To want to visit 86 yr old mum in summer?

[fatpuffin]

Mum is 86 in June, and having a cataract operation on her birthday. She lives alone in a lovely place abroad where people go for holidays.
I managed to persuade hubby to let me go at Easter with the kids, and was concerned that she is getting a bit confused. Hubby had serious surprise surgery year and half ago and is v depressed but managed 12 days alone ( friends were brilliant)while I visited her. Obviously I would like to visit mum in summer/ as often as possible. Thought it would be cheap and easy and fiestas etc on.for kids. And he can sit by pool .
She’s also always said, ‘don’t worry, visit when you can’ and this is the first time she’s said it would be nice to have me there. For op.
Husband never been keen to spend his holidays with his mil. ( been 2 or 3 times for a week in 20 years. Everyone else I know loves it, and mum not exactly hard work. I always have a real struggle to get to go and visit. And kids always ask why dad doesn’t come) Fair enough, so we usually have a week in the uk. And he wants to do that this year, says it’s too hot and he’ll be stuck in her living room
My thinking is that we live in a lovely part of the uk so to drive 10 hours to more countryside and self catering is well, ok, but just more countryside.
.Obv being critically ill affects your mood and we both got v depressed trying to entertain kids in countryside and felt very isolated, even with v supportive mates. To me a week off season will just be more that. How do I entertain kids early teens who don’t like beach or walking ? Last year we stopped in lakes on way from his mum and it wasn’t really a success. He’s also v depressed so hard to keep atmosphere positive for kids. And depression is catching. It’s horrible actually.
He is Also the earner, in a job he hates. I’m forevr looking for work and not getting much joy ( I do a day a week at the mo) have some savings to get air fare.
So Who do I ‘look after’? He doesn’t want to go to mums which is Fair enough but would make like so simple. but how do I get to see her? Would it be ok to go see her for the week of her op and leave him at home with kids? (11 and 14, so could fend for themselves till he gets in). Or have hol with him then take kids to see mum and leave him alone for a week? I’m sure there’s a simple answer. Not helped in that visiting mum is seen as a holiday, while he earns all the money. ( really don’t spend anything on me and I’ll use savings to pay for fare). and I’m being daft, but tbh feeling bit overwhelmed. Would be so easy if he’d just enjoy going to Spain! Or Aibu.? Solutions please!

The reason I asked what is wrong with him is because someone I know was critically ill with a brain tumor. For 4 years he worked to make sure his family was provided for, but in those 4 years his personality totally changed and tbh wasn't very nice.

Hi there, OP.

Please stop asking your husband's permission.

I don't like the sound of him threatening to "change the bank accounts" - what does that actually mean?

Your DC are not youngsters - they and your DH will cope just fine without you for a week.

Go and see your mum and have a plan in place for when her dementia becomes worse because that has been a bit of a sub-text in all of this.

When she deteriorates you will have great difficulty organising anything if you're working, especially as your husband resents her taking priority over him.

He does sound very selfish, TBH, and I think you're having this view of him validated on this thread, despite your trying to be impartial.

You really don't need his permission to go and see your mother, whether she's had surgery or not.

Agree that your mum is saying it's okay because unlike your husband, she is trying to care for you and protect you and not pull you in all directions.
Also agree that your h threatening to remove your access to the family money is financial abuse. You really do have to get out of this mindset where you believe he is more important than you, that the money is his and that your contribution is less. I bet he'd be up shit creek without the years of support and childcare you have provided and continue to provide. No man should ever throw it at a woman that she should be working in a 'proper' career if she has been disadvantaged in the workplace due to caring for their children! A man who foes, having enjoyed the benefits of having a wife who carried the childcare responsibility is a turd!
Fgs ltb. Or at least start asserting yourself.

And go visit your mum - she needs you. When she is no longer alive you will bitterly regret not being there in her times of need because you prioritised your mean, selfish h!

He’s always made it difficult to see her. I’m all anxious at not seeing mum, and equally anxious at telling him I’m going.

this isn't normal at all. nobody should be made to feel guilty just because they want to visit their mum. esp if she is 86, having surgery, lives abroad and needs help.
My ex was a controlling bully but trying to prevent me from seeing my elderly parents was one of the last straws.

do you mind telling us what DH's illness is? Might give us a bit more insight. Maybe thingsn would look different with more info.

Your husband's utter refusal to consider pharmacology for his depression makes me wonder exactly why. For the record I'm a cancer survivor,I've nearly died in the past and I'm on antidepressants ordered by my cancer doctor so I can at least understand his viewpoint. My doctor told me my chemical anticancer therapy would induce rages in me without an antidepressant and I followed her advice as I didn't want MY mood or behavior negatively affecting my family.

Oh fatpuffin i normally don't post on relation threads, but I'm devastated for you.

You really, really need to see that you matter, that you have a say, that it is not just your 'd'h who gets to decide...anything.

