To want to visit 86 yr old mum in summer?

[fatpuffin]

Mum is 86 in June, and having a cataract operation on her birthday. She lives alone in a lovely place abroad where people go for holidays.
I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids, and was concerned that she is getting a bit confused. Hubby had serious surprise surgery year and half ago and is v depressed but managed 12 days alone ( friends were brilliant)while I visited her. Obviously I would like to visit mum in summer/ as often as possible. Thought it would be cheap and easy and fiestas etc on.for kids. And he can sit by pool .
She’s also always said, ‘don’t worry, visit when you can’ and this is the first time she’s said it would be nice to have me there. For op.
Husband never been keen to spend his holidays with his mil. ( been 2 or 3 times for a week in 20 years. Everyone else I know loves it, and mum not exactly hard work. I always have a real struggle to get to go and visit. And kids always ask why dad doesn’t come) Fair enough, so we usually have a week in the uk. And he wants to do that this year, says it’s too hot and he’ll be stuck in her living room
My thinking is that we live in a lovely part of the uk so to drive 10 hours to more countryside and self catering is well, ok, but just more countryside.
.Obv being critically ill affects your mood and we both got v depressed trying to entertain kids in countryside and felt very isolated, even with v supportive mates. To me a week off season will just be more that. How do I entertain kids early teens who don’t like beach or walking ? Last year we stopped in lakes on way from his mum and it wasn’t really a success. He’s also v depressed so hard to keep atmosphere positive for kids. And depression is catching. It’s horrible actually.
He is Also the earner, in a job he hates. I’m forevr looking for work and not getting much joy ( I do a day a week at the mo) have some savings to get air fare.
So Who do I ‘look after’? He doesn’t want to go to mums which is Fair enough but would make like so simple. but how do I get to see her? Would it be ok to go see her for the week of her op and leave him at home with kids? (11 and 14, so could fend for themselves till he gets in). Or have hol with him then take kids to see mum and leave him alone for a week? I’m sure there’s a simple answer. Not helped in that visiting mum is seen as a holiday, while he earns all the money. ( really don’t spend anything on me and I’ll use savings to pay for fare). and I’m being daft, but tbh feeling bit overwhelmed. Would be so easy if he’d just enjoy going to Spain! Or Aibu.? Solutions please!

Btw, your mum’s not having her eye cut open! It’s micro surgery and you can’t see a mark on your eye afterwards.

But, please go, not just from an aftercare perspective but because it’s bloody scary because you have no idea what to expect.

Out of interest has he blamed you for the brain haemorrhage? You seem to have misplaced guilt around that and I'm wondering where that stems from?

Of course it's not your fault. It was a horrible thing to happen but not your fault you thought it was the flu.

I think you should go and see your mum but equally I find it really unlikely that you aren't able to find a job that pays more than £50 per week. You'd get more than that claiming Jobseeker's Allowance.

Agh, just wrote to you all and it’s crashed. And I’ve lost it. ( and my writing!) Basically thank you all for your considered advice. Hont1986, I’m sure I’ll get something more than minimum wage soon, I hope so.
Olivia, no he blames his bosses sidekick. All very horrible.
Bubbly, thank you. I agree. It’s time for some clear thinking and somehow support him while making sure I can support mum. And kids. And me!
Alsohuman, I know it’s not a massive op. I think it’s cos it’s also her birthday, and I just want to be with her. ( sniff!). Also want to support hubby. I thought we could do both, but hey ho.
Bubbly, thank you. It’s hard to know what’s fair. But I’m beginning to think you all may have a point.
Happy I sympathise. It’s very difficult to find airfares. I hope they are settled and having fun? Thank goodness for Skype. X
Right post this before it crashes again

Hope you’re ok op & have decided to go see your mum

Thanks I Heart! Am just working out when is best to ask/tell him and getting super anxious so I’m re reading this thread for moral support. I’m probably being daft and it will be fine!

Don't ask hiim! Why do you need his permission?! He sounds like a total cunt. Just book the flight etc and go. He can deal with his kids. He did not die, stop pandering to him.

Depression is a dreadful illness. I feel for you.
Of course you want to see your mum. You have to go and see her.
Tell your dh that you are going, tell him it is non negotiatable .
It is not fair on you the way you are being pulled two ways.

Sorry I just seen where you have reported him .ignore other post .
You did the right thing .

Fatpuffin, wishing you strength when you tell your OH you will be visiting your mum.
She sounds like an amazing loving mother who obviously knows you very well and knows you struggle to be assertive in your marriage. I feel so very sad for her that she wants you there after her surgery but puts your needs first trying to protect you from any disharmony in your marriage.
You said your OH was miserable on your last holiday. I would be reminding him of that and suggesting he decides where you go so as to not have the same situation as last year. Get those big girl knickers on and do what's best for you, your children and your dear Mum.

