To want to visit 86 yr old mum in summer?

[fatpuffin]

Mum is 86 in June, and having a cataract operation on her birthday. She lives alone in a lovely place abroad where people go for holidays.
I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids, and was concerned that she is getting a bit confused. Hubby had serious surprise surgery year and half ago and is v depressed but managed 12 days alone ( friends were brilliant)while I visited her. Obviously I would like to visit mum in summer/ as often as possible. Thought it would be cheap and easy and fiestas etc on.for kids. And he can sit by pool .
She’s also always said, ‘don’t worry, visit when you can’ and this is the first time she’s said it would be nice to have me there. For op.
Husband never been keen to spend his holidays with his mil. ( been 2 or 3 times for a week in 20 years. Everyone else I know loves it, and mum not exactly hard work. I always have a real struggle to get to go and visit. And kids always ask why dad doesn’t come) Fair enough, so we usually have a week in the uk. And he wants to do that this year, says it’s too hot and he’ll be stuck in her living room
My thinking is that we live in a lovely part of the uk so to drive 10 hours to more countryside and self catering is well, ok, but just more countryside.
.Obv being critically ill affects your mood and we both got v depressed trying to entertain kids in countryside and felt very isolated, even with v supportive mates. To me a week off season will just be more that. How do I entertain kids early teens who don’t like beach or walking ? Last year we stopped in lakes on way from his mum and it wasn’t really a success. He’s also v depressed so hard to keep atmosphere positive for kids. And depression is catching. It’s horrible actually.
He is Also the earner, in a job he hates. I’m forevr looking for work and not getting much joy ( I do a day a week at the mo) have some savings to get air fare.
So Who do I ‘look after’? He doesn’t want to go to mums which is Fair enough but would make like so simple. but how do I get to see her? Would it be ok to go see her for the week of her op and leave him at home with kids? (11 and 14, so could fend for themselves till he gets in). Or have hol with him then take kids to see mum and leave him alone for a week? I’m sure there’s a simple answer. Not helped in that visiting mum is seen as a holiday, while he earns all the money. ( really don’t spend anything on me and I’ll use savings to pay for fare). and I’m being daft, but tbh feeling bit overwhelmed. Would be so easy if he’d just enjoy going to Spain! Or Aibu.? Solutions please!

Hi guys.
Well, I asked him if I could go alone the week of the op. And he got cross and said’ how am I supposed to cope with the kids and work?’

His side of the story is that he found it very hard to let me visit her at Easter, and be on his own, but he did it. That he has returned to an office he hates, but is doing it. And that he deserves a nice relaxing holiday.
He won’t take anti depressants in case they cause more medical problems, fair enough.

All fine, I agree. I just got muddled. At first I suggested Spain cos I thought it would be cheap and fun and we could see mum after her op. But he doesn’t want to spend his hols with my mother. Equally fine ( tho a shame).
Then thanks to you guys, I realised I’m getting confused, I should see mum alone and get her thru op. Then of course we could do uk family hol. Of course he should have a nice time.

I suggested he ask his Therapist. He says that she said he should say no. That a cataract op. Is very quick, not even a general anaesthetic. That I’m not taking responsibility and I could have got a job by now.

Have to confess to being shocked, that she thinks it’s ok for an 86 year old to go to an op. On her own, even if it is ‘quick ‘. As one of you said, there’s still drops etc.

What I don’t hink he’s told her is that I’ve found a day a week, it’s local, it’s £200 a moth extra, and it’s a start. It also makes me feel human, and not a total loser.. He says it’s not a career and that I’m wasting time and avoiding getting a proper job. Every time I go, he gets cross, until last week he said, oh do what you like. Also, the last interview I was offered he told me it wasn’t worth my while as I’d spend the first 2 hours earning the petrol to get there, that I wasn’t being practical, that I have a degree, that I should have a proper career. ( it could have led to something else, surely?). I did have one, till kids, and moving but lost confidence and direction ( I was in a very fast paced, quite cut throat business). I also worked in a shop ( till it shut down)and his friends wife worked there too, so he couldn’t complain too much. I don’t get it! Surely some money is better than none? I agree I need, and would love, a decent career ( adults! Challenge! Independence!) . Just not sure what. Feel like I need a direction, feel like take anything at the moment and it will lead somewhere.also feel like I don’t know which direction to take cos it will be wrong. Then cross with myself for being such a wuss.
And in the meantime, what about my mum?!

Sorry OP, but I still think he sounds like an utter cunt. Take what he says about the therapist with a pinch kilo of salt - I doubt they gave such a definite opinion and even if they did, it's based on information very much loaded from your husband's perspective.
If you really want my honest advice, it's to stop asking him for permission and start doing what you feel is right.
Obviously it sucks that he hates his job, but that's not on you. Even if you worked ft he would still hate his job. There's no reason why he can't look for one that he prefers, whether you work ft or not.
I do think you should work ft as soon as you can manage it though because it would give you the freedom to leave him if you decide that's what you want.
He is not the more important person in this marriage. It's pretty pathetic that he can't look after his own kids for a week - I wonder if you were working ft if he is going to pull his weight or just expect you to do all the child stiff as well as a job.

