To be depressed at being so ugly?

[Quasimodo84]

I know it’s very superficial and what kind of person you are matters more - as per Roald Dahl and his bit about how nice people are never really ugly - but it’s so depressing.
I’ve always been low in the appearance stakes but it’s defintiely worse now youth isn’t even on my side. My parents are perfectly nice normal looking people so I’m not sure how it went so wrong!
Every time I see myself I could cry. Of course appearances aren’t everything, but it’s amazing how a lot of people who say that are quite attractive and don’t realise the privileges that come with being more than averagely attractive.
I suppose it’ll only get worse as I get older too, I just need to learn to not care!

This australian lady improved her looks with face exercises.
Not sure if there is anything there that this might help with but she is quite inspiring. Unfortunately she now has adverts at the start of her videos.

And i can well believe that conventionally good-looking people have more opportunities in life - or that opportunities come more easily to them, perhaps - because people can be shallow fuckers. But not everyone is a shallow fucker over everything, all of the time.

I never look at fotos of myself if people have captured me unguarded - I look like a witch with a double chin. A lot of the social media type stuff is posed and staged , it can get you down if you think people actually look like that in real life .

myinner they might have more opportunities but for women especially that's so often a double-edged sword too.

eg not getting taken seriously, being used by men, never developing as a person because you just coast by on your looks etc.

I want to validate your feelings. Although it's possible that it's not as bad as you think, we don't know that and I don't want to make you feel like you're not being heard. Although people generally won't be as focused on your looks as you are, it's certainly possible to be below average.

I think you need a combination of focusing on other things, and also maybe changing anything that can be changed easily like basic light foundation etc. I still wear I guess old fashioned foundation - no primer or contouring - and it evens my skin enough for me to feel socially acceptable.

I used to be above average. Now I'm still ok I think but plainer and have glasses, and people definitely reacted differently when I was beautiful - not always in a good way, but it's a thing. I actually prefer being more average, but I can see that getting negative reactions would be hard. That said I was once called ugly at school and I was above average to most people in my teens and early twenties so it's possible for people to be wrong/jealous for some reason/ bullies picking up on lack on confidence etc.

And being pale really isn't an issue. There's a good peach scented gradual tanner moisturiser (Garnier summer body?), but I'll happily go without it most of the time and I'm really pale. That's never made me feel ugly.

Sadly 'ugly' is often much more often imposed on people by themselves than something imposed by others. I mean, how often do you see someone and think 'Wow, they're ugly!'? Hardly ever I think for most people.

I have to go to a wedding in a couple of weeks. I struggle with functions like that when everyone else looks lovely AND I will have to be on photos. I know no one will care really, focus is of course, as it should be,on the bride. I KNOW that, but I’d like to look nice for myself, not for anyone else.

I hear you OP! Non-ugly people really don't realise what an advantage they have. I have had people cross over the road just to tell me how ugly I am. My face isn't and never has been symmetrical (I know this is common but in most people you barely notice whereas mine is very noticeable). I am now losing my hair which is depressing - without hair I actually tip over into "freakish". HOWEVER, I definitely look more normal (can't aim at beautiful) if I dress well and do my hair so I try and do that. But I really understand your feelings - you are not alone!

eg not getting taken seriously, being used by men, never developing as a person because you just coast by on your looks etc.
Gosh what sexist rubbish!
Being beautiful doesn’t mean you can’t be nice and smart also.

ghana and where the actual fuck did I say that was the case?

Did I say 'every single attractive person is a big idiot who never develops'?

No, I didn't.

Op, I wonder if you have some mental health issues? I've genuinely met an ugly person, unless it's their personality, and I also doubt your hair is lurid yellow. As you have kids, unless it was artificial insemination, someone found you attractive.

So I suspect this is not actually about how you actually look, but what your mind is telling you.

I'd actually maybe speak toyour doctor and discuss your feelings with them. Wanting to cry when you look at yourself is no way to live.

You made a lazy generalisation.
Also you seem unreasonably angry.

Ghana her post clearly was about how some people perceive beautiful women and treat them. You are being lazy just jumping on for a fight.

