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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not take their dd home early?

315 replies

twentytimes · 24/05/2019 20:10

I've taken my little sister and 3 of her friends (all 11) away for a few days as a birthday present to my sister. We're 3 hours away.

One of the girls parents apparently made last minute plans to go away as a family on Sunday, we aren't due back until Monday evening.

I think the girl was supposed to come to my mums house, say why she couldn't come and then go home. But she was there when I arrived to pick them up, with her some of her stuff and didn't say anything so I brought her with us as planned.

I finished work early and the girls were all ready so we left earlier than we were going to, the parents of the girl text me once we had already left saying that she couldn't come. I was driving and my phone got passed back to my sister and her friends to play on and I didn't see the message until we had arrived.

I've now spoken to her parents and they've said they need their dd back home to take her away and that they can't come and collect her. This means me driving them home a day early, cutting the trip short for my sister and the rest of her friends and losing the money I've spent on the extra day. My mum has offered to look after their dd for the week they're away, the girl is happy for this to happen.

Obviously her parents are welcome to come and pick her up but I don't want to have to drive her home early as I'm not sure this is my fault.

WIBU to say no?

OP posts:
OkPedro · 25/05/2019 01:54

Where did the cheeky fucker child’s parents think she was? Did she come round after school? With her belongings without her parents knowing?

CJsGoldfish · 25/05/2019 03:39

CJ how often do you read texts whilst driving? You do know that using your phone whilst you're driving is illegal

If I have someone elses children with me you'd better believe I'd be pulling over and checking my messages. At the very least, I'd be asking who it's from.

You're choosing to blame the OP for circumstances instigated by the child's parents, then also for the child's response to that
I think the OP is very likely complicit here. At the very least she absolutely IS condoning the behaviour as is anyone who would reward it.

And yes it is up to the parents to deal with it which is why I'd be delivering them all back. I have never rewarded bad behaviour and i wouldn't start now just to please some sneaky and deceitful pre teens.

Xmas2020 · 25/05/2019 04:09

Oh the girls definitely planned this and i think her parents know this, but if they have asked you to return her and you refuse they could report you to the Police.

I would keep communication open and say other nieces have joined you on the trip, therefore enough room in the car to bring their DD back until Monday.

floribunda18 · 25/05/2019 04:44

The police would say the lazy, rude, numpties should go and pick their daughter up.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 25/05/2019 06:30

Their daughter, their responsibility to collect her and punish her in an appropriate way. You're doing something nice for your sister and her friends, so don't let them ruin it for you and don't feel it's your job to teach any lessons or administer punishments in any way. That's for the parents of the girls to do (if indeed it's necessary at all given you don't know if they were complicit in any way).

Hope you have a nice time Op.

IHeartArya · 25/05/2019 06:41

Right CJ so you’d pull over to check your messages? Hard shoulder? Motorway service station? Rubbish - I’ve never checked my messages while driving. I often take dcs & friends away & in this situation would expect the parents to collect. They are the rude ones. No communication that their daughter could go till the day after they’d set off. They are the rude ones not the op.

Qweenbee · 25/05/2019 06:49

If the op thinks they've colluded then whether or not I took them back depends on what I wanted to do.
If I was bored or fed up of them, then I'd take the hard line and take them home, but if I was enjoying myself I'd say the right things to them and tell them off but I wouldn't cut short my holiday because some CF parents couldn't be bothered to phone me themselves to tell me that they've let my niece down at the last minute and disappointed their dd. Although they were wrong to collude, I don't actually blame them. She'd probably been looking forward to it for ages, as would have the birthday girl.

Giraffeinabox · 25/05/2019 06:51

OP, please do remember you arnt the parent here. Youve done a nice thing by taking your sister and her friends away. Yes you are the adult but you arnt the parent.
If it was my child who had taken an unauthorised holiday 3 hours away i would be straight in the car, i dont care how much it costs or how long it takes me.
Op, i wouldnt worry about teaching right and wrong too much. Sort the situation with her parents (god knows how) but when u get back, tell the other girls and your parents about their suspected plan and they can do the parenting.

IAmNotPatientOrPregnant · 25/05/2019 06:53

Whether the parents let her go or not.. she is an 11 year old child, that you've taken away, and are now technically.. and literally refusing to give back.

I think if the parents rang the police it would be you in trouble not them.

