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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be depressed at being so ugly?

270 replies

Quasimodo84 · 26/05/2019 16:40

I know it’s very superficial and what kind of person you are matters more - as per Roald Dahl and his bit about how nice people are never really ugly - but it’s so depressing.
I’ve always been low in the appearance stakes but it’s defintiely worse now youth isn’t even on my side. My parents are perfectly nice normal looking people so I’m not sure how it went so wrong!
Every time I see myself I could cry. Of course appearances aren’t everything, but it’s amazing how a lot of people who say that are quite attractive and don’t realise the privileges that come with being more than averagely attractive.
I suppose it’ll only get worse as I get older too, I just need to learn to not care!

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 28/05/2019 17:28

I’ve never actually met anyone I would describe as ugly... until after I’ve got to know them and they’re an ugly person inside (if that makes sense) when someone is a horrid person, I think they become ugly appearance wise in your head.
When someone is nice, kind, charismatic or intelligent they become more physically attractive I think. Just look at the likes of Benedict Cumberbatch. Wouldn’t have looked at him twice until watching Sherlock and then realised how much sex appeal he has.
I think people mostly range from average looking to very beautiful. Not many people are actually ugly!

RestingBitchFaced · 28/05/2019 17:32

It makes me so sad that you won't have photos taken with your children. They love you, they need those memories. Imagine them looking back and there are no photos with you in 😥

sourdoh · 28/05/2019 17:58

I remember "pull a pig" from uni days. Was always convinced that was the only reason anyone went out with me.
I do remember my parents focusing a fair bit on my weight/weight in general growing up. Statements such as
"if you lost a bit of weight the boys would be queuing round the block to go out with you"
"Lose weight and I'll buy you new jeans"
"Such and such has really put weight on"
So, am thinking that probably didn't help my self esteem.
I careered into an abusive relationship and marriage which just about finished me off. I married well beneath me in character and attitude, (never mind the financial... )

I remain incredibly self-conscious, I'm tall and feel i take up too much room. I can't remember the last time I felt good around men. Instead I feel afraid and uneasy and below par.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm 43 and terrified that this is it. Some days I think.I look passable and other days just really unattractive.

I'm careful with skincare, people tell me I'm looking great, but I don't believe them. Which is pretty arrogant of me in a weird way

Original poster
quasimodo84 · 28/05/2019 17:59

It’s incredibly shallow but yeah, I’d sacrifice some iq points to be more attractive, is that really bad?

I’m going to have a go at dying my hair. It’s naturally the horrible yellow shade, I’m going to try a light brown I think?

OP posts:
Original poster
quasimodo84 · 28/05/2019 18:00

sour university was cruel.
Also did they do ‘traffic light’ night at your university? Another blow to the self esteem there.

OP posts:
sourdoh · 28/05/2019 18:27

I think I missed that...or wasn't invited (more likely!!)

Oh and I understand totally where you are coming from...have to say you come.across as intelligent and thoughtful. You'd think that would be enough for both ourselves, and others.

goose1964 · 28/05/2019 18:32

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned your comment about your boobs. Have you actually been measured, and by that I mean somewhere like bravissimo not M&S. Most people are wearing a too big band and too small cups, a good fitting bra can make even the droopiest boobs pert.

Original poster
quasimodo84 · 28/05/2019 18:56

Thank you sour

It wasn’t me who mentioned boobs goose !

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 28/05/2019 19:00

Even attractive people 2/3 times fucking hate themselves so really there's no winning

sourdoh · 28/05/2019 19:03

Good point black

At the end of.our days, the race was with ourselves.

Quasi maybe you and I need to change our usernames. Perhaps their connotations are too negative.

BlackPrism · 28/05/2019 19:05

One of the most model beautiful women I've ever met used to take a full eyeshadow palette/ foundation/ lipstick makeup kit out with her to the club. Lugging it around as the rest of us showed our phones in our boobs as she redid her makeup every hour because she was that image conscious - made me realise that disliking yourself so isn't worth it.

BlackPrism · 28/05/2019 19:06

Shoved*

Girlofgold · 28/05/2019 19:57

Does anyone else in your family idolise good looks? Where along the line did they become a thing to you?

origamiunicorn · 28/05/2019 20:16

I hear you OP! Non-ugly people really don't realise what an advantage they have. I have had people cross over the road just to tell me how ugly I am.

