To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

Try but be aware it may or may not happen - it's harder post 40. And you will be a lot more tired of course.

Ps also be aware everyone you meet for the first time will assume it's a remarriage situation!

I'm a third child. My mom was 41 when she had me and my siblings were 16 and 12. Growing up I don't recall it being that hard for my parents. Well they usually say that I've kept them young and more active. Could be that they are liars and it was horrible 😄. I'm close with my siblings and nephews. My brother is my best friend.

I had my third child at 41 so I'm not questioning the idea of having a child at that age. BUT my children were 8 and 3 at the time so they were closer in age. I'm told teens are often horrified at their parents having kids (apparently it means their parents are sexually active which is beyond contemplation ). Not that I'd let my kids decide a thing like this for me but they might not be as thrilled as you're assuming. How would a baby change the dynamic of your family, things you do together, holidays, collecting teens from discos or parties late at night when you'll be up to do a feed (or ten) during the night?

I had all my kids relatively old so I know no different and noticed no significant difference between being pregnant/having a baby at 33, 38 and 41. BUT I've a friend who had one at 20 and one at 33 and said she found it significantly tougher and more tiring in her 30s. I'm guessing the same might be true of having yours in your 20s and then another in your 40s?

Can you borrow your sister or SIL's baby for a day (obviously for the purpose of giving them a day off ) and see how you feel after a full day of baby "stuff"?

What's your health like? Have you considered the increased risks of abnormalities? Have you considered whether you'd continue with a pregnancy in those circumstances? If you would have you considered the impact on your lives? Tough questions but maybe worth considering before rather than in the midst of a situation.

There's no right or wrong answer but I don't know that I'd do it in your situation. But then again, I know what it is to really really want that third child and I have no regrets about going for it. But the circumstances were different, I got pregnant immediately and there were no abnormalities or disabilities to cope with. I might be feeling very differently if things had panned out differently.

I’m in a similar situation, I’m always on the brink of having a 3rd. I think for me the idea of starting again is exciting and romantic but then I start to remember that I won’t have the freedom I have now, I’ll be up all night again for a few years and the thing that always puts the nail in the coffin is the idea that the child might not be healthy. For some reason none of these things put me off having DS or DD but now I always seem to overthink. If I were you I’d just make sure that the idea of having a third is not a romantic snippet of how life will be but really realistic long term reality. If none of this puts you off then go for it

Honestly from someone that had a huge gap, you feel like you're never out of the being a parent to a school age child. I love my youngest dearly, he was a surprise at nearly 40. But would I have planned one if I knew what I know now? No is the answer. I'm in my 50's with chronic health problems with a teenager. I'm exhausted

I’d say go for it!
My husband was 18 and his brother 20 when his parents had their third- which was a girl.
The only thing with that big age gap was that it was like having an only child (which was still fine) and just getting used to everything again- I think they worry more about money now due to her now being 18 and doing uni etc...

I’ve just had my third (other 2 are 11 and 7) and even that is a big jump but didn’t want to regret not trying for a third.

We said that we’d try for a year and if it happens it happens - if it doesn’t we are happy with our 2 (happened 2nd month so that was good!) xx

I'm 10 years younger than the youngest of my sibling and all my cousin were of a similar age to my siblings or older.
I had a very lonely childhood particularly as I saw my siblings and cousin playing together and spending time together and I couldn't join in.

Obviously not saying that you shouldn't have another one, just that you should keep in mind that if they have no sibling or cousins of a similar age organising play dates and social activities for them is much more important.

6 year gap and I conceived at 42.7 very easily.

Sorry just realised I didn't read the op properly and you said that they'd have cousins of a similar age so my post is a bit irrelevant

Just re read some of the messages and the only thing is the Health of the baby - that was a big factor too- as we had (now have) 3 healthy boys and if there was something wrong it may have impacted more x

I definitely couldn't start again with such a big age gap. Because your older two are so close in age you take for granted just how much entertaining you have to do with a young child, as your two would have played to gather.

I have a bigger age gap, my eldest is 4 and it's relentless with the boring pretend play games, I also have a baby and am honestly counting down the year or so until they will be old enough to play and entertain each other. Having cousins is not the same as they're not going to be there all the time.

You are also likely to find the pregnancy much more exhausting than you remember.

I also think that because you had your first two when you were pretty young you would have missed out on the freedom a lot of people had in their twenties, but if you hang in there you're not far off getting that back in your late 40s when you're still young enough to enjoy it. If you have a baby now you won't be free until you're in your 60s.

Thanks. I have my nephew many days to help my sister so I am back in the zone of feedling naps etc and I must say I am really enjoying it! And he is a full on toddler . We all love him to bits! Maybe thats what got me in the mood again!!

