To want to visit 86 yr old mum in summer?

[fatpuffin]

Mum is 86 in June, and having a cataract operation on her birthday. She lives alone in a lovely place abroad where people go for holidays.
I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids, and was concerned that she is getting a bit confused. Hubby had serious surprise surgery year and half ago and is v depressed but managed 12 days alone ( friends were brilliant)while I visited her. Obviously I would like to visit mum in summer/ as often as possible. Thought it would be cheap and easy and fiestas etc on.for kids. And he can sit by pool .
She’s also always said, ‘don’t worry, visit when you can’ and this is the first time she’s said it would be nice to have me there. For op.
Husband never been keen to spend his holidays with his mil. ( been 2 or 3 times for a week in 20 years. Everyone else I know loves it, and mum not exactly hard work. I always have a real struggle to get to go and visit. And kids always ask why dad doesn’t come) Fair enough, so we usually have a week in the uk. And he wants to do that this year, says it’s too hot and he’ll be stuck in her living room
My thinking is that we live in a lovely part of the uk so to drive 10 hours to more countryside and self catering is well, ok, but just more countryside.
.Obv being critically ill affects your mood and we both got v depressed trying to entertain kids in countryside and felt very isolated, even with v supportive mates. To me a week off season will just be more that. How do I entertain kids early teens who don’t like beach or walking ? Last year we stopped in lakes on way from his mum and it wasn’t really a success. He’s also v depressed so hard to keep atmosphere positive for kids. And depression is catching. It’s horrible actually.
He is Also the earner, in a job he hates. I’m forevr looking for work and not getting much joy ( I do a day a week at the mo) have some savings to get air fare.
So Who do I ‘look after’? He doesn’t want to go to mums which is Fair enough but would make like so simple. but how do I get to see her? Would it be ok to go see her for the week of her op and leave him at home with kids? (11 and 14, so could fend for themselves till he gets in). Or have hol with him then take kids to see mum and leave him alone for a week? I’m sure there’s a simple answer. Not helped in that visiting mum is seen as a holiday, while he earns all the money. ( really don’t spend anything on me and I’ll use savings to pay for fare). and I’m being daft, but tbh feeling bit overwhelmed. Would be so easy if he’d just enjoy going to Spain! Or Aibu.? Solutions please!

Go to your mums.

He can come or stay home. Doesn’t sound like anyone enjoys being around him, or that he enjoys being around anyone else in the family.

The OP wouldn't need to post if she had an income. She'd be organising flights when she needed them. The balance is off in the relationship. If her husband was in better physical health, had better MH, or the DC were young, I wouldn't be pointing to getting a job, any job, in order to have income, freedom and choices.

Diana You are misreading what is being said. I and others have said she needs to get a job.
BUT her DP is also very controlling. Yes he has depression, that does not mean he gets to decide if OP can visit her own mother or not.

I think the big issue is that an elderly mother living abroad on her own is likely to cause problems - falls, inability to manage, increasing frailty, general support requirements

That's why we have residential and care homes here to assist when support in the home just isn't; enough.

So a week's visit shouldn't be an issue, but maybe your OH is looking further ahead, without being able to discuss it properly.

Diana And if the OP was a man and his wife was deciding whether he went to visit his sick mother occasionally, I would be saying the same thing.
This is you pretending sexism is happening here in the advice, it is not.
And OPs DP also seems to treat money earned as his instead of family money.
You know 1 in 4 of us suffer mental health problems, some very serious. And most of us still manage to work. And many of us do jobs we hate. We apply for other jobs.
What we don't do is get to control the other partner by denying access to money and witholding or giving permission to visit family.

PS. Why don't you go on your own.?

Gth I have elderly family including family abroad. Of course care will need to be paid for family living abroad, but that does not mean you don't actually visit them.
And most people have paid carers to help out a bit long before going into a home, unless there is a sudden health crisis. Because most people can manage with a bit of help here and there long before they need full time care.
It does not sound as if that is an issue with OPs mother. The issue with OPs mother is that the OP wants to visit her own mother, and her DP is giving or withholding permission.

