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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not expect to my dp to come home steaming drunk with my ds (4) from his nursery presentation day??????

204 replies

Jazzicatz · 20/07/2007 18:27

Well am I??????

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LucyJones · 20/07/2007 21:54

Not sure what to suggest except have a serious talk with him about where to go from here?

Mercy · 20/07/2007 21:55

ok, when you say you sometimes don't see him for hours does that mean he goes out drinking?

Or does he just go out a lot?

Jazzicatz · 20/07/2007 21:56

Just spoken to a lawyer friend of mine and she said there is no point reporting after the event, the problem is I never know when he is going to do it. Today he went off and took ds as I am not well, never throught in a million years the reason he was late was because he was drunk.

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Jazzicatz · 20/07/2007 21:57

Yes Mercy he stays at work with his boss and drinks, then drives home with the dog in the car.

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Desiderata · 20/07/2007 21:59

Jazz can't kick him out even if she wanted to. He owns the place (unless I'm confused).

Jazz .. you sound like a lovely woman. There's just one area you need to work on - aggression. This man drove your son when he was pissed. If my dh did that, I would physically harm him. I would be incandescent with rage.

I'm not advocating that you alter, for one moment, who you intrinsically are. But tonight, I strongly advise that you nurture this kernal of rage to a point where it is icy, lucid and deadly.

And tomorrow, use it.

berolina · 20/07/2007 21:59

I would report him anyway. Say he does it on a regular basis. Maybe they can haul him in anyway and it might give him a fright.

Jazzicatz · 20/07/2007 22:01

He has been done for drink driving in the past before I knew him - didn't make any difference, he just doesn't give shit!!!!!!!

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LucyJones · 20/07/2007 22:02

I would leave him.
If he really doesn't care what do you see in him?

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 20/07/2007 22:02

Oh my god

  1. Report nursey.What the hell were they thinking about having a bloddy piss up and allowing your dp to take child home when clearly pissed up?

  2. Go upstairs and superglue your sleeping dps dick to his stomach.

Jazzicatz · 20/07/2007 22:03

He is the father of my children I suppose

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Jazzicatz · 20/07/2007 22:03

Chocolatepeanut pmsl!

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berolina · 20/07/2007 22:06

oh, that sounds like severe alcohol problems. My FIL is definitely what you would call a dependent drinker but would never drink and drive. (And I still don't let him drive ds).

I'd report him anyway, and would not let him drive my children any more. I would also be warning him in the strongest possible terms that he was running a big risk of losing me.

zookeeper · 21/07/2007 08:17

Hi Jazz you're not stuffed just because he owns the house - you have children with him and there are laws to protect you - get legal advice so that at least you know what your rights are (even if you choose to do nothing). Loads give a free half hour of advice but do get a family law specialist.

Al anon are very good - can somebody do alink please?

Jazzicatz · 21/07/2007 08:43

Just spoken to dp - and according to him it is my fault for piling pressure on him, well that sorts that one out then!!!!!!!!

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mumto3girls · 21/07/2007 08:54

does this guy have any overwhelming good points to cancel this out? ( I doubt tthats possible).

Cod - just interested what would you do if your dh did this?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/07/2007 08:56

Jazzicatz

Have you posted under the name "Jazzi" before?.

You need to consider whether his alcoholism is still worth exposing your son to as well as your own self. This is not one off behaviour - he will do this or similar again. The excuses are all typical; he is blaming everyone else but himself. This relationship is in serious trouble.

I would seek legal advice as to where you stand legally. He is responsible financially for your child.

dal21 · 21/07/2007 09:25

Jazz - i grew up with a father who was an alcoholic. And one of the things he repeatedly did was blame others - my mum/ us kids for his drinking. To this day (a good 30 years on), his drinking is still not his responsibility. There is nothing nothing nothing you could have done to DP that justified him getting into his car and driving when over the limit with DC in the car.

I think you need some professional support to know how to approach and deal with this. I also think you need some advice re. your legal rights. Its easy for us on here to say leave him and report him but you have to live with the reality - so take your time and have a really good think about it.

Short term - until you have some more thoughts on what to do - do not leave your DC in his supervision.

Cammelia · 21/07/2007 09:39

Bad situation Jazzicatz, sounds like you are just becoming aware of how bad

EscapeFrom · 21/07/2007 10:08

I am fairly sure you can ask the nursery not to release your son into his care if they suspect he is under the influence of alcohol. I'd do that if I were you/

Jazzicatz · 21/07/2007 10:38

Yes Atilla I did post under the name Jazzi - and things are no better, what to do though eh?

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DangerousBeans · 21/07/2007 10:39

Is there anyone you could stay with for the weekend?
It might help to take the children away for a couple of days, and give yourself some time to think.

Jazzicatz · 21/07/2007 10:42

Tbh I feel resigned just to accept it, my family are all miles away so I cannot go there and I am supposed to be going away tomorrow as I have a big presentation to do first thing on Monday morning for work, just don't feel like doing any of it, but ho hum life goes on!!!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/07/2007 10:49

Yes Atilla I did post under the name Jazzi - and things are no better, what to do though eh?

Hi Jazzicatz

Thought it was you originally but did not want to presume in advance. I am sorry (although if I am to be honest here not really surprised) to read that things are no better with regards to him.

Another thing you need to consider here is that his primary relationship first and foremost is with drink. He drove whilst intoxicated; he could have killed your child, another driver or a pedestrian quite easily. Nothing untoward happened this time but he is a timebomb waiting to go off.

You cannot change him but you can change how you react. You also need to stop enabling him.

Did you yourself grow up with alcoholism as a part of your childhood?. Was your Mum or Dad alcoholic?. You don't have to answer these questions to me but if you said yes to that I would not be surprised either. Many people who grow up in such circumstances are more likely to be with partners who are themselves alcoholic.

Al-anon is worth calling and I woudl urge you to call them. They help families of problem drinkers and you certainly need some support.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/07/2007 10:52

You are so wrong - you do not have to grin and bear this. You cannot keep carrying this burden. He is affecting you and your children very badly, he will ultimately drag you all down with him.

You need to make long term plans for yourself, plans that may not necessarily involve him in your day to day lives.

Please speak with Al-anon.

Jazzicatz · 21/07/2007 10:55

Yes Atilla my mother is an alcoholic and I vowed I would not live with it again - not sure how I have landed in this situation really, it sort of crept up on me. I think I will call Al - Anon, hate to have to do it though as I spent most of my childhood speaking to them

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