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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take their dd home early?

315 replies

twentytimes · 24/05/2019 20:10

I've taken my little sister and 3 of her friends (all 11) away for a few days as a birthday present to my sister. We're 3 hours away.

One of the girls parents apparently made last minute plans to go away as a family on Sunday, we aren't due back until Monday evening.

I think the girl was supposed to come to my mums house, say why she couldn't come and then go home. But she was there when I arrived to pick them up, with her some of her stuff and didn't say anything so I brought her with us as planned.

I finished work early and the girls were all ready so we left earlier than we were going to, the parents of the girl text me once we had already left saying that she couldn't come. I was driving and my phone got passed back to my sister and her friends to play on and I didn't see the message until we had arrived.

I've now spoken to her parents and they've said they need their dd back home to take her away and that they can't come and collect her. This means me driving them home a day early, cutting the trip short for my sister and the rest of her friends and losing the money I've spent on the extra day. My mum has offered to look after their dd for the week they're away, the girl is happy for this to happen.

Obviously her parents are welcome to come and pick her up but I don't want to have to drive her home early as I'm not sure this is my fault.

WIBU to say no?

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 25/05/2019 11:50

CJ
As has already been explained not everyone has text notifications switched on
Can you not get your head around people being different from you?
Umm, sure but I'm answering things directed at me and again, once more for the cheap seats lol, I would never be uncontactable when I am in charge of someone else's children or my children are with someone else. Confused

As to the why, common sense really but in this case it doesn't matter if it was a text or a phone call because 'apparently' the girls were playing with the one available phone and nothing came through.
I don't really care if MY expectations and opinions don't match up with others so not sure why mine cause such angst.

angieloumc · 25/05/2019 11:55

Rafferty my apologies, I should have explained myself better; I meant I wouldn't do something like this again with her friends, not I wouldn't do anything kind/ treat her at all.

Gigglinghysterically · 25/05/2019 12:30

This reply has been deleted

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RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 12:31

angieloumc What just happened illustrates my frustration with so many 'parenting' problems, especially with preteens onwards.

You reacted to the scenario and posted something that actually you didn't mean. You reacted without really thinking it through, but that's ok, no harm done.

The 11 year olds also reacted to a scenario - (the completely unreasonable actions of the friend's parents) and didn't think things through. And actually no harm was done here either! It wasn't the right thing to do, but it's a learning opportunity.

From 11 onwards we are teaching children to increasingly make their own decisions because they are increasingly indepenedent at secondary school onwards. They are not going to get it right every time. They will get things wrong just like parents and other adults get things wrong. And the parents of the friend definitely got it wrong on this occasion.

People are reacting as if the parents had refused permission for the trip and the girls had hatched a plan to get round this. The parents did not have any concerns about the trip, it was just that the timings became inconvenient!

I am not saying that the actions of the girl(s) were justified, I'm saying they were understandable in the circumstances, and need to be dealt with in the context of poor parenting actions by the friend's parents.

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 12:32

OP hasn't bothered to return to the thread after asking for advice

OP presumably has got the advice she needed and is now fully occupied managing 4 11 year olds!

BruceAndNosh · 25/05/2019 12:35

Be nice if we had an update IF this thread is actually real
No one has a divine right to an update.

Maybe the poor old OP is currently schelping up the motorway retuning Little Miss Naughty

QueenOfDarts · 25/05/2019 12:43

The OP returned to the thread several times last night, presumably while the girls were occupied or in bed. I imagine that today she’s busy with them doing the stuff they had planned. At least I hope she is, rather than returning the runaway. I hope the parents come and collect her.

ambereeree · 25/05/2019 12:47

For those saying pull into the hard shoulder for a text. Do you know how dangerous that is? It's not a parking space.

angieloumc · 25/05/2019 12:54

You're right Rafferty, my initial reaction would be to say never again! I have a 14 yo DD myself as well as three adult DS, and I think it was a thought of how I might react at first. Then I would calm down and think it was as you say an overreaction.
I do think though that the parents of the girl should be coming to pick her up and hopefully by this morning that has been arranged.

saveforthat · 25/05/2019 12:57

Can't believe some people wouldn't let an 11 year old travel on a train journey on their own (unless she really couldn't be trusted to not run away). Agree totally her parents fault. If this is real and you have time, would love to read update later.

cuppycakey · 25/05/2019 13:06

save

I have never seen a child that young alone on a long train journey.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/05/2019 14:38

Can't believe some people wouldn't let an 11 year old travel on a train journey on their own

DS1 was held up at knifepoint on a train once when he was considerably older than 11, so I wouldn't. (He was completely unhurt but understandably quite shaken.)

Another thing: if my child had ended up a 6 hour round trip away, whether it was their fault or not, I'd be round there like a shot if I had to drive all fucking night to do it. As, indeed, would XH. I'd be very unimpressed with my DC if they had pulled any such stunt, but I'd still be fetching them. Because it's my child and therefore my responsibility. OP signed up to look after the girls for three days, not to ferry them round the country.

I'm with the "parents did it on purpose" camp frankly!

