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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member wants to have a conversation with me about the “wider issues” between us, which I really don’t want to have - who has the final say on something like this

372 replies

Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 08:14

We had a big argument about what was supposed to be a joint short holiday this summer.

Long story. And slightly ridiculous were I to write it all down.

This person has repeatedly messaged me about my failings (though she also upset me and I told her this and why), and I have apologised repeatedly at this point.

We have done all of this by message, and now she is saying that unless I have a face to face conversation with her in which we discuss the “wider issues” between us, she is cancelling the holiday.

Can’t tell you how much I don’t want yet another conversation about this, or to be made to feel shit about “wider issues”.

Surely the person who doesn’t want this kind of conversation gets the final say? I feel like I will be forced at gunpoint to talk, and it’s making me feel like running a mile.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 27/05/2019 08:46

One person cannot force another to talk if the other doesn't wish to. A conversation is a two way street.

It's up to you if you want to have this conversation or not, if you feel the relation is important enough to save. But it's up to her if she wants to continue having a relationship with you if you don't do it. Choice for everybody.

I will say though, often in times like these - the more you put something like this off, the bigger and more awkward it gets.

Fairylea · 27/05/2019 08:46

I don’t think anyone can advise properly without more details to be honest.

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 27/05/2019 08:47

This person refusing to apologise apart from verbally to your face is bullying you OP. If the apology was heartfelt it would put into a text or email or the like. This person wants to see you squirm. You have the right to remain silent. Don't go on holiday with a bully that you have already apologised to .

diddl · 27/05/2019 08:47

Oh let them cancel.

How can you be bothered with someone who just wants to harangue you about your failings?

They should apologise & move on or fuck off.

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 08:51

Really, the whole thing was so petty. It would be embarrassing to write it down. I have apologised for in her eyes trying to “take over” and make it my holiday, when it had been her idea 🙄.

Honestly, it sounds so pathetic written down and would get worse if I described the whole thing.

We both offended the other, but I would be happy to leave it. And I have said sorry. Several times. What more can I do?

There probably are issues between us - it’s my sister - isn’t that just par for the course?

I am not sure why I recoil so much at the thought of this conversation, but I do.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 27/05/2019 08:52

Agree with spring is there a chance that there will never be an end to this and any conversation with them will always migrate to the 'issues'?

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 08:52

What more can I do?

Hear her out?

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 08:52

If the apology was heartfelt it would put into a text or email or the like.

Yes, this is what I tend to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 08:54

Hear her out?

But I already have, this saga has been running for weeks, and I can’t tell you how many messages she has sent me.

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 27/05/2019 08:54

urgh. I don't do conversations like this, though I recognise that's a weakness.

You could ask her to write you a letter or email about everything? Gives her a chance to get it all down on paper. There's always the possibility that by writing it down she will realise that a lot of it is incredibly petty. Then just don't read it until after the holiday?!

TSSDNCOP · 27/05/2019 08:55

Going on holiday would be a catastrophe. Imagine every moment of downtime being an opportunity for The Big Talk and trying to avoid it.

Nit going will equally likely end the relationship, but in the absence of more details it looks like you’d consider that the cost of not having The Talk.

BIWI · 27/05/2019 08:55

Why are you running away from it though? Can't you have an adult conversation to resolve things for both of you? Otherwise it's all going to come up again when you're on holiday and then it risks spoiling your holiday.

If this is genuine

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 08:56

Desolate1

That is the thing you can do. I can’t see what else you can do. Do you actually know what these “wider issues” are, or are you putting your head in the sand?

diddl · 27/05/2019 08:56

Are there "wider issues" then that need sorting out between you before a holiday would be bearable?

She sounds awful though if she wants to talkl about your "failings"

Wtaf is that all about-would you also have to agee to behave in an acceptable manner to her??

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 08:56

The Talk yes it’s that.

urgh. I don't do conversations like this, me neither, and yes maybe it is a weakness?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 27/05/2019 08:57

Sisters can be bullying arseholes. I had a feeling it was a sister.

Just reply and say "let's just give each other a break for a while. We're very different and can bring out the worst in each other and perhaps the holiday was not a good idea. This back and forth is really upsetting me and I won't be raking over these coals anymore, so please don't ask me to do so. I'll be in touch in a week or two. Xx"

Landlubber2019 · 27/05/2019 08:59

I have nc as potentially very outing. I had a similar demand from my sister, I didn't pursue the conversation as it didn't feel comfortable or safe to do so, I did however organise (and pay for) family counselling. it came out that she wanted a face to face meeting in order that she could say what she needed, she however did not want the counselling as she didn't want to listen to me nor did she want to agree to disagree on issues and move on.

Ultimately we are now estranged, it's been a very painful experience. Her children are strangers to me and I believe she has peddled half truths about me perpetuated by my declining that very first meeting. It has caused division within the family which can never be undone. You need to proceed with caution !

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 09:00

It’s definitely genuine.

Pathetic but genuine Grin.

Yes there probably are wider issues. Ways in which we are different and find each other annoying. And jealousy.

I find criticism very difficult, and find it hard not to feel humiliated. So I guess I am trying to avoid feeling that way face to face.

OP posts:
DockerDre · 27/05/2019 09:00

What did you do that you need to apologise for?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 27/05/2019 09:01

Do you think there's a connection between your inability to discuss it here because "it's so pathetic", and your inability to speak to your relative face-to-face, OP?

You may be being evasive because it's a public forum. Or you may be being evasive because that's how you are. To someone who wants to get to the bottom of things, this can be incredibly frustrating. It can also feel passive-aggressive.

Just a couple of things to consider if they feel valid.

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:01

Yes, it sounds to me like you need to talk. Harder than it sounds, I know, but the holiday (and relationship) sounds like some stuff needs to be discussed.

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 09:01

Sorry: if those things are going to be possible.

Original poster
Desolate1 · 27/05/2019 09:02

Missed the last two messages. Thank you. All food for thought and Landlubber I am sorry all of that happened Sad.

OP posts:
CruellaFeinberg · 27/05/2019 09:03

I agree more information is needed

But I wouldn't go on a holiday with someone like this (unless they were indeed a dc) if they were a DC, or important to me, I would suck it up and get it out the way

gamerwidow · 27/05/2019 09:04

Cancel the holiday.
My sister is always trying to pull this kind of nonsense. She doesn't want to talk about the 'wider issues' she just wants a chance to tell you uninterrupted how shit you are.

Tell her your not interested in dragging up the past and going round in circles. If she wants to talk about her issues she can go to a therapist.