To be depressed at being so ugly?

[Quasimodo84]

I know it’s very superficial and what kind of person you are matters more - as per Roald Dahl and his bit about how nice people are never really ugly - but it’s so depressing.
I’ve always been low in the appearance stakes but it’s defintiely worse now youth isn’t even on my side. My parents are perfectly nice normal looking people so I’m not sure how it went so wrong!
Every time I see myself I could cry. Of course appearances aren’t everything, but it’s amazing how a lot of people who say that are quite attractive and don’t realise the privileges that come with being more than averagely attractive.
I suppose it’ll only get worse as I get older too, I just need to learn to not care!

OK so plan of action is: sort eyebrows, attempt to sort hair (likely will fail, I’ve tried lots of times before), fit in some exercise so legs and arms aren’t so untoned, get make up advice, possibly few new items of clothing. Then accept I’m still ugly and give up 😂

quasimodo, no! Don't 'accept' you are ugly. Apart from anything else, standards of attraction vary massively from decade to decade and in different places. When I was growing up, heart shaped faces were considered the prettiest. then came the era of Friends and Sex in the City and suddenly women with big square chins like SJP and Rachel from Friends were considered the most attractive. When my mum was growing up plump girls with dark curly hair were the sexiest (Elizabeth Taylor style) and she never believed it when her own poker straight hair and skinny body became the coolest thing in the Sixties and suddenly she was the sexy one. She never believed she was beautiful but she was.

All you need to do is take care of yourself. Good eyebrows, shiny hair, polished teeth, clear skin, get toned and tanned and most people will take a quick glance and think you look good. In some cultures heavy brows are cool, or hooked noses, in other cultures thin brows and turned up noses. There's no single style of beauty. But happiness and self confidence are phenomenally sexy when combined with good grooming.

lhw92 and quasimodo I am genuinely intrigued. What about your looks is actually quantifiably 'ugly'. How can you say you are in the lowest %? By what criteria is this judged?

I personally think the key is to find something about yourself that you like. I have a good figure that kind of offsets the shit hair, unplucked eyebrows, largish nose and very unphotogenic face Few people have everything if you look around I find that because of my figure people don't really notice the rest and I can look in a mirror and think I look okay

I think making an effort with your appearance really helps to make you look attractive, wearing nice clothes really really helps. I know when I wear drab clothes I feel horrible and drab, when I put on a bit of colour, clothes which suit my shape and some make up I feel so much better and it shows because I look happier. If you look happy you are half way there. I'm bigger than I was 3 years ago, I feel plump and middle aged but make up and bright clothes make me happy.
We are all more than just our looks but if we tweak our looks and it helps us feel confident than we will be happier.
I remember working with a girl who was a size 6, tall, and had model looks, I thought wow, she's gorgeous! After a few months I didn't notice her looks because I got to know her personality and to be honest, she was a bit of a bitch. I've always preferred the more alternative beauty's tbh.

I'm a bit older than you and have terrible thin hair that goes greasy so quickly it's depressing. I have a big 👃 and Im a bit chubby.
I took up a new physical hobby and it's made me feel more happy. I also have bought a Lumea for my hair problem that is starting to work.
Also I like having a quirky thing that people can make positive comment on, with me it's brooches or pin badges.

wood well no one has ever said I look nice or pretty. Ever. Even on my wedding day. ‘Smart’ is the closest adjective ever used by anyone to say I look ok. ‘You look smart’ isn’t really the same thing.
Many people have commented, not in a nasty way, that my face is unusually long (like a horse - I added that bit) and that my eyes aren’t level. When I go to the hairdressers they say my hair is very fine and difficult to style. I guess what I’m saying is having never received a compliment on appearance by the time you are aged 35 you know you’re fairly low down on the looks scale.

Oh and my mum said for years that I was too fat and then I lost a load of weight and now she says it’s made my face look even longer and I need to put some back on. You know it would go back round my stomach though, not where I want it.

all you need to do is take care of yourself. Good eyebrows, shiny hair, polished teeth, clear skin, get toned and tanned and most people will take a quick glance and think you look good.
If only it was that easy. I’ve spent thousands, endless time on products, treatments. I’m still ugly. This just doesn’t work for those of us who are truly ugly, it just doesn’t. It works for those of average looks. And like a pp said, I would kill (figuratively) to look average.

been used as a ‘any hole’s a goal’ bet at university by drunk men
And what did these men look like? Because their personalities are ugly as hell. Don't let a bunch of pricks like that determine your self esteem.

