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AIBU?

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Original poster

About OH & money

251 replies

Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 01:09

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

OP posts:
sanmiguel · 24/05/2019 07:44

It looks to me like you options are 1. Eat into your savings and top up your contributions as needs be, which is what a partnership is about. He's subsidised you for however long, given your current contributions to the pot or 2. Leave - as his financial prioritises do not, you indicate, match yours and his lack of saving will always be a frustration to you.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/05/2019 07:44

A lodger would be better, likely to net far more than the £200 contribution and he wouldn't have to pay anything for the lodger, share the car etc.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/05/2019 07:46

I’d help out as much as possible with your monthly earnings, however i’d not be dipping into my savings to bail him out. £250 a month is about average round here for a lodger, so the additional £200 for food is a bonus. You’ll all have to cut back on luxuries etc

RickyGold · 24/05/2019 07:47

Me and my partner have a similar set up, he pays me £370 for everything, if I got made redundant I would expect him to set up for a bit as £370 a month is a good deal just as your £450 for you and your dd is good. Why can't you earn more than £800 a month?

OllyBJolly · 24/05/2019 07:49

negotiate your name on the mortgage if you are paying off ‘his’ house

This crops up all the time on here and it's usually nonsense! Making a contribution to household costs, an element of these costs might be mortgage, isn't "paying off the house". That mortgage may have been in place for 10 years or so - why should making a token payment entitle someone to a share in the property?

And usually, the contribution made by the new partner is way less than a rent would be.

Fairenuff · 24/05/2019 07:50

OP if you don't pay and he can't pay, then who is going to pay?

Gigglinghysterically · 24/05/2019 07:50

"I've supported this person through a lot"
What kind of relationship do you have that you refer to your OH as "this person"?

There is nothing in your posts that comes across as a loving, caring partner to your OH. Nothing. Are you just with him for a roof over your head for you and your child?

I'd be interested in knowing what your living situation was prior to moving in with your OH. I fail to see how you would manage to live elsewhere on your income. To not want to help your OH out if made redundant suggests you haven't got much of a relationship.

I'd dump him......so he can find somebody better.

LailaDay · 24/05/2019 07:52

If you don't trust him financially (and that might be very fair and reasonable), leave him or at least make sure you do not live together & are not dependent on his income.

If you choose to pay the bills, make sure that you come to some sort of agreement so that if he decides to end things with you, you do not end up with nothing. That is also reasonable.

But just not paying and continuing to live together? How do you see that play out?

CruellaFeinberg · 24/05/2019 07:54

Best you move out then op, find somewhere else to live

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/05/2019 07:55

LoveB I think that being on the mortgage is more of a statement that you are a couple and more secure that you are an equal in the relationship and you can plan your next move, marriage, children, moving house to a bigger and better future. As opposed to FWB who has moved in and will move out if things get tough

Omzlas · 24/05/2019 08:01

"I've supported this person". Yes, like he's supported you and paid the lion's share of the bills...

You want him to save etc so that you can continue to accrue savings, but don't want to dip into those if he loses his job?? 🤨🤨

"What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" springs to mind

You don't sound very happy in your current situation, you're drip feeding, changing the figures you pay and saying that you don't trust your partner financially..... makes me wonder why you're even there.

YABU though - he's supporting you, but where is your support? And you haven't answered the question about redundancy pay?

RedSkyLastNight · 24/05/2019 08:06

I wonder what OP would expect her OH to do if she lost her job? And what he would do?
If he pays the majority of household bills and also child maintenance, I suspect he doesn't have masses of disposable income.
Where Is DD's father in this? Is he not contributing?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 24/05/2019 08:16

Cake and eat it springs to the mind

Do you work part time - why don't you work full time? As others have said if you were on your own you'd have no choice as there is no way you'd be able to afford your lifestyle on £200 a month with a DD

Even if mortgage is only £500 with council tax, water electric sky and tv (which presumably you and your DD have the benefit of!) insurances and then car costs, fuel and travel etc his costs are already well over £1k and then he has child maintenance to pay as well.

I think your naive as to how much basic living costs these days

And anyway he might walk straight into a job after redundancy in which case you can carry on as you are but If i were your DP I'd feel a bit of resentment that your true feelings about your relationship has shown themselves - what's yours is mine but what's mine is mine

ReanimatedSGB · 24/05/2019 08:17

If you're not happy, and your DD is not his, then make plans to leave. You don't sound happy, and I suspect there is more to this than financial arrangements.

