To be depressed at being so ugly?

[Quasimodo84]

I know it’s very superficial and what kind of person you are matters more - as per Roald Dahl and his bit about how nice people are never really ugly - but it’s so depressing.
I’ve always been low in the appearance stakes but it’s defintiely worse now youth isn’t even on my side. My parents are perfectly nice normal looking people so I’m not sure how it went so wrong!
Every time I see myself I could cry. Of course appearances aren’t everything, but it’s amazing how a lot of people who say that are quite attractive and don’t realise the privileges that come with being more than averagely attractive.
I suppose it’ll only get worse as I get older too, I just need to learn to not care!

Beauticians. Don’t know what that other word my phone came up with is!

images.app.goo.gl/BUMFHwnDDPdQhQci8

There's no hope for anyone if this is classed as ugly

I have hirsutism, and dreadful teeth due to medical reasons. Excess skin after losing 10stone. I hate mirrors and often cry about my body. Constantly put my hand up to check my 5o’clock shadow hasn’t started yet. Try to not open my mouth too much.
I’m married and I know my DH loves me for me, he’s always saying he misses my smile and he accepts me for me - hairy toes, saggy skin and all. I’m a nice person, and am very glad he looks deeper than the ugly exterior.

@loafofsellotape if she's ugly then so am I (and at least 2/3 of the female population)

Haven’t read the whole thread but have read ops posts. My sister says there are very few who are naturally beautiful. The rest of us need help.

First a good cheap alternative is a hair & beauty college who will be able to advise on techniques.

Another I invested in a Big Hair & I know have decent (not great) blow dry most days.

Also I went to bare minerals & had a make up lesson as well as the beauty college so I got different ideas & it looks more natural which I prefer. I’m now passable. Before I wasn’t. I’m fairly large (RA) so if I’m going anywhere fancy I wear my Spanx for a smoother look.

it’s shite feeling the way we do. I blame social media & airbrushed celebs. We can’t compete. I feel for the young girls who have so much pressure to look good.

The only other photo I’ve ever had where I looked ok was at a christening and I had sunglasses on and a fascinatior thing that basically covered half my face. So essentially...if I cover my face up almost entirely it’s not so bad

Social media doesn’t help it’s true.

I used to have a very critical inner voice - not just about how I looked, but everything about me. I saw a CBT therapist after suffering with PND & now I have the tools to tell that voice to shut up! It has really helped me not to dwell on the bad bits of me. I also make more of an effort to spend time with people who love me for me & less time with those negative people who just brought me down.

Quasi- I wanted to go and get my hair done in our local beauty salon. Avoided it for years, thinking that all the girls would be beautiful and so would all the customers be. Finally bit the bullet the other week and went in...the girls working there were certainly not all beautiful young models. Young/older/curvy/skinny. Some of them weren't even wearing make up! And the clients were just normal people!

Choose a couple of things about yourself you think you can improve and improve them. Eye brows are a good start because they do frame your eyes. Hair is another place to start. Be realistic - if your hair goes yellow then you aren't coping with the up keep of blonde hair. So change it!

Also:
What I have found helpful is recognising that being Facially Unfortunate does not stop people liking me, wanting to hang out with me, wanting to date me, giving me jobs, promoting me.... basically it doesn't hinder me, since I have no desire to be a model or actress. Would I prefer to be gorgeous? Yes! Can I do alright for myself with the face I got given? Yes! And so can you.

Amen to that! Brilliant post.

OP I’m by no way ‘pretty’, I have a wonky broken nose, a big chin, terrible skin, big boobs (until I take off my bra and they meet my belly button), love handles, and loads of stretch marks from my children. But I’ve always had male attention. I asked dp and exdp what their thoughts of me was, when you started this thread.

Exdp said his first memory of me was walking into the pub with my friends, smiling, and talking to everyone on my way to the bar. It seemed like I knew everyone, and everyone was talking and giving me a hug. (I personally can not remember that!).

Dp said in work watching me walk into a room, or down the corridor talking to everyone. It didn’t matter if they were the managing director or a cleaner. I spoke to everyone in the same way, when others would just ignore people. He said it was my confidence speaking to people.

So there you go, neither one noticed my looks at first, it was my behaviour that attracted them.

Maybe it's where I live, or the time of day I attend, but the women attending the beauticians round here are all 60s 70s no doubt having there whiskers and disappearing eyebrows sorted like me. The beauticians are very groomed but that's to be expected.

very few people are actually 'ugly'. Being attractive is massively down to how you perceive yourself and treat yourself. If you look after your skin and hair, your nails, teeth and body, you will start to look very attractive.

