To want to visit 86 yr old mum in summer?

[fatpuffin]

Mum is 86 in June, and having a cataract operation on her birthday. She lives alone in a lovely place abroad where people go for holidays.
I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids, and was concerned that she is getting a bit confused. Hubby had serious surprise surgery year and half ago and is v depressed but managed 12 days alone ( friends were brilliant)while I visited her. Obviously I would like to visit mum in summer/ as often as possible. Thought it would be cheap and easy and fiestas etc on.for kids. And he can sit by pool .
She’s also always said, ‘don’t worry, visit when you can’ and this is the first time she’s said it would be nice to have me there. For op.
Husband never been keen to spend his holidays with his mil. ( been 2 or 3 times for a week in 20 years. Everyone else I know loves it, and mum not exactly hard work. I always have a real struggle to get to go and visit. And kids always ask why dad doesn’t come) Fair enough, so we usually have a week in the uk. And he wants to do that this year, says it’s too hot and he’ll be stuck in her living room
My thinking is that we live in a lovely part of the uk so to drive 10 hours to more countryside and self catering is well, ok, but just more countryside.
.Obv being critically ill affects your mood and we both got v depressed trying to entertain kids in countryside and felt very isolated, even with v supportive mates. To me a week off season will just be more that. How do I entertain kids early teens who don’t like beach or walking ? Last year we stopped in lakes on way from his mum and it wasn’t really a success. He’s also v depressed so hard to keep atmosphere positive for kids. And depression is catching. It’s horrible actually.
He is Also the earner, in a job he hates. I’m forevr looking for work and not getting much joy ( I do a day a week at the mo) have some savings to get air fare.
So Who do I ‘look after’? He doesn’t want to go to mums which is Fair enough but would make like so simple. but how do I get to see her? Would it be ok to go see her for the week of her op and leave him at home with kids? (11 and 14, so could fend for themselves till he gets in). Or have hol with him then take kids to see mum and leave him alone for a week? I’m sure there’s a simple answer. Not helped in that visiting mum is seen as a holiday, while he earns all the money. ( really don’t spend anything on me and I’ll use savings to pay for fare). and I’m being daft, but tbh feeling bit overwhelmed. Would be so easy if he’d just enjoy going to Spain! Or Aibu.? Solutions please!

Go and see your mum. Your husband is having a rough time, but can I gently suggest he is controlling, and being a built selfish and unpleasant.

The kids will be fit from a break from him - I know people who had parents who were depressed and it’s a rough old road and, while of course not the parents fault, can make for unhappy periods in their childhood. They need to see you happy and they need a change of atmosphere.

You will regret not seeing your mum.

OP I see you are saying you will use your savings for the airfare. Do you not have access to the money he earns? Is it "his" money to spend as he wishes?
He is well enough to work. He needs to address his depression. You should be a team.
My DP was suddenly seriously ill last year and would have died if it had not been picked up in a routine check up. Sadly lots of people as they get older experience similar near misses. But life goes on and other things matter too. Your DM matters as well and seeing her matters.

I'm sorry but he's a grown man. I understand that he has depression but she is your mother and is elderly, in a foreign country. Take the kids and go and visit your mum - she's not getting any younger. Your husband sounds selfish imo.

I do think though OP, unless you have lots of savings/assets so you don't need to, that you should look at going back to work. Not so your DP can quit working, but for your own sake. Working will give you more choices.

Why don’t you work, given the kids have been at school for years? I think it’s tricky, given your mum is old and would appreciate someone looking after her for the operation. However, if I buggered off on what looks a bit like a holiday whilst not working, I’d understand my dh getting pissed off.

Your dh needs to see his gp and gets meds.

Its not a holiday to visit your elderly mum. It is perfectly normal. And it is normal to visit more as your parents health gets worse.

Blood is thicker than water. And your mum has asked for you to go.

