Family member wants to have a conversation with me about the “wider issues” between us, which I really don’t want to have - who has the final say on something like this

[Desolate1]

We had a big argument about what was supposed to be a joint short holiday this summer.

Long story. And slightly ridiculous were I to write it all down.

This person has repeatedly messaged me about my failings (though she also upset me and I told her this and why), and I have apologised repeatedly at this point.

We have done all of this by message, and now she is saying that unless I have a face to face conversation with her in which we discuss the “wider issues” between us, she is cancelling the holiday.

Can’t tell you how much I don’t want yet another conversation about this, or to be made to feel shit about “wider issues”.

Surely the person who doesn’t want this kind of conversation gets the final say? I feel like I will be forced at gunpoint to talk, and it’s making me feel like running a mile.

I take it this is your mum, OP? It doesn’t sound like the power balance is very equal in this relationship. Has she always tried to ‘help you be a better person’ by pointing out your so called flaws? Does she tell you that she’s only doing it for your own good?

This is your 15 year old daughter isn't it? You've posted before about how she wants to talk things through with you but you don't want to hear it and you called her a 'relative' then too. Bizarre.

Oh god! I never made the connection. That definitely changes things. I’ll nit bother wasting my breath now. I’m out.

Yes I think so, almost identical thread just minus the holiday part.

If it’s your dd then talk to her. Apologise for the past and ask her how you can both move on and what she needs from you now.
Then discuss that.

No it’s not my daughter!!!

Don’t know who that was.

Don’t want to post more identifying details. I was wondering whether one person can force another one to talk in this way.

It would probably be better for us to talk, and I guess that there probably are underlying issues, but I don’t think they are such a big deal, and could easily just carry on.

Not sure why I feel so awkward at the thought of talking but I do. And the more she presses the point, the more awkward I feel.

Depends a bit on what you did and what family member and if its a relationship worth saving?

Of course they can’t force you. They can say that the conversation is a condition of continuing the relationship.

What relative is it? This does make a difference.

With all kindness intended I think you could maybe do with some counselling for your own issues and to help you understand yourself more because either the underlying issues are not a big deal like you say in which case you could easily talk about them. Or they are a big deal and you can’t talk about them, and you’re actually in denial about the issues. Either way it sounds like somewhere safe for you to explore what’s really going on here and in your life would be of benefit...

Why all the faces? It really isn’t my daughter and I don’t know which poster you are referring to.

We both upset each other. I have apologised. She hasn’t and wants to do it face it face in a conversation about wider issues.

It was not a massive deal but she has turned it into one. And when she starts on a topic, she repeats herself a lot and doesn’t let things go.

If she just wants a chance to harangue you over what she perceives as your personal failings, then I wouldn't bother. I´d probably just let her cancel the holiday. It doesn't sound like it would be much fun.

It sounds like this other person doesn’t think they owe you an apology, not really.

To be honest if you don't have the conversation now, you'll end up having it on holiday.

I was wondering whether one person can force another one to talk in this way.

No, but equally you can't force someone to go on holiday without the "air clearing" they feel is necessary.

The holiday sounds awful anyway with a person who repeatedly wants to discuss your failings and where you have to apologize all the time. I'd cancel the holiday and explain now to the kids why you aren't going. I wouldn't have a forced conversation about 'issues' for anyone.

I've had someone like this in my life. I just started saying.. issues are dealt with as far as I'm concerned. Hope you have a good weekend... etc ad nauseam... because essentially these conversations were just an excuse to use their rather 'strong' personality to bully you into agreeing or apologising for their misbehaviour. They now cordial but aloof and that is fine by me!

Of course one person cannot force another person to talk to them in this way. Just like a person cannot be forced to go on holiday with someone else.
Right now it’s not too hard to refuse to get together for a talk but, if your relative doesn’t cancel the trip, will you end up cornered into a discussion while you’re away? Might it just be better to allow them to get things off their chest? (I’m not suggesting it’s definitely necessary or that you’re in the wrong somehow. Just that, realistically, if you never want this discussion, and they really do, you’re probably going to have to get on with it p, or avoid ever seeing them again).

If you don't want to have that conversation, say no. It probably makes more sense to cancel this holiday tbh, the chances of it becoming acrimonious and stressful seem high.

@Isadora2007

Thanks for your helpful post. Yes, she also thinks I am in denial. Maybe I am .

However the situation has been blown out of proportion, and she is making it very heavy. I would favour moving on and enjoying the sunshine.

You really haven't given enough information for people to say if YABU or YANBU, but if you don't even want to see this person face-to-face, I can't see how a holiday could be successful

I'd be interested to hear the other side of this story

I would favour moving on and enjoying the sunshine.

I suspect most people who have done something wrong would favour this. Unfortunately, it takes two.

Missed all the intervening messages - thanks for them .