I think he has conditioned you to have no say, to be at his beck and call. He might be the one earning, but you are doing a job with the dcs, house everything, my guess is he wouldn't have done that job.

Don't for a moment think he is truthful about the therapist. Perhaps he hasn't said anything, perhaps he just says what suits him? Of course he is, then he knocks you right back in place. He hates his job, yet he hasn't found another one, despite he tells you to get one (no easier for you than him). Perhaps, just perhaps he doesn't hate his job that much, but by telling you so, well you are knocked back in place again. You clearly buy in to everything he says/decides, you don't have to you know.

When I read your post it is all about him. Stop - read up on controlling behavior both mental and financial. PLEASE.

Previous posters have been very gentle with you, but you so need to think of your needs and not his. I'm sure, if you ever find your big girl pants and your self-esteem, you will also realize that half of everything you own is in fact yours, should you ever deside to leave and be the master of your own life.

Best of luck, am rooting for you. 💐

I’m so frustrated for you and your mother. Your husband is horrible, self centred and almost certainly lying to you about things his therapist is saying. There is no way a reputable therapist would give those reasons for you not going to see your mother.

This has to be your decision but based on your update I had to post again. Your mum is elderly and possibly has dementia and you are considering leaving her to fend for herself after an operation even though you don't want to because of a bully. You will never forgive yourself for this and you will never forgive him.

Maybe it's his illness causing him to behave like this, maybe it's not but if he does ever get better he will surely also realise how unreasonable he has been.

You keep mentioning that he nearly died last January. That doesn't giive him a right to have a say over whether your elderly mother gets the care she needs. Why is his holiday more important than her health?
Please step back from this and realise what you are doing?

Your DH seems very controlling to me. This idea that you have to ask his permission, that they may stop you in some way, that he doesn't want you to go and puts pressure on you to not go and see your mum is very strange! If I wanted to see my parents I'd check the calendar for sure but would just "I'm thinking of going to see my DM and DF, who wants to come?" and sorted! We've been on holiday with my DM and DF several times and my DP (not married but toger 20+ years) takes full responsiblity for wheelchair pushing for my mum! If she has an op he'd expect me to be there!

Ok I'm going to be frank here.
GO AND SEE YOUR MUM.

Never mind what she says, she is 86 and going to have an operation- get on that plane!
My mum died some years ago- I miss her still. If you don't go and she dies without you seeing her you will never forgive yourself.
She is 86- how much more time do you think you have?

Your H sounds dreadful- you say he has been ill, it sounds like he is playing that and you for all it's worth.
You do not need his permission, he is not your employer.

Also, the bank accounts- protect your self and start squirrelling a nest egg away- find and copy details of accounts, wages, insurance, pensions- keep it some where safe, just in case. Better safe than sorry.

Please go and help your Mum. She is going to have a surgeon cutting her eye open. Its enough to make me nervous and I am not 86 and getting confused.

She wont be able to bend over and put her shoes and socks on for a minimum of 36 hours after the surgery, she wont be able to lift anything heavy for several weeks. He vision may be blurry for a couple of days, can you imagine her making a cup of tea with blurry vision, she might pour the boiling water all over her hand.

She also wont be able to drive herself home. If your DH really thinks that a confused 86 yr old should get a taxi home to an empty house after having her eye operated on, he needs a short sharp shock so that he realises that there are others in this world that matter besides him.

The rest of the arguing about who should work where, who should holiday where is immaterial and can be worked out later.

Your mother needs your help END OF DISCUSSION.

OP, one little thing jumped out at me from what you've said: you always get so nervous about asking to go to see your mum that you leave it too late.
Why? WHY? Why should an adult be nervous about saying to their husband that they're going to visit their elderly mother?? It's 100 % not normal to feel that way. What is his reaction usually? Are you walking on eggshells around him? A bit scared of crossing him?
He sounds abusive, and I don't say that lightly.

Your mother loves you. That’s why she’s saying she’s ok. She would be absolutely thrilled to see you. But she knows the score - your husband came between the two of you years ago. I can’t imagine the heartache and loneliness she’s been though. I feel so sad for her. She’ll never get those years back.

I suggested he ask his Therapist. He says that she said he should say no.

agree with PP, no therapist would say this. he is using this therapist as an authority to guilt trip you.

you are scared of him, aren't you? otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation.

what would your 'punishment' be if you just told him you went? Clearly there are consequences you are trying to avoid. the these consequences weigh more than the fact that there is an elderly mum who needs your help.

Don’t ask!! Just tell!!

I’m off to see my mum on her birthday I’m taking the kids with me!! Feel free to come with us if you want!!

Remember you only get one mum, you can always get another husband!!

Thanks you guys. She sure is an amazing woman. I know she’s letting me off the hook.thansk alsohuman. She’s making it out to be a breeze and she won’t need me cos she’ll be tired, but obviously being alone when you are tired is not great.

