'Too young' for him?

[fanvolvi]

BF's family has made comments about me being 'too young' for him.
I haven't met them yet, but I am this month.
I'm even more apprehensive to now I know their view.
I'm 19, he's 26/27.
Is this something that they'll just get used to or am I always going to feel a bit judged for the age difference right now?

From Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft:

• He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.

One way that this warning sign manifests itself is in cases of men who are attracted to women (or girls) who are much younger than they are. Why, for example, does a twenty-two-year-old man pursue a sixteen-year-old adolescent?
Because he is stimulated and challenged by her? Obviously not. They are at completely different developmental points in life with a dramatic imbalance in their levels of knowledge and experience. He is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look up to him with awe and allow him to lead her. Of course, he usually tells her the opposite, insisting that he wants to be with her because of how unusually mature and sophisticated she is for her age.
He may even compliment her on her sexual prowess and say how much power she has over him, setting up the young victim so that she won’t recognize what is happening to her. Even without a chronological age difference, some abusive men are drawn to women who have less life experience, knowledge, or self-confidence, and who will look up to the man as a teacher or mentor.
I have had quite a number of clients over the years who are attracted to women who are vulnerable because of recent traumatic experiences in their lives, including many who have started relationships by helping a woman break away from an abusive partner and then start to control or abuse her themselves. Some abusive men seek out a woman who comes from a troubled or abusive childhood, who has health problems, or who has suffered a recent severe loss, and present themselves as rescuers. Be alert for the man who seems to be attracted to power imbalances.

Link to the book
OP, nobody here can know if the red flag actually means that this man is a wrong un, but in itself it is a red flag. So that's where the comments are coming from.

Maybe you really feel that isn’t the case here - but in my experience there are no good men who would even consider dating a teenager who is nearly a decade younger than them

He's 8 years older. That's nothing. Most of my family and friends have 3-9 yrs age gaps, one sister has a 20yr age gap. OP is a grown woman not a child and can decide for herself who she sleeps with. I mean, let's face it, on MN that's pretty much what people say when anyone moans about their 16yr old having a sex life.

DH is 8yrs older than me. When I was 10 and he was 18 that would have been creepy, when I was 27 and he was 35 we got married - obviously no one batted an eyelid, now we are 58 and 66 no-one even cares.

You have an 8 year age gap. It matters more or less at different ages. 10 and 18, no. 20 and 28 OK, 25 and 32, fine, 40 and 48 maybe, 50 and 58 ok, 65 and 73 maybe not, 70 and 78, no. I'm coming up to 70, so I'm thinking about me at those ages.

you think I should ditch my husband of 32yrs when I get to 65?

No, you're not too young. Don't worry about the judgmentalism on here, or in his family.

Theres a similar age gap between dh and i (about 7 years and 8 months) although I was older than the OP - i was 26 to his 34 nearly 35. Weve been together 13 years now and married 11 years.

Tbh noone ever batted an eyelid about the age gap but if i had met him at 19 I wouldn't have even considered dating him - mainly because i was a young 19 and what i thought i wanted from a partner was different then to what experience has taught me now. I havent noticed any particular issues as weve got older with there being an age gap - ask me again in 17 years time when he can retire and ive got 7/8 years to work!!

@nokidshere almost identical to me.

I do remember laughing years ago when we worked out when dh passed his driving test i was still at junior school. But generally it doesnt ever come up now.

Pretty much said the same as Teddybear below. That would be my concern as a parent.

@BogglesGoggles @Youngandfree Thank you for the genuine responses.

I’m in a relationship with a man 20 years older and am very happy (I am early 30s though!) - I think age is just a number, it all depends on the people involved and what they want, where they are in life etc. Obviously this is contingent on everyone being over 18 as a base line!

I'm 40 my husband is 51. Been married 20 years

DH is 14 years older than me, I met him at 22 and we've been happy for 22 years now. Mum and dad were the same. My brother's wife is 14 years older than him. Age gaps aren't necessarily a problem if you're mentally in a similar stage of life and you share similar values.

Mind you the guy I dated at 19 was a total bell end and he was 9 years older than me. Glad that one didn't work out.

Go meet them, the probably just assume you are an immature 19 yo.
You're already a DM, with life experience.
I don't think it is a big gap gap.
My Dsis meet her DH at 19 he was 32, they're happily married and together nearly 20 years.

Married a 30 year old when I was 20. Still very happily married after 43 years and 5 DDs. Everyone said it wouldn't last, so ignore the naysayers OP.

Why, for example, does a twenty-two-year-old man pursue a sixteen-year-old adolescent?
Because he is stimulated and challenged by her? Obviously not

I don't see why that is obvious. I'd be quite disappointed if my 16-year-old was so obviously unable to stimulate and challenge someone just a few years older then him/her.

Ignore everyone and get a dog.
People talk shit.

Does you BF care what his parents think about the age gap? I don’t think that’s been asked?!

Personally I don’t think it’s creepy in the slightest. You both have similar life experiences as PPs have said but even then regardless of the ‘teen’ at the end of your age your an adult.
My story.. quite different but I really liked a 29 year old guy when I was 17. He said although he liked me I was too young and off he went. Years later we reconnected, when I was 28 and now we are married with a little one. I don’t know if I was really mature as a teenager but I was never into the whole partying, clubbing, drinking scene. Even at 28 though his friends were a bit funny about our age gap... until they met me. They seemed to think that all late twenty year olds were still into partying... because they were at that age.

End of they day everyone is individual and yes there are common statistics and all that stuff but you know who you are and so does he. You like each other, you have things in common and you’re happy. Screw what anyone else thinks!!! X