To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

39 here, just found out I am pregnant. I have kids, DP has kids, it just felt the right thing for us to do. We would have spent the rest of our years wondering "what if". Sure it will be hard, but it's always hard and we'll get through it because the rewards are bigger than the sacrifice.

Minority opinion here.
Yes, life is special and relationships in families can be great, and time flies. But there will have to come a time when you stop having children. (unless you foster, which can be very rewarding)
There are far too many humans on this planet, and we are going to struggle with resources and food provision. If we all have 3 DCs, who all have 3 DCs and so on.....it's not just about if you can afford it, it's can the planet afford it?
We all need to take responsibility for this!

Just to qualify what I'm saying, my mum was my grandmother's carer when I was teen, it was a very difficult and upsetting time. The thought of my mum having a baby at that time makes my blood run cold, I remember how stretched she was trying to give us all the attention we needed, a baby would suck the attention, and the ones who would have to do without are the teens. Mum has got to be cared for, baby has got to be cared for, housework and work still needs to happen, could you really give the teens all the attention they need in an already confusing time for so many reasons?

My mum had the 4 of us later in life in her late 30's/40's with no problems -she even had twins!

Be aware that there is a higher chance of twins later in life ... so maybe prepare for the possibility of two rather than one

Lol a band aid baby! My children are fine thanks - we are all going on a family holiday shortly and they get lots of one on one time. My son plays for a football team and we go to watch all his games and my daughter has a horse and one of us is with her at the stables most days. They are well supported at school and are both doing well at school with good friends and no problems. They are both kids who are lovely with younger children, their cousins and neighbours so I was thinking they would enjoy the company of a little one -that's all I was meaning! And we have all had a bit of a tough time so thought some nice news would be good for all the family - start of a new chapter for us maybe. I am no stranger to early mornings or long nights believe me and often have my nephew and my kids are used to him running around the place x

Also there will be a BIG difference in your energy levels now at 42 compared with when you last gave birth at 29.

You seem to be looking at a new baby as some sort of toy/ accessory for your older children.

In 2-3 years they will be in the middle of GCSEs and then As.
A toddler running around might create mayhem and your own energy will be spread thinly.

How are you going to cope with teens, a new baby and a mum with dementia? Seems mad to me.

There's a small age gap between me and DSis1 and a big one (10 years) with DSis2 - we are all really close. My DM was late thirties; she did have, and was hospitalised briefly with, PND a few months after unfortunately. Things to think about:

Increased chance of genetic disorders and (I think parental age has been shown as a risk) autism - would you have all checks; what would you do if there were additional needs?
Practical support from your DH with the baby and your teenagers (this is why my DM got PND I think); he can't stretch out and enjoy his middle age like other parents with more grown up children can.
Increased chance of twins as # of pregnancies increase, and when older.

I think the children will take care of themselves; I expect it would be great for your elder two to have a baby in the family.

Definitely rose tinted glasses op.

Spend a while thinking about the hard parts of parenting too, lots of it will be frustrating.

It sounds like you have made your mind up and I wish you the very best but I will just say that it can be very hard on teens to have very young siblings in the house, especially when exams strike. It is one thing to have a delightful cousin who comes to play and then toddles off home but quite another to have a non-sleeper who wakes up the whole house the night before the maths paper. If you do proceed then think carefully about how you make sure that your older two have plenty of space and privacy as the family areas revert back to the usual mix of toys and baby stuff.

But in all honesty, a baby is NOT the answer to an elderly parent in a care home.

How can it make it better?

You seem to be ignoring the emotional demands on you and living in a bit of a fantasy world.

Wouldn’t have been something I would have chosen.
Baby and oldest doing GCSEs, toddler and oldest doing a levels, middle child doing GCSEs. Menopause and preteen. Back to school runs, holidays in school holidays and toddler/child friendly. Being 60 before I could start putting my wants first again. Less money to put into retirement pot, less time for the existing children as they enter a very stressful time of their lives. Less time to spend with oh.
I think the negatives out weight the positive and think women often have this urge for one last baby before their fertility goes. I did think about a last baby in my late 30’s but I gave my hormones a stiff talking to and concentrated on the 2 I already had.

My sister's teens adored and welcomed her new baby - at first. Then when they realised that their mum was totally stuck with the baby and not anything like as flexible to be involved in their lives as she used to be, they resented it massively. It drove a huge wedge between them and their mother, and I'm afraid it's always been a bit 'us' and 'her' betwen them and their little sister as well, even now she is much older. The baby would bring very little to your teens' lives apart from being cute and would take away so much from them in terms of time, resources, attention, ability to go to fun, adventurous places or even just out for a nice meal without a screaming baby or messy toddler taking centre stage. Not to mention how much it's going to take from them if the baby is disabled (more likely when you have children in your 40s). Go for it if you want to prioritise having another baby but seriously, don't kid yourself that your children need this because it's quite the opposite.