Re phone, if I'm playing something it just pings if a text comes in or another app has something it wants me to do. Banners don't interrupt what I'm doing. I usually assume someone is attacking my base again (and I'm usually right). So the girls may well have been engrossed in a game and not seen a text at all. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Oh, and enough with the troll hunting. Report the thread if you doubt its bona fides. Personally I'd doubt it more if OP were on here with increasingly bizarre updates, instead of getting on with either the holiday or the travel arrangements for one chastened 11-y-o.

SauvignonBlanche · 25/05/2019 14:43

Can you get a couple of quotes for a taxi fare and send them to them?
That might focus their minds.

Summerorjustmaybe · 25/05/2019 15:08

When a friend's ds (and my ds) were ruining out holiday, we sent them back on a flight at 14. His dm refused to collect him from the airport, my ils did and dropped him home. I got the air fare back eventually...
My ds is 10.6 and isn't allowed out unsupervised yet, taxi def though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 16:39

CJ
I would also never be uncontactable when my dd is with someone else or I have someone else’s kids. But I don’t consider stopping to check texts necessary as anything urgent should be over the phone. My phone is connected to my car so no need to pull over. No angst from me. I imagine your need to stop and read texts immediately to be anxiety based tbh. 🤷‍♀️

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 25/05/2019 17:25

I completely agree @Mummyoflittledragon and actually would argue that it's very dangerous (if not illegal) to stop on the hard shoulder of the motorway, especially if it's to read a text! I'd not want my child in the car of anyone who did that!

Purpleartichoke · 25/05/2019 17:32

I don’t want my kid in a car with someone who reads texts while driving or even looks at the phone screen to see who it is from. Checking messages when you stop to stretch your legs is appropriate.

caughtinanet · 25/05/2019 17:48

There's no way my 11 year old would be going on a train journey by themselves.

We never use a train unless going to London, it's not something they would be familiar or comfortable with especially with no phone in case or delays or other emergencies.

We have no idea where the OP is, where the parents are, whether a train journey between the two places is even a viable way to travel yet so many posters are saying do it like it's a bus ride to the local shops.

OKBobble · 25/05/2019 17:53

Seriously she was driving sensibly not checking her texts whilst doing so. If it was thst urgent you would be phoning. If the parents were that bothered they would have phoned immediately to give the OP the chanve to turn back.

They just can't be bothered to go to colle t their daughter.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/05/2019 18:30

Why would the OP waste her time and that of the other girls getting the friend home on public transport? She needs to carry on with the weekend as planned. As long as she makes sure she is contactable by the CF parents so they know where to find the child, she has done all she can.

Original poster
twentytimes · 25/05/2019 18:46

Sorry for not updating, we've been out today and thought it wasnt worth doing it until I had full infomation anyway.
She’s being picked up by her grandad tomorrow, we are meeting about one hour my way and two hours his. Her parents couldn't come because they have work and other children to sort.
They are going to a family event which they knew about but didn't think they could attend, they now have family driving past who are picking them up and letting them stay where they're staying.
They were both at work friday afternoon which is why they didnt ring me and left their dd to let us know and why she was able to come round with her stuff without anyone realising.
It’s normal for my sister to ask for my phone and for me to give it to her, there’s stuff on my phone like instagram which they don’t have. The message hadn't been opened but they would have got a notification, they claim not to have seen it. My sister had texted our mum on my phone so the app had been opened, I also had other texts come through. I didn't the hear the notification and don't just pull over regularly to read my messages. If the phone had rang I would have asked who it was and found somewhere to pull other and call back.
I phoned her parents as soon as we arrived and I saw the message. They said they needed there dd back early and couldn't collect, we agreed that nobody was going to be driving her anywhere last night and she didn’t need to be home until Sunday so we would sort it out today.
The girl has said she didn't realise we wouldn't be back in time for her to go away with her family and thought her parents just told her it would be easier if she didn't come not that she definately couldn't. The rest have said they didn't know anything, 99% sure they are all lying and planned it together though.
I have no proof and they are otherwise really lovely girls, not hard work to look after at all so I'm going to let them have some fun and not push it. I'll leave it to their parents to find out the truth and then punish them for it if they want to.

OP posts:
RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 18:53

Great update. Thanks. Sounds like a sensible resolution. Enjoy the rest of your break!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/05/2019 19:44

That sounds very sensible, OP. The girls were being a bit dopey, wilfully or otherwise, and I expect her parents will be having words with her. However at least you can all relax and enjoy yourselves now!

janetforpresident · 25/05/2019 19:49

I hope they apologised and make damn sure their daughter does too. You planned this lovely trip for your dsis and you shouldn't have had to deal with this. The parents need to have a word with themselves. If their story is true then it was incredibly rude of them not to let you know in person that their dd was not able to come. I suspect you are being lied to by a pair of cfs who are raising another little c.f. but as you say you can let the parents deal with all that.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your trip

Cheby · 25/05/2019 20:09

You’re very kind, doing a 2 hour round trip to drop her off. More than her parents deserve.,

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