To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

if your

As I have 4 siblings and uncles aunties nearby we all help

Do they want to? Have you asked them?

We had a 3rd (surprise) baby just before my 43rd birthday. Our other children were 18 and 19 and started University just before he was born, one living at home, one away.
Good points: yes it was lovely at first. We found it really easy to get back into the routine of having a baby.
It made us feel younger for a while.
Not so good: when you are 50, with a seven year old it is very tiring. My job was tiring too.
I never really got my periods back after he was born so I was menopausal and had a young child.
He is autistic and was a terrible teenager. Not ideal in your late 50s/early 60s.
People either assumed he belonged to one of our other children, and I was his grandmother, or that I had remarried.
Hard to say if I would do it again. I love him dearly, but I don't think I would have done it on purpose.

As well as having one child age 40 and one at 38, I was pregnant unexpectedly age 46 (but lost the baby at around 11 weeks).

It was a different father to my other two children. Maybe it was age related, maybe our chromosomes didn’t mix well.

The tiredness that keeps getting mentioned well that happens if you have a baby in your 20s too. If you’re relatively fit and healthy anyway in your 40s you won’t experience any more or less tiredness other than the usual first trimester knock me out with a sock moments.

You sound like you really want one, so will regret if you don’t try.

I wouldn’t. But then I love my freedom. Parenting is great but hard, especially the pregnancy/toddler bit.
The age gap is big and the older 2 wouldn’t want to be doing anything the 3rd does and vice versa.
Why not just enjoy the life you have now?

Sounds like you have made your mind up though..

Remember that your DC might like the idea of a baby sibling but when they get to 16+ their world expands beyond the home and it won't seem so much fun, the novelty doesn't last. My DD begged for a dog aged 12 but now at 15 is far less interested in walking it....
You get to give your nephew back remember.

Forgot to say also although my mum has had these younger children she expects us big lot to help out whenever she asks it, that's babysitting doing school runs, having the younger lot for sleepovers and we just don't want to do it. But if you say no you get moaned at and accused of not helping but we didn't ask for younger siblings again, we love them but we're expected to help put so much and it's fucking irritating.

Buxbaum - you are right I feel I am getting a bit flamed here .

I think because DH is a bit yonger than me he has always been keen on another one and I've always felt time wasn't right/age gap too big/i was too old. Now I have this sudden urge again and I had similar before I turned 40 and talked myself out of it but here it is again! I am very concerned about my older 2 hence the deliberating and asking for advice because can appreciate it would be unsettling for them.

For the past few years I've had the freedom, been away for weekend and weeks with my girl pals and been away with DH and we enjoy walking together with the dog but we still both keep coming back to this idea and in a few years it really will be too late x

You sure your aunts and cousins are as good as you think?

I’m the same age as you and know my social circle would vanish if I had a newborn.Having been there and done that most are now allergic to babies/kids. All enjoying the years before possible grandkids arrive.

I think it could be isolating for you in the long run.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but you need to consider is it realistic. had my second at 40something. 8 year gap. The kids love each other and play together well. There’s no big rivalry between them like I witnessed with closer aged siblings. Pregnancy was no different to my 30s but my second child wasn’t the lovely easy baby my first was and I ended up not being able to spend as much time with my eldest so watching football & hanging out in stables may be a bit unrealistic and there may be resentment from the older two that the baby is getting all the attention because what you’ll probably not realise is how insecure the older kids will become with a younger model on the scene. Losing time with my eldest to a Velcro baby that at 2 still doesn’t sleep though the night was unexpected and I feel awful about that. As for the relationship with my partner, it will recover but he took a long time to adjust to the change in dynamic and there’s not much sex, no weekends away and no late nights because our day now starts at 5.30am it was a huge upheaval in what was a nice established life. I wouldn’t change what we have now for the world but if I knew how difficult it would be starting again with a new baby I’d maybe have taken up babysitting instead.

TatianaLarina - ii mean we all help out with visiting my mum so it's not only me x

I think you’ve already made up your mind so it’s not for any of us to tell you no. But pp’s have raised some good points. I was full of energy in my early 40s and felt great. Now at nearly 50 and going through peri I am exhausted all the time. I’ve had to give up my high stress (better paid) job for something easier. Which has been fine for me because my kids are all grown and I only have myself to support. But I couldn’t have done that if I still had young children to provide for. The thought of having an 8 year old at my age just fills me with horror! I know I would be really struggling. And I was a single parent who had two 18 months apart, but I was in my 20s then so it was a huge amount easier.

