To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

And we have all had a bit of a tough time so thought some nice news would be good for all the family
What an odd reason for having a baby, nice news would be a holiday not a human being!!
Do you think you'll be bounding along to footie games, horses when you've been up all night? The older two will inevitably have to step back for the little one, the thought of a 16 yr old at 58 is awful.

41 pregnant with surprise number 4. Due imminently. I'd get a puppy and enjoy your freedom..

Personally I wouldn't. I think I might have responded already but this thread came back up and I'll say it again! I wouldn't.
And what a PP just said about 'a nice surprise' being a terrible reason to have a baby; absolutely!

I had my first child aged 38, and am pregnant with my second aged 41. However if I had had children at a younger age like you had, I wouldn't want to be going through it again. I would have thought having kids younger meant you could move on with your life in middle age to do other less child-centric activities, just as having kids later means that one spent the child-free years enjoying life before parental responsibilities. Seems crazy to me to spend your whole adult life parenting.

Also in terms of your relationship with your other children, I really enjoyed having an adult relationship with my parents once I was in my twenties - going on city breaks, out for evening meals, the theatre etc. You won't be able to do that with your older kids as you will always have to be doing things suitable for the younger child.

Lol I must say it has terrified me as well. I've got a an appt with the doctor on Monday so am going to discuss with her. My coil has to come out anyway (which has really been what's triggered this huge will we/won't we..) and then I was thinking I may go on the pill for a few months to see if the urge passes over as it did a few years ago.

I spoke to my best friend yesterday as well and she was torn as well. She had her 3rd with 8 year gap between her and her youngest and she says she was much more tired and felt her older 2 were a but neglected but now couldn't imagine life without the wee one. She says she is the best thing that happened to them all. It's made her older 2 more caring and they have great family times in amongst the squabbles lol. She said she'd be delighted if we did but advised me to think carefully as most of the childcare would be on me as we don't have the same support network we had the first times with my parents being older and unwell and I would lost the freedom I currently have which she feels envious of at times.

I work as a project manager for government. As secure as it can be I suppose with good maternity and the option to work flexible and reduced hours.

For childcare I could get a local childminder I know many of them as been living here for years. I know the costs and I would work 4 days with 3 days with childminder and my sister and I would do a day for each other. I can work at home and don't start till 10am so have a good bit of flexibility.

I am definetly not decided in anyway and have actually been veering against it after this thread lol. It may just be an urge that will pass. I am very happy with my own family and my teens do need support and attention I do understand that - I was up at the school yesterday for my son so I currently give them both a lot of support and I know it would be a big change for them. Also the financial worry again - we are starting to be much more financially secure but thats after years of juggling and I a not sure if I really want to go back to that or instead spend quality time/holidays/trips etc with my DH and DC as we are and spend time with the wee ones in the extended family xxxx

@mumontherun14 it might be worth keeping a diary, monitor how you feel daily and see if your monthly hormones are triggering bouts of broodiness, I know this used to be the case for me. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Whatever the rights and wrongs personally just cannot understand the urge to “go back”. Don’t you want to lead your own life and follow your own interests rather than signing up to another 16 years of caring? Felt abit sorry for Gordon and tana Ramsay having a baby while their others late teens for me it signals something lacking in the parents - that they have nothing else going on in their lives and without the parenting roles they are adrift. It’s abit sad.

"For me it signals something lacking in the parents' ... birth control?

My Dh has been a bit like this lately- similar age - and despite my health problems going on about another DC even though we have DCs already (14 and 10).

He even has been going on to the DC about it and how fun it would be etc, and Dc started saying, aw, but mum, a baaaby, mum a little child, how lovely it would be!

I reminded them about tantrums / nappies and crying etc and they then changed their tune and said, maybe not, make a pet instead?

It's an empty nest thing, perhaps.

OP you can get a new coil at the same time as the last I think. In case that is influencing your decision.

I know I know - it's irrational....especially as it's always me who's been dead against it. I am surprised myself I am even considering it. I think it might be a hormonal thing. And I now have the fear of God about the health risks. I think it might be reaction to everything that's happened with my mum - she was my focus for such a long time that I maybe feel a bit lost now she is in the care home. But I was saying to DH last night we could do some things we've always wanted to do like visit Rome on our own or go to America with the kids. I might be better with another wee rescue dog lol x

There are some women who never truly feel ‘done’ with having children. You already have a lot to think about but do consider what will happen if baby number three doesn’t scratch this itch. Will you keep going?

after years of juggling and I a not sure if I really want to go back to that or instead spend quality time/holidays/trips etc with my DH and DC as we are and spend time with the wee ones in the extended family

Maybe that sound like a plan! Does it feel a bit empty like everyone is moving on and leaving? As that is how my Dh feels. He keeps saying it 'might be our last chance'. Even though we have two already.

