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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked that every weekend is taken up WITHOUT me

280 replies

treehousemaster · 25/05/2019 16:36

Simply that ... every weekend over the last couple of months my boyfriend of one year is busy . Occasions such as a wedding( that I was invited to but not brought) to family big birthday parties to friends events and sports .there is no reason for me not to go to any of these but I simply haven't been invited or even seen him before or after . So for example, the sports event may be on Saturday afternoon so he says he isn't free on the friday night having seen him only once during the week ... or later Saturday evening as he is tired and so I may see him for the afternoon on Sunday. AIBU or am I being demanding

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 26/05/2019 10:39

...and honestly the fact that a woman has to consider if she's being demanding because she wants someone to want to spend time with her is an insight to how misogynistic the shite we get pedalled about relationships is.

It is completely normal and within your rights to want it not 'demanding'.

wheresmymojo · 26/05/2019 10:42

I feel like you could really do with some counselling on your self esteem TBH. Please don't go through life feeling that you can't ask men to treat you in a certain way or that you can't have high standards when it comes to how men treat you.

If you don't resolve your underlying issues (self esteem? Not feeling worthy? What?) then years and years of painful relationships may beckon.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 26/05/2019 10:53

I hope the responses you’ve had on this thread have shone a light on his behaviour and you’re able to end it OP. Just think, time with him is time wasted. Time that could be spent with someone who cherishes and loves you. You will find someone better if you give yourself the freedom to look by ending things with him. Best wishes Flowers

SnuggyBuggy · 26/05/2019 11:17

OP do you have anything else in your life? If you aren't going to wake up and dump this guy at least try to do other things with your life and spend time with other worthwhile people so you at least aren't wasting all your energy on him.

chipsandgin · 26/05/2019 11:25

We’ve all wasted time on people who we hoped were better than they actually are, you aren’t alone in this & hopefully it won’t be time wasted if you learn from it. Just remember you deserve better & don’t make the same mistake again. I really hope you follow through with what you’ve said. Good luck Flowers

cricketmum84 · 26/05/2019 11:26

oh dear, he is in love with his best friend and you are his fall back.

Yep this was my first thought too!

daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 11:34

I know that you think I'm trying to drown out your advice but I'm really not at all t. I am trying to make sense of him involving me to the extent that he does in his family , yet when it comes to me personally or as a couple in our own right, he has very little interest in truth and I feel like I'm way way down his list of priorities

You keep saying time, after time, after time, you're trying to make sense of his behaviour.

And time after time after time, you get posters saying he isn't that into you, he's clearly keeping you dangling on a thread while he's getting on socialising, being with his family and friends without a care in the world.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 11:36

But feel free to continue coming back under a multitude of usernames and using up your life on this waster. Your choice,

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 11:40

I have decided to finish with him as I wrote a while ago. I know I've been an idiot. I just seem to end up in a succession of shorty relationships where my needs come last through my own fault. I will seek help

OP posts:
Bluemascara4 · 26/05/2019 11:42

You deserve so much better OP. Thanks
Be kind to yourself x

Justbreathing · 26/05/2019 11:54

Do be kind to yourself. Get some therapy. Currently your not meeting the people who would love you and be good to you because you’re enthralled with someone who doesn’t care for you.

There is someone out there. I’ve read your other posts and you need to find some self worth and pride.

Always remember you are worth more. Even being on your own is more than being like this.
Again therapy therapy therapy- NOW

daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 12:06

Since you aren't particularly enmeshed in each others lives I would simply send him a message that he'll receive when he bothers to switch his phone back on. Simply saying, I've had a think and I'm ending our "relationship", good luck in your future endeavours.

This advice has been given on numerous occasions already, plus lots of support and guidance. The OP needs to take the decision for herself to walk away.

Most of all not take any crap from the bf if they try to sweet talk out of being dumped because it hurts their ego.

I hate to be negative and say this, but I do hope the next thread won't be them coming back on here saying they tried to break it of but the bf "wouldn't let them". It's a cycle of abuse, and the only person who can cut themselves off from the cycle is the OP.

ambereeree · 26/05/2019 12:13

Wow you're only 26. Dump him and move on. Join the gym, go out with colleagues, look at part time study, make friends and enjoy yourself without this awful draining relationship.

Tartanwarrior · 26/05/2019 12:21

And then just when o feel like giving up on him, he completely charms me

I've had two relationships where men kept me separate.

My exh always left me at home when a certain woman was going to be there.

Another ex kept me separate because he had several women on the backburner. He only brought me along to appease me, when the other women he wanted to impress weren't there, or when he wanted to show everyone how very normal and grown up he is with a steady gf.

Op, how does it make you feel to be bottom of his priority list?

This isn't about being independent, this is about him being dishonest with you.

For ages, I felt ashamed- thought these men were embarassed by me. But follow that line of thought through. If that is indeed the case then he is using you in the most dreadful way.

Please stop wasting time with someone who is content to play with your life like this.

Tartanwarrior · 26/05/2019 12:23

Meant to say- the charm but is just pure manipulation. Theres no love or respect, or friendship in that.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 26/05/2019 12:33

There won't be another instalment

I really hope not because other have said you are absolutely wasting your time. Flowers

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 12:35

I was sucked in for sure . I know that now. By giving me a place at his family table, so to speak, I felt that he was serious about me but from these response, itseems that I was being used as a front for him to look like the ' normal' guy with a steady girlfriend . That seat at the family table was always depending on the occasion .. so for example , if it involved a huge occasion or his siblings from overseas coming home or sport or drinks related, I wouldn't be involved . If it was a case of ' needing' a plus one , well there I was at the top table . He really did a number on me .i remember asking him to do something with me that would have meant a great deal to have the support and while he did it, he was reluctant as it was taking from his very structured day involving friends and family

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 26/05/2019 12:37

Keep posting and venting on here. You will get loads of support.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 12:42

I think that only for mumsnet I would have continued to plod along and allowed to be wheeled out . I know he'll be gutted, but for all the wrong reasons . Not that easy to find a fool Who will tolerate limited intimacy, personal contact and be the ever ready piece on the side all dressed up to parade in front of the family . What a fool but I thought that I could have had a good life . Only for
You all I would have slept walked my way through this lie

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 26/05/2019 12:43

Keep strong

Bookworm4 · 26/05/2019 12:43

Is he from a different cultural background where being gay is unacceptable?
You have to accept that he's using you when it suits him, walk away.
The red flags are of monumental size, stop clinging on and waiting for someone here saying what you want to hear.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/05/2019 12:51

I see from the thoughts and opinions of the majority that I have been an fool and wasted the majority of the past year .

Yes, but you said that on your last thread, and the one before that but you’re still clinging on to this very odd man. Why do you keep posting on this ludicrous situation that is never going to change? It’s like bloody Groundhog Day.

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 12:57

Because as the relationship developed it became obvious to me that it was only going one way with one goal and that was to integrate me into his family life , but which was essentially a lie. It is clear to Me that it is a lie or a front . In his culture and home, homosexuality is not accepted

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 26/05/2019 12:58

I'm confused by how you are contradicting yourself.

You say in your OP that he goes to these family events alone and you don't see him before or after, you aren't invited to family events.

But then you go on to say you are dressed up and trotted out at family events?

Which is it??

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 12:59

I am taken to certain family event depending on the significance of the occasion

OP posts:
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