To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

I had DS at nearly 46, when his half-sisters (my stepdaughters, who lived with us) were 16 and 14. It was all fine (they were not difficult teenagers though).

My mother had my little brother when I was 19 and in my second year of university. My other brother was 16. Again, it was fine.

I am 55 and have a ten year old!

I couldn’t think of anything worse personally. You are about to get your life back as kids get older why on earth would you go back to zero and spend those precious years back at primary school drop off? Life is for living not just passing on.

Be grateful for 2 healthy children.

The planet is overpopulated and no family really should be having more than 2 children. It's pretty selfish and short sighted.

Also I really don't think your two children will be happy with a crying baby and then a tantruming toddler even though they may think they will.

Do you not want any life just you and your DH? Have a baby now and you will be in your 60's or older before they leave home. You must be mad to even think about it

Why do people assume that older siblings want to babysit their younger siblings? I have my own children plus being pregnant again and it's all I ever hear, no offence to anyone but why start again if you expect the others to just baby sit? It's one thing that infuriates me so much. And it isn't just on here people say it , it's in real life also.

Those against seem not to like children very much. If you love and enjoy every stage of a child growing up then go for it.

And I love my siblings to bits but I just don't want to give up my time with my own kids to have someone else's kids especially ones that don't behave or cause extreme mess everywhere I know it sounds harsh. But just no

My two girls did their GCSEs and A-levels with a baby in the house, and one of them did her whole undergrad degree with a toddler/young child in the house. I went through most of university with a baby in the house. It can be done (well, you realy do need a local library, I spent most of my time in the university library, but as I say, it can be done).

When my mum had my brother in her early 40s she suffered with PND and went into an early menopause. I think that is more common with older mothers. He also had some health issues but I cannot say if that is anything to do with the fact that my mum was older when she had him and plenty of women have first babies in their 40s. I know we counted ourselves lucky having 2 healthy children and thought having more would mean stacking the odds against us of having a third healthy one.

As others have said also unless you are very wealthy will having a third impact your finances so that you have to delay retirement etc? Your older 2 children may go to university so you may have that to pay for at the same time as paying nursery costs. That puts your years of enjoying an active retirement with your DH maybe in jeopardy.

I am putting the negatives as to be honest I cannot see any positives. You talk about family but you have family already. You inevitably are broody as you have a sister who has a baby but you can give your nephew back and carry on going on your girls weekends away or out for a meal with your DH and children without a second thought. Would that be quite as easy with a young baby to put to bed?

in your 40s you are fare more likely to have a child with SN. The waste majority of disabilities cannot be dx during pregnancy.

I have a child with complex needs and we really don't have much of s quality of live. I can only work very limited hours (with crap pay), so we are pretty poor in monetary terms. my time is taken up by caring. I am socially isolated, having a sibling with complex needs had a huge impact on my other child (in terms of time I have for her, hobbies she can/cannot access due to finances, isolation in part as well). my mental health has taken a huge hit.

you already have 2 DC. I would be grateful for what I have got. Why risk it all? I really don't get this!

The age gap aside, going from two to three in my experience totally changes the family dynamic. You mentioned holidays and hobbies in one of your posts, attending hobbies will become more difficult when you have a baby/grumpy toddler, holidays become eyewateringly more expensive for 5 as most hotel accommodation caters for parties of 4.

You sound like you have a lovely family life atm op, and i would question the impact on your existing children if adding a baby to your family at this point in your life.

I’m 40 and recently had a baby after a 7 year gap. Ok not as long as your gap, but I also have a friend who is 42 and had 14, 15 and 17 year olds when she had a her 4th baby. If you want to, do it. Obviously at any age, but particularly our age there are no guarantees but if you don’t try you’ll never know. I’m so glad we have. Our newest son is just the most wonderful gift.

My mom was in her 40’s and had my brother with a 12 yr age gap.
His life and mine were very different and separate.
We’re polite and get along but our experiences growing up are vastly different.
As a teen I thought my brother cute, kind of like getting a new puppy. But he was a massive inconvenience till I left home. Basically no contact till in my 60’s him now 48. As I was busy with my own family and children.
Just be aware the kids might not be close and as you/your dh age your youngest might get saddled with your care/supervision.

Would you consider adopting or fostering? That way you're helping a baby or child who really needs a home, and not contributing to overpopulation. With fostering you can do it for however many years suits, you'd have the freedom to stop if it upsets the family dynamic.

I know someone who fosters babies and toddlers and its lovely for her having helped so many little ones have a better start in life. So many of her foster children keep in touch and so it feels like she has a lovely extended family.

