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Original poster

About OH & money

251 replies

Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 01:09

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/05/2019 01:21

Where in the hell is all his money going? Clearly, you are in a very vulnerable position.

Starrynights86 · 24/05/2019 01:24

Well if he gets made redundant and there’s no other money then yes you will have to pay the bills?? Otherwise how will they be paid? Maybe start looking now at what outgoings you can economise on or get rid of.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 24/05/2019 01:32

That's a terrible situation.

Where does his money go?

Is DD his daughter as well?

Has he paid off his house or is he expecting you to fund his mortgage?

If you're not married, I'd be wanting a loan agreement for anything I put towards his house.

Keep adding to your own savings. You are financially vulnerable in this situation.

Forgotmycoat · 24/05/2019 01:41

Please don't spend your savings on this financially irresponsible man, and don't tie yourself to him, even if it means you need to move out or end this relationship. Your savings are for your dd, he should have made better provisions for himself. And it's not likely you will get any of your money back, so cut your losses and stop wasting money on him.

Cruelstepmother · 24/05/2019 02:26

From what I see you have 3 options:

  1. Move out and pay for your own place,
  2. Pay the same as before and refuse to pay more or
  3. Pay all the bills, using your savings if necessary, and hope he gets another job soon.

It really depends on if you see yourselves as a partnership. It sounds like you don't, financially at least, so I'd say, offer to help him sort out his finances now before he gets made redundant, and once it happens offer to help him contact his creditors and negotiate repayments. In the meantime encourage him to draw in his horns and spend as little as possible, update his CV and start applying for jobs now. If you feel he has in fact been subsidising your/DD's lives, you could offer to pay a bit more and save a bit less, but make it clear it's temporary. You might also look at how much your own rented place would cost if you moved out and up your payments to that level. Remember that money is less important than people, so if in doubt, do what's best for your daughter.

Enix · 24/05/2019 02:33

I feel like his poor budgeting is one issue and your lack of support over his redundancy is another.

Is your DD his? How long have you been together and how long have you lived together?

You say he has covered all the rest of your expenses - what does that entail?

What's his mortgage situation?

I think you should both work out what you can cut back on as what you pay towards the bills/food is quite minimal if he is paying for literally everything else! Just because he has earned over three times the amount of your salary does not mean he should foot there bill for everything else, especially if you're not willing to help to tie things over more evenly whilst he is job-hunting. I actually think it's reasonable of him to suggest if you increase the monthly amount of what you pay towards as it sounds like he is helped you out financially for however long.

However, I do think he really needs to assess his savings, which is a really big issue in itself and one you could offer some help with.

Perhaps you should think about finding your own independent housing if you cannot come an agreement and want to keep your finances separate. Either way, I really think this issue will shed some light on your relationship and where it is going.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 24/05/2019 03:32

If you earn £800 a month and he earns three times that so £2400 a month that really isn't that much when he's paying the bulk of the bills like the mortgage presumably a car etc - the mortgage could be in the region of £1k so I'm not surprised he doesn't have any spare money either

So yeah you're being unreasonable - unless he drags his heels getting another job you should help where you can - you're supposed to be in this together

Kaleela · 24/05/2019 04:13

Get your name on everything if he wants more or move out and pay for your own stuff. Seperate your finances. Why should you bail him out when he can't even help himself, or you for that matter.

Blondebakingmumma · 24/05/2019 06:05

Negotiate your name on the mortgage if you are paying off ‘his’ house

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 06:09

You pay £450 a month for you and your daughter with all bills and food accounted for? And you earn £800? Wow.