Diana The OP would not need to post if she had an income because she could leave her controlling DP and live alone.
That is why financial independence matters.

I doubt if the DH would have an issue with the OP (and the kids) going on their own, and I doubt if it's to do with controlling purse strings.

I am sure it's just more to do with the DH not wanting to spend his summer holidays in this way.

Jeez. Why does everything reduce to a man v woman hate fest on mumsnet.

You need to get a job, any job, and start earning money.
I would go to Spain and get a job there for the entire summer if my mum was ill. Also great for your kids to spend quality time with her.
Your husband can come over a few times for short breaks. Much cheaper for 1 to fly than 3. If you work in Spain you could send money back for mortgage and pay for yourself in Spain too.
You all sound like you need a break.

Gth The OP has went three times in 10 years to spend a week with her mum. This is not hating in men.
The DP has no right to control the purse strings and no right to have a dynamic where he reluctantly gives permission to his partner to visit his mum.
And OP is quite clear that they can still go on a holiday.
I wonder at the relationships of some women on here that they think it is fine for a partner to be controlling and control the finances.

Howyiz Why should she send money back for the mortgage if she has her kids with her? She would need money from her DP if she was working abroad with the kids.

Just throwing this out there: would the kids fly solo??
Could you go out the week of the op, and the kids fly out after school finishes? If you have mainly holidayed in the UK they may not be comfortable doing so (and indeed, the airline may not take them- minors services are rapidly reducing in availability, along with rising minimium age requirements).

I think you should go the week of the op. My Mum had cateracts (both eyes, a couple of weeks apart), and whilst it was "simple" and "quick" I do not think she would have been ok without Dad for the first few days.

DH earns all the money here, and yes, I do fly home to see my parents without him. He flys to a third country to see his parents with the kids. We all fly to see each set of parents. Seeing your parents us not a treat, it's part of family spending for us.

And actually, it us just one ete your Mum is having done? Or is there a second op a few weeks (months?) later??? You might like to factor that into calculations about who goes when.

Wishing you the best with your decisions, and your Mum the best with her cateracts.

How much is it really going to cost? Flights to Spain are cheap and you'll be staying with your mum, right?

I'd definitely go, even if it's just for a few days without the kids. As you say, she won't be here forever and it sounds like this is the only time she's asked for you. Hope all goes well xx

I think you should go .its only for a week or two ,and your children will be pleased they are going abroad I expect!.Your Mum is getting older and you need to spend some time together while you can.If hubby is not happy about it ,explain to him you would like to see her, and have some money saved up for your flights.If you are earning less than him so what .you cook and clean ,and look after children, enabling him to work in a well paid job.You say he was ill last year unexpectedly ,I wonder if thats made him depressed.I had Septecimia, and a burst Cyst some time ago out of the blue.The pain was indescribable ,and I felt very tired and down for a long while .Try to see what he would like to do ,Can you not do both ?.Also wonder if partner may have PTSD ,which is likely after a life changing situation where he nearly died .I felt different somehow after my illness and I think it changed my outlook on life .He may have had to come to terms with his mortality ,and would possibly benefit from some one to one counselling sessions .Also all women work both in and out of the home, tell him you are working looking after him!

Summerorjustmaybe

He is a selfish martyr who is enjoying playing the depression card if he declines medication.”

Wrong and grossly unfair.

Unless you have quite literally been been at death’s door (and the critical care consultant sat holding my hand, telling me he would be there when I needed him before my husband made an astonishingly rare recovery some days later after multiple “ologists” had basically given up on him. I suspect fatpuffin had a very similar experience from her description and has been left traumatised, which she probably hasn’t even acknowledged yet), you can have no idea whatsoever of the effect that has on an hitherto strong and resilient persons psyche.

fatpuffin without a shadow of a doubt must go to see her mum, take care of herself and the kids (who are frequently temporarily forgotten in these horrible situations because they seem to be coping so damned well: they’re usually not) but her husband is almost certainly not playing any kind of card and needs professional help, which fatpuffin isn’t qualified to give.