I just don't believe if I saw Quasi or Blag in the street I'd think 'wow what an ugly woman.'
People who 'pull a pig' or cross roads to tell you how ugly you are have a serious problem. Their opinions are beyond worthless. They are so valueless you can be glad they're not interested.

@woodcutbirds for me, it’s related to poor health, a greater than average lack of symmetry, plus hormonal imbalance.
I quite simply lost the genetic lottery haha

I have lots of chronic skin conditions, including one very rare condition affecting the mouth (according to my derm one of my conditions puts me at a high comorbidity with others)
A greater than average lack of symmetry, no one needs a perfectly symmetrical face at all but again my face is more uneven than the average person
Hormonal imbalance which causes obvious unsightly symptoms (relating to pcos) but I remember coming across a study which said hormones can also shape our facial features to an extent, and more attractive faces with associated with higher levels of oestrogen.

Gosh that was an embarrassingly long post about myself, I wanted to try to give an accurate answer, so you could understand it’s not a case of me fretting over being overweight with frizzy hair. I think it is a combination of those factors that make me ugly, also the severity of each. In other words, I definitely do not think having a hormonal or skin condition or bad symmetry alone would cause ugliness

Also, if you read my previous post in this thread (page 5 at 10:11) the way I have been treated by the public has confirmed I’m not blessed with looks

Because their personalities are ugly as hell. Don't let a bunch of pricks like that determine your self esteem.
I appreciate this comment
I don’t speak for others, but I find usually people who aren’t ugly would be surprised at how common that type of behaviour is - it’s not just a small group of school boys but also ‘mature’ professionals too

It reminds me of Germaine Greer’s comment “women don’t realise how much men hate us” (or something along those lines haha)
I guess one benefit of my appearance is that I feel I can more easily see the true personality of some people
There are of course some people who are very polite and can see my past my looks, not judging me at all

Similarly to ihl92 I lost the genetic lottery. I have awful skin, hair, odd face shape, massive chin and nose, lop-sided features. Also due to an inherited condition, i have minimal facial movement, so have very limited facial expressions. Think worst case resting bitch face, permanently. Like the wind changed and I was stuck looking like this.
I’ve grown used to it, so I’m more accepting of my looks, but I am still - objectively speaking - ugly. You could say I’m largely at peace with it, but sometimes it hits home and really cuts. Rarely because people are unkind (in the rare cases people are horrible, my standard response is ‘poor genetics’ - what’s the reason for your rudeness).
People are rarely as direct as that (although I had a nasty experience recently on a spa weekend), but more often they recoil when they see me.

Ah OP, I bet you anything you’re not ugly at all. You’re just being hard on yourself. Fake it until you feel it!!

To me the key is physical exercise. You don’t need to join a gym but every time I achieve something new - master a new posture in yoga, walk or run a bit further than I have before, do a Parkrun a little bit faster, lift a heavier weight, explore somewhere I’ve never been before - I feel truly epic. And i mean small incremental improvements that only matter to me, nothing earth shattering!

Physical exercise not only make you look better and sleep better, it also makes you feel so much better. There are days I swear I hear music after I’ve done something new / extra!!!!

Plenty of ideas on the exercise/ yoga boards.

Good luck op x

all you need to do is take care of yourself. Good eyebrows, shiny hair, polished teeth, clear skin, get toned and tanned and most people will take a quick glance and think you look good

Women maybe. Men don't. I've still been called ugly, by strange men, of differing ages, at different times, over the years. Which Is why I gave up trying to look nice.

There is literally nothing wrong with the way people look in their most natural state.

Your friends and your family won't be judging you on how attractive you are - they will see the unique arrangement of features and characteristics that make up you, and love you for it.
How often do you judge your friends and family for being ugly? If you're a halfway decent person it wouldn't even occur to you to do that, you just see a familiar face you love and are happy.
That's how people feel about you. So now you need to feel the same for yourself!
But, I am also a firm believer in exercise being good for the body and mind. So that would be my top tip!

