To be depressed at being so ugly?

[Quasimodo84]

I know it’s very superficial and what kind of person you are matters more - as per Roald Dahl and his bit about how nice people are never really ugly - but it’s so depressing.
I’ve always been low in the appearance stakes but it’s defintiely worse now youth isn’t even on my side. My parents are perfectly nice normal looking people so I’m not sure how it went so wrong!
Every time I see myself I could cry. Of course appearances aren’t everything, but it’s amazing how a lot of people who say that are quite attractive and don’t realise the privileges that come with being more than averagely attractive.
I suppose it’ll only get worse as I get older too, I just need to learn to not care!

I have felt how you feel OP.

And I used to HATE it when people said "you need to love yourself" or "everyone is beautiful in their own way" (even though these things are true).

But a word to the wise - I changed lots of the things I hated about my looks and started to get the attention I thought I wanted and it didnt make me happier, I felt even worse because I thought feeling like I looked good would fix everything.

My earth came shattering down the first day I looked in the mirror and thought "oh I actually look ok" instead of feeling disgusted and self loathing. Because I really thought it'd make everything better and it didn't.

What I'm trying to say is as much as it sounds like bollocks at the moment (and I know it does) it will do you the world of good to look at why you feel this way - it's taken me years of counselling and pretty painful self awareness to make my peace with my looks. I even think I am pretty sometimes and then feel like I must be wrong.

People who haven't felt how you do now won't understand, but I do. Sorry this is a rambling post but I just want you to know you can come out the other side and feel ok - I wasted the best part of 25 years hating my appearance. I could have spent so much of that time having fun and enjoying life.

I still battle the thoughts about my looks on bad days but seem to care less about them, I used to be all consumed with self disgust and I feel so sad now looking back at a nice girl who was so very sad about herself :(

I bet you're a nice girl and I hope you find a way to not be sad anymore xx

I am very ugly too so I can relate.
I have a pointy, long nose, flatchested, hamster like cheeks, bloated tummy as I have colitis and look like a kid. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you know you are physically unattractive.
I rip up photos of myself and refused to be a bridesmaid for my friend as her sister's are all model looking gorgeous and I didn't want to be the ugly bridesmaid and ruin the photos 😐

I hate reading people say they think they are ugly it’s really sad. Also awful for other people to tell people they are ugly

I don’t really know what level of attractiveness I am to be honest, I have plenty of flaws I try to cover up! I have bad dark pigmentation on my face, sausage fingers and I am a chunky monkey in recent years but if I go out I try to just feel good, even if no one is telling me or giving me any attention over it. I try to tell myself what bits are nice - ok looking boobs and nice eyes. Could people try that? Not all this ‘loving yourself’ but just focusing and highlighting the bits you do like the most?

Also when I was thinner, tanned etc years back I was really miserable. I got wrong kinds of attention (gross men being gross) and it was demoralising and honestly I feel better now I just accept the bits that aren’t so great as I do have other things going for me (a brain).

Saying all this I made an effort for the first time in months last night and some guy aggressively threw his phone at me after I flicked a paper straw at him which hit me in the tit. He was very drunk and then accused me of trying to seduce him . I took my nice boobs and sausage fingers and left

Oh OP I am sorry you feel like this. I have facial deformity, I was born with it, it sucks.

However, I am married and have two beautiful, non facially deformed, children, and I am happy. I am not happy with my looks, obviously, who would be happy with facial deformity ffs, but my life is still good. I have few friends, but I do have a career. I think my facial deformity has held me back in lots of ways, particularly career wise, so I’m not dismissing or undermining your feelings.

I hope you feel better soon. You deserve happiness.

I hate to be rude but wish people wouldn’t stop lying about “no one is ugly” it’s all about personality etc

I have to echo the above and wish people, albeit trying to be kind, wouldn't post this rubbish about personality blah. Some people ARE conventionally less attractive than others and posting such patronising rubbish doesn't help them. Practical advice does, to be blunt.

Hi OP - my sister is what could be deemed aesthetically 'ugly'. Long face with sharp, pointed features, large nose. Yes she's a beautiful person inside but that didn't help her when she literally couldn't look at herself in the mirror.

What did help her was YouTube and Instagram - lots of make up tutorials that taught her how to soften her nose, elongate her eyes etc. She absolutely is 100% more confident now she knows how to apply her make-up/style her hair. She's so good at applying make-up now if I'm going out she does mine

It's absolutely NOT right that we are 'judged' on our appearance but the fact is we are.

