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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member wants to have a conversation with me about the “wider issues” between us, which I really don’t want to have - who has the final say on something like this

372 replies

Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 08:14

We had a big argument about what was supposed to be a joint short holiday this summer.

Long story. And slightly ridiculous were I to write it all down.

This person has repeatedly messaged me about my failings (though she also upset me and I told her this and why), and I have apologised repeatedly at this point.

We have done all of this by message, and now she is saying that unless I have a face to face conversation with her in which we discuss the “wider issues” between us, she is cancelling the holiday.

Can’t tell you how much I don’t want yet another conversation about this, or to be made to feel shit about “wider issues”.

Surely the person who doesn’t want this kind of conversation gets the final say? I feel like I will be forced at gunpoint to talk, and it’s making me feel like running a mile.

OP posts:
Atalune · 27/05/2019 09:19

The repeated messages I think are prodding you to “open up” and you won’t.

It’s a destructive cycle on both parts.

You need to find compromise. Firing out apologies isn’t a compromise.

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 09:19

Desolate1

God, you would drive me up the wall, OP. It’s all about you.

It really isn’t.

I have received umpteen messages from my sister telling me in great detail how I have annoyed her. And I have apologised.

Does the fact that I don’t particularly want a face to face conversation make it all about me?

Genuinely asking.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 27/05/2019 09:19

Not sure why many people on here are labelling the sister as a bully and saying she just wants a chance to "have a go" at OP
Because we've got family members who do just this and we know they love the opportunity to talk you into submission and emotionally blackmail you.

GabriellaMontez · 27/05/2019 09:20

Her insistence on getting together sounds to me like "I want to get you in a room then convince, bully, badger you into backing down, further apologising, on beating yourself further and then trying to make you more like me which is the 'right' way to be".

There is no 'right' way to be. You don't have to meet her. Her tenacious messaging sounds wearing. If she can't let it lie don't go away with her.Sometimes we have to just move on.

smallereveryday · 27/05/2019 09:20

I am going against the grain here. I do think the issue is yours - in fact you seem to acknowledge that some discussion is required but you are actively avoiding it although you also seem to admit the relative has a point.

Put your big girl pants on and get on with it. Especially if, as pp suggests , this is your own 15yr old daughter, ! Time to be a grown up and stop avoiding stuff.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 27/05/2019 09:20

I would meet up with her.

It's your sister, not a third cousin twice removed. Worth making the effort to salvage the relationship, and poor communication is so often the cause of trouble, and better communication can be the path out.

Pathetic but genuine

It's not pathetic to her though. And you say yourself there are wider issues - it's not about the holiday.

I find criticism very difficult, and find it hard not to feel humiliated. So I guess I am trying to avoid feeling that way face to face.

Nobody enjoys criticism. And you don't have to open yourself up to a meeting that is just her criticising you. You are both adult human beings, so you can negotiate and set parameters. Say to her "I would like us to get on well and move forward. I am worried this meeting will make things worse if either or both of us use it to criticise the other person. I would feel happy to talk if we stuck to talking about our own feelings and experiences, offering apologies if that's what we feel we want to do and not criticising the other person's behaviour. Is that something you would agree to?"

Parvuli · 27/05/2019 09:20

She sounds like she wants a dramatic showdown.

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:20

Desolate1

Yes. You are refusing to do what she neeee to get past this, just...because. There seems to be no rhyme or reason other than you don’t want to.

LizzieSiddal · 27/05/2019 09:22

As others have said if you don’t have this conversation now, she’ll hound you in holiday, so that will be spoilt.

Could you ask her to come round, but tell her you’ve only talk about it for 5 minutes?

ElspethFlashman · 27/05/2019 09:22

God, you would drive me up the wall, OP. It’s all about you

That's a really wierd thing to say. The OP is the one posting, of course it's about her? And she has acknowledged how the sister may negatively perceive her, a couple of times. I think she is trying to be balanced and fair. That's why she's asking how to respond and not just ignoring the request.

Atalune · 27/05/2019 09:23

But you say yourself your cold and defensive. You’ve put up a wall, of course refusing to meet up is all about you. It’s so controlling of you to point blank refuse it.

