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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take their dd home early?

315 replies

twentytimes · 24/05/2019 20:10

I've taken my little sister and 3 of her friends (all 11) away for a few days as a birthday present to my sister. We're 3 hours away.

One of the girls parents apparently made last minute plans to go away as a family on Sunday, we aren't due back until Monday evening.

I think the girl was supposed to come to my mums house, say why she couldn't come and then go home. But she was there when I arrived to pick them up, with her some of her stuff and didn't say anything so I brought her with us as planned.

I finished work early and the girls were all ready so we left earlier than we were going to, the parents of the girl text me once we had already left saying that she couldn't come. I was driving and my phone got passed back to my sister and her friends to play on and I didn't see the message until we had arrived.

I've now spoken to her parents and they've said they need their dd back home to take her away and that they can't come and collect her. This means me driving them home a day early, cutting the trip short for my sister and the rest of her friends and losing the money I've spent on the extra day. My mum has offered to look after their dd for the week they're away, the girl is happy for this to happen.

Obviously her parents are welcome to come and pick her up but I don't want to have to drive her home early as I'm not sure this is my fault.

WIBU to say no?

OP posts:
jellybeanteaparty · 25/05/2019 09:31

Surely if the OP texts or emails ( so it's in writing) the parents making it clear she was unaware of any change of the agreed plans before arriving and that the girl can be picked up at any time by the parents the police would not consider her holding the child against the parents will.
If feeling generous she could offer to drive one hour towards home and a service station swop ( I love the idea of texting co-ordinates, ransoms , blindfolds and making it a game for the other girls!)

CrumbsCrumbsEverywhere · 25/05/2019 09:33

I work for the police. If someone rang about this saying we want our daughter back Id say 'go get her then' . No crime has taken place.

OP they should have told you adult to adult, spoken to you to ensure you knew. How do they know youd check your text messages especially while driving which is as others have said, illegal. But also even before you set off i imagine things were pretty busy! Tell them to make arrangements to get her home.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/05/2019 09:36

They need to pick her up-they changed the arrangements 🤷‍♀️

northerngirl2012 · 25/05/2019 09:41

This is the sort of thing my DD would do and of course I’d go. & get her. Not your issue OP, you sound a fab older sister!

youarenotkiddingme · 25/05/2019 09:42

Not everyone has banners or screen on their phones.

You can just have notifications (the number appears on message) and can have it with or without sound.

Obviously at some point the other girls knew their friend shouldn't be there. But they are 11. They probably didn't know what to do or say and certainly are unlikely to dob their mate in.

northerngirl2012 · 25/05/2019 09:42

Yes, text back here’s our address xxx let me know when you’ve made arrangements for her to be collected.

CitadelsofScience · 25/05/2019 09:47

This thread is bonkers. Saying she's kidnapped the child, stick the child on a train because we did trips to Antarctica aged 11 via parachutes, it's not the same as 20 years ago and there's no way on this planet I'd have put my own dd on a train aged 11. Coach possibly, train definitely not.

However I am in awe of the ingenuity of these girls if they colluded and pulled this off. Politicians in the making right there.

altiara · 25/05/2019 09:57

Am I the only person that's Phone turns on night mode when I’m on any kind of transport? (I didn’t turn it on, it happened when I did a system upgrade and I don’t know how to switch it off!)
So I get no texts or call notifications when I’m in the car, unless someone is using the phone as they’ve had to press ‘I’m not driving’ for it to open.

CJsGoldfish · 25/05/2019 10:09

Right CJ so you’d pull over to check your messages? Hard shoulder? Motorway service station? Rubbish - I’ve never checked my messages while driving

Like fuck would ANYONE pull over into the hard shoulder every time a text message came through. Ridiculous

sigh
If I had someone elses kids in my car, travelling 3 hours away, I would absolutely want to know WHO is texting me. I'd either ask who had my phone or pull over next safe opportunity. TBH, it's more likely I'd asks someone to tell me who's texting but with someone elses children with me I'D BE CONTACTABLE AT ALL TIMES. It's the same when MY child goes somewhere, I make sure I'm contactable. I'm really not sure why that is so hard to grasp?
Actually, the more I repeat myself (because I'm obviously not writing clearly enough, lol) the more unbelievable this story is.

Op, i wouldnt worry about teaching right and wrong too much
Seems to be a MN mantra Grin

Personally I'd be driving all the girls back as punishment for not telling you the truth. But that's just me
Definitely not just you. Grin

OP, did you speak to each parent for permission? Curious as to why they didn't then speak to you after their plans had changed. Unless they tried? Hmm

I can almost guarantee the future teen posts.