You would/will be shocked by how much you can age in your 40s. There’s been several threads on exactly that just recently. You may be lucky with menopause but it may hit you like a ten tonne truck!

I think the things you’ve been through and the impending loss of your fertility is distorting your view. You’re right, life is precious, but you’ve done the bulk of the child rearing part. Don’t you want to have new adventures? If you started trying now, say it took a year plus the pregnancy, the child would be 17 when you’re 60. That’s tough. The money you’d save by not having another could go into mortgage payments, maybe early retirement, travel, whatever. But something that makes your later years more comfortable.

However, as I say, you seem decided so good luck!

We went for a third when I was 37. Wish we hadn't. He has severe autism, OCD, PDA and ADHD. All the anecdotes are about how easy it is to have a healthy child until you're 50 on MN, but the reality is often every different. Quit whilst you're ahead.

Go for it.
Nothing stopping you.
Better to regret the things you've done than those you didn't.
I had 2 under 2 at 41 - it's fine. You manage.

Whoops75 - I mean my aunts and siblings help out with my mum so its not only me.

I had my 3rd at 42. Older 2 were 10 and 7. It's been great although harder on the body at 42 than 32.

We all love him to bits. There's no bickering between him and the older 2. They look after him and also I think it's made them less selfish and more caring.

I don't think you are being flamed at all OP. You can do as you please obviously. I think posters are just giving you a realistic idea if they had babies later, many are positive and some are saying it is tough. I am 48 and still fit but I feel I have changed, aged lots since I turned 40. Health worries become more real. I have had 2 friends get cancer mid 40s, my DM died. It all becomes quite real. I know that's part of why you want another but just plan what could happen if any of those things hit you or if the child had special needs as is more likely as you age.
I have to say I would quit while I was ahead.

And I'm 50 with a 7 year old and don't find it a problem at all. I have lots of energy in fact he keeps me young and active.

I think there are a few things to consider. My mum did as you did and had my sister and I with three years between us and then had a smaller gap than you are considering and had my brother. There are 11 years between me and him and 8 years between him and my sister. All the time I was going through my teens my mum was preoccupied with my brother and whilst I did not think of it at the time it was a very different relationship I had with my mum than I had with my two daughters who had just 18 months between them. When they were in their teens I was free to go shopping with them or to the cinema whereas my mum rarely did that with me or my sister due to having no one to leave my brother with. If you have family support though it may be different.

Also bear in mind you may be more exhausted as you are older now both during the pregnancy and in the early years. Do you really want to go back to sleepless nights and nappy changing? Are your older children prepared for the disruption having a much younger sibling will have or that holidays will need to be geared around a little one? Family meals out will either involve eating much earlier or getting a sitter. Depends on what is most important to you. In my experience though people who say their older children would love a baby brother or sister just say that because of how they behave when they see a baby of a relative or friend every now and again. Different when the baby is there all the time. I hated having a baby brother when he was disturbing things I was up to, making a noise when I was trying to watch a tv programme or just being generally annoying. He is fine now but in his 40s so much less annoying. ;)

Better to regret the things you've done than those you didn't.

I disagree.

Tistheseason17 Did you also have teens?

Teens and toddlers together is hard.

I'm sorry to say, I couldn't think of anything worse. Much as I love my girls, at 10 and 8 we are just getting our life back! We can do hobbies again, at a bbq I can actually talk to my friends and drink Prosecco again. I can't think of anything worse than starting again.
And, I'm sorry to say, the environment should be a consideration.

I can’t imagine anything worse than starting all over again with baby, then toddler, then school stuff with two much older children.
I have three, so nothing against the number of kids, but they’re all close in age so we went through each stage together. I’ve no doubt a baby in the house would be exciting and new at first but honestly, I think it would be really restricting pretty quickly, and I think it must be very hard to meet each child’s needs when they’re so different in age

One of my closest friends was 18 and her older brother was 22 when their little sister popped along

It was wonderful to see, it was like an injection of life, fun, happiness and energy into the family

Plus you can get free babysitting from older siblings

Don't just think about whether it's just a baby at 40 you want; do you want a ten year old at 50, a late teenager at 60?