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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

302 replies

mumontherun14 · 27/05/2019 15:13

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

OP posts:
CitadelsofScience · 27/05/2019 18:02

MenstruatorExtrordinaire

Those against seem not to like children very much. If you love and enjoy every stage of a child growing up then go for it

That really is utter nonsense. We're merely pointing out the cons. You say you're 50 with a 7yr old, do you have other children?

yma123 · 27/05/2019 18:04

I'm the oldest of three, my parents had their third when I was 16 and my brother was 13. My mum was 41 when she had my youngest brother. She had c sections with all of us also but no complications, and has still been able to run around with my little brother and do everything she wants to with him. She's probably been able to do more with him than she did with me and my other brother as she can afford to work part time now and is able to spend more time with him than she could when I was younger. We all absolutely adore him and couldn't imagine the family without him now!

Mumma111 · 27/05/2019 18:06

I'm 40. My eldest child is 21 & my youngest is 1
(4 children total) and it's the best. No regrets

Malteserdiet · 27/05/2019 18:06

My parents had 3 children when they were first married and young - I was the oldest. Then when I was 17 and then 20 they had my 2nd DSis and DBro. As far as I am aware from my older siblings, we all found it very exciting and loved the experience. Over the years it has also had many benefits;

  1. We quickly learnt that despite their cuteness, babies and toddlers were hard work and in a way this gave us excellent sex education and none of us had our own DC until we knew we were ready for the responsibility.
  2. When I did have my own DC, my younger brother and sister became excellent playmates for them. As they got a bit older they were also excellent helpers for babysitting and often came to stay with me during school holidays, which my DC loved.
  3. Now my younger siblings are young adults, they often come to see us and I enjoy occasionally being able to help them out with a tank of petrol or taking them out for a meal while they are poor students! I couldn’t do this for the siblings closer in age as I was a poor student like them too!
  4. My little brother is really helpful at helping with my technology quandaries Grin

Just thought it might be nice to give an insight into the possible experience of your older DC.

Good luck

SilverySurfer · 27/05/2019 18:13

Could it be you're looking ahead and seeing an empty nest which having another child would defer?

bumbleybumble · 27/05/2019 18:17

It's worth thinking about how you'll manage if the baby is disabled, or if you have twins or even if you just have an unsettled and clingy baby.

My eldest three were 11, 13 and 14 when our youngest came along. They were all easy, placid babies so I assumed our youngest would be the same.

He was the polar opposite. He needed held all the time, it felt like he just screamed all the time and even now he's a terrible sleeper.

He's now just turned 4 and he's being assessed for asd. We're only just starting to get back on an even keel.

For the the first 3 years my eldest 3 had no family holidays, no friends over and not nearly enough attention. I feel like I've missed out on their teenage years.

I have a brilliant family that have helped loads and I love my youngest to bits but if I'd known 5 years ago what I know now I'd still only have 3 kids.

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 27/05/2019 18:21

Yes I have a 17 year old and a 14 year old as I said earlier. I'm just balancing out the negativity on here. I love my children at every stage of their lives and we have such a happy family life.

kenandbarbie · 27/05/2019 18:22

My mum was 43 when I was born and my ds 15 and dbro 17. It was a great childhood kept dp young and dsibs closer to home!

1Wanda1 · 27/05/2019 18:23

I've had my third this year aged 43. First 2 are 17 and 15. So far it's been wonderful. The older 2 love the baby and really enjoy spending time with her. I never ask them to babysit or change nappies or anything like that.

Obviously for the baby, childhood will be more like being an only child, because of the age difference. I'm OK with that, as there is no guarantee that siblings will be close anyway.

I had IVF to get pregnant this time. Friends of mine who are my age and also trying for a third naturally haven't succeeded so far.

Sexnotgender · 27/05/2019 18:24

I’m 37 and have a 15 year old daughter and a 4 month old son. Go for it!

newjobnerves · 27/05/2019 18:26

@MenstruatorExtraordinaire so do we? Why would you assume we don't love children at every stage of their lives because we don't think it's a good idea? As I say for me personally, it's because of the way I love my children and don't want to divide my time between children of disparate ages that has meant I have stopped, so love is the reason, not disdain. Not saying it should be that way for all families, but the OP asked for opinions and experiences and these are mine.