Coupled with you are unhappy - no amount of 'I'm sure you're not ugly, you're a beautiful person inside' platitudes make an iota of difference.

I should change my name but no time. OP you are not alone. I'm older and there are days when I really do not want to step outside. I've never been the one who gets a compliment, never not even on my wedding day. Now my hair is thinning badly and I'm looking even worse. The only thing that helps is counting my blessings and then I feel really bad at my poor me feelings when there are others out there who would genuinely say I'll swap you.

There's no way you are ugly. Looks are so subjective. What's attractive to one person isn't to another. And you can bet there will be plenty out there who will consider you attractive. That's goes for everyone. I think.

"Smily kind people are NEVER ugly."

Rubbish, Facial symmetry cares not whether you smile or not. I'm smily and kind and butt ugly, fortunately I'm clever so it doesn't matter much and even less as I age. People who are beautiful have something to lose, poor them.

I agree with lailaday - all this 'everyone is beautiful' stuff is such bullshit, we all know it's not how it works in reality. Or is it just a massive coincidence that famous people are all more than averagely good-looking?

Yes, our looks matter and that fucking sucks, but it's just true. Luckily, it's also just one facet of our lives and our selves.

I don't think you necessarily need to focus on improving your looks. Just focus on other bits of your life to give you confidence. Get good at other things. I am a teacher and I teach some kids who are really attractive but have not much else going for them, and some who are less so but are really good at piano, drawing, sports etc. It's about developing this inner sense of self.

We can just accept that society is unfairly biased towards attractive people while also not letting that define us 100%.

I'm maybe a bit above average looks-wise, and some days I really try to make an effort and then everyone goes 'wow, you look great' and some days I barely brush my hair and everyone goes 'wow, you look exhausted'. And I try to just accept that, whatever they think of me, it doesn't affect my inner core. I am still me, whether I have eyeliner on or not.

Something I heard years ago stuck with me, though lord knows I don't put it into practice as I should. It questioned why we can be so kind and understanding to others and so unforgiving of ourselves. Same goes for looks. You meet people who hate how they look but you are actually thinking what amazing eyes, or great smile, lovely thick hair or the warmth they seem to have that lights them up.

The real pity is how we can let our perception of ourselves dictate how we live. I am constantly a stone or two away from feeling like I can be truly confidant or able to do x, y or z. Its a waste and it would be great if we could all just go out and do those things and think sod it.

I am sure OP, that you are much harder on yourself than anyone ever could be. When it comes to beauty though, I think most of us know what features we like and dislike about ourselves and we use make up, (tricks like contouring and how to emphasize whatever you think your best feature is and enhance/hide the feature you least like) clothing, jewellery and accessories. Most importantly work on your self esteem and confidence for no one but you.

On a side note my 10y olds told me I look like Fiona the ogre from Shrek. Lol.

Reading more of your messages I honestly get the impression you aren’t ugly but have serious issues with how you see yourself. Have you thought to discuss this with a GP? Even people who are actually ugly can look in a mirror and have pictures taken. You’ve listed things like uneven breasts- we all have that! Yes it’s more noticeable in some than others. Despite all women having in even breasts I’ve never ever noticed anyone in real life looking uneven, there’s a medical condition when there’s a drastic size difference but with padding no one knows. Varacus viens? Join half the female community and who is looking closely at your legs? Pale skin which can’t be faked tanned, I think pale can look just as nice as brown and a million times nicer than orange!

Please get some help

Have you read about this? My good friend has it but it took her a long time to accept it’s BDD rather than her being so awful looking (she really isn’t, it was triggered by bullying). en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

Hi op

I sincerely doubt you're ugly. In my twenties I was a make up artist/stylist, so I'll try and give you some ideas that might make things like cosmetics less scary.

Do you have a Sephora near you? Book in for a make up lesson.
Your hair, a box colour from a supermarket won't kill it! Experiment!

You can always try these too. Nak have a range of colour masques that you simply condition your hair with. They aren't permanent and it's an easy way to play with hair colour.

nakhaircare.co.uk/conditioner/nak-colour-masque-rosewood-452.html

Go on to Mecca.com.au. They have LOADS of really simply tutorials. If you can't decide on what make up to buy my best advice is to stick with Hourglass, Laura Mercier or Sephora's own brand. Narrow it down to one or two brands like I've said and match the products in the same brand.

