To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

I was a “late” child and so was one of my best friends. We both grew up as only children in childhood (siblings away at uni). Neither of us liked it much 🙁
Sorry. Sure it works for some families but I never managed to bond with my siblings at all and we see each other Xmas and our parents birthdays only and my friend ended up treated as “the baby” still now in her 40s which causes grief with her siblings.

a 10 year old with a 51 yo mum, could be awkward for the child if his friends / people thought you were his gran

People have accused me of being DS's gran when I was in my 30s (they knew how old I was, they just assumed everybody had children in their teens like they did). People have assumed DM was DS's mum, and she was in her 60s. And yes, we both look our ages.

A mother in her 40s/50s is completely normal in some social circles, a grandmother in her 30s/40s is totally normal in others. Really not worth worrying about.

I was 45 and had 3 boys aged 17 23 and 26 from my first marriage, when I decided to do it all again with my second husband who is younger than me and had no children. Removed my coil and three months later was pregnant my to my surprise and joy! Pregnancy was fine and I was well looked after by the antenatal team, labour was induced on my due date and the birth went well. Only downside was the night feeds... So much harder than when you're in your 20s but I was lucky that my husband was more than happy to help. I am now 50 with a 3 year old, a 27 year old and a 30 year old and I wouldn't change a thing. Yes it can be tiring and sometimes bedtime can't come quick enough! But overall it's a very different experience when you're older and has lots of upsides. Good luck!

And i'd have my daughter to help

That reason alone would be enough for most to say no. It's not upto the siblings to help.

The age wouldnt put me off as long as in good health and I couldn't still finance uni etc. The large age gap, the GCSEs coming up, the children expected to help all would though.

Seeing a young relative is very different to having a new baby on the scene. Teens need a lot of parental support through high school, exams, college etc. They would have no interest in socialising with a toddler at their age so activities would be very split.

Go for it. I have adult children, young teens and a toddler and newborn. The teens enjoy the chance to entertain little ones with silliness but have their own lives a lot too. I’m definitely more tired now than I was even two years ago but I’m a more experienced parent than I was in my twenties so they counteract each other. Parenting is always tiring and you never know what personality of baby/child you will have...but the family works it all out, if that’s what you focus on. My Dad has us at 55, said we kept him young. Early 40s is nothing.

Oops forgot my 20 year old!!

I am 42, I have 4 children 18,16,11 and 3. I have infinitely more patience. I am not nearly as exhausted as I sleep less than my early 20 anyway. I have lots of hands to watch littlest while I go to the loo / wash up etc. I have always ensured that they never feel responsible for littlest but it's really nice to see the games they play together. I would definitely recommend it.
The only difficulty I have is trying to find something that we can all do together - teens don't want to do toddler stuff, toddler can't do teens stuff. But we compromise. Just be prepared for all the questions and pondering at the age difference from everyone else. But I would go for it.

I say go for it. even ideal circumstances have a way of changing through the years, so overthinking the planning and timing of it all is rather pointless beyond being reasonably sure you can and will be able to afford a child and you and partner are in good health.

I had my last child at 42, his siblings were 20 and 22 at the time of his birth, they are 12, 32 and 34 now. He is essentially an only child, so that's a bit different than you.

More like you: My mother had 4 children between 1963-70, and then another in 1980. we all adored the baby, we joke that his feet never touched the ground until he was two years old. oldest brother and I both moved out by the time he was 4, but the brothers who were 10 and 12 when he was born took him everywhere when they were teenagers, he was the mascot of their group of friends/school sports teams. When they got a flat and moved out when he was 10 or so, he had to have it explained that HE was still going to be living with mom and dad, not them. But when he was a few years older, he visited them for weeks in the summer. He was far more willing to 'earn his keep' doing more chores when they were at work than he was willing to do at home. He was going all their laundry and housekeeping and had supper on the table! He stayed with me, I didn't make him into a maid and cook, but he was my girls favorite child minder. As adults, my girls and he are as close as siblings, one of my girls shared a flat for a couple months with Uncle D and his girlfriend when she moved to their city. He also stays in touch with my son, noting they are both members of the very exclusive 'boy uncle' club. (my oldest daughter has a 5 year old)

Relevant to your DD12: Through her teen years, she may encounter people who assume your baby is her baby. this happened to me as a teen and to my daughters in their 20s. In both cases we just sailed on, ignoring the nosy strangers. It goes along with people assuming your baby is your grand baby, even though you think you look great and your hair dye is fresh with no grey showing and your daughter isn't even there to confuse them.

Hiya - do you know what I think has made me so keen recently? My lovely mum has advanced Alzhiemers and I have been through such a lot with her recently when she has been poorly and I miss so much the person she was and the relationship we had. Just made me realise how quickly life goes past and how important your family & family life is.

I was also recently at a family wedding and on the dancefloor was the bride (30) her mum (73) and her older sister (45). They were so close and she had a wonderful relationship with her mum and her mum was so proud of her getitng married and a big part of the wedding and I just thought that it can all work out well!