The multi messages are unreasonable to, but your sister is not getting anywhere with you. She needs to talk it through. Why is that so scary for you?

gamerwidow · 27/05/2019 09:23

Right. So your options are to try to adjust your behaviours towards her, or accept that you aren’t going to have a very filial relationship going forward. Yes?

Why is this so one sided? What is the sister doing to change her behaviours towards the OP? Why are her feelings so much more important than the OPs?

Not every set of sisters can be the best of friends and that's ok. The OP shouldn't have to acquiesce to her sister's every demand if it's going to make her feel bad. She's apologised, it's enough.

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:23

ElspethFlashman

Hmm. Not how I read it at all. Her sister just wants to talk, rather than resolve things by text. If you loved your sister, isn’t that something you would try?

GabriellaMontez · 27/05/2019 09:23

Family holidays are challenging. Many of us avoid them. You and your children can have a great relationship without going on holiday together.

StCharlotte · 27/05/2019 09:24

Let's say you manage to avoid the conversation and the holiday goes ahead. How the hell are you going to avoid it once you're away together?

The talk is going to happen at some point so just let her have her say and get it over with.

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:25

gamerwidow

I haven’t read anything that suggests the sister has done anything the OP wants her to stop doing (other than wanting a conversation). Anyway, clearly lots of people here who think it’s fine to apologise over text and refuse to talk in person. Not how I run myself relationships, but Smile

diddl · 27/05/2019 09:25

I think that sometimes you have to accept that ypu don't get on with a sibling & have a low contact relationship & fake it on times that you have to be together.

You have apologised.

What more can you do-promise tochange and be how she wants you to be??!!

ElspethFlashman · 27/05/2019 09:25

She wants to talk my arse. "Wider issues" = dredge up things from years ago.

At no point has she said "I want to meet up to talk about this one disagreement". Nope. Wider issues.

That clearly means whatever the sister feels like banging on about.

Fuck that.

VioletCharlotte · 27/05/2019 09:26

There's so much going on here, it's difficult to give a view without a better understanding of the relationship you and your sister have. I'm getting the impression there's a lot of deep set jealously of one another and unresolved issues (normal for siblings).

Some people find deep and meaningful conversations tough and avoid them at all costs. Others prefer to get everything out there. I feel your in the former camp OP. Most of my family are like this (parents and brother) as they don't want to have a discussion about anything that could be upsetting. The issue with this is that nothing ever get resolved and there is so much underlying tension, mainly over little things, that has built up over the years. Being unable to have open and honest conversations means there's always a distance between you, you'll never be really close.

If you don't want to have the conversation, don't, but I would have a think about why you feel you can't open up to people, and want to listen when they open up to you.

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:26

ElspethFlashman

But sometimes there are wider issues.

gamerwidow · 27/05/2019 09:26

I haven’t read anything that suggests the sister has done anything the OP wants her to stop doing (other than wanting a conversation)
But yet other people have the same interpretation as me so maybe it's you missing something?

GabriellaMontez · 27/05/2019 09:26

Of course the op doesn't want to meet her... she's already been subjected to a barrage of texts telling her how annoying she is.

That's a perfectly good reason to say "I have nothing more to say about this beyond the apology I've already given."

hellodarkness · 27/05/2019 09:26

"She would listen to me. She wants to have a heart to heart,"

"Regarding her apologising, she says she wants to but wants to do it face to face."

"she wants a different relationship with me"

"It would probably be better for us to talk"

"We both upset each other. I have apologised. She hasn’t and wants to do it face it face"

"We both offended the other"

None of what op has said suggests her sister's motive is to 'see her cry' elspeth.
And of course she's not getting the reaction she wanted over text, it's a soulless, emotionless form of communication that does not lend itself to genuinely resolving any issue.

diddl · 27/05/2019 09:27

I'm sure that my sibling thinks I'm cold.

Yes-it's my barrier to protect myself from any more hurt from them!

WhitePhantom · 27/05/2019 09:27

I bet it's an older sister (been there!)

I would say she's not going to let it go, rightly or wrongly, but if you do decide to talk it through you definitely need an independent person there to steer things and keep it from getting too heated. Things said can never be unsaid. It's worth the cost of a therapist to help with this.