I'm not saying I woukdnt have done the same thing as she did voice she wasnt allowed to go until you got there. But really.. would you have still taken the girls if she had never asked her parents of she could go in the first place, would you have just taken her anyway?

It's a difficult situation, and I think you need to talk to the 11 year old and make her aware that what's shes done is extremely unacceptable, nobody would go to tell someone they cant go on a trip away, forget that's why and get in a car and sit through a 3 hour journey (ignoring a text message when they clearly had the phone in hand) and not say a word. Sounds like she did it on purpose.

But really the parents should have been the ones to say she cannot go. But regardless, she with you and not her parents, the parents want her back, you cant refuse to give someone else's child back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 06:55

CJ
Your last comment is unfair. My phone has text notification switched off. I check my phone regularly but would not have been aware under these circumstances.

The parents were feckless for expecting an 11 yo to communicate their very rude change of plans. How ridiculous to accuse op of being complicit.

twenty
I think you should sit your sister down separately away from her friends and ask her to tell you the truth. I find it hard to believe that this girl didn’t tell your sister and her other friends. I also find it hard to believe that they didn’t see the text.

Explain that taking the girl away and keeping her away from her parents could have some very real consequences for you and the parents could actually call the police if you refuse to return her a day early. You could get into very real trouble.

Explain to her she is very lucky to have a big sister willing to take her away (my dd would be so jealous!). You won’t be cross if she tells you the truth. But she needs to now if she wants the chance of being trusted again and doing nice things with you like this trip away.

Also explain the girls parents have acted very badly. However the situation could get quite serious if the adults don’t sort this out.

The girls are 11. I do understand their eagerness. But I don’t think they actually get the consequences of their actions if they are complicit, which they probably are. If your sister owns up I would take them back early and explain why to the girls.... including telling them the parents behaved much worse than them. Not that it excuses their behaviour.

If not, I’d send a message along the lines of “Unfortunately I didn’t see your text until we arrived at our destination as I was driving. I took your dd away in good faith with your prior permission and consent. I also agreed the planned day of our return with you / you and your partner. It is unfortunate you decided to change your plans without informing me in good time and without talking to me either over the phone or in person. Please let me know when you’ve found someone to collect your dd and I will ensure she is ready for you.” At the end of the day they can pay for a taxi to pick her up. If they get nasty, you could always offer to attempt to organise a taxi if they pay for it in advance themselves - however it may be easier from their end if they’re near a large town / city. It will cost them perhaps £300 plus. But that’s the name of the game.

I would also let the girls parents know you won’t take her away again. In writing. In a recorded delivery letter if you don't have their email address once you get home. Not rude. But to the point. Keep a copy. If you go home a day early, ask them for compensation to cover the accommodation for the last night. Cheeky, nasty bastards.

Dd has a friend, whose parents are what can I say? Rather lax. Dd is almost 11 and she passed comment about the parents yesterday as she’s beginning to notice how different life is for the girl. I can well imagine this sort of thing happening.

I’m so angry for you. You’re a young woman without responsibilities of your own, who has done a really lovely thing and a couple of middle aged adults, who should know better are behaving appallingly toward you.

IAmNotPatientOrPregnant · 25/05/2019 07:00

Also ginfnitbhard to believe they never saw the text and that the girls dodnt voice even to her friends that she wasnt meant to come. It all sounds very hushed between them and planned.

I would be driving them all home, 11 years old arent stupid, if she wasnt meant to come she would have told you if she wanted to. She didnt, and its backfires on her. Take them home.
Lies, deceit and generally being cheeky fuckers doesnt deserve a trip away.

magicBrenda · 25/05/2019 07:05

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IHeartArya · 25/05/2019 07:06

I wouldn’t be driving anyone home a day early. If the parents want her they should make arrangements to pick her up. You CANNOT change the goalposts on the day. They are the ones in the wrong.

Well played 11 year olds, well played.

llangennith · 25/05/2019 07:08

All you people implying the OP has kidnapped or abducted the friend need to get a grip ffs.
The parents gave their permission then changed their minds without informing the adult in charge. The friend lied.
If the parents were that fearful for their DD's welfare they'd have got in their car and driven to get her immediately.
YANBU. You don't cut short your trip. It's the parents' responsibility to collect their child especially since they dodged the responsibility of informing you that their DD couldn't go.

superram · 25/05/2019 07:22

How many of you at 11 would have told on your friend? Very few. It wasn’t the other children’s Responsibility to say anything even if they did know. Totally parents fault (who books a holiday that clashes with a holiday their kid is already going on, with her mates. Can’t blame her for trying. Totally parents fault they need to collect.

