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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Too young' for him?

166 replies

fanvolvi · 26/05/2019 08:25

BF's family has made comments about me being 'too young' for him.
I haven't met them yet, but I am this month.
I'm even more apprehensive to now I know their view.
I'm 19, he's 26/27.
Is this something that they'll just get used to or am I always going to feel a bit judged for the age difference right now?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 26/05/2019 08:27

You are too young for him, but that reflects on him, not you.

At 19 your brain hasn’t finished developing yet, whereas his has. Frankly, it’s rather creepy of him

sirmione16 · 26/05/2019 08:29

Depends. How long have you been together?

The thing is, your lives need to be in the same place for it to work. For example at 27-30 some guys are wanting to settle down, house and family, whereas at 19-22 you're probably not. Then I'd argue you're "too young" if you see what I mean

Original poster
fanvolvi · 26/05/2019 08:30

@sirmione16 a few months now. I've already got a child (as does he) so I don't think we're on such different pages!

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 26/05/2019 08:31

Is he 26 or 27?

I'd say a teenager is too young for an adult in their mid/late 20s but it depends on a lot of factors.

When DH and I were in our mid/late 20s we were getting engaged & married then ds came along before I was 29.

At 19 I'd have had no interest in all of that.

Original poster
fanvolvi · 26/05/2019 08:32

@kaytee87 few days off 27.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 26/05/2019 08:33

He's too old for you but it's not you they're judging.

pilates · 26/05/2019 08:33

You’re two adults, I can’t see the problem and it’s certainly not creepy.

sirmione16 · 26/05/2019 08:33

@HermioneWeasley I think this post is unfair. I met my OH at 19, I was in a well paid job saving for a mortgage, living on my own, wanting to settle down and have a family within the next 5 years. That all happened because my now DH was 25 when we met and wanting the same things. We now have a joint mortgage, pets and a 4 month old. We're financially stable, in a lovely area. People are surprised when I say how young I am. I think it wholly depends on the person. At 19, some people have done a hell of a lot of growing up than others. Trust me on that.

PositiveVibez · 26/05/2019 08:33

Queue onslaught of mners coming on and saying they were 17 when they met their 40 year old husband and they are still ecstatically happy together 20 years later 🙄.

Maybe because you're still a 'teen' I suspect you have only just turned 19, or you would have said you're nearly 20, which makes it sound a bit creepier.

When I was about 18, I went out with a 28yo.

In hindsight, I can never see why he wanted a relationship with me. I was rather immature and it now makes me feel a bit ick.

I would hate my dd dating someone who was nearly a decade older whilst she was in her teenage years.

Lemoneeza · 26/05/2019 08:33

There's every chance they will get used to you. But if you are both happy then I wouldn't worry too much about their approval anyway.

BlackToothpaste · 26/05/2019 08:34

How do you know they said this? Did he tell you? Why?

Wildorchidz · 26/05/2019 08:35

I expect the fact that you have had a baby by the age of 19 may be an issue for them rather than your age -
is it his parents you are referring to?
What age is your child? And what age is his child and does he have contact with his child?

Shutuptodd · 26/05/2019 08:36

I would say he was too old for you. Then again my mum had me at 16 and my dad was 28 they were together until he died so it can work.

Breeindisguise · 26/05/2019 08:37

I'm 44 now but I was 19 when I met my H and he was 28. He wasn't, isn't and never has been creepy! And we are still together!

Original poster
fanvolvi · 26/05/2019 08:37

@BlackToothpaste just said it in passing as kind of a funny comment, but it stuck with me!

@Wildorchidz he'd had a baby at 17, same as me. He's really close with his child.

OP posts:
Cariadne · 26/05/2019 08:40

I’m sorry but I agree with your family. It’s no reflection on you or your maturity or anything like that, but one day you will be 27 and you will realise that normal, non-creepy blokes seeking fair and equal relationships are not remotely interested in teenagers.

There is a reason he can’t or won’t go out with people his own age, and the usual reason is that these men are looking for relationships where they get to leverage their age and experience as a way of getting what they want.

Maybe you really feel that isn’t the case here - but in my experience there are no good men who would even consider dating a teenager who is nearly a decade younger than them.

Birdie6 · 26/05/2019 08:42

I met DH when I was 17 and he was 28. We were - and still are - on the same page , and he was never creepy ! We've been together for 16 years so I'm quite sure it can work. Best wishes to you !

Original poster
fanvolvi · 26/05/2019 08:42

@Birdie6 thank you! Thanks

OP posts:
gingajewel · 26/05/2019 08:46

Jeez people are so judgemental!! I was 17 when I met my oh and am now 35 with two kids and still with him! If your happy your happy, why people think the age gap is so bad is beyond me!

TidyDancer · 26/05/2019 08:50

You need to pay very close attention to the post by @Cariadne as that's exactly why this is an issue. Regardless of your parenting experience and how mature you feel, you are at an age where a significant age difference matters. It's not you getting involved with a 27-year-old man that's iffy, it's the 27-year-old man getting involved with a teenager that is questionable.

There will be exceptions and it may be that he is very immature himself rather than creepy.

PoodleJ · 26/05/2019 08:54

It really does depend on what you’re up to in life I was 20 when I met my 27 year old, now husband. I’d lived away at uni for 3 years my husband has left home 2 weeks before meeting me.
On paper ages can look very different to the reality of the situation. 20+ years later we’re still happy.

Dinosauraddict · 26/05/2019 08:57

@fanvolvi, I don’t normally comment on AIBU threads, but wanted to in this instance. When I had just turned 19 I met someone who was 26. I was worried I was ‘too young’ for him, I remember being particularly worried that his friends would take the piss out of him/he would be embarrassed to introduce me to them. Honestly it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Fast forward nearly a decade, we’re still together, we’re married, we bought a house and have 3 dogs. I’ve graduated (from a couple degrees) and we both have v good careers. We have been TTC for a while. The age was never an issue because we are a good team. (I do mock his 80s references though, and we have a slightly different taste in films!) So honestly, if it feels ‘right’ ignore anyone saying it’s creepy. 7 year gap is perfectly normal, and when you’re mid twenties and he’s early 30s no-one would blink an eyelid!

Original poster
fanvolvi · 26/05/2019 08:59

@Dinosauraddict yes, I've worried about the same thing. Thank you for taking the time to reply!!!

OP posts:
Langrish · 26/05/2019 08:59

6 years between my husband and I. Seemed a larger gap when we were younger but at 61 and 55 it’s absolutely nothing.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 26/05/2019 09:01

I met my DH at 18, he was 24 so there's over 6 years between us. 9 years later we are happily married with our first baby on the way. It's your relationship and your both adults. They'll come around.

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