Purpletigers · 24/05/2019 08:18

You’re being unreasonable. He’s subsidised you and your daughter so not it’s time to return the favour . Also if you’re only earning £800 a month then you need to work full time . It’s easier to earn more money than to cut back on an already tight budget . If childcare is an issue then you need to work around each other’s hours of work .

Settlersofcatan · 24/05/2019 08:21

I notice his money left over from bills is "disposable income" but yours is all needed for car, phone, your DD. Presumably, he also needs to pay for this kind of thing?

If your reaction to his redundancy is that you don't want to help him out at all, to me that would be the end of the relationship. You clearly don't view it as that serious and you can't now expect him to be prepared to help you out if it ever happens to you

AhNowTed · 24/05/2019 08:25

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted exactly.

On another thread the OP was advised to kick out her freeloader, and she did.

Where this OP thinks she and her DD can live for £200 a month I don't know.

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 08:25

It doesn’t sound like you like him very much!

Where did you live before you moved in with him?
Does your child’s father pay maintenance?
Can you work full time?

Taking food out of the mix as you’d have to pay that wherever you lived, there is nowhere you’d be able to live for £200 a month! He must be subsidising you significantly! What do rent/mortgage and bills cost?

You’ve only got that savings because he’s bankrolling you really.

sincethereis · 24/05/2019 08:27

this is awful.

He subsidies you and a child that isn’t his and when he needs you to subsidise his you want to say no!

I get he is bad with money but you can work on that as a separate issue.

If I was him, I’d ask you to leave.

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 08:38

Didn’t really want to break down all finances.. maybe I shouldn’t hav split food and bills separately.. but to me food is a bill is it not? As in our joint bills r £1100 I pay £450 and he pay £650 then we pay our other bills ourselves.. yes I can pay a little more.. I just don’t want to use savings.. I’m being asked why I don’t earn much ... why do any of u not earn more? I can’t change what I earn atm.. I have a child who not in school yet? So I work around that? Or I’d have childcare to pay as well & less income? I was just breaking down some bills.. I haven’t listed what OH has spent rest of his money on which might change things (which again didn’t want to pony another picture) But I was trying to keep it straight forward. All my point was if iv helped someone plenty of times in the past & not been paid back .. they did offer tbf but I said don’t worry add to your savings and oh still not saved & they’ve had an opportunity to put away some and haven’t. Iv used some of the savings I had for other things for him. I don’t know really I feel worse now than when I posted this maybe I shouldn’t hav said anything everyone obviously thinks I’m a sponger Thanku !

OP posts:
Adversecamber22 · 24/05/2019 08:45

You dont mention the amount but you do mention he also pays maintenance for his children. Let’s maybe ponder if he is the kind of Dad that maybe pays for stuff outside of the maintenance agreement as well.

The sort of relationship you have is the sort I warned my DS and DD about.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/05/2019 08:48

Given that it is his house and he could kick you out at any time I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to keep aside in savings enough for you to move, cover a rent deposit etc. otherwise you are too vulnerable.
I also think he does need to look at helping himself more eg temping etc rather than just relying on you. But yes I think you should be paying more if necessary once he has used his redundancy.

If you think he is going to slack around and just rely on you rather than making an effort to sort it himself then you are financially incompatible and you should end the relationship now.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 08:48

Anonymous3286

The entitlement here is flabbergasting. You have a child so you can’t work (which means he subsidises you). You have savings and won’t spend those (which means he subsidises you). Yes, you are a sponger.

Look, I know it’s a kick in the teeth to save and then have to spend it on living expenses, but they are your expenses. If he is made redundant, all that will happen is you will need to pay your way.

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 08:51

Didn’t really want to break down all finances..

Why? I think it would be useful.

I’m being asked why I don’t earn much...why do any of u not earn more?

I absolutely would be out earning more if I was a single parent and my boyfriend-who paid virtually all the bills and let me live in his house-was going to lose his job!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/05/2019 08:59

I don't think it matters one iota what he spent his money on given it's his house and bar your £200 contribution he pays for it in full. You'd have to buy food regardless of where you lived and he wouldn't spend that much if he lived alone. He'd have less gas, electric being used as there wouldn't be two people home when he wasn't etc.

If you don't want to use your savings then move out. When he realises you are only happy to take and not give he may make n decision for you.

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