Lolly pop, the first 2lines of your post are worrying me. - ‘he doesn’t care what he says to get you to do what he wants you to do’ can that be the case? And gamer chick, in fact all of you, I feel like I’ve stumbled into something in a mist, and I’m trying hard to see it. Is that financial abuse? It doesn’t sound very fair, and felt like a punch in the stomach, tbh.

And I don’t know why I’m being so crap. Obviously I should go and he can take the kids for a week. It’s not like they need much looking after. Can he not see that I’m not just looking for an excuse for a holiday?
. Historywistery he had a brain haemorrhage jan last, and I thought it was flu. He’d got quite stressed and shouty so I thought he was just complaining and ignored him. ( how shocking is that) But a week later he ended up in high dependency and had a stent.( so how guilty do I feel?) He’s very lucky to be functioning ok and it’s been a long haul for us both.

He has gone back to work and tho the politics is crap he likes his team. So when he says he needs a holiday and he deserves it, I do get it. He does get very tired and ( I think) works too long, but he says if he doesn’t earn the money who will? He could ask for reduced hours etc, but i believe working helps keep the anxiety at bay. So...divided loyalties.
But it’s so clear - he is well, and can eat freezer meals for a week. He has us all the time, and mum is on her own. Every single day. I don’t know how she stays so chipper. Also several good friends have lost their parents lately.
What is wrong with my thinking?

I do need to grow a pair, you are right. Thank you.

Just posted above and saw all your comments. I’m amazed, and grateful, and have a lot to think about. Gonna be a sleepless night!

Interesting. Could that have affected his personality? Did he change after?

What is the long term prognosis?

If it's a 'at any minute he could drop dead' that might explain why he is the way he is a bit.

The doctors are all pleased and consider him well. He has a yearly check up for a few years. Obviously he is/was terrified and very anxious. And reads too much on google. If anything he’s got calmer after as he can feel it physically if he gets cross. Won’t take meds as he’s read they may be harmful. It’s a massive thing to go through obviously.

What happened to him wasn't your fault. It's totally normal to assume he has flu rather than a brain haemorrhage - pretty much every one of us would have done the same and likely your husband would too if your positions were reversed.
What happened to him was horrible, I'm sure he is anxious and it might be worth you talking to his doctors about whether his personality can be affected. Unless he's always been this way and is now using the illness as another means to keep you under control. Only you can really say if he's changed or always been like this. Either way, it doesn't give him a right to make you miserable, to threaten you, erode your confidence and deny you access to your family. Those are things that abusers do.
You can't live your whole life unable to do anything that's important to you that he doesn't like. You have a right to your own life and to see your own mum.

I'd do as suggested by a pp and get some money into an account in your name, in case he does cut off your access. I'd also get some legal advice on division of assets so that when he pulls this shit, you can counter argue with what will happen if he does. He sounds like a bully and if you know your rights and aren't afraid to assert them, you might find it stops him from threatening you with bullshit in the future. If you were to divorce, it's going to cost him and he might need reminding to keep that in mind!

I’m glad you’re going to visit her OP. You have been forced in to this position by your DH, you have every right to put yourself first in this situation. You deserve better than his treatment of you, I hope you can see that.

fatpuffin you think he has gotten calmer? Then he has always been a bully. Please consider what you want your life to be like.

Stay safe, get advice, this cannot be good for either you or your dcs.

It is his choice how to tackle his anxiety, you don't have to put up with the way of 'life' he chooses. Look at it this way, if he is scared of being on his own a week, how will he get on if you left from his bullying? If you find the strenght, perhaps you could see that you sit with the long end of the stick. Eg. If h is not nice and we have councelling, h needs to fend for himself.
Stay strong 💐.

Why is he scared of being alone, what can't he manage with?

I do think you should see your mum and agree with much of what's said here. I wonder if the travelling could be divided sometimes in future though, perhaps she could come and stay with you for a stretch as that way it would only be one air fare? Of course you can't do that for the cataract ok but I know quite a few people that he who are happy to fly and the airlines are usually very good at helping vulnerable people out if needed. I can't visit my parents whenever I want as they moved abroad and it's just so expensive I can only afford once a year. I feel guilty sometimes but at the same time they did make a choice to live away.

Hi Op, I've just read your thread from beginning to end and think it would be worth you doing so to .
When I read it from the beginning, you can clearly see how abusive he is towards you both financially and emotionally.
Yes he was poorly physically and has depression, but that does not stop him from being abusive and horrible. He has isolated you from your family and is making you feel guilty for wanting to help and support your poorly mum.
(I know it's easy for me to say as I'm not in your position) but I think if I were you I would take DC with you to look after your mum, when you get back, find a job that you want (not one he thinks you should have yet another way he is being abusive and get ready to leave him. You really shouldn't have to put up with feeling guilty for looking after your mum or getting a job that you wanted.