People do make assumptions, mem do make suggestive comments, its much easier to be average-looking on balance.

its Incredibly unfair but life is easier if you’re conventionally attractive. If you’re not and are bothered by it you need to work on being confident kind dress well etc. I used to be effortlessly good looking but as I age if I want to even look ok need to make a real effort which is a pain. Or work on not caring is the other option!

@Teateaandmoretea
My opinion is just as valid as previous poster and your assertion that it’s better to be average looking is also your experience.
I don’t dwell on my looks but being pretty has definitely been a positive experience for me.

Glad to hear it ghana as you say, we all just have our own experience. Perhaps you're younger than some of us and things have changed. I had a very good looking work colleague, I once went into a pub with her and the first thing that happened was some bloke leering across her and saying 'are those real'. Now nothing like that has ever happened to me.....

The pp was clearly just giving a view of how some people see it though rather than denigrating attractive women but if that's wrong in your experience then fair enough.

To the poster who said ‘at 50 my face tells me all I’ve been through and who I am’ - what a wonderful phrase and attitude. I’m stealing that.
Op, you sound like you need a huge dose of confidence. If I look at all the attractive people that people graduate towards, they don’t all physically look the same. They give off an air of confidence, of kindness, of laughter, of interest in others. Some of the most popular people I know aren’t classically good looking and/or have physical idiosyncrasies (big mole, scars etc).

The physical advice on make up etc might be good. I always feel better with a veneer. But you need to start frolmthe inside. Can you access some counselling to get to grips with this self loathing. You might have a face like the back end or a bus but if you are fun and kind and engaging people will want to be with you. I fancy lots of people who might not be categorised as classically attractive, usually because they funny or have the right politics that also fire me. Find your inner strengths and wear them. You’ll find you won’t need make up as much when you can sling on your confidence coat.

We could be so much more if we just accepted the skin we're in and got on with it.

I like the sentiment, but as an ugly woman I think you’re being a bit naive. I really wish it were that easy

Being ugly hasn’t just been about lacking attention and missing out on the benefits of being attractive. I would love to just get on with my life but I’m constantly reminded and ‘put in my place’ for my ugliness. This discrimination has happened repeatedly throughout life for e.g., bullying, street harassment from strangers, pigging (men asking me out as a prank), work colleagues and friends making subtle comments, oh and most recently someone took a snapchat of me whilst on the train

In my experience it’s more often average women who would get insecure about lacking positive attention/approval and going unnoticed compared to more traditionally gorgeous women. Whilst I’m on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, I would love to look boring/plain/average so I can get on with my life without people commenting etc.

Gosh I terribly worded my last post wish we had an edit button
I probably should have put *comparing themselves to
If that makes any sense 🤷‍♀️

I know someone who is very very attractive but she's so horrible that she is really ugly. I've never seen it so starkly before, she goes from a 10 to a 0 by her actions and the reverse is true as well. The only thing I find genuinely off putting in a persons appearance is poor hygiene and dirty teeth.

I looked at pictures of Joseph Gordon Levitts wife and my first thought was "oh, with his money he can do better than that" which was ridiculous of me. She doesn't wear makeup all the time and not a hint of self tan - her legs are white as paper (in LA) but look closer and she's got a spunky quality that makes her very attractive.

But I do think that dressing in nice clean smart clothes, being very presentable and smiley does make a huge difference. You might initially think ‘oh that’s a big nose/wonky eye’ when you first see someone but as you get to know them you will notice all the other things about them including their personality

I have one eye slightly more closed than the other and numerous people have pointed it out. Like I wouldn’t have noticed myself and that info was so helpful thanks
Some people are just mean

Joseph Gordon Levitt's wife is lovely !! how can anyone include her in a thread about ugliness. And when I was last in California everyone looked like a ghost. They ahve those skin peels which remove darkened skin/blemishes etc so white skin is desirable. (imv they remove everything so your face looks quite masklike but many had ruined their skin with too much sun so this is an improvement in their view).The extreme's of fashion and make up you get here are not found in much of the US.

By the time you are in your thirties I think style and hair are far more important than actual looks. Dye your hair maybe? Stylish cut? Make up (I rarely wear none - makes me, quite plain really, much much better). For me it's all about looking interesting rather than beautiful.