Go to your mum while she has operation. Anyone who wants to, or can't be left alone should join you when school breaks up. You can travel locally and see mum again before going home. You should see her often if you can afford it, or go for longer.
He should try medication if he's has counselling, cbt. He needs to manage depression, exercise, diet, meditation. Live your life op.

Go on the week of the Op..that's when she'll need you . My Mum had a cataract done last month, so I drove to Devon from Belgium to look after her. She needed help with putting drops in, and I did the cooking/shopping/driving etc until she could cope. She also had to wear an eye shield at night so I stuck that on for her before she went to bed.

Thanks guys. I have found one day a week, which he’s not keen on me doing as ‘it’s not a proper job’, ‘not enough to keep the family’ but I’m sticking with it cos it’s a start to that independence! Sallywd, your post resonates that’s exactly what happened to me! Sympathies! Your husband sounds amazing. I know it would take the pressure off hubby if I could find a career, looking for some sort of training/ direction at the mo.And sandgrown, that sounds very tough, tiring and bloody awful.
Langrish, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, I cannot even begin to imagine what you two are going / have been through.
Yes, it was traumatic. I was even jealous of the other families who were all together, I was on my own throughout. Yes, he was scared after though it’s getting better - it’s been a long haul to keep the kids happy and spirits up. And I think you’re right about the profound effect.
But I also hear you ( all) about looking after yourself. Maybe I I’ll talk to him today about how to Achieve both. Just hard to leave him, and he won’t come! Thanks for reassuring me that it’s not selfish. Just bloody difficult!

The key priority in all this is to be with your 86 year old mother after an operation. TBH if you don’t work then I would be there for at least 2 weeks if not the whole summer. Having been in a similar situation I would have given anything to be in a position to do this. But I have a full time job and carry the financial responsibility for my family. But all my leave went on my mother at this age.

Re the need for “another holiday” I would tell my husband and children that if they have something they want to do to speak up and say what it is. If it is something you don’t want to do, tell them to crack on with the holiday themselves. Either way they can sort the holiday out because you are going to Spain to take care of your mother.

Next issue is your husband’s depression. This is his issue to manage but you and your children have a stake in it. If his doctors have advised medication rather than suggested it, then he should take it. It is completely unfair of him to expect you to live with the consequences of a treatable illness. If medication is a treatment option is he doing any of the other things, counselling, exercise, mindfulness or a change of job.

Finally, once you have addressed your mothers health which hopefully happens over the course of the summer, then time for you to get a full time job.

Perfectly reasonable for you want to visit your mum and take your children with you, but I also have a lot of sympathy for anyone who has had a serious health scare and feels stuck in a job they hate, at least partly because their partner works only one day a week despite the fact that their children are 14 and 11. If I were your husband I would probably feel resentful.

I'd go for your mum's op, have your children join you when they finish school, and then get back and try to find a job with more hours to take some if the pressure off.

I had cataract surgery a few weeks ago and the prospect was bloody terrifying - far worse than the reality. I can completely see why she wants you there. In this instance her need trumps your husband’s. You should go and give her moral support.

Are there no jobs at all where you live, or are you being fussy/waiting for the right one? Because I’d be pissed off in your husband’s position (and have been)
Yes, go see your mum, take your children too, but get off your arse and do something about being a contributing partner, because he’s ill and still carrying everyone. And he won’t be able to do that forever, something significant will break. Either his physical or mental health, or both.

Treading I agree that OP needs to look for a job. But do not assume that her DP will not be able to continue to work until retirement. Plenty of people with poor health do. Including those who have had life threatening treatment such as cancer, heart surgery, transplants.

Lay off. OP didn’t ask whether she should work, she asked about going to support her mum through surgery.

You need to see your mum. It's not a holiday it's seeing your mum after she's had surgery. You should go.

As far as your work/life balance & dh depression that's a different thing and needs sorting out. Can you and your dh sit down and talk about a plan? Set it for a period of time say two years that you find work he try's to address his depression and then he will feel well enough to change jobs? Sometimes having a plan in place can bring you both some hope that things will change.

