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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit 86 yr old mum in summer?

173 replies

fatpuffin · 26/05/2019 08:04

Mum is 86 in June, and having a cataract operation on her birthday. She lives alone in a lovely place abroad where people go for holidays.
I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids, and was concerned that she is getting a bit confused. Hubby had serious surprise surgery year and half ago and is v depressed but managed 12 days alone ( friends were brilliant)while I visited her. Obviously I would like to visit mum in summer/ as often as possible. Thought it would be cheap and easy and fiestas etc on.for kids. And he can sit by pool .
She’s also always said, ‘don’t worry, visit when you can’ and this is the first time she’s said it would be nice to have me there. For op.
Husband never been keen to spend his holidays with his mil. ( been 2 or 3 times for a week in 20 years. Everyone else I know loves it, and mum not exactly hard work. I always have a real struggle to get to go and visit. And kids always ask why dad doesn’t come) Fair enough, so we usually have a week in the uk. And he wants to do that this year, says it’s too hot and he’ll be stuck in her living room
My thinking is that we live in a lovely part of the uk so to drive 10 hours to more countryside and self catering is well, ok, but just more countryside.
.Obv being critically ill affects your mood and we both got v depressed trying to entertain kids in countryside and felt very isolated, even with v supportive mates. To me a week off season will just be more that. How do I entertain kids early teens who don’t like beach or walking ? Last year we stopped in lakes on way from his mum and it wasn’t really a success. He’s also v depressed so hard to keep atmosphere positive for kids. And depression is catching. It’s horrible actually.
He is Also the earner, in a job he hates. I’m forevr looking for work and not getting much joy ( I do a day a week at the mo) have some savings to get air fare.
So Who do I ‘look after’? He doesn’t want to go to mums which is Fair enough but would make like so simple. but how do I get to see her? Would it be ok to go see her for the week of her op and leave him at home with kids? (11 and 14, so could fend for themselves till he gets in). Or have hol with him then take kids to see mum and leave him alone for a week? I’m sure there’s a simple answer. Not helped in that visiting mum is seen as a holiday, while he earns all the money. ( really don’t spend anything on me and I’ll use savings to pay for fare). and I’m being daft, but tbh feeling bit overwhelmed. Would be so easy if he’d just enjoy going to Spain! Or Aibu.? Solutions please!

OP posts:
WhiteRedRose · 26/05/2019 08:09

He's being a selfish arse. She is your mother and your children's grandmother. You atlre entitled to go and see her whenever you want, you don't need his permission or even need to ask for it.

Stop asking and just say "We're going on this date, would you like to come with us or are you going to stay at home?"

Stop making him think he has a choice in what you do Confused, and stop thinking he does if you think it too.

CalmdownJanet · 26/05/2019 08:10

Go and see your mother and take the kids with you while you are there consider staying for good

Justmuddlingalong · 26/05/2019 08:13

I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids
Let you go? My mind is truly boggled.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 26/05/2019 08:13

You sound very kind, and split in 2. In your position, I would prioritise your mum: she has asked for you, and she doesn’t sound generally demanding. Also, it sounds like that’s what you want to do. Lastly, you don’t need your husband’s permission to see your mother.

DroningOn · 26/05/2019 08:13

I managed to persuade hubby to let me go

I hope this isn't actually how it works..

Tell him you're going.

PotteringAlong · 26/05/2019 08:18

You can be depressed and still be a twat. Go to see your mum. Just because he’s depressed doesn’t give him the right to be like this.

Patchworksack · 26/05/2019 08:18

Surely your kids will need to be at school in June? Go, on your own, to support your Mum. You don't need his permission. Your family holiday is a seperate issue.

fc301 · 26/05/2019 08:21

H can't be left home alone?! He's a grown arse man!
You will regret it if you're not there for your Mum when she needs you.

ChariotsofFish · 26/05/2019 08:25

Go and see your mum. Take your kids. Demand more from your marriage

junebirthdaygirl · 26/05/2019 08:25

Does your dh take medication for depression? Does he see a doctor regularly? His depression should not be ruling your life. My dh suffers from depression and my number one piece of advice to people in similar circumstances is take care of yourself. Your DC need you to be happy and fulfilled. So go. No excuses. That should be your holiday everytime if that's what suits you.
Also an aging parent is first priority. She needs you now. So go for that reason too. It's a good life lesson for your DC to help care for GP and see you caring for her.
So too many reasons not to go. Dhs depression cannot be allowed to rule family life. Don't ask just announce your plan. He is welcome to join in or not. If he says he doesn't want to go just say that's fine it's your own choice in a relaxed tone. No big discussion.

Original poster
fatpuffin · 26/05/2019 08:28

Thanks ladies! I really do want to see her- obv concerned she might not be here next year. Difficult cos hubby nearly died but has to go back to job he hates to keep family going, and I’m feeling guilty at not finding work, so Tensions Are High.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 26/05/2019 08:29

I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids

Do you need his permission for lots of things in your marriage?

SallyWD · 26/05/2019 08:31

Your mum's 86 and in poor health? I'd say you need to see her more! Can't believe there's all this agonising about seeing her a week here and a week there. She may not be around much longer. Make the most of her while you can. It's up to your husband whether he goes or not. With his negative attitude it seems easier to leave him at home!

maddening · 26/05/2019 08:35

Do a week in a city with dh and family and go and see your mum with kids separately?

Eg Edinburgh, fab city and lots to do.

Smelborp · 26/05/2019 08:42

You need to see your DM absolutely. She might like to see her grandchildren too if it’s an option.