I helped DH to think of things we can do now like going skiing which wouldn't be as easy with a baby. Or affordable. Maybe think of things / plans you would like to do, too. It did help him (a bit) but he is still broody! (sigh)

Visiting Rome and the US and getting a rescue dog sounds a million times more exciting and reasonable than having a baby in your situation.

Sounds like you enjoy caring for others. Maybe volunteering (doing some respite care for the poor parents of severely mentally and physically disabled children on here ) would help to 'scratch your itch.' Your DH can join you!

lol good idea 😂. I was actually thinking of volunteering at the dementia cafe I used to take mum too. maybe something for the future xxx

Last fling of the ovary? Maybe your body senses the time is nearly up!

I think I now know why so many families with teens get puppies! Travel, have fun, enjoy your freedom! You've done the baby stage, move on.......

I'm not in quite the same situation as I'm 41 and my youngest is 4, plus our DD is about to start secondary school.

Regarding hobbies etc, I used to take DD for swimming lessons, DS had to come with us. Super easy when he was under 16mo or so, as he was containable. But once he got older, he wanted to play, run around, be occupied. I couldn't actually watch DD swim as I was using all my energy containing DS for 30 mins. You may have a super placid child (like my DD) who would sit for hours entertaining herself, or you get a child more like my DS. If so, you are going to find it difficult watching your DS play football or watching your DD ride with a toddler in tow. Yes, there are car seats and buggies or slings, perfect for transporting little babies, unfortunately some toddlers do not enjoy being strapped in a buggy parked up watching a sibling do a hobby. Of course there are lots of ways to entertain a toddler but these are usually incompatible with you being able to properly watch the hobby. Luckily DD wanted to stop swimming when she got her 100m badge so I no longer had to take a toddler to watch swimming lessons!

Do you pay for DD's horse? Going forward you need to think about how childcare costs might impact on existing hobby costs. Are your current DC used to more financial freedom to do hobbies or school trips, might this be limited by a new baby?

What DH and I have noticed is that only one of us does things with DD (e.g. goes to the cinema, sees a show etc). We don't have any family support so one of us is with DS and one with DD. Obviously not exclusively, there are lots of things we do together, but there are some things that our 4yo isn't a good match for, this also includes evening school things that DD is performing in.

I would have a really good think about how a walking/running bored toddler fits into these things, rather than a cute baby who's happy in a pram.

she was my focus for such a long time that I maybe feel a bit lost now

I think this is common in people who have cared for elderly parents.

Not the same but when my DS started school in Sept I felt really lost for most of the Autumn term and considered another baby. DH refused and I have refocused and am looking forward to enjoying similar things to you like more travel and a dog . I am 41 too although my kids are younger and a lot of the things which made me feel anxious about a third (had DH agreed) are things which have been raised on here. I feel I have been successfully put off the idea now

@mumontherun14…… did you ever go on and have your third?

I am in a similar situation and just can’t let go of a last child (I am 40 next year)

Just wondered how it ended?

@Hopeful199 no l never did! The urge definitely passed. We Got a Labrador pup and I am now a proud auntie to a 3 and 6 month old who live nearby and keep me busy along with my teens & their busy schedules ! My son is going to America next year after school on a sports scholarship and we are likely to be travelling and visiting him too and I still look after my elderly dad so I don’t think about it so much any more or have any huge regrets xxx

@museumum

I was a “late” child and so was one of my best friends. We both grew up as only children in childhood (siblings away at uni). Neither of us liked it much 🙁 Sorry. Sure it works for some families but I never managed to bond with my siblings at all and we see each other Xmas and our parents birthdays only and my friend ended up treated as “the baby” still now in her 40s which causes grief with her siblings.

things is though, are you arguing that you and your friend would rather not exist??

All very well pointing out downsides. Maybe having baby #3 earlier is better, but that’s not an option here.
The question is whether to have a third baby at all. Sure life may not be perfect but are you glad your parents had you??

[quote mumontherun14]@Hopeful199 no l never did! The urge definitely passed. We Got a Labrador pup and I am now a proud auntie to a 3 and 6 month old who live nearby and keep me busy along with my teens & their busy schedules ! My son is going to America next year after school on a sports scholarship and we are likely to be travelling and visiting him too and I still look after my elderly dad so I don’t think about it so much any more or have any huge regrets xxx[/quote]
oops I missed this was an old thread.
Great update OP!