I have been told -

1. I look manly
2. I look like a child
3. Look like Pinocchio (Big nose)
4. Look like I am still going through puberty
5. Called flatchested
6. Told by many a hairdresser that I have thin hair, impossible to style and a very dry scalp
7. A midget
8. Strange arms (Looks like I have broken both of them apparently)

I am definitely in the ugly category

I was also called ugly at school - it sticks with you your whole life so I’m on board with you there.
I had some male attention when younger but not a lot and it was usually when out so made up, etc. I’ve got (or had!) a good figure so I think that helped (not looking at the mantelpiece when stoking the fire?).
I did get married and have DCs - I worried they’d be ugly too but thankfully they’re not (and am
Not saying that just cos I’m their mum - they’re teens so grown into their adult faces pretty much!). My dh is ok looking objectively. Def not ugly but when he doesn’t shave, cut hair regularly he def looks less attractive to me so keeping up w appearance makes a difference.
What I do to ‘counter’ the ugliness are: have a good personality- I have great friends and have no issues making them as I’m friendly and loyal (and have an excellent sense of humour); wear make-up - not loads and am crap at it but look better with it on; have decent hair - cut and colour. Smile a lot - lol!
I still look in mirror and think - ugh - but as I’m
Getting towards 50 I suppose I am more invisible to those who may notice younger women for their looks so I just look like a not very attractive generic middle aged mum!

quas no its not shallow - I was interested in where in the journey to self acceptance and self-esteem you might be.

There have been times in the past when people have been cruel I would really have given anything to gain their approval.

But people on the thread are right. The approval of those who judge on appearance really isn't of value.

I honestly think you should focus on your self-esteem rather than your hair though....check out the hairdresser scene in fleabag for reference!

"If you want to change your life...change your life...it won't happen in a hairdressers!"

Coming from a purely hair and makeup angle:

• If you're hair is naturally yellow try a toning or purple shampoo. You can buy them in boots, Superdrug and most big supermarkets. Have a look on the box/bottle to see which shades it can tone and buy whichever suits you best.

If that doesn't work, then I would say a semi or even demi permanent hair dye would be a good place to start. They wash out in so many washes (semi depends on the brand but demi is usually 4-8 washes.)

• Following from that, see another stylist. If you're not happy with your hair then a stylist worth their salt should be able to agree a style with you that fits in with your lifestyle and that you're both happy with. Have a look on Pinterest for styles and colours, play around and see what you think.

• Don't underestimate having your eyebrows shaped. Waxing or threading. It can change you when they're shaped to suit your face. Have a tint put on afterwards and you're eyebrows are permanently done.

• Same goes for lashes. If you don't want extensions then try LVL. The treatment 'perms' and tints your eyelashes. Makes you look as though you have mascara/false lashes on and it last for a good while too. Opens your eyes and makes you look awake/fresh faced.

• I know you say that make-up intimidates you but it really needn't. A tinted moisturiser, some bronzer/blush, a little bit of lipgloss and as an everyday you're done.

• A decent face wash, moisturiser, lip balm and hand cream - find the ones for you and get into the habit of applying them religiously.

• You don't have to do a full fake tan. A light mist spray tan or even a gradual tanning lotion with a hint of colour will just warm your appearance up a little bit and make you feel healthier and more put together.

• With regards to clothing. If I'm stuck for an outfit I sit for 5 minutes with my eyes closed and picture myself wearing my absolute ideal outfit what I feel comfortable and confident in.

If you feel the picture in your mind is too far outside your comfort zone, then make slight adjustments (jeans instead of skirt, long sleeves instead of short...) and look online for ideas. It takes a little while but soon enough adapting your 'ideal' outfit to you will be second nature.

Can I also suggest dermablend foundation to those who have prominent scars, discolouration on bags.

It's a stage foundation so you only need a tiny, tiny bit but it covers everything like a dream.
I believe it's only available online, but they give you a really comprehensive colour chart to match yourself too.

Have a look online for reviews and videos - it's a game changer!

DuchessOfRednecks

To have experienced life as a beautiful woman, really, exceptionally beautiful, that would have opened doors and oiled the wheels or every introduction, new beginning, brave risk, new job, break up, rejection, you NAME it

Have you seen the way some women react around other, more attractive women? They can be brutal! Seething with jealousy and insecurity. And I think very attractive people often take rejection terribly! They just cannot handle it that someone might not want them. Yes, good looking people often have a smoother ride in life, but not always.

The hair style that works for me is a bob with it slightly longer at the front than the back. That way it doesn't get straggly at the back but I have enough hair for it not to look even thinner. I have it cut every 6 weeks. I can't grow it long, it looks shocking.

Mine goes greasy very quickly too, modern dry shampoo is helpful and I sometimes use it straight after a wash for prevention/ to make hair look thicker. On the positive side at least its quick to dry, 5 minutes from out of the shower.....