My 2 at the moment are at secondary school I have a flexible part time job so I am around every day to do the school run, pick up and take to sports and hobbies and they are constantly having friends over for sleepovers etc -I don't think that would change much at all. DH also works locally and finishes early so he is around a lot as well. As I said we probably have a more stable set up now than we've ever had and now the kids are all grown up after years of juggling work and worrying about money ! xx

My age gaps are slightly different in that my eldest is 12 but I also have one of 7. My 3rd pregnancy was more complicated, but I haven't felt any more tired I don't think. I do feel a bit isolated as pp said, because I don't have any longstanding friends with kids under 7. I do often feel like I'm failing my 12yo because he needs me and I'm occupied with a 13mnth old.
On balance though I'd say go for it, I don't regret a thing

We also have more money than we did with the other 2 and that makes life easier

Of it feels right and your circumstances make it possible, then go for it.

I'm 41, Dd is 18 in August and I can't think of anything worse for me, but that's me.

I’m just not sure. I’m 41 with three and knackered! Had my last at 35 and 7.5 and 4.5 year age gaps between older two and youngest. It’s seemed harder with youngest as he’s just been a bit too young to play with the older two although much improved now. But he definitely couldn’t access their play at age 3/4 and felt left out and required a lot more of my attention than the older two did. I do sometimes wish I’d aimed for a smaller gap with DC3. So the idea of a 3rd with your age gaps would make me want two more so the youngest had a playmate as a the third won’t catch up in a 13 year age gap and be able to play with the older two. But I guess it will be a different sort of child hood where they’re hopefully doted on by very big siblings!

It's not just the physical elements of money and school drop off etc. It's the emotional well-being of your children. It seems to me you're somebody who's panicking coming to the end of your fertile years, you say you work part time so I assume your family is very much at the centre of who you are and what you do so children growing up must be difficult. These are normal biological urges, but I do think you have a duty as a parent to reflect more on your children than you are currently.

Lol thanks again -just reading them all through. My mum had the 4 of us later in life in her late 30's/40's with no problems -she even had twins!

I've already had 2 uneventful pregnancies no complications but I know nothing is guaranteed.

My dad has a 14 year age gap with him and his youngfer sister and they have an amazing bond, she was adored growing up and they always went on holdiay together with my mum & uncle and she has been a wonderful support to him when my mums been ill. It's all different for different situations I suppose x

I had dd when I was 40 with an 18 and 15 year old. 15 months before she was born I had a pregnancy scare but when I found I was not pregnant we had a discussion and decided that we would try for another. I decided that we would only try for 18 months and if it didn’t happen we would have no regrets.

I know dd has kept us young but I am now glad to hand our grandson back to his parents.

I had an amniocentesis because although I am sure dh and I would have coped with a child with downs’ syndrome I was not prepared to commit my two boys to having to care for a sibling when I died.

You probably always had one more in your head but i think it’s a bit late.

A teenager during the menopause would be tough going.

I think you should enjoy your future and not replay your past.

Thanks newjobnerves. My 2 have had quite a tough time recently with their grandma being ill so I was thinking this would be something positive for them and would bring us all together (maybe rose tinted glasses). I reflect on them plenty thanks! And before someone says it...we've already got a dog, and a guinea pig! x

@mumontherun14

I want to say how it is for a me with a much younger sibling.

There is a 10 yr gap between me and my sister.
We are not really close.
I left for uni when they were only 8.

I then moved away for work.

Their life is very different to mine now anyway. They do not have children and there is little common ground.

My parents were late 30s when they had my sister. For various reasons, she was still living at home at almost 30 (saving for a house). This meant my parents were still doing hands on parenting in their late 60s.

Bear in mind it will be harder for your existing DCs to have a good relationship, and you may still be parenting (very much) in your 60s if the youngest goes to university and then lives at home for a few years.

You may still have an adult child living at home when you retire!

My auntie had her second child at 40. Her younger daughter was 18 at the time. Physically she said it was fine, both siblings get on well. No issues

Have you actually discussed this with your existing children and do they know what having a baby and toddler in the house full-time is like? Because they will also be affected - and during run up to GCSE's etc, assuming you are going to try ASAP due to your age.

For me, I'd not do it, because I know how demanding a baby is and I wouldn't want my energy diverted from my existing children at such a crucial time in their social and educational development.

I am pregnant at 41 , I have a 19 year old and a 13 year old However I also have younger dc , my youngest is 4 so I am not starting again.
I would ttc for a year and then call it a day.

@mumontherun14 that's like when a relationship is breaking down and they have a "band-aid baby". Babies rarely improve a situation! You know how hard they are, can you honestly say the solution to a difficult time your children have experienced with your mother being looked after is to create another dependent? I think your efforts would be better placed on the children themselves, spend some quality time together, go on holiday. A baby is going to divert your attention from them further, the last thing they need if they've had a difficult time.

I think it's very rose tinted. Bar being related they will have nothing in common with a baby or preschool child.

Babies don't always bring families together, your DD may resent being the default helper/sitter (common complaint from older siblings) and they are going to need the peace and quiet for exams not sleepless nights and a noisy baby/toddler.

I was going to say - how do your existing children feel about having a small child around with exams? Are you expecting to rely on them for childcare?

I wouldn’t personally have wanted a baby around as a teen.