Mitsouko67 · 27/05/2019 18:28

I say go for it! I had a late baby at 41. Age gap was smaller. He did have some health issues. We were lucky, he's fine now and a joy. He spends a lot of time with his cousin.
He is very close to his brother 16 and will miss him a lot as his life moves on.I'm 52 ,dad is 58 and he's 10 but it's not an issue.

For all intents and purposes any child you have now will almost be like an only child iykwim. That new little cousin likely to be an important connection.

Good luck. Do think through /research health issues. Age a factor.

Pgqio · 27/05/2019 18:29

My mum was 41 with me. Sister was 20 and brother 13. It was a boring, lonely, isolated childhood. I think my mum was terrified of being just with my dad and wanted a little pet to take everywhere with her. I hated it.

Shelbybear · 27/05/2019 18:31

I'd enjoy the time with your nephew and handing him back! I couldn't think of starting all over again with a baby with kids that age and at your age. I'm early 30's with a toddler. Think it wld kill me running round after her in my 40's.

It sounds like you are pretty set on the idea though and you dh is keen so it's really up to you. You've been reminded what it would be like from having your nephew but then throw in sleepless nights etc. Good luck with it all if you decide to go ahead.

TapasForTwo · 27/05/2019 18:35

Why?
Why would you want to go back to nappies, sleepless nights, cluster feeding, weaning etc? Your older children are becoming independent, and you want to tie yourself down again. What about the increased risk of abnormalities or other extra needs?
Why?

“And I'd have my daughter to help who is a good help generally x”

Don’t assume. By the time you might want her to babysit she might want to go out with her friends and resent you for it.

“so I was thinking this would be something positive for them and would bring us all together”

You were thinking. What do your children think? If you have another will this be the end, or will you want another? Are you one of these people who have to feel needed all the time?

Tremar · 27/05/2019 18:37

My parents had my younger sibling with a 15 year age gap, when they were 39/40. And my mum has told me it was the worst thing she's ever done. She brought up me and my other sibling in her early 20s pretty much alone, and said it was a breeze compared to having 1 at 40. dsis has basically been an only child growing up, has caused huge amounts of stress and upset for my parents, at school and at home, and the teenage years have been hell for all of us. We all love her to bits, but my god, she's been difficult. Me and my similar aged sibling were always good kids, did well at school, etc but youngest sib has been so so different, and I don't think my parents ever could have imagined going through what she's put them through, now in mid 50s and dealing with the police knocking on the door, and endless dramas and issues at school. They're exhausted and truly fed up, and they should be looking forward to retirement. Instead mum has been doing the school run for the past 25 years, and has felt really isolated as all her friends she had kids with in her 20's just can't relate. Me and other sibling are grown up and moved out years (decades!) ago, so really they should be enjoying their time as grandparents, who can give the babies back, go home and relax, but instead they're dealing with teenage dramas, and constant issues. They can't even go on holiday as she will refuse to go with them, as understandably it's boring being an only teen on holiday with your parents, but the one time she brought a friend, they got into trouble abroad, and she can't be trusted at home alone, so they literally never get to go away. It's a nightmare really, and one I will 100% be avoiding! I know everyone will have their own experiences, but just thought I'd share our families as it's been a huge eye opener for me. I know she's particularly hard work, but I guess dealing with any child in your later years will be harder than in your 20s/30s, so when they're a difficult child, its extremely hard. I've had to support them through so much, and feel like a second mum to sib rather than a sister, and we'll never have a proper sibling relationship due to the age gap. I feel sorry for her, as she probably did feel lonely and isolated growing up as basically an only child, but also having to rush around being dragged here and there with my mum taking my and older sib to and from clubs/school/etc, but without the rewards of siblings to play with when we got home as we'd be out with mates, or doing stuff she was far too young to join in with. I used to take her out when she was a baby/toddler, but once I'd turned 18, was working, partying, in relationships etc, we rarely saw eachother, then I moved out, and she was left effectively as an only child, with exhausted parents who didn't really have the energy for a pretty "full on" child. I'm sure it can turn out wonderfully too, but there's going to be upsides and downsides of it, and for my parents, if they could turn back time, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have chose to have another baby when they did.

