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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take their dd home early?

315 replies

twentytimes · 24/05/2019 20:10

I've taken my little sister and 3 of her friends (all 11) away for a few days as a birthday present to my sister. We're 3 hours away.

One of the girls parents apparently made last minute plans to go away as a family on Sunday, we aren't due back until Monday evening.

I think the girl was supposed to come to my mums house, say why she couldn't come and then go home. But she was there when I arrived to pick them up, with her some of her stuff and didn't say anything so I brought her with us as planned.

I finished work early and the girls were all ready so we left earlier than we were going to, the parents of the girl text me once we had already left saying that she couldn't come. I was driving and my phone got passed back to my sister and her friends to play on and I didn't see the message until we had arrived.

I've now spoken to her parents and they've said they need their dd back home to take her away and that they can't come and collect her. This means me driving them home a day early, cutting the trip short for my sister and the rest of her friends and losing the money I've spent on the extra day. My mum has offered to look after their dd for the week they're away, the girl is happy for this to happen.

Obviously her parents are welcome to come and pick her up but I don't want to have to drive her home early as I'm not sure this is my fault.

WIBU to say no?

OP posts:

YouBumder · 24/05/2019 21:21

They can't fit in a 6 hour trip

Why not? Lazy bastards. It’s only Friday, they aren’t going away til Sunday!

WhiteDust · 24/05/2019 21:21

Why should everybody else miss out on a day of their break, and the OP effectively loathe money she's paid to treat them, because one little monkey has not carried a message, and other little monkeys have colluded with her?

You've answered your own question! Because they were all in on it. I'd be furious if my DD and her friends pulled a stunt like this on me!

WMPAGL · 24/05/2019 21:22

I doubt they've been planning this from birth

Haha. That's what they want you to think!

ReturnfromtheStars · 24/05/2019 21:22

Thinking from the 11 year-old's point of view it's unfair and not very respectful to plan a holiday after she has agreed to go on the birthday trip. I would not discipline them either in this situation, especially not being anyone's parent.

Have fun :)

diddl · 24/05/2019 21:23

Why was she even at your mums if she wasn't going on the trip?

RestingButchFace · 24/05/2019 21:23

The parents could have text you last night or first thing apologising for letting you down over the trip and to wish the rest of you a good time pure manners. They left it up to an 11 year old to pass on the news. Most 11 year old would be gutted on missing out on a trip that will have been talked about for weeks before and probably afterwards. FOMO got the better of her none of which is your fault. If they want her they have to arrange to get her.

SmellMySmellbow · 24/05/2019 21:24

Oh my god, that's so naughty! I'd probably meet them halfway so each of you drive 3 hours. Not obligated to do that, but so as not to fuck up their holiday I prob would. And ask for the petrol money.

janetforpresident · 24/05/2019 21:25

It is their fault. Lazy and lax parenting
I agree with this. If you had got the message before you set off they would have been cancelling on you last minute which is rude and also letting your sister down and their daughter who have presumably both been looking forward to and planning their trip. It's their bad planning which has caused this.

I reckon they sent her hoping you would say you'll cut the trip short for her and return sunday that's why she had all her stuff.

NewName54321 · 24/05/2019 21:25

An 11 year old should be able to make a train journey, if you put her on the train and her parents meet her at the other end. However, this 11 year old has already shown that she can not be trusted. There's nothing to stop her deciding to get off the train at some random station along the way, then she could end up almost anywhere - or with anyone.

The girls' parents need to come and meet you half-way tomorrow.
Yes, the other girls will lose out on an activity but that is the consequence for not speaking up. If you've not paid in advance for the activity then you shouldn’t end up out of pocket. They should refund you for whatever you've paid for in advance that is wasted, but to be honest I doubt you'd ever see that money.

Don't come back a day early; things could get complicated if any of the other families were not home to receive their children.

drspouse · 24/05/2019 21:26

I would put her on a train, too. It might be a little boring for her but she won't come to any harm and it's an appropriate consequence.