I think his depression is amplifying what was already a selfish personality. He hasn't been depressed for 20 years, yet has made little effort to support your relationship with your mum over those years and seems to constantly put you in the middle. That is not what a loving, kind spouse does.

They also don't keep saying 'get a job' when they know you are already trying. Him being 'the earner' does not give him more rights in the marriage than you. Marriage is a partnership and he ought to be supporting your needs as you have supported his. A man who throws unemployment in your face is a selfish prick.
You don't need his permission to access family money to see a sick parent and only a complete tosser would make you feel bad for doing so.
I'd he's well enough to go to work, he can survive on his own for a week at home.
Imo he should come with you, stop being a moany arse - he doesn't have to sit in her living room for a week, he could look after his own DC and take them out so you can spend time with your mum.
Everything seems to be all about him. You need to reclaim your equality in this relationship. Tell him you are going and he can either come and take part and not be a miserable drain or he can stay home and be a miserable mean bastard by himself!

How is your Mum going to get home from the hospital if you arent there? Also she wont be allowed to lift for a few weeks after the op, until the eye settles. How will she manage with that? What if there is a complication from the surgery, who will help her work out what to do at 11pm at night if her eye is painful? I think you need to be with her when she has the op to look after her and at least for the week after. Your DH can step up and look after the dc. If it was his mother, I am sure he would want to do similar. While you are at your mother’s use the quiet time to research jobs, careers, retraining etc.
For what it is worth, my DM had cataract surgery last week in the UK with my DF to look after her and still found it tough as her ability to focus was off and she was walking into stuff/tripping for a few days. She also got some big headaches as her brain adjusted to the new vision. Thankfully it is all easing now, and my DF has stepped up to take a lot of the daily burden off her shoulders

Yes I totally agree that him earning does not give him any more rights in the relationship than you.

Hi OP,
I feel for you trying to balance the needs of so many people. I doubt what you actually want gets a look in.

I appreciate you worry about your husband when you are away (friends look in on him) but I don't think it is really the depression that stops him going to your mum's- as he has been so few times over 20 years. What a shame for all of you (including him) to have refused so many lovely holidays with family.

You mention he said he will end up sat in your mum's living room as it's too hot. Would you be able to rent a little apartment your family near your mum (pref with air con) so he had his independence. Extra expense but no need for UK holiday.

I think you should apply a little emotional pressure rather than say "fair enough" the three other members of the family want this holiday so he should suck it up. I've been to many a butlins/haven since having kids that I wouldn't have dreamed of doing without. You do it for the kids. (He should also do this for you so you can see your mum)

Regarding your job. I know you may not want to be AWOL too much with a partner with depression and kids but would something in the evening pref after tea be any good _ evening retail/hospitality/care. If you had very late finishes you could sleep extra when kids are at school. Earning a bit more would take a little pressure off him and make you feel more independent.

Good luck

I think a lot of this is caused by your lack of a job. What is the reason for not being able to get anything? Is it the area, or are you looking for something specific and not going for anything possible, or is it lack of qualifications/experience? Maybe get some advice from MN on how to get a job (lots of knowledgeable HR people on here).
Once you have an income, you can book tickets to see your mum - I would spend every minute I could with her.

How is this caused by a lack of a job ffs!!
The OP has a DP who she has to ask for permission to go and see her own mum. This is about a controlling DP.

Your husband sounds very controlling. I’d start looking for a job not for his benefit but for yours. This may be the kick up the backside you need to see what a prick your husband is. His scare was 18 months ago. I have had several scares due to genetic condition. I never ever stop dh seeing his parents or helping out. You only have one set. Go stay with your mum. She needs you. He only thinks he does.

@clairmcnam
OP said that her husband has depression, hates his job and keeps telling her to get a job to contribute. Finances are u derstandably tight for regular airfares/hols.
If he was a female (full time work, depression, hates it, with a husband who doesn't work, DC at secondary school etc) then you would not be saying that.