What?! This is awful! People have crossed the street to tell you you're ugly!!? Shock Sad

When I was in school, boys used to pick on me for my ears as they used to stick out. The level of bullying and humiliation I received was awful. The worst was when a group of boys threw a penny at me during a lesson and said it was for plastic surgery.

I still don't like wearing my hair up much because of this even though my ears just sorted themselves out over time, it still stays with you.

Original poster
quasimodo84 · 28/05/2019 20:26

Kids are vile. Adults aren’t much better. Humans are pack animals and pick on anything they see as weak. It’s not nice but it is sadly human nature. I’m generalising of course, not everyone isn’t like this, but generally my expectations of people are quite low I suppose.
I do worry about my daughter having to grow up with social media as well, it was bad enough when I was at school and it didn’t even exist then.

OP posts:
GraceMarks · 28/05/2019 20:37

My parents are very looks-orientated. Neither of them was especially stunning in their youth, so I find it weird that it's so important to them, but they definitely haven't helped me. We can be sitting watching something on TV and one of them will say "Christ, she's ugly", as if they were passing comment on the weather or something. They've said this about perfectly ordinary-looking people, some of whom I consider better looking than me, so ergo...

MyNameIsArthur · 28/05/2019 20:38
Flowers
Member869894 · 28/05/2019 21:15

This is more about your self esteem than your looks. I'm sure if you work on that you'll feel better about yourself which is itself attractive. Start by changing your username

DuchessOfRednecks · 28/05/2019 21:19

I sometimes feel a real sadness that I'm not beautiful. It's usually after admiring somebody else's beauty, and feeling disempowered somehow.

There are a million trite platitudes and yeh, you're probably not ''ugly'' but still, I think it's natural to sometimes be brought up short by an unwelcome out of nowhere objective taking stock of your looks. It happens to me from time to time and I"m not 'ugly'. I'm even, I guess, averagely attractive but I still feel hit by sadness for a moment or two every now and then. To have experienced life as a beautiful woman, really, exceptionally beautiful, that would have opened doors and oiled the wheels or every introduction, new beginning, brave risk, new job, break up, rejection, you NAME it.

woodcutbirds · 28/05/2019 23:09

To have experienced life as a beautiful woman, really, exceptionally beautiful, that would have opened doors and oiled the wheels or every introduction, new beginning, brave risk, new job, break up, rejection, you NAME it.
Not necessarily. Beautiful women attract a far higher proportion of utter tossers - narcissistic men and shallow men who want a trophy on their arm and can't be bothered to see beyond it. These men get annoyed if the object they have chosen starts making normal human demands or shows weakness, sickness, a range of emotions etc.
And many women mistrust beautiful women, thinking they are predatory r resenting the way they are treated favourably.
Beautiful women do have some advantages in life, it's true, but real beauty also brings a few problems that those of us who are ordinary looking don't have to face.

Hithere12 · 28/05/2019 23:24

To have experienced life as a beautiful woman, really, exceptionally beautiful, that would have opened doors

You do realise a lot of beautiful women become immediate targets of bullying and jealousy from other women? It’s not all rosey. I’ve seen it happen at least twice in the work place.

DuchessOfRednecks · 28/05/2019 23:26

Sometimes. But on balance life is easier

M3lon · 29/05/2019 00:30

woodcut thats so funny! no I'm definitely ugly and a mess!

haverhill · 29/05/2019 00:41

The most attractive woman I know has been depressed most of her life, has a very rocky marriage and chronic health issues. She thinks she’s a disgrace without makeup.

lhw92 · 29/05/2019 02:25

The most attractive woman I know has been depressed most of her life, has a very rocky marriage and chronic health issues. She thinks she’s a disgrace without makeup.

Illness, relationship issues and bad luck do not discriminate - they can affect anyone. 🤷‍♀️
I don’t think anyone is saying attractive people have perfect lifes however chances are they would have an easier life than their ugly counterpart. The ‘halo effect’ is shown in numerous studies

Although, I could see that in some situations it may be better to be an average looking women (e.g. less jealousy from other women)

But being an average woman is not the same as being ugly (below average looks, bottom %) I would kill to look average