Sarahandco · 24/05/2019 21:28

I don't think they were playing with your phone in the back, they were making sure you didn't see the message until you were at least 3 hours away!

CripsSandwiches · 24/05/2019 21:28

hah I almost admire the cheek of that girl. None of this is your fault - the other two girls were probably colluding somewhat with the stowaway but it was still her responsibility to tell you she couldn't come so her parents can pick her up or pay for a train ticket and get her the other end.

GetUpAgain · 24/05/2019 21:29

You're the big sister doing a nice thing. You've driven 3 hours today and will be on the final day. Don't do a half way trip meaning you have another day of driving 3 hours!

This is the parents problem to resolve not yours!

ladyflower23 · 24/05/2019 21:29

The parents sound selfish. First of all they tell their DD she can go on the trip with you and she's all excited. They then decide to plan a last minute trip so say she can't go which was probably pretty major to her and then refuse to pick her up and insist you being her back. I think they're CF and you should stand your ground op. I also agree that as you are not their parents it's not your place to punish them for this. Also it's just not fair on you to waste your money cutting the trip short.

PoohBearsHole · 24/05/2019 21:29

Can you compromise and meet half way? Punishment for all the girls, irritating but ultimately not missing a full day and not losing any money?

GetUpAgain · 24/05/2019 21:30

I travel on a lot of trains. I've never seen an unattended 11 year old except short school journeys. I really wouldn't class the train as an option for this.

Cheby · 24/05/2019 21:31

Don’t take her back. They will have to make arrangements to collect their daughter.

Also; if they had rescinded her permission to go then they should have told you well before you were half way down the motorway.

magicBrenda · 24/05/2019 21:33

Unbelievable.

diddl · 24/05/2019 21:38

"Also; if they had rescinded her permission to go then they should have told you well before you were half way down the motorway."

I'm guessing that they were trusting their daughter & might not have realised she had gone until she didn't go home.

That's not Op's fault though.

Sarahandco · 24/05/2019 21:38

It also sounds like the girl knew her parents would not come and get her. I would only offer to meet them halfway because of they are responsible for a) not calling you to let you know that she could not come - as would be polite and b) because of their daughters' behaviour in letting you drive all that way knowing she was not meant to be there. They should be apologising to you to have to even drive half the way.

EffYouSeeKaye · 24/05/2019 21:39

Put her on a coach / train? How old is she? Or maybe drive an hour to meet them somewhere?

Not really your problem though. Her fault, their issue to deal with. Lovely of your mum to offer to have her for the whole week!!

BeBesideTheSea · 24/05/2019 21:39

You are a lovely sister taking your 11 year old little sister away for 4 friends!

AwakeNow · 24/05/2019 21:40

The parents need to sort this, not you cutting all the girls trip away short.
A similar incident happened at my ds's bd week-end sleepover. One guest came with another family, as the other mum did not drive, and we Iive an hours drive away. Then other mum called on the second day to say that her dd could not miss her piano lesson and other family must bring her home early, before noon, before our planned bbq. The driving mum told her that wasn't possible, if she had known, she would not have agreed to bring her. Other mum ended up getting a relative to pick her dd up.

TheInvisibleMrsCrane · 24/05/2019 21:41

Does nobody else think it is bloody rude of the parents to cancel a three day trip on the day of the trip?

RaffertyFair · 24/05/2019 21:43

Thinking from the 11 year-old's point of view it's unfair and not very respectful to plan a holiday after she has agreed to go on the birthday trip.

I'm considerably older than 11 and I think the parents have been unbelievably rude and distrespectful to the OP and her sister!! They accepted an invitation but subsequently changed their minds?

Then, instead of immediately contacting the OP or her DM and apologising profusely for ruining the planned trip and OP's sister's birthday treat, they wait and send the 11 year old to apologise at the time they were due to leave for the trip! WTF?? Who would think that was acceptable?

I wouldn't punish the 11 year old - she has no model of decent behaviour from her parents.

And no, you shouldn't have to cut short your trip or drive the child back. That is the parents' responsibility.

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