mumontherun14 · 27/05/2019 18:37

Thanks for all the comments. More to think about. There's a good chance it may not even be possible anyway but good to hear some positive stories anyway and I do think about all the other potential issues - hence the deliberations and indecision! xxx

OP posts:
yellowellies · 27/05/2019 18:42

My older 2 were 11 and 9 when DS3 was born. As lovely as he is, the older ones are at Uni now but we are still tied to babysitters to go out, school holiday holidays, and school runs etc when the parents of our older children’s friends are enjoying their freedom!

mumontherun14 · 27/05/2019 18:42

I dont think I am a person that always has to be needed but I do enjoy taking care of people. I've looked after my older 2, my mum, my nephew -its just something I really enjoy, my house always has someone in. I do think I would love looking after a baby again but mindful of my older 2. We have spoken to them in a roundabout way (not as regaring us incase it couldn't happen but talking about "friends" in similar situation and they both said in a simlilar way "i think you and mum should have another baby - I'd like to be a big brother/sister"., Again, I know the reality for them would probably be different....

OP posts:
KinderSurpriseBump · 27/05/2019 18:44

If you feel that your family is not complete yet, go for it. I'll turn 43 a couple of months before I'm due. This pregnancy was a bit of a surprise but now we're happy that we'll have a new member this Christmas Grin

mumontherun14 · 27/05/2019 18:45

We've always been lucky with MIL nearby who is just 60 and she takes the kids for us so we do have freedom when we want it for nights out /weekends away etc. I do always enjoy that but I also love family life so again the freedom is no huge dealbreaker for me. I know MIL would absolutely love a wee baby too in the family and would enjoy helping (not that I'd expect her too) x

OP posts:
Tremar · 27/05/2019 18:51

One positive I thought of though.... As a teen, suddenly having a baby in the house, it reallllllly put me off wanting a baby! I was so paranoid about accidental pregnancy, I was really good with making sure to avoid it, until I was 100% ready and in my 30's. My now 15 year old sib has openly admitting to actively trying to get pregnant, which will be another fantastic event in a long line of fuck ups, for my parents to deal with I'm sure!

ineedaholidaynow · 27/05/2019 18:55

OP why did you say earlier on in your post that DD could help with the baby, but didn’t say anything about your DS?

I wouldn’t do it. I have a friend who had a third child when her older 2 were about 10 and 12. She then had another 2 years later. The 2 older ones have to share bedrooms with toddlers, which I can’t imagine is much fun for teens. My friend’s life now revolves round the little ones and she doesn’t seem to have any time for the older ones. I know they are getting more independent but we still do lots with DS who is the same age as her oldest boy.

Have you thought about SN? More likely with older parents. What the impact would be for you and your other DC

FreezerBird · 27/05/2019 19:01

I'm the baby in your scenario OP. My parents were 45 and 46 when I was born, and my siblings (five of them) were aged between 11 and 16.

My mum always speaks very positively about the experience (I was something of a surprise) - that it was lovely to have a relatively uncomplicated toddler around when the others were being difficult teens etc.

As a child I probably had advantages - much more individual attention than the others would have got (she had five under five at one point so it was crowd control as much as parenting). My dad took early retirement when I was about five so he was around a lot more.

I don't know much what my siblings thought of it all. I'm close to my sisters (16 and 15 years older than me); less so to my brothers. I have no memory of living with the three eldest.

My eldest sister says seeing my mum go through an exhausting pregnancy at 45 is part of the reason she has chosen not to have children.

The other five are very much a unit which I am not a part of.

What I have found the most difficult in recent years is that the years of my dad's declining health and subsequent death, and my mum's current failing health and memory loss have coincided with my years of having young children and I have felt totally unable to support my parents in the way my siblings are able to. Rationally, everyone understands the situation but I do wonder if the others resent it that I'm not able to offer much help.

ThanksItHasPockets · 27/05/2019 19:02

‘Balancing out the negativity’ by telling the posters who are expressing valid and thoughtful reservations (including some who have been laudably honest about their own families) that they just don’t ‘like children very much.’ Hmm