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 10:18

If I had someone elses kids in my car, travelling 3 hours away, I would absolutely want to know WHO is texting me.

That sounds bizarre to me. In my world texts are used for non urgent communication. If there was a problem I would expect a phone call - actually repeated phone calls. If I couldn't answer my phone but it kept ringing, then I would pull over and answer.

IncrediblySadToo · 25/05/2019 10:23

Their daughter misbehaving. Their problem.

They come and collect her or she stays with you and then your Mum.

Don’t spoil your sisters birthday because her parents are too lazy to come and get her.

FabulouslyGlamourosFerret · 25/05/2019 10:24

My phone also goes into aeroplane ✈️ mode when I'm driving so no messages come through.

IncrediblySadToo · 25/05/2019 10:24

If I had someone elses kids in my car, travelling 3 hours away, I would absolutely want to know WHO is texting me

Why exactly?!

AngelicInnocent · 25/05/2019 10:25

Agreed Rafferty. If you text me then I will read it when convenient. If it's urgent you ring.

Agree parents didn't want you to see it before you arrived as they wanted DD to go and you to bring them back early.

cccameron · 25/05/2019 10:26

In my world texts are used for non urgent communication. If there was a problem I would expect a phone call - actually repeated phone calls

Exactly this. If I'd have found out my daughter had pulled a stunt like this I'd be phoning non stop until I got an answer then would be straight in the car to collect her. No way I'd just send a text. They don't sound like they are bothered much about the daughter at all tbh

cccameron · 25/05/2019 10:29

Agree parents didn't want you to see it before you arrived as they wanted DD to go and you to bring them back early

Wow, this is what they've done isn't it. To get round their holiday booking dates. The cheeky, manipulative fuckers!

Hope you have stood your ground OP

lhastingsmua · 25/05/2019 10:29

Legally, you've taken their daughter without permission. You are now refusing to return her.

Absolute bullshit, if the police were informed about this, they would take NO action against the OP.

OP was given permission to take the girls away on a trip. The parents rescinded the permission later, but instead of explicitly telling the adults involved to ensure she wouldn’t go, left it up to the child to tell the adults. The parents then somehow ended up dropping their daughter off with all her luggage at the exact time the girls were supposed to meet for the drive even though she wasn’t supposed to go. Therefore OP was never informed that the permission was rescinded by anyone involved & was under the impression that the original plan was still going ahead - so OP did not intend to take her without permission. No offence has been caused.

Legally drivers are not supposed to use phones whilst driving, so how is OP supposed to respond to texts? (Ask the children that set this entire plan up? They could easily have said there’s no messages.)

No one has stopped the parents from collecting their own child. They have essentially said that a 6 hour trip is too inconvenient for them, for the sake of their own precious daughter. She has not been kidnapped and held hostage, her parents can’t be bothered to take her home.

regmover · 25/05/2019 10:30

What a mad and rather sad world we are living in when anyone would think that they can't drive off on a holiday in peace without stopping to check every time they hear a text on their phone. As others have said, in emergencies a phone call is the thing to do, and ring repeatedly if no answer. Then you know that you need to pull into the next services!

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 10:31

CJ
As has already been explained not everyone has text notifications switched on.

Can you not get your head around people being different from you?

Motherof3feminists · 25/05/2019 10:33

Is this in the Fail or Sin yet?

ginnybag · 25/05/2019 11:07

Go nowhere, OP. This is down to her parents, all round, and you are right to say it isn't your place to punish/teach lessons etc.

You can speak to your sister after the weekend about her part in it, but the other children are not your problem.

In your shoes, I'd be contacting the other parents and pointing out that this is all only even possible because they were too rude to communicate with you as grown ups should. A single text AFTER you'd left? Not acceptable.

Also, does no one else think it was really mean of them (if in fact they did) to send a kid to the start of a trip they now can't go on and expect her to wave her mates off and be left behind? Poor kid!

7yo7yo · 25/05/2019 11:16

Op hasn’t returned.
Sorry to point it out.

angieloumc · 25/05/2019 11:24

Rafferty not an over reaction imo if the other girls were in on it, including OP's sister. If not, fair enough.

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 11:40

Your sanction for collusion would be I wouldn't ever do anything kind like this again for your sister ? I repeat, total over reaction. A life ban on treats for her sister? Don't be ridiculous.

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 11:40

^^ that was to angieloumc