Thanks I wanna, for getting back to me so quickly. Am cooking tea now so will reply later, but it’s soooo good to know there’s people out there!

There are lots of solutions to "kids and work" for a week, it's probably easier than you being away during the school holidays.He sounds horribly controlling and I don't often come and post on these types of thread.

You sound very articulate OP - take that starter job if that's what you want and use that as a leg up to something better when you have gained more confidence.

I very much think you need to make your stand here or he will bully you for all time. If you were to divorce him, guess what, half of the family funds would be yours (working or not) possibly more, and yes he would have to look after his children on his own more than very occasionally. He sounds like he needs a wake up call.

Op, your situation is somewhat similar to mine (elderly mum living abroad). I would just go!

your DH is an idiot. stop asking him if you can go. just go. out of interest - how often does he see his mum?

I have never prevented my dickhead ex to visit his mum (also abroad) under similar circumstances. wouldn't even have occured to me. says a lot about a person if he tries to make a visit to an 86 year old parent who needs help difficult.

how old are the DC? can you take them with you and stay a bit or is that not doable given the surgery?

He doesn't sound like a very nice man. I know he has been through something dreadful and is suffering from depression but he also sounds like a horrible person. Sorry to say it.

Given everything you have said I would be inclined to take the children out of their final week of school and go for 2 weeks to properly support your mum and give them a really nice break.

As for this UK holiday he is desperate for what kind if holiday does he want and is it affordable? Can you book it for later in August?

It's not clear why you are earning so little £50 a day from what you've said. If you have a degree is there no temp work you could do? Something closer to the field you previously work in. From your posts it seems he may have destroyed your confidence but you will be able to find something. Your kids are old enough to have a bit more independence.

Also if he hates his job could he not start looking for something else? That can't help with depression

Agh! My reply crashed a second time! Maybe it’s a sign.
First, thank you all for your considered replies. I’m getting a theme here(!) which is weirding mee out.
I think you are all right re job. I did lose confidence - motherhood, moving across country, cancer and his illness have all left my cv a bit patchy. I’m doing online courses and surely have those old transferable skills, but no one else seems to agree!
I love to lurk, that you posted when you don’t normally means a lot to me. I’m astonished that you can say controlling and bully from what I wrote. I was trying to be unbiased . I sometimes wonder if it is that or if I’m being unfair. And then of course I get in knots trying to work out whether I’m being fair to him or not. Agh!
Flying 101, he sees his parents about 2 times a year for a long weekend, which I need to remind him to do. ( why do you ask?)I’d certainly never stop him seeing any one.
Janet, I can’t begin to imagine the fuss if I took the kids out of school for a week, blimey!
Our schools break up on the week of first July, so if we drive 10 hours, we can get something cheap as it is still out of season then.
All I want is to see my mum. I’m so tempted to cave and not go. But I don’t know if I’ll have another summer with her. This doesn’t seem to enter hubbys thick skull. He says he deserves a nice holiday. Of course he does! Just need to get courage to tell him. Agh!

All I want is to see my mum. I’m so tempted to cave and not go.

gosh don't!

if he wants a holiday, can you send him alone? absolutely terrible and controlling of him to try to talk you out of seeing your mum. this would be a deal-breaker for me (and was part of the reason why H is an ex now).

agree with others, you have a DH problem. he obviously cares about himself and nothing else. If I would consider anything it would be the relationship with DH, but not going to your mum..

See your mum.
If he needs a holiday tell him to sort one but don't expect you to go.
Also that bullshit about his therapist.They do not tell you what other people should do..The therapy is about them not you.
My mum is 81,she lives 4-6 hours away and I find I am trying to see her as much as I can I am limited As I work full time shifts and a (now) lone parent.You have the chance to see your mum,take it.Tell him you will be going ,onyour own,with kids or all of you .His choice.
But most of all start thinking about what is best for you and your children and aim for that.

OP, I'm glad you are going to see your Mum, it's totally right to put her first at this time. My mother had cataract operations when she was 86, and she nèeded a lot of support, before and after each op. She was very anxious about the first op, but it was painless and went smoothly, so when she had the second one done she was less anxious. After each op she had to have eye drops 3 or 4 times a day, for 2 or 3 weeks, but she could not manage them by herself so me and my husband had to visit every day to take care of that. The operation has a very high success rate (99%) so that fact is worth quoting, whenever she gets nervous.

My mother had good results and had better vision afterwards than I do. She passed away a couple of years later.

You mentioned confusion. 50% of people in her age group have dementia, which changes everything (including the ability to cope with cataract operations). So, it's a good idea for her to have the op(s) as soon as possible. I would advise you to spend time with her now, while she needs you. She may not be around too much longer, and may not recognise you one day, if dementia takes hold. Your husband has his own issues, but if he is a decent man he should understand your reason for going. If he doesn't, then maybe while you're sat in the sunshine with your Mum, you might take time to ponder on whether he deserves you.