Acis · 25/05/2019 07:30

Whether the parents let her go or not.. she is an 11 year old child, that you've taken away, and are now technically.. and literally refusing to give back. I think if the parents rang the police it would be you in trouble not them.

Not so. She's a child whose parents said OP could take away and whose parents failed to communicate that they had revoked that permission. And OP is perfectly happy to give the child back if the parents come and collect here from where she was at the time when they finally did communicate. So if the parents phoned the police, the first thing they would be told to do is go and collect their child and stop wasting police time.

Andylion · 25/05/2019 07:33

I was driving and my phone got passed back to my sister and her friends to play on and I didn't see the message until we had arrived.

OP, they all, including your sister, knew that her friend's parents had texted. I would take themall home early and tell you sister how disappointed you are. I'd also not be offering any such trips again anytime soon.

TheSerenDipitY · 25/05/2019 07:33

i cant get over the fact that when they discovered their daughter had gone on the weekend away with her friends, they calmly sent you a text message... wouldn't most parents upon discovering their child has fucked off on a jolly without permission actually call and raise merry hell? ( well most parents would obviously call the OP and say sorry we changed out minds the night before and not send the kid around etc etc)
I mean why havent they called? why are they texting? seems pretty fucken shit of them tbh, i would want a person to person type call not some text messages... and they can come get her, if they had been parental and actually contacted you when they made the holiday decision this wouldnt have happened...

Sleephead1 · 25/05/2019 07:35

Well from their point of you they have told you she can't come and you have taken her anyway. I find it hard to believe the txt wasn't seen ( at least by the girls if they had the phone ) The girl who did this should be punished by her parents. They aren't going to go on holiday and leave their child with your mum for a week( I can't believe you think this is a acceptable solution) It's not their fault you didn't see the txt. They might both be at work today so can't drive to you if they aren't at work I agree they could drive to you but considering they have told you you do not have permission to take their child and you won't bring her back I think you need to consider they consequence of that. Personally all the girls need to learn this is totally unacceptable so I would get them all up at 6am and drive them back today drop her off then bring the others back and hopefully they will learn not to do this again. I understand you aren't a parent but to be honest they have told you you can't take their daughter and you have.

1sttimemama1986 · 25/05/2019 07:41

Can the child's parents meet you half way to collect her? If not, I'd be taking them all home early and explaining why as ultimately they have knowingly set this up and the trip ending early is the consequence.

pessimisticstateofperception · 25/05/2019 07:41

Whether the parents let her go or not.. she is an 11 year old child, that you've taken away, and are now technically.. and literally refusing to give back. I think if the parents rang the police it would be you in trouble not them.

You think wrong. Op isn't refusing to give the child back, she is refusing to cut her holiday short to accommodate their disorganization and their daughters lies, if the parents drove their op would happily hand the child over. Its the parents problem to solve, not the ops.

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2019 07:43

Meet them half way or stick her on a coach or train.

steppemum · 25/05/2019 07:44

I have an 11 year old.
The girls absolutely planned this.
She turned up with her stuff, didn't say she wasn't supposed to go, and got in the car.
Sorry, no 11 year old does that without knowing they aren't supposed to.

Also, when dd has my phone, she sees texts come in, and if one had come in from the girls parents, I am sure she would have not said anything. It is totally reasonable to assume the OP wouldn't see the text as she was driving, sorry, but I wouldn't either. If my kids are going on a 3 hour trip, I would expect the text to be seen when they stop, and not before.

From the kid's point of view, she had this fun weekend planned and her parents changed it, she wanted to go.

As to what you do now, I think the parent's need to come and get her. I would be phoning them and saying - your dd knew she wasn't supposed to come, but she brought her bag and got in the car!
Her fault, you need to come.

Otherwise, I'll see you back on Monday.

pessimisticstateofperception · 25/05/2019 07:45

to be honest they have told you you can't take their daughter and you have.

Not true, they told op that she could take their dd away, then sent an 11 year old to relay the message, she didn't, she had her stuff with her and op didn't find out until they arrived 3 hours away because they didn't have the common courtesy to call and explain. This is on the parents.

londonrach · 25/05/2019 07:49

Parents collect. Laughing at those saying about the police. They ask the parents to collect their child and stop wasting their time. Im another one who never uses my phone....especially when driving