Maddening’s suggestion of a city break is good.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/05/2019 08:50

Difficult cos hubby nearly died but has to go back to job he hates to keep family going, and I’m feeling guilty at not finding work, so Tensions Are High

I couldn't justify using family savings on airfares knowing that. I'd be taking any job, even temping, to relieve his mental health.

If a man posted his wife had nearly died, was the sole earner for the family in a job they hated and they wanted to go abroad to his parents he would rightly be highly criticised.

Langrish · 26/05/2019 08:52

You need to go and see your mum, fatpuffin.

My husband has a potentially life threatening genetic condition that can recur at any time, rapidly and without warning. After he too was, completely a bolt out of the blue, at death’s door nearly 2 years ago, we’re still really coming to terms with the implications on the rest of our lives. But whilst I worry about going away and understand where you’re coming from, he would never, never put pressure on me like yours is on you.

I can completely understand him not wanting to go with you. Living with the knowledge that you nearly died has profound implications that I think only someone who’s been through it can ever understand. I don’t think they can ever feel safe about anything again and just being away from home feels a danger in itself for a long time afterwards. Between you (it’s important that he starts to take responsibility for himself too, it’s not healthy for him to rely on you, for either of you) put in place any arrangements you feel are necessary to ensure his wellbeing while you’re away (temporary cleaner maybe, well stocked fridge, let friends/neighbours/GP know he’s at home on his own) then take the kids and go to visit your mum.

You need some headspace too. Witnessing his illness was equally traumatic for you: I’d argue possibly more so. If he was unconscious, as my husband was, for the most dangerous period, your experience was actually more extreme and frightening than his was.
He needs to be able to acknowledge, accept and deal with the depression too. It took my husband some time to do so. It’s not weakness, and it’s certainly not the selfishness some people who’ve never been in his position are suggesting, but it can’t be excused or ignored any longer. He needs professional help to recover from it. Perhaps have that discussion before you go and you’ve both got room to think it through while you’re away?

Bottom line, your mum won’t be around for ever either.

averylongtimeago · 26/05/2019 08:52

Go and see your mum.
She's 86, to be honest, and I don't mean to upset you, but how many more visits will you have?

As for your DH- depression is horrible, but you are not his keeper. I hope he has seen his GP and got help (have had depression myself).

You do NOT have to "be allowed " to visit your mum- good grief woman, just go.

Evilspiritgin · 26/05/2019 08:58

How many times have you seen his mum compared to seeing yours? I think you will really regret it if you don’t go and see her

MoviesT · 26/05/2019 09:13

You only get one mum. Go and see her more often. You should be a partnership and a family - why does your husband ‘let you go’ and why do your children get to have no relationship with their grandma because he is awkward?

You should continue on the path of seeking financial independence, especially now your children are older. I would redouble your efforts if I were you.

Original poster
fatpuffin · 26/05/2019 09:29

Thanks everyone. It’s good to hear your opinions, I’m re reading them, and thinking hard. And trying not to ask loads more advice!
Tricky to know what’s fair, but I agree, I’m so anxious about not seeing mum, and concerned that I may resent hubby when she dies. And riddle me this, yes I am split in 2! Want desperately to see mum. So thank you all for making it seem clearer. It does seem mad that it’s such a struggle to visit mum. it’s cos I’m not earning. Miss my career! independence!
Mums op is the week before they break up which is why it would be brilliant to chuck them in a plane immediately. Maybe I should just go on op week alone - kids old enough to leave till he gets in at night. Then hol with him and kids, then maybe week with mum and kids ? ( lot of air fares). Would be so easy if he just said, ok, not ideal, but I’ll sit by the pool/ go to nice restaurants/ play with kids.
. He doesn’t want medication as he’s worried it will affect his health. So it’s tricky. I sympathise junebirthdaygirl.

It’s difficult to know what is looking after self and what is being selfish.
Especially as discussions always end in ‘get a job’. If only!

OP posts:
SallyWD · 26/05/2019 09:40

Until last December I didn't work for 7 years - it was mainly to take care of the kids but I also had a serious illness which set me back. My husband never made me feel like it was his money as I was doing loads for the family such as all the housework and looking after the kids. My unpaid contribution was as his important as his. In fact he always said he had it easier. It was always referred to as "our" money. He encouraged me to see my family a lot even though they live 6 hours away. He really believes that family is everything and there's nothing more important than seeing my parents now they're old. If you're struggling financially then obviously it'll really benefit you to get a job and you won't feel so guilty every time you go away (not that you should feel guilty in my opinion). I'm working part time now and love earning again.

sandgrown · 26/05/2019 09:42

I fully supported my partner when had an accident, lost his job and fell into a deep depression. I put things on hold and always put him first. Years later he still suffers with depression and makes no effort to get better so I give him one option to join us in activities or holidays and if he refuses we go without him. Counsellors have said I must put myself first. Go see your mum while you can .
While looking for work sign up for surveys etc. Not much money but the vouchers can help a bit .

Summerorjustmaybe · 26/05/2019 09:45

He is a selfish martyr who is enjoying playing the depression card if he declines medication.
My exh made every bloody thing about him with his, ruined every trip /birthday etc.
In his case his depression was an excuse to be a twat.
Similarities op?? See your dm and enjoy the break.

CaptainJaneway62 · 26/05/2019 09:53

Leave him at home and take the kids for at least 2 -4weeks to see your mum.
Your DH needs time on his own to sort his head out.

People have to manage on their own sometimes and I take it that he has now recovered enough to get back to work.

The time apart will help you both to get some perspective on things.