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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family member wants to have a conversation with me about the “wider issues” between us, which I really don’t want to have - who has the final say on something like this

372 replies

Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 08:14

We had a big argument about what was supposed to be a joint short holiday this summer.

Long story. And slightly ridiculous were I to write it all down.

This person has repeatedly messaged me about my failings (though she also upset me and I told her this and why), and I have apologised repeatedly at this point.

We have done all of this by message, and now she is saying that unless I have a face to face conversation with her in which we discuss the “wider issues” between us, she is cancelling the holiday.

Can’t tell you how much I don’t want yet another conversation about this, or to be made to feel shit about “wider issues”.

Surely the person who doesn’t want this kind of conversation gets the final say? I feel like I will be forced at gunpoint to talk, and it’s making me feel like running a mile.

OP posts:
dudsville · 27/05/2019 09:06

It may not relate at all but this reminds me of my ex. I wanted to acknowledge things and move on. He wanted to discuss everything to a fine detail. It felt to me like he wanted to be in my head, as if he could know absolutely everything and then he could feel safe and reassured. Only it isn't possible to know absolutely everything, so he kept digging and digging. If I was caught pondering life looking out of a window he'd demand to know what I was thinking. Some people have an itch that catch be scratched. They can't let go, it makes them anxious and depressed.

gamerwidow · 27/05/2019 09:07

p.s. you don't owe her a conversation, you've already had a conversation she won't be happy until shes forced you to accept her point of view.

IrenetheQuaint · 27/05/2019 09:07

I'm not a fan of agonising conversations where both people say unpleasant things that can never be quite forgotten. Usually it just makes the situation worse and heaps up resentment on both sides. You've known each other all your lives and I don't imagine you have much left to learn about each other. I would cancel the holiday and move on.

Gingernaut · 27/05/2019 09:09

Not being funny, but why consider going on holiday with someone who upsets you this much.

Let her cancel the holiday.

hellodarkness · 27/05/2019 09:10

You have the last say on whether you discuss it or not but if all of this has been conducted via messages I think she's got the right idea about a face-to-face to clear the air before the holiday, or before you are in the same room for any future family event.

If she were posting here I think we'd all be saying 'stop messaging, do it in person'.

If you were wrong, own it and apologise properly in person. If you were right, stand your ground. All better in person IMO.

Qweenbee · 27/05/2019 09:11

It would probably be better for us to talk, and I guess that there probably are underlying issues, but I don’t think they are such a big deal, and could easily just carry on.

But your sister thinks they are a big deal.

NicoAndTheNiners · 27/05/2019 09:11

I dunno, from her point of view she maybe feels the air needs to be cleared so she/you can enjoy the holiday. She doesn't want it hanging over you. If she feels this way then surely it's better to try and clear the air now rather than it being the elephant in the room on the holiday?

But then you seem to think she's making a mountain out of a molehill and theres no need for it?

Without knowing the details it's hard to know for sure who is more likely to be right? Of course you could both be right and just see things from different angles. She could inherently be a drama llama but that doesn't make how she feels invalid. You could inherently be the sort of person who doesn't like discussing things and that doesn't make your point of view invalid.

Is there a neutral party who could help?

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 09:12

There is something about the way she communicates which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

It’s all about how upset she is.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 27/05/2019 09:12

Do you want to salvage the relationship?

If so, take a friend to help keep the conversation neutral. Meet somewhere slightly public- like a cafe, so she can't get too intense.

Ultimately she needs to do this. All you can do is set boundaries around it and make it as painless as possible.

Have some prepared phrases- 'I'm sorry you feel like that' 'I don't agree, but would never want to hurt you' type stuff.

diddl · 27/05/2019 09:12

Don't most of us find criticism difficult?

Why would discussing things just be her criticising you though-that's surely not conducive to anything?

She thinks that you tried to take something over, you've said sorry & left her to it-that imo should be the end of it.

Sisters can be bullies.

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:13

Desolate1

There’s something about the way you behave that makes her uncomfortable.