I'm at an age where I'm overweight, need glasses, have dry, wrinkled skin and thinning hair. Honestly, if I catch sight of myself in a mirror or shop window, 90% of the time I am horrified at the scowling fat hag in the reflection. But if I make an effort, put on make up, do my hair and wear contacts and nice clothes, I can turn heads and have DH skipping along proudly beside me telling me how beautifully I scrub up . Same person, different attitude to the raw material.

Stop focusing on what you think you look like. Instead, focus on feeling good inside - happy and confident, and on massively increasing your self care. Brows and nails can be done very cheaply. Use thickening conditioner on your hair to give it shine and body. Iron your clothes, stand up straight etc.

hi OP. I'm really ugly...probably bottom 5%. I even considered remaining childless because it didn't seem fair to inflict my looks on a kid!

But I have found getting older helpful - its levelled the playing field substantially! AND - I just care fantastically less about how I look...I mean I really genuinely don't feel the same pain at being ugly that I used to.

I also find it useful to contemplate how many of my IQ points I would give up in order to look fantastic...the answer turns out to be zero. I wouldn't change who I am to look better - that, I think, means something!

So how about you OP, would you sacrifice your brains or personality to look more attractive, or does it turn out the underneath it all you really do value who you are more than how you look?

How weird, M3lon. I've read a few posts of yours online and in my mind you are very glossy and glam!

The examples of women who are 'not photogenic' or 'not attractive' here are genuinely disturbing. They all look nice to me!

I really don't understand. I may not be personally attracted to a particular person, but that doesn't make them automatically fall into my 'unattractive' category? They just get filed away as average or normal or whatever in my brain.

I can only think of one person who I met who I thought was 'ugly' and it wasn't just how they looked - yes, they were very far from being conventionally good looking but their behaviour and lack of boundaries made me uncomfortable and suffocated.

Ugliness or otherwise is obviously subjective, but I think it's a bit disingenuous to pretend that you don't have any concept of what it actually is. I have gone through my whole life being told that I'm not pretty (and this thread has finally put a name to what happened to me when I was younger -pigging. Who knew it was so common it had its own name?). I can assure you that being ugly is a thing that exists, and it is rather frustrating to keep hearing that it's somehow all in my own head.

What would be better would be, instead of trying to convince us that we are all beautiful and special in our own way, if we could work on acknowledging that it doesn't matter what we look like and that beauty is a matter of luck and genetics, not a personal achievement.

I think there's very few beautiful or ugly people around. Most people float around in the middle looking better some days than others.

Yeah I think when you’ve been told how ugly you are so many times and been used as a ‘any hole’s a goal’ bet at university by drunk men plus on something that was beautifully termed a ‘beast quest’ you have to accept that you aren’t great in the appearance stakes!

Yes, that's the thing. Most people are somewhere in a wide, wide, wide middle ground.

That isn't denying the lived reality of some people who have been treated disgustingly badly by others mocking their looks. Some people are utter cruel bastards - also they are perhaps lacking in imagination, and have vacuous black and white ideas of beauty or prettiness that lots of other folks just don't share.

Couple that with the misogyny that pervades everything and of course some people will regularly experience bullying, mocking, negging that focuses on their looks.

I've been told lots of times.

They're the ugly ones, not you..
Where do people get off insulting people. Are they such perfect modelles or something.
How do they know their comment isn't the one that's going to push you over the edge. I wouldn't dream of opening my mouth. I've no right to.
I agree with pp. How are we defining attractive and ugly in any case.
Its only ever a matter of opinion not fact.

"Do you have a partner.".
Why does that matter.

This might sound daft but have you considered a really beautiful tattoo? Something to make you smile about yourself everytime you look at is

I have considered a tattoo, but then worry I might not like it so it would be worse? I’m not very brave.

People are mean, they are meaner when they are younger and in groups like at university but they still think it when they are older. They just hide it better or don’t say it. Generally people are not kind.

I have a tattoo, one that I got when I was in my 20s, and I put very little thought into it tbh - I just chose a design I liked from the artist's book! I do still like it now, but the key to that was having it on my back so I couldn't see it all the time. I look at it when I want to or when I remember - but these days, weeks can pass when I forget it's there! It's like a pleasant little surprise every so often. Maybe have something small on your shoulder blade?

I am yet to meet an ugly person, no body is ugly.
OP life is short don't be so hard on yourself, if you want you eyebrows done but dont want to go to a salon, try a mobile beauticians, lots who work from their home.
It is more intimate, raise your self-esteem when you feel proud, you feel good.

I'm a beautician and I would never judge my clients. We are supposed to look groomed because otherwise people would lack faith in our abilities.

I also agree that very few people are genuinely ugly.

Also, anyone who would actually have the cheek to tell someone else they're ugly is pathetic. And it says wayyyyyy more about them.