I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister.

Have you actually discussed it with them or is this your optimistic assumption? And how much 'help' can you realistically expect to get from a 12 year old? She will be entering the difficult teenage years soon-can you cope with a hormonal teen and a newborn at the same time? Also, she may not appreciate being lined up as mother's helper. I notice you don't appear to have the same expectations from your 14 year old son.

You don't have a baby because you've had a bad time 🙄 Will you be able to carry on with all those activities in exactly the same way as you do now once you have a baby? Will you explain to them that your time will be divided further and some things will drop? I suspect you've already made up your mind, know it's not really as ideal a situation as you want it to be so seeking justification. I don't care what you do, I'm a stranger on the internet just giving an opinion so you don't need to defend yourself to me, just hopefully giving you something to think about as I know the consensus is usually to just have the baby.

You sound as if you have an awful lot of positive age-gap relationships in your family and friends, so that will influence how you see it all.

For me, I absolutely could not have another baby now. I wanted a third for a long time, and my age gap wouldn't be as big as yours between current youngest and a hypothetical baby, and I too have a flexible job, but I just couldn't. Money, time, emotional energy - there's not enough of it as there is. But for me the biggest thing would be potential health of the new baby and potential complications for me. I couldn't do that to my existing children, and that never seemed a consideration at all when they were younger. Now I see what a devastating impact that could have, and I don't want to chance it at all.

I have 4 DC, 23,15,12,4. I am 50 this year and he will be 5....I have not morphed into pop sock wearing granny. I am a fit, professional woman who looks after herself. I had a lovely maternity leave and really embraced it. With being older and him definitely being the last I made sure I enjoyed every moment. When I was younger I was in a rush to get back to work. Do what works, I didn't have an issue with energy levels, the issue was balancing the needs of all the kids. Good luck with your choice.

Ha I have actually parented 2 children already - I know its hard but I';ve enjoyed (maybe not every minute!) - but pretty much all of it and I know how precious it is.

My mum is now in a care home nearby so I am not caring for her full time . As I have 4 siblings and uncles aunties nearby we all help.

Fecketyfeck21

I’ll be 51 this year with a ten year old.
I’m not the oldest at junior school gates.

None of the teachers or other mums or children mistake us for the Gran because they’ve already known us since infant school, so they know we’re the mums not the gran.

Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared

When mine got to teens, I couldn't wait to start doing more things as a couple. Think about being 51 and how your situation might be different. 41 still felt really young bit as you approach 50 do you really still want to be at the school gates with the young mums? Good luck whatever you decide.

Also, in terms of the 'time is short' stuff and making the most of family life, I see it the opposite, I guess. My mum was diagnosed with cancer in her 50s, and we will be extremely blessed if she is still alive this time next year. All the plans for her retirement with my dad have been cut short, really quite young.

I look at that, and I know how I feel about it as her daughter - I am devastated. And I project forwards and think what if that happens to me, and my DC need to watch me die young. I'd better be able to spend the quality time with them now, before that, and with my DH, not being tied down more. I want to be free enough to spend as much time with my existing children as I can making memories.

Hello. Just for some positivity. I had my 3rd at 44. I’m now 48. Son sat GCSEs last year and passed 10. I can honestly say it has made us all better people. Wishing you all the best. As for teenagers cringing that parents are having sex I literally snorted in my tea cup - seriously get a grip.

Op you really do need to consider, if you conceived fairly quickly then you'd have a newborn with a child sitting GCSEs. That's what I had and my child suffered because of it. I couldn't be there to fully help him emotionally.

You need to re-frame how you are approaching this. You keep saying that a baby would be really good for your older two. It is you and your DH who want the baby, and you need to own this and stop justifying your decision by claiming that you’re doing it for your existing two DC. I am absolutely not criticising your decision or your motives but if you go into this having told yourself that you are doing a wonderful thing for your teens then you set yourself up for anger and resentment when it inevitably isn’t all rosy and they get pissed off at the night wakings / mess / damage to their stuff / expectation of babysitting.

I know this sounds critical; I promise it isn’t, but you have it backwards. You and your DH would like another child and you need to proceed with consideration for your DCs’ feelings, not any other way around. It’s enough to want another baby, and you don’t have to justify it as a healing gesture for the family as a whole.

All I can say is, why would you? Why start again when your existing children are well into double figures and the baby days are so far behind you? I think you’d be mad to upset your family dynamic like that, personally.

Also think about money of your older ones want to go to uni/get a car etc. It gets very expensive!!