotionalising it and apologising too much. Best of luck.

Honeyroar · 28/05/2019 19:31

My first serious boyfriend was like him. I worked it out eventually. He immediately moved onto another girlfriend and sponged off her. I heard from him ten years later when a mutual old friend was very ill. He was "managing" her parent's smallholding where they both lived (ie, he was faffing about doing nothing and hadn't had a job in the decade since we split!). She still had her well paid job.

viques · 28/05/2019 19:34

I hope the OP has resolved this, but I have a feeling they have bamboozled her into letting him stay.

DieBabySharkDie · 28/05/2019 19:35

Please come back and update us OP!

Listlover · 28/05/2019 19:38

If this was my ds I’d be ashamed of him abusing someone’s hospitality like this.
He’s not a nice person. He’s a freeloader and the sooner your daughter realises this the better. .
Also, it’s ok to spend more on your daughter. He’s really done a number on you

VampireSlayer19 · 28/05/2019 19:41

Does he have parents?

He honestly just sounds like a cocklodger!

RomanyQueen1 · 28/05/2019 19:42

They need to move out, then dd will realise what a child he is playing with his toys, whilst she works.
You have a right to ask when he's getting a job, it's your home.
Also, they need to be paying rent and their % of the bills.

Booboo66 · 28/05/2019 19:48

To those saying he can claim universal credit or job seekers, because he is in a relationship it would be a joint claim with OP’s DD. By the sounds of it she is earning a reasonable wage and with no child element and no housing element involved because they have no rent to pay, it would almost certainly take the award to zero and they would not be entitled to anything

Nettleskeins · 28/05/2019 19:50

Could you rent out the loft for six months to a respectable student - music students are often good...(they practice elsewhere) and keep the money for your dd?

It sounds as if he is a bit rudderless at the moment and in a way you are just a way of him deflecting his concerns onto your supposed nagginess rather than his own future. It is going to be quite hard to stand firm, because they will say you are being just mean. But it is an important principle that he sorts his own life out and doesn't blame you.

It may work out; they may stay together but it is more likely if they move out than if they stay with you, because in the end, however much she defends him, she is worried about him too. No-one wants a depressed gamer as a partner for long.

Soozikinzi · 28/05/2019 19:54

If she's going abroad he should go with her and find a job there . Enough is enough.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 28/05/2019 19:55

You say they aren't well matched - did you think that before? Why?

Two years together is quick to be making the commitment to buy a house together. It will be much harder to split up after buying together. Also if similar happens in future she will need to pay the mortgage herself.

Her going away for four months is a great reason to get him to move out by then, and an opportunity for her to evaluate the relationship from afar. If she does decide to stay with him and buy together after that, she is making a more considered decision.

As difficult as it is to raise it, I'd definitely get him to move out by the time she is away.

Tiredand · 28/05/2019 20:00

Switch of your Broadband during the day and after 10pm (with password to stop him turning it on)

Palaver1 · 28/05/2019 20:07

Only if they move out will.the right decision be made.

Stiffasaboard · 28/05/2019 20:07

Have you said anything OP?

Pantsomime · 28/05/2019 20:21

OP don’t fret just blurt it out- I need you to move out it’s not working, I need my house back, my boys need their space to grow up. I need you to leave by x. Sorry it’s come out like this but having a grown man in my space all day doing nothing, costing me money and making extra work for me is not fair, too much and is making me ill in my own home.
It’s your house and your needs font forget- go it next time you bump into him

maureen17 · 28/05/2019 20:25

maybe there's a reason to why he left his job and not been applying for other jobs
... you say that you really like him and obviously your daughter does... just maybe there has been a mental pressure somewhere and by gaming he is able to forget this .. your daughter perhaps needs to ask him.

QueenBeex · 28/05/2019 20:32

OP don't feel like you have to sit down and talk to him about this today just because everyone wants you to. Do it when you're ready and comfortable with doing so.

impossible · 28/05/2019 20:34

No way! Don't let him stay four months without dd. Are you supposed to be feeding him too? If he's already complaining about you complaining it's definitely not going to work.

Ask him for rent. At 27 he should be able to claim housing benefit and you can earn up to £7,500 tax free on rent a room scheme. You don't have to keep the money if you don't want to but you could at least squirrel it away for your dd or other dcs.

Whatever you do though you must talk to them both. It's worth addressing now before the problem becomes worse

di2004 · 28/05/2019 20:47

You can’t dress it up anymore than it is .. he needs to stop gaming, get off his backside and find a job .. and also needs to find somewhere else to stay while your daughter is abroad. See who else would put up with it!

PolarBearkshire · 28/05/2019 20:49

Let them move out. Stop booting the bill for the bum. And let your dd see how hard is to really to survive when one partner decides not to pull their weight in this life.

chocatoo · 28/05/2019 20:54

I think it would be a bit weird having him there without your DD - I would say so to your DD and suggest that he goes to stay with his own parents whilst she is away.
I also think it seems a bit unfair on your other children that you have taken him quite so much into the fold. My parents spend a bit less on my DH at Christmas, etc. and MIL does same to me - we are all comfortable with that. However, perhaps that's a debate to be had another time!

chocatoo · 28/05/2019 20:55

Oh and yes, I agree - turn the internet off when you go to bed!

GabsAlot · 28/05/2019 20:59

So they both dont pay rent your subbing everything so they can save and he cant be bothered to even get a job

Stop being a mug theyre taking the right piss out of you

redspider1 · 28/05/2019 21:05

What is his excuse for not working? Is he trying? If he is, fair enough but if not, he needs to move out.

redspider1 · 28/05/2019 21:06

I need you to move out it’s not working, I need my house back, my boys need their space to grow up. I need you to leave by x. Sorry it’s come out like this but having a grown man in my space all day doing nothing, costing me money and making extra work for me is not fair,

This. Write it in a letter for them if easier.

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