Frankly, no-one who hasn’t been in such a thankfully rare position has any idea what fatpuffin and her husband are having to process and move on from.

You’ve only gone to see your mum 2 or 3 times in 20 years?? That’s awful. You should just be able to go - you don’t have to persuade him or ask his permission!

Sounds like he’s always been a selfish git but his illness has made that worse.

IME Men often say they have depression/are unwell when their partners do things that are causing them inconvenience. Quite frankly dh would be packing my case for me & practically forcing me out the door.

So DH has been very ill but has struggled back to work to support the family. You have the relative luxury of not working much and you saw your Mum quite recently. I feel for your DH in this, not wanting to use his precious leave visiting mother in law. I think you should prioritise DH.

I genuinely think depression is a real illness, but it is a bit of a luxury in his case. Yes, he nearly died - but he DIDN’T! He is alive!!! He has kids that need him and a wife that has been looking after him who needs to look after her mum. He can get off his arse and get to the GP for some antidepressants if it means that he can engage with the people in his life and possibly in his work better.

So on one thread today there is rightfully chat about how people are now understanding the complexity of mental health and here this man's being seen to be a arse who's just mean and controlling?
He is a selfish martyr who is enjoying playing the depression card if he declines medication. Nice.

He has depression and is controlling and selfish. Or do you think only nice people get depression?

Hi ladies, well I’m Amazed that so many people have chipped in, thank you so much.

I am still re reading and digesting all your comments, and getting in knots trying to write this reply! but You are helping me gain clarity which is brilliant, and helping me see that I’ve been getting my priorities confused. I think you are right in that the priority should be my mum, and it should be going to see her, on my own, to help her recover. Husband is ok, at the moment . Until I read your post, sacryteacher, and seato ski, I’d been focusing onhubby and persuading him to come and not really thinking of practicalities like ‘It’s You Mum, It’s An Operation! ‘,and even If, like sunshine spring says, it’s ‘quick’, it’s still an operation- Not really nice to wake up the next day on your own. she won’t be able to drive etc. And she is beginning to get forgetful. How could I get whats important so confused?! I’m quite aghast myself.

You are all right in that of course hubby should be able to look after kids for a week, and I can get neighbours etc to help. He is very anxious still, as langrish says, which makes it hard to know if I am being fair, but as you all say, she’s the one that needs help at the moment. And I think the anxiety I feel at not being there is telling.
After that I guess we could have a uk week for him, tho obvs, I just want to be with mum all summer.

And then I will go all out to find a full time job. Im in the usual quandary As to what that will be after so long at home. Thanks for the support - i I feel that I’ve been working to keep the family happy and functioning and support the kids. And him, Which has been very hard. And feel guilty for not getting a well paid job. And yes, I am concerned about the kids and wondered if they need help. they’ve already watched me go thru serious illness ( what a family, it’s like eastenders!)I’m very conscious that if inhad a career of sorts he could relax a bit. ( and so could I, I’d love it!)

I hear loads of you saying he sounds controlling, which is amazing as I thought I was trying to be unbiased. have wondered that myself but thought it had changed since his illness. But I feel my eyes are being opened that a lot of you freely visit parents and family. It’s wonderful to hear how other people deal with similar situations. And I currently feel a bit confused at my reaction. - I don’t know what it is, but I do know I want to hear more about how you all live!

Thanks I I heart Ayra dottiedohda. And to everyone who has been ill. I’m sorry. it’s crap and as you say, does affect you more than anybody can know unless you’ve been through it. That’s why I get so confused as to whether I’m being fair to him or not. But the most brilliant and main thing is now I feel clear and justified that I can and should put mum first. Thank you all xxxxxxx
And if my mumsnet loving friend is reading this and guesses it’s me, a, please keep it to yourself! And b, thanks for being fab x

Fucking hell.

I cannot imagine only seeing my mum a few times in 20 years.

He's being selfish and you need to tell him straight what you're going to be doing going forward- and this comes from someone with mental health issues before anyone accuses me of being unsympathetic.

Your poor mother.