SupaNintendoChalmers · 24/05/2019 06:11

Surely he just means temporarily while he finds a new job?
I'd definitely help my partner out if they were made redundant which is outside of their control. It's a shame he doesn't have savings but that's somewhat understandable if he's paying off a mortgage etc. You're meant to be a partnership, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to step up and help him while he finds something new. Who knows what the future holds? One day it could be reversed and I'm sure you'd want to know you can rely on him to help you if the roles were ever reversed.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 06:12

Sorry and he does put a roof over your heads. Where would you be without him?

nc100 · 24/05/2019 06:13

You don't think you should contribute more? Ok, move out then. It'll cost a hell of a lot more than £450 a month

newcupcake · 24/05/2019 06:18

I agree with what others have said £2400 is not that much if he is paying a mortgage , council tax , utilities , if he runs a car , insurances , tax etc depending on where you live etc If you are just buying food then there are lots of other outgoings that need paying every month. Surely if you are partners and share a dd then you have both been putting what money you each have into keeping a roof over your heads and providing for your dd up until this point. In the situation of redundancy it's a no brainer that you may have to temporarily stop saving what's left of your money and use it for monthly living until he gets a new job ? Surely you're a team and in it together ? Sounds like we don't know the full story ?

SparklyLeprechaun · 24/05/2019 06:27

So what do you think should happen when he gets made redundant? The bills have to be paid. You're currently paying less than your fair share of bills I presume (£200 won't even cover my council tax), what's wrong with stepping up and paying more so that you don't get into debt? You don't seem much of a supportive couple.

GPatz · 24/05/2019 06:31

Um. What if he said no to paying bills that allows you to contribute only £450 a month?

As for negotiating your name on the mortgage if you are paying off ‘his’ house, you are currently in the position of renting the house, which would be exactly the same (if not more expensive) position you would be if you moved out.

BarbaraofSevillle · 24/05/2019 06:31

We have no idea whether £2400 is barely covering his bills or if he's got plenty of money, as no idea how much the mortgage is for example.

I earn just about the same amount and our mortgage is £400 pm. We feel very comfortable and are able to save quite a lot, even with spending a lot on holidays and other discretionary stuff.

Agree that £450 pm for living expenses is very cheap and that the OP probably does need to contribute more in times of need, but he may also need to think more about budgeting and saving for a rainy day, when he does start to earn again. Is he going to get a redundancy pay out that could pay the bills for a while?

But this sounds like one of those scenarios that on Mumsnet, the answers given depends on the sexes of the parties involved.

NeatFreakMama · 24/05/2019 06:36

Yes you should support him, he's been covering the majority of bills for you and your DD. I'm not sure why you wouldn't?

AJPTaylor · 24/05/2019 06:37

Yes 450 is cheap but only leaves 350 for all the other expenses op has. Presumably if op was on her own (assuming child is not his) she would have some level of help from the state. You need to have a proper conversation about it, like grown ups.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 06:39

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bagpiss · 24/05/2019 06:40

Generally I'd say that if one person has been covering most bills then the other should step up when something happens that alters that. How long has he been at this employment and will he get any redundancy pay?

Jenasaurus · 24/05/2019 06:48

It depends really. Is your DD his child too. Do you see yourself as a permenant relationship. Song our giving over half your income each month for bills and food and have managed to save. Unless you provide the details of outgoings like mortgage. Council tax etc it’s hard to know if what you are lying is fair.

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 07:07

Ok so to break down a bit more ... I pay £450 towards household bills and food.. my own outgoings as well are a car, Petrol, my DDs clubs, clothes etc, my mobile phone so after that’s all paid I have about £150- £200 pm left. OH is not DD biological father. The mortgage on the flat is about £500 ...total bills for just the house with food is about £1100 he’s has other children so also pay maintenance & as I helped already budget a lot of his finances when he was struggling previous at sorting his bills out I know he was between £750- £800 disposable income per month... he hasn’t always had that much but since last September he has & I recommended he saved some back then.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 07:09

But you do understand that you are getting exceptional value for money living in what I presume is a house with bills paid for £200?

SupaNintendoChalmers · 24/05/2019 07:13

Can break the cost down all you want I still think it's just not very empathetic to not WANT to help your partner if they are made redundant.