Listlover · 27/05/2019 09:14

I would send elspeths message.
Even if you did meet up to have the conversation I suspect it wouldn’t be the end of it and you may end up walking on eggshells on holiday.

gamerwidow · 27/05/2019 09:14

But your sister thinks they are a big deal.

That doesn't mean she is right. Forcing a conversation to be repeated over and over because you haven't got the answer you want is bullying behaviour.

shazchip · 27/05/2019 09:15

Not sure why many people on here are labelling the sister as a bully and saying she just wants a chance to "have a go" at OP. You don't know her and don't know her side of the story.

Maybe she just genuinely wants to clear the air and is one of the large number of people that prefers this to be done face to face rather than over messages which are very easily misunderstood.

OP obviously nobody can force you to have a conversation with anyone but what's the point in avoiding it when it'll likely just cast a shadow over the next time you see her, whenever that is?

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 09:15

No neutral party really. I told my Aunt about it and she kind of laughed it off.

Children in adult bodies is what we are.

And tbh, there is a lot that I find difficult about her, but what is the point in raking it all up? It’s not as if we are going to change.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:16

Desolate1

God, you would drive me up the wall, OP. It’s all about you.

Missingstreetlife · 27/05/2019 09:16

Either step back and be low contact for a while, no holiday with her, or meet her for a coffee and see if you can sort it out.
Relate do family counselling. Will it blow over, will you be able to talkabout it in a few weeks or months if not, is it going to spoil your relationship in future?

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 09:16

There’s something about the way you behave that makes her uncomfortable.

Yes, she thinks I am cold and defensive.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 27/05/2019 09:17

Maybe she just genuinely wants to clear the air and is one of the large number of people that prefers this to be done face to face rather than over messages which are very easily misunderstood

No if she wanted to clear the air she'd say ' I feel really bad about what's happened lets meet to have a chat'. She doesn't want to clear the air she want to 'talk about wider issues' i.e. add more stuff to the argument.

Atalune · 27/05/2019 09:17

My thoughts are that by not wanting to talk your are confirming your rigidity and unwillingness to work through it. Your sister needs to talk it through. You don’t. You think an apology absolves you. She wants a discussion for closure.

2 opposing ways of dealing with it. That is the wider issue here and you don’t want to meet her halfway about it. You’re being stubborn. This cycle will continue to repeat and cause bad feelings.

But it’s family so I can well imagine the tricky dynamics.

diddl · 27/05/2019 09:17

Op, what do you think the underlying issues might be & can they be talked about calmly?

Or would it just be fault finding on both sides?

There surely is some stuff that doesn't need/deserve picking over ad nauseum?

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:17

Desolate1

Right. So your options are to try to adjust your behaviours towards her, or accept that you aren’t going to have a very filial relationship going forward. Yes?

ElspethFlashman · 27/05/2019 09:17

This person has repeatedly messaged me about my failings (though she also upset me and I told her this and why), and I have apologised repeatedly at this point

Has everyone missed this?

It sounds to me as if she's not getting the reaction over text that she wants so now she's moved onto wanting to tell OP about her failings face to face.

I suspect she wants to see you cry. Then she'll be satisfied and "the air will be clear".

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:18

Not filial. What’s the word?

hellodarkness · 27/05/2019 09:18

"She thinks that you tried to take something over, you've said sorry & left her to it-that imo should be the end of it."

I think everyone handles conflict differently. For every person who wants to draw a line under an argument, there's someone else who wants to unpick it to work out why it keeps happening.

Neither is wrong IMO, just different. But I don't think you can say 'just leave it now' when your sister can't leave it, she's upset, the texting is making it worse, and you've got to share a holiday or Christmas or whatever. I've never heard, seen or read anything that suggests the best way to resolve an issue is to send texts and then pretend it didn't happen. I think you should meet. You'll dread it but probably feel better afterwards. And if it's a disaster, or she's awful, you'll never have to do it again in your life.

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