You don't need to contour! You can do basic make up without any contouring. Don't let things like that freak you out. If I was starting out with make up I would get a nice primer, the Laura Mercier mineral powder foundation (and brush, very easy to buff over your skin evenly), mascara, a blush and a neutral lipstick.

Nobody is perfect !
Love yourself first
Life is not all about appearance
It's about being kind, funny, interested in life, enjoy life, confident etc

Find colours, clothes that are comfortable & that you like

Do things that you enjoy

I don't wear make up or dye my hair
I am not pretty, I'm just me
I would rather spend my time , money & energy doing my favourite hobbies that I enjoy

It's all about your priorities

The older you get, the less you worry what other people think

I recently saw a girl I had taught years ago. At school, she was not a raging beauty, with buck teeth her parents couldn't afford to fix, pasty skin, uneven features, stringy hair, lumpy figure. She looked amazing! She had had her teeth done, had a gorgeous haircut, immaculate makeup - she was still not conventionally pretty, but had acquired a certain je ne sais quoi, real style...as the French say, a "jolie laide".

I’m very ugly, OP. And before anyone mentions body dysmorphia, or not really bring that ugly, I really am - strangers actually recoil at me. I’ve largely come to terms with it, but sometimes, when others are honest about my appearance, it can all come up again.
I hear you OP. But, truly, physical appearance is only part of what makes us attractive. It’s a very very hard thing to accept about yourself, and not everyone else sees beauty inside.

Sounds like body dysmorphia. If you cant look in a mirror. Have you thought of counselling op?

I love how different people look. I know plenty of people who aren’t classic beauties and they look just fab as they are. Spots and big noses, pale uneven skin, overweight etc. They are people like anyone else and when I see them dolled up I often get a shock and honestly don’t think they look better than they do as just themselves.

The problem here is not how you look, it’s how the world tells you you should look.

Society - rightly or wrongly - puts a value on beauty and always has. It’s the first thing you notice about someone, their appearance and people make judgements quickly based on that. It’s human nature.

My poor mother took me to have a portrait done when I was about 8 and the artist went on about my ‘incredibly long nose’ and the ‘unusual shape’ of my face. Unfortunately it hasn’t got any better! I have a witch’s nose. Teeth aren’t great, had braces on the top but not the bottom and should really have had the bottom ones done too as now they all stick out. Like a donkey? Eyes aren’t symmetrical, one is higher than the other. Skin is vile, weird tone to it and always looks greasy. Hair is snap on Lego yellow hair as previously mentioned 😂😭. Body isn’t toned, arms are horrific and legs no better and I’m very very pale so wearing a dress or anything without sleeves is out.
Basically - none of it’s good!
After typing that I’m inclined to pull the covers back over my head and never go out again!

Being beautiful is overrated I think I’d prefer to be super confident instead

I’m very very pale so wearing a dress or anything without sleeves is out.

Eh? Bollocks to that! Bit of suncream and wear what you like. If you look around, you will notice everyone else is doing it.

'Ugly' is such a weird concept. Of course there are people who are more or less physically attractive, in terms of the traits we've been genetically and/or socially conditioned to respond to positively. I have some features which put me in the former and others which put me firmly in the latter category. I guess they even out. But 'ugly' is such a harsh, loaded word, and of course I take note of other people's attractiveness or otherwise (and there is always a significant subjective component), but I just can't imagine that normal, well-adjusted people go round as a matter of course thinking of others as 'ugly'.

It's also true that people who are at peace with who they are radiate a centredness and energy (because that energy is not directed anxiously elsewhere) which generates an attractiveness which is stronger IMO than any real or perceived deficits in their physical features. It's not about 'everyone is beautiful'. It's more that everyone has the potential to have an aura, a charisma that is aligned with who they are. Life experiences, of course, make that more difficult for some than for others.

Hearing people describe their bodies as 'vile', 'horrific' etc makes me feel so sad.

Are there parts of me I would change if I could, quickly and without money? Of course.

But there is no part of me that I have ever thought of as 'horrific'. In fact, I don't remember ever looking at another human being and thought 'horrific' in regards to their appearance.

It makes me really sad when my perfectly lovely friends spend hours criticising every inch of their bodies, fat arse, bingo wings, chubby thighs etc etc. The number of hours wasted on dieting and binging and make up and contouring etc etc.

We could be so much more if we just accepted the skin we're in and got on with it.