PS: Looking at the last line of my post, I feel tearful now. I miss sitting in the sun with my Mum. Cherish her while you have her.

OP what will happen when your DM’s health deteriorates (you say she is getting confused). Will she come back to the UK?

Your DH wants you to work, what sort of job is he expecting you to do? Would he still expect you to do everything at home and with the DCs as he says he struggles to cope when you are away?

Fatpuffin, it's your mum. Go and see her.

Dont let this controlling bullying selfish idiot make you miss out on spending time with her. It's fair to say she is nearing the end of her life. Go see her. He's is not a nice man.

Thanks guys. I think you are right flyings I may have a dh problem.

He’s always made it difficult to see her. I’m all anxious at not seeing mum, and equally anxious at telling him I’m going. Actually That doesn’t sound too healthy does it? I know it will end in a row with him telling me to get a job. And why should he work while I swan off. Lately he started saying he’ll change the bank accounts, and then I’ll apprecai money.
I don’t suppose he says that to his therapist. I think she thinks I’m happily lazing around living off him, too much of a princess to work. I Do get into a horrible state where I feel guilty and start getting depressed. There seems to be so much to do, and I’m trying to get some freelance.Just applied for a lovely job this morning so fingers crossed! Would love to get out of the house feel extremely stuck.

I was trying to present an unbiased question so I’m astonished that so many of you are mentioning bullying and controlling. I’m hearing that even though he nearly died jan last, mum still takes precedence. Though He does need a holiday ( we all do!)
DefenBaker, thanks for the wake up call re dementia. I’m very concerned for her, we have the same conversation most days. I think I have my head in the sand. Im usually so nervous about mentioning going to Spain that I leave it too late and it gets pricey. Quite a few times I’ve not gone. I’m ashamed to say after Xmas when we visit his parents, and i thought he could deal with them, but was told by his family that kids need their mother at this time. Or some utter crap, so we have never been just after Xmas. I’ve just shocked myself.

I need a holiday, no, it’s too cold, she gets bronchitis, so she would stay in a care home there. Which is horrible too. What a mess.

Well just talked to mum who says it’s ok, she’ll be fine, and it’s important that hubby gets well. Honestly mother’s! She’s amazing. I still reeeaaallly want to see her tho. And she always says that, never puts pressure on at all. Sorry for earlier rant. Think we are both stressed and frustrated. Having a coffee! Thanks guys.

Or maybe I’m deluded!

Your husband doesn’t appear to value his family so doesn’t appreciate that you do. He doesn’t care what he says to get you to do what he wants you to do. The get a job is an excuse. Every job you suggest is not good enough, but if you are returning to work after a break you sometimes have to take what you can and move up from there. How is he going to cope when you get a job - they’ll be more for him to do at home? Tell him to change his job if he hates it, tell him to stop being depressed (surely that ok as he keeps throwing unreasonable comments at you). Why can’t you takes kids a week early? Schools are generally ok if you tell them why and your mum needs you. Finally, and most importantly, if you don’t go, and you never see her again could you forgive him for his behaviour? And live with yourself for not going? You can’t please everyone so you have to make the decision that you are happiest with.

What is actually wrong with your husband? You say he's critically ill but you don't say with what.

I think that may have some bearing on my response.

He's threatening you with financial abuse OP. That's your signal to threaten him with divorce as that's a path you'll refuse to let him take you down.

Your mum is just saying that because she knows you are stressing about it.

You have a massive DH problem. He won't have even discussed it with his therapist. He's being extremely selfish.

You need to open your eyes.

Your mother said that because she loves you and she doesn't want you to worry. If only your husband was as considerate.

Actually with my grandparent they needed help after the op as they couldn't see to put the drops in properly and needed drops out in 4 times a day. We had to be there to put them in.

You have a DH problem, he is being selfish. Go and see your mum and stay with her to help her after her op.

In the meantime go for any interview you want to go to ( not him) and tell them you have a prebooked break due to a family need.

OP are you seriously not going to go and see your mum? I’m sorry but I’m the kindest way, you need to grow a backbone. Your husband is being awful and when your mum has passed you will really regret not making her a priority. You have barely seen her for twenty years, doesn’t that bother you??

I’m 20 years younger than your mum, OP, my cataract surgery was text book. My husband put my drops in for the first week and waited on me hand and foot because I was sooooo tired. Please go.

My late mum needed my help for 3 weeks when she had her cataract op
She also needed me when she had a knee op and a foot op.

I stayed as long as she needed each time, because she's my mum, I loved her and I owed her that.

Your mum sounds lovely, but she needs you - go to her
Stay a few weeks

If she's not around next year, you'll probably never forgive him or yourself for not going

Tell your OH that as soon as you return, you'll go all out for a full-time job
....and of course, he'll have to share the childcare and housework etc equally

Now that he's started threats over access to joint accounts, that's a real warning sign you need your own regular money