PS My health is good no problems there . I know what you mean about nbeing more tired this time round. My best friend's olde r2 ar ethe same age as mine and she had a 3rd we girl who is now 3 and she said it was harder and more tiring but she would never have changed it and her family all adore the wee one. I do remember the preganancy days but I think knowing this was the last time and knowing it doesn't last forevcer I could cope ok. And i'd have my daughter to help who is a good help generally x

I did. Dd3 Is 11 and older ones are 24 and 21. However. I am 51 with a child just off to secondary school. In many ways lovely but hols still fit around school, house around school catchments.

theres a 14 year age gap between me and my half sister (i'm not a parent myself yet although hopefully soon to be) and i think you should bare in mind that your kids could move out in the next 4-6 years so your third child might not see their siblings particularly much once they have primary school if not sooner so they may feel like an only child after a while.

I have two teens 17 and 15 plus a 2 yrs old. I'm 45 !

It was not a planned pregnancy took us both by surprise, and I honestly wasn't sure what to do at the time. However here we are !I have a perfectly healthy DS , very easy pregnancy and home birth.

Youngest is lovely, oldest are great with him but have their own lives and I don't depend on them to be live in baby sitters that would be unfair. They are great at helping out whenever asked, usually while I'm trying to make dinner or use the toilet !

However and please don't shoot me down in flames, I'm just going to be brutally honest about myself.
I am finding it very hard, it has had a huge impact on my mental health . I have gone from having independent kids and a career to having a dependent child and no job. I was finishing off a Msc while pg and had to turn down Phd offer because it was going to be a full time job with much time out of the country to start with. I was devastated.

I feel like I did the whole Cbeebies and crafty stuff/soft play etc 12 yrs ago, plus all my friends kids are also now teens and we had sort of all moved on together through the stages of our kids growing up.
I have tried to join varying groups, but am probably 10-15 yrs older than the other Mums and I find this difficult. I am not UK based , it's a bit different here, we don;t get any free nursery places offered at all, so it's just me and a toddler day in day out, interspersed with two lovely but sometimes quite hormonal teens who also need a bit of attention . DH works long hours with a long commute.

I have never felt so lonely in my life. I am counting down the weeks until we can be admitted in to the playgroup which I have to pay for but it means I get a whole two 1/2 days back to myself again. To go back to work I am looking at 4 figure nursery costs which would wipe out any salary. So I just have to ride it out until he starts school..

Knowing what I know now, I would never plan to have a child in my 40's . Sorry if that sounds harsh this is just how I feel.

On a more positive note, I'm trying really hard to be active and go out everyday even it is sometimes very boring for me, we do stuff have a routine and have fun. I am learning accept this is how it is, get on with it and plan for the future. Luckily I have a good sleeper and a mellow little boy !!

My mum had my sister when I was 16 she was born then a few years later another sister she was born on my 20th birthday we've just recently shared our 5th and 25th birthday together lol. And finally my mum had a son born two weeks before my first dd they are now 4. Think my mum just turned 48

It would be my absolute worst nightmare . But you sound really keen, so why not?!

Well I can't talk as I had one at 41, but I think I really didn't think about how exhausted I'd be. We are SHATTERED.

That said, kids do get easier, I'm in my mid-40s now and sleep isn't as much of a problem. But it's not easy having 2 years of sleep deprivation in your 40s, let me tell you.

But I will say it definitely keeps you young. I really feel like our lives are only just beginning in a lot of ways. There's so much to look forward to. And money isn't really that problematic anymore.

I also looked after elderly parents and now that isn't an issue anymore, it does help that Im not pulled from pillar to post. I don't think I could have done it whilst caring for them. But now it's fine.

If they have cousins close in age, then they probably won't feel too isolated with older siblings. I say go for it.

I think you need to think about your children in this. How will it impact them. For me, I know a third child is not right for my children for lots of reasons, their lives would be adversely affected, so as much I may feel broody their needs do trump mine in this situation (tbh there are other reasons that helps when weighing things up). That's not to say all families are like this, but try to think about the pros and cons for your children, as well as you.

Go for it! Your OH is keen, your kids are keen, you have family to help, cousins to share the experience with, your are financially stable and of course, you know you want it. Can't see any reasons not to try. In all likely hood it will happen, if it doesn't at least you will have tried.

i'm going to get flamed but... a 10 year old with a 51 yo mum, could be awkward for the child if his friends / people thought you were his gran.

If you have a 3rd I say you need to have the 4th too

My dd was born when I was 42. I had an easy and uneventful pregnancy and delivery. There is a 10 and 11 year age gap between her elder siblings. They were not thrilled to be getting a new baby sister but it has all worked out in the end.

fecketyfeck most 51 year olds don't actually look like they're in Last of The Summer Wine, you know.