'Too young' for him?

[fanvolvi]

BF's family has made comments about me being 'too young' for him.
I haven't met them yet, but I am this month.
I'm even more apprehensive to now I know their view.
I'm 19, he's 26/27.
Is this something that they'll just get used to or am I always going to feel a bit judged for the age difference right now?

It’s not creepy. The posters saying that are the creepy ones. Says more about them than it does him.

As long as you have equal power (he being older has the likely advantage of being better off than you with fewer demands on his time and money), and you have a healthy, happy and equitable relationship, I don't see the issue.
I met my DH at 19, he was 26. I didn't feel he was too old for me and neither did my family. Younger men didn't appeal--too immature. He was the best partner I ever had-loving, loyal, dedicated.
Go for it!

Some people are talking as though 19 was 14! 19 yos are adults and there’s nothing creepy about one going out with a 26 yo, who is also a young adult!

OP - I'd have a look at the Relationships board, the Freedom program and the like. Make sure you can recognise Red Flags at the very start
and make sure you know how to act on them, rather than jsut blame your 'youth' and 'inexperience' and ignore.

i also think that a nearly 30yo is looking for a sub-20 inexperienced and eager-to-please girl to mould into what he wants.

Watch out for controlling and abusive behaviour.

@ptumbi I think I'm 100% able to recognise red flags. I'd been in a bit of an awful relationship for 3 years prior where there was a lot of red flags and abusive behaviours for the most part.

You aren’t too young for him

@DoneAdulting irrelevant. Your older BF was a twat. Doesn't mean they all are.

They aren’t judging you at all. Probably just concerned it might not last and don’t want him to get hurt.

Until they meet you they will a mental picture of what they think is a typical 19 year old girl. I think of someone having fun in first year at university - dating boys and not taking it to seriously. Because that’s what it was like for me.

Once they meet you they will adjust their opinion.

Don’t worry about it. Try to think it’s in his family care.

Fanvolvi - great. Then go for it.

BUT - be self-aware enough to be aware that you are still vvvvv young. He is unlikely to be 'the one'. You will change a lot at around 24/25. Don't think of this relationship as the lasting forever after. Treat it as a bit of fun and get out when you want to. Not when others (your parents, his parents, your or his 'friends'...) think you should.

Another one here who doesn't think it is creepy! I was 20 (admittedly almost 21) when I met my 30 year old DH, 9 years one wedding and a baby later and I think it's worked out ok! He is not controlling either

But I also knew a couple where she was 16 and he was 24, pretty much the same age gap as you guys but that was very creepy in my opinion.

I don't think it's the age gap that they are worried about rather that you are very young, give it time, once you are say 22 and him 30 it won't seem such a big deal. It matters more in a relationship that you are on the same page.

If you were 15 I'd agree with them. You have a child, you're probably quite mature, and they'll probably change their minds when they get to know you. My daughter, aged 18 started to go out with her ex when he was 33. They were together for over 20 years, most of that extremely happy. The problems came when he took early retirement and her career started to take off. That was when they separated. I didn't have a problem with the age difference at all. I was more interested in how he treated her, which was very well.
You have an 8 year age gap. It matters more or less at different ages. 10 and 18, no. 20 and 28 OK, 25 and 32, fine, 40 and 48 maybe, 50 and 58 ok, 65 and 73 maybe not, 70 and 78, no. I'm coming up to 70, so I'm thinking about me at those ages.

I was 15 my DH was 21. I was old for my age he was young.. still together 16 years later. No kids tieing us together either. Just two people who are just right for each other.

You are both adults, no one’s business but yours.

It’s not creepy. The posters saying that are the creepy ones. Says more about them than it does him

We’re “creepy” because we think a teenager who’s barely left home/school is dating someone with way more life experience isn’t great 😂 k

I was 20 and exdp 29 when we got together. We split up after 15 years. Age was something that was never mentioned by anyone. I was the one already with a child, finishing university and going into a professional role. I always said chronologically he was older than I, mentally I was older than him!

My mum was 17 and my dad 24 and they had a long and happy marriage.

I think age gaps matter less when both partners are older- I was with someone for years who was 13 years my senior, but we were both a lot older than you are now.

I think you ought to have time on your own as a young woman- you are still a teen. There is a lot of research showing that adult mental and emotional maturity doesn't happen till 25.

I think it matters more what stage of life you are at and how mature you are. 19 is incredibly young these days to already have a child and if he has one too, you have both 'made mistakes' to be blunt, with previous relationships.

At this stage of your life you ought to be focused on creating a career for yourself, providing for your child and not necessarily getting into a new serious relationship just yet.

Age is just a number
I work with two women, one aged 25 who has her daughter at 17. The other aged mid 50’s who has grown up children.
The 25 yr old is the more mature of the two, she’s been through tough times and has kept a level head and made wise choices. The older women is catty and judgemental. She sulks when it others don’t agree with her.
When your bfs parents meet you they won’t see a 19 year old they’ll see you. How you come across and your personality will be who they’ll hopefully accept as their sons gf.

Oh for goodness sake. She's 19, she could be 20 next week.

Will he suddenly stop being a creepy, controlling pervert as is being insinuated on here because the word teen drops from her age ?? 🙄

It's fine, so long as he's s good person and you treat each other well and equally it will always be fine.

At 17 I was with a 26 year old. I look back now and think “what the hell was he thinking?” But then he dumped me for my best friend (also 17). I never spoke to either of them again but I believe they are now married, so maybe it can work.

At 19, some people have done a hell of a lot of growing up than others. Trust me on that.

I used to say and think shit like this when I was younger, and did really believe it, but I was wrong too.

It's not about an age gap in years being a problem, it's about the placement of it (i.e. teen and late twenties, rather than late twenties and late thirties) and the imbalance of power resulting from that.

Most people in imbalanced, controlling relationships don't realise until it becomes utterly destructive - and often even then by that point they've become so conditioned to accept it as normal that they still don't see it.

Op, if you're as competent at spotting early warning signs of abuse as you say then why are you not familiar with the observation so many here are making about the imbalance of power inherent in any relationship where a much older man has entered into a relationship with a woman barely a legal adult?

It's not a judgement on you for people to hold concerns about his behaviour and his choices or the risk it exposes you to.

Humans don't actually reach maturity until mid to late twenties. That is why age gap relationships positioned between the ages we are talking about here are potentially so very problematic and concerning.

Doesn't matter how many people pop up to say how grown up they considered themselves at 19 - plenty of ten year olds view themselves the same way, but it doesn't make it an objective assessment of their ability to engage with much older, more experienced people on equal terms.

What happened to your child's father and his child(ren)'s mother(s)?

@Jossina what do you mean 'what happened to them'? What happened to the relationships, do you mean?

I think it's perfectly fine. Lots of 19 year old men might be less mature than you. 26 is hardly old!

If one of my friends who is 27 was dating a 19 year old I'd be concerned. And I'd think he was taking advantage in some way.