Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

[Feelingwalkedover]

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

Perhaps the OP has turned the wifi off and that's why she's not been back.

If you let this continue you are modelling to your daughter that she should allow herself to be sponged off for the rest of her life. You are setting her up to continue with an unhealthy relationship. His behaviour is not right. If he won't change now it would be better if it ended now rather than down the line when there are kids too.

I hate to say it but it’s partly your fault for being too kind.
Letting them live rent free is extremely generous and there’s no incentive for him to get off his ass and find a job, why would he ? Sounds like he’s living the life of Reilly

You need to sit them both down and set a deadline for him to find work and start paying some kind of rent or they’ll have to go.

My other half packed in a job and ended up living off me for 6 weeks. Didn't last long, I got sick of feeling like he was taking advantage of me, he's moved out into his own space and he's working full time. (We don't have any kids together and he just ended up staying with me in the house I pay for).
People that take the piss, will take the piss as long as they can get away with it for. They rely on you to be too soft/too nice/too embarrassed/too awkward to give them a kick up the bottom about it, and when you do they move on to the next nice person and do it to them too.
Sorry OP, lots of red flags here. Hope your DD realises he's not worth it, or that he cleans up his act soon.

Feelingwalkedover

So on page 2 of the thread, you were going to take action. Page 6 & I see no sign.... please see that your weakness is putting your dd’s future at risk? You still have parental responsibility, and if their relationship is good, the let it flourish in the real world, not subsidised & protected by you. She has a good job (fantastic!) and is going abroad presumably for that job, so she’s going places! How do you think that relationship will be when she returns? Her experiences may well change her outlook. THAT’s what you need to encourage and support.

Really?

He's 27! He's not a child. He's a lazy fully grown man who is relying on his girlfriend's family to feed and house him while he sits on his arse gaming all day. Who is cheeky enough to moan to his girlfriend that he feels he's being 'got at' because her parents want him to get a fucking job!

Did I miss the part that explained why he isn’t working at his job anymore? Did he quit or get sacked?

That's a difficult situation. First of all, he's not very lovely. He is wasting time and living off you and your daughter. He is an adult.
Tell him and her and let them move out.
It may be that in time she will see he is a bit useless. One could hope so.

Why did he leave his job in the first place especially with nit having another one. He needs to grow up and your DD needs to open her eyes to the kind of person she is having a relationship with. With no job , has DD considered what the situation will be when they do apply for a mortgage. You are aiding his laziness and his very selfish attitude towards you all.

Have you spoken to them op? I hope your dd gets rid of him. I really don’t understand why you treated him as a family member when you'd identified that they were a poor match.

Turn off the wifi so he can't play the Xbox . Start giving him tasks to do since he is at home during the day.

I think one of the suggestions above is a very good one. Turn off the WiFi (change the password?) during the day. He is not a child. If he’s not working, he should be pulling his weight some other way. Freeloader.

OP
With the greatest respect to you, you are not being a great role model to your daughter or son's in this instance.

He is not lovely.
He's a waster.
He's taking the piss.
And you're letting him.
Your daughter is 23 now.
You can't force her to do anything.
What you can do is let her see a real woman in action.
Someone who doesn't take any shit.
Won't be taken advantage of.
Won't be made a fool of...
especially IN HER OWN HOUSE.

It would be a timely lesson for her that she may need to reflect on in the future.

Get him out.
She can go too if that's what she wants.

Now that would be a good message for your son's.

Best of luck.

Hope you’re ok OP. So when are you going to tell your daughter & her 27 year old boyfriend that he/they need to live out? If you put it down in writing here, it’ll give you some accountability!

Really bad situation for your daughter and you! She obviously loves him but he’s become a person who’s happy to look into himself and take advantage of everyone. She’s going to have to let him go but it’s going to be hard for her.. think at this point you need to be there for her- being kind/supportive, she’s not stupid she knows this is a bad situation... this isn’t a situation which can go on and your daughter knows it.... just give her total support and give her opportunity to talk knowing that you’re not being judgmental- believe me she’s had enough!

Mother of God. Set your children an example of what being an adult is. Working hard, being accountable, setting boundaries, not accepting love as an excuse for bollocky behaviour.
Your dd going away for months gives the perfect time for him to find somewhere else.
Subsidising two adults must be costly, tell them calmly and without backing down that it is not working. Lazy little shit. Gamer schmamer.

Sometimes bubble wrap can cause a checking hazard!

Remove the bubble wrap, and let them (DD) go. Insist on it, or at least give them a time period to move out by.

A working adult is not classed as a dependant. Obvs be there for her when reality bites, and she's dumped him and comes running back (resist the urge for... I told you so).

If it were me, I’d sit them both down and matter-of-factly say, that as the situation has changed then the rules need to too. Then say exactly under what conditions you will accept them living with you without telling them what to do (he has to get a job etc) without bringing any emotions or blame into it, stick to cold, hard facts.
Your DD can then decide for herself if she wants to live separately from him, split up (this may be the get-out clause she needs) or move elsewhere with him, potentially paying for it all herself (which may open her eyes to what the future looks like if she stays with him).
If you try to tell her what to do with regard to her relationship, I doubt she’ll thank you and she may go on the defensive, same as if you try to tell him he has to go and get a job etc etc both which could lead to a big falling out between you or her going NC. Not many people like being told what to do and it often leads to them doing the opposite or they don’t believe you and will blame you if they do it your way, thinking it would have been a bed of roses had they not. Let her decide what to do herself and, as her mum, be ready to pick up the pieces if you are indeed right.

Why do you even need to ask? He contributes nothing so he has to leave. It is up to DD whether she goes with him or not. With luck she won't and in time will realise why you made a stand.

I wonder if we will get an update?

Ask your dd why she wants to be with a man that is so disrespectful to her parents.

Think DiWoo is right but suspect that daughters husband isn’t someone who would relate to such a reasonable solving of situation, good luck!

If he's sitting indoors all day (and night) gaming then he may have a mental health issue as it sounds as if he's depressed. I would talk to them from this angle. Say you are concerned from a health point of view (rather than the fact he's not got a job and you're supporting him), ask if there's anything you can do to help, ask if he's been to see the doctor to discuss how he feels. If he says there's not an issue then I would point out that it's not normal to sit indoors gaming all the time, that this is obsessive behaviour and that you are not happy with the example he is setting your two sons. And if he still insists there's no problem then say, maybe not for you but there is for me because I'm supporting you financially and don't see any evidence of you trying to get work … so basically you are taking me for a ride.

They absolutely have to move out. Dont feel guilty that your dd will be wasting money on rent, she needs to waste money to realise he is a leech. Please kick them out asap.

If he is depressed, staying indoors and doesn't get out much except at night when she is back from work, he may need Vitamin D supplements...just in case you haven't considered this is why he is being so lethargic and hopeless...quite common nowadays for sleep disordered people to get very little sunlight when it gets them the necessary Vitamin D..At this time of year, a whole winter's worth of deficiency may be catching up with him. Vicious circle, when gaming stimulates and is the only thing that feels real. But keeps you indoors all day.

Or could you give him some sort of job in your house...he has to get up, do chores walk the dog run errands organise something for you, to get him up in the morning? Often can remind someone it is much more fun to be "independently" employed.