Thanks guys. I read your posts before I asked him, for morale! Well just told him, stomach churning, and it went horribly. I hoped we could discuss me going and then going on a family week holiday in Uk, but no, he got cross and said things like..’I asked the therapist and she said I should consider saying no’. ‘You went at Easter and now you want to go again’ ‘ what about the family holiday, you haven’t done a thing about that’,( I’ve found a shortlist of places to show him when hes ready.im nervous at that as well!) ‘you’re not even trying with your business ( im trying to find freelance) ‘I’m doing everything on my side of the bargain.’ ‘I’m the one earning. Get a job’ ‘ Ive got an awful lot on at work, I can’t be looking after the kids.’ ‘ I’m not paying.’ ‘ You just don’t get it there’ll be consequences’ that shocked me, but I ( calmly I hope) asked what they would be. He couldn’t tell me but seemed to think I’d ‘keep on till I got my own way’ that I was being manipulative. I tried to say, we will still go on a family holiday, this is just the week before and the kids will be at school and I’ll leave lots of food in the freezer. But I need to see my mum, she is 86. ‘ he seems to think she should visit us and doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not at all sure she could cope with a busy airport, and is nervous as she’s been burgled last two times she visited. And I’m not actually sure she wants to visit. Then he suddenly seemed to change his mind and asked when the op was, saw that the op is on a Friday so he said I could go for a long weekend. Then stomped off to bed. Now I’m all churned up and anxious and confused. The whole thing seemed to take less than 5 minutes and left me reeling with how many different approaches he seemed to try, and of course, whether he’s right and I am just after a holiday, and yes I do obviously need a job, for many reasons. Now Anxious and exhausted! I hear you saying go, I’m going, but it seems such hard work for a few days ( though I’d like to push it to a week as it’s a day journey) and cos I just would. Agh!

Go, and don't look back.

he got cross and said things like..’I asked the therapist and she said I should consider saying no’.

There is no therapist that said this. He's making stuff up.

Well done for speaking to him. Don't let him manipulate you into going just for a long weekend.

Sorry op but he sounds like he is emotionally abusive. I don't like saying this but I really would advise you to consider leaving him. Its quite clear from your posts that you are a victim.

He sounds manipulative and horrible OP.

Go and see your mum and don't let him stop you. You'll regret it in the future if your husband is the reason you rarely see your mother.

You shouldn't need his permission and what on Earth are the " consequences " there'll be?

Ive got an awful lot on at work, I can’t be looking after the kids tough, that's parenting

@fatpuffin - I’ve just read all of this. You absolutely must go to your Mum. Well done for speaking to your husband again. Do not agree to a long weekend. I’d even agree with what a PP said and take the kids out of school a week early to negate his argument about looking after them. And go for 2+ weeks.
But go and see your Mum, just book the tickets and present it as a fait accompli.
You can do this.

I don't know how to make you realize your h is abusive. It is not just codependency caused by his illness and depression. He is using his illness to manipulate and abuse you. 😢

He’s a bully. Well done for doing what’s right. He’s either lying about what his therapist said or he hasn’t told her the truth. Yes you need to find a job purely so you can leave the arse.

Go and see your mum. And when you get back I suggest you get rid of the terrible cunt you’re married to.

He’s dented your confidence so badly you’re struggling to find work and he taunts you with some magical ‘career’ to dent it further.

He’s awful and his family don’t sound much better. ‘Kids need their mother’? Fuck off. Right now my mother needs her kid. And a father should be able to take care of his own children for a week, especially teenagers.

But I expect he’s as shit a father as he is a husband.

He’s lying about the therapist too. No way did they say any of that.

Thanks. This is certainly an education!
Will go see mum on her own. For a week. I think I need the space. Also not sure I can deal with fall out of taking kids out of school.
Am very very grateful for your comments.
I didn’t realise this would cause such a stir, so if you are my friend that is a keen mumsnetter, please. Keep all this to yourself, don’t mention it to your hubby! But do mention it to me if you’ve seen it. Thanks all. Got a lot to think about x

Book your flights. Make it at least a week. Make it non negotiable. Get your passport and hid it somewhere so he can't stop you that way.

What position are you in financially? You call him hubby so I assume you are married? Is you name on the deeds/please to your home? Take a snapshot of all your bank accounts and if you can any he has. This is your amo if he decides to mess about with finances. Start building an escape fund away from his access.

Another one here... he "let you go" ?!?! You needed permission to see your mum... What would you say if a friend told you the same OP?? Nothing/nobody would prevent me from spending time with my parents (elderly/infirm/alone or not) if it was feasible time/finance-wise

Oh my god your language - I could weep! The submissive and confused way that you speak about your husband, I wish you could see what a manipulative and controlling bully you’re dealing with.

He says he can’t cope with work and the kids, but expects you to work and I’m guessing you do absolutely everything for him and the kids and have done even before his illness?

He had stopped you seeing your mum for the last twenty years, that’s never been on. So this illness of his is horrible of course, but it sounds like he’s always been this way and you’ve always put up with it. The illness is just now excusing what sounds like controlling and nasty behaviour for the last 20 years.

Do you know how much he earns and what your household outgoings are? Roughly? Not for purposes of being nosy, but to see if he really needs to be so controlling over flights to Spain (usually cheap).

well, you are all amazing.i really had no idea it sounded so bad. am re thinking stuff thats occurred in the past. i am reading lundy bancroft book one of you sent. scary stuff. at least im no longer confused and depressed! or rather am extremely confused, but thanks to you lot holding up a torch, beginning to see a light. going to have coffee and think!

and book flight x

Good God OP, go and don't come back.

He's horrific. Just awful. Others have said a lot and I hardly know where to begin, so just a couple of things.

1. There is no way his therapist is passing down rulings about your behaviour and actions like some kind of judge and jury. He's just using that as another stick to beat you with.

1. Your husband nearly died, but the doctors now consider him healthy, just like any other man of his age. You can expect him to live many more years. (Although I strongly suggest you don't spend those years with him.) Your mum however is old. You know she doesn't have many years left. Oh, you must see her, you must! Don't let him steal that from you (and from her) along with your confidence and independence.

1. You are good, capable and worthwhile. You have every right to make your own decisions about your own life. He does not have any right to that power over you.