Also don't underestimate the stress and anxiety that older teens can cause, your older kids aren't in the partying years yet!

My dad was early 40s when I came along (I was the first child, my mum was a bit younger) and really I think it was a bit old to be having a DC. I think he struggled with teen parenting when he wanted to settle down and take a step back from work and consider retirement.

I'd also be wary about the fact that your DCs have quite stressful years up ahead - I found that as a teen, although I didn't want as much practical support from parents, I still really needed them emotionally. You say your DCs are keen, but the reality of having a teen trying to revise for GCSEs with a toddler running around may not be the same as having a cousin popping round to play occasionally.

I also wonder if your mum's health is impacting your thoughts too much - I've recently dealt with serious family illness and have had really strong urges to have a baby - the idea of a little thing that loves you unconditionally etc, something to look forward to when things seem bleak... but I know it isn't necessarily a solution.

of course not. Good luck if you decide to go ahead.

Oh just do it! If we all worried about how old we were or how we would be judged (with anything) we would get nowhere.

If you want one i can think of nothing lovelier than having one!

I had my second at 41. I took a years maternity leave. I’m 44 now and I’m working full time, great salary, younger is almost 4.

My friend had her first at 40 and second at 50. Her dh was not keen but that's a whole different story.
She is exhausted and she has a ton of help. I think she thought once she had a baby she'd be happy or feel complete, and her whole family would be happier. Unfortunately that hasn't happened.

Another point to consider OP. You say you miss doing the family stuff but that does cycle back round. My DC are 28 & 29 now. Yes during the teen years it was all about friends but as they got older they wanted to do things with me again. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my DD and we both said we fancied a short break so we booked a trip that day for a few days later! Went off and had a lovely time. We went to a nice European city and just strolled around, drank mimosas at lunchtime! Nice food and wine in the evenings. We had a fantastic time.

My DS has moved to the other side of the world so later this year I’m going to fly over and spend a couple of months there. I’ll visit him, travel round etc.

I wouldn’t have that freedom (or the finances) if I had a young child.

It isn’t about not liking children, as a pp suggests. I adore my kids. It’s about embracing different life stages and making the most of them. I can understand someone who’s never had kids, and wants them, having a baby at an older age. That happens for all sorts of reasons. I just think that if you’ve already “been there, done that” so to speak, then you are going to be sacrificing other things to do it all over again.

@MenstruatorExtraordinaire my reasons aren't because I don't like children, quite the opposite, my reasons come from how much I DO love my children and I wouldn't put them through it.

OP, I am 47 and my youngest turns 5 tomorrow. My other two were 4 and 12 when he was born, so now 9 and 17.
You never would regret it. I mean, our youngest is just the best thing in the world. They don't come any lovelier than my DC3.

You haven't hit the real teens yet. Just wait. Teens, toddlers, and GCSEs is one helluva trip. But like everything, it can be done and you get through it.

DC3 was my hardest baby. Non-sleeper. Killed our sex life. The exhaustion and lack of intimacy was hard, hard, hard, really tough. Balancing this with GCSEs and the high needs of a elderly parents put DH and I through our paces. We've come through it and I'm just loving the kids' ages right now. I'm sad that our 17 year old is preparing to apply for uni... abroad!
You never know how it will be. We can never predict. You just enjoy the ride. Go for it. Just be careful. Make sure trying for a baby doesn't dominate your thoughts and your life too much. Because it can be harder over 40. If it happens, wonderful. If not, try and be at peace with this.

No way would I. I'm grateful for the ones I've got. This bank holiday has been a bit crap because they are too old to do fun things with but too young for me to go away and leave, so I do understand about missing family time. In another 3 years or so I can bugger off and leave them and see the things I haven't in the last 15 years while I'm still physically able.
There is also consideration as to whether the child has SN. My youngest has, and its one thing in my early 30's to devote my life and limit my work to care for him, but in my 40's and 50's?
If its not broke don't fix it.

My mum was 39 when I was born, my dad 42. My brothers were 11 and 15 years old then. Similar range of ages to you, OP. The age gap with my brothers was so wide I might as well have been an only child, but without the novelty value of a singleton.

I spent many childhood hours playing Monopoly against myself.

Maybe fun for you to ''start again', less so for your children, especially a new one.

And all those saying 'go for it' they don't know you, care about you or have to bring the child up.

Very offensive to imply that those of us that don’t have enormous families or want child after child don’t like our own kids . The opposite is true my kids benefit from our decision to